I Ain't One To Gossip But

Yes, everyone’s favorite second-generation Hollywood Romeo and Juliet — he’s a Drysdale, she’s a Clampett … look it up, youngsters — are as happy as ever after a very relaxing vacation in Hawaii. The two were spotted in LA recently grabbing some delicious food from Hugo’s Tacos. Girl loves her tacos; spelling? Not so much.

On Good Morning America last week, Cyrus was asked to spell Patrick’s last name. Her response:

“I literally, I just had this conversation. I can’t tell you. Apparently there’s not a ‘T’ in it.”

Don’t worry Miley; you can spell Molly like a pro.

Jennifer Aniston wanted that Oscar bad, man; she wanted it so badly that she finally broke down during her campaign and spoke about She Who Will Not Be Mentioned and He Who Dumped Her. Yup, she talked about how talented La Jolie is and how nothing went wrong in her marriage to Brad Pitt, but then Oscar didn’t come a’calling at the Aniston house, so I’m guessing the feud is back on.

At last week’s Critics Choice Awards — the first time Aniston and Jolie had been at the same event at the same time since 2009 — the two women were kept far apart from one another, according to a source — and you know it’s Lohan Tweeting from her vacation hospital stay … more on that later — who says:

“Angie and Jen had their teams make sure that they wouldn’t cross paths.” 

And she added that, weeks earlier, Aniston demanded to see a seating chart to make sure she’d be sitting in a Jolie-Free zone.

But the big news, or non-news, is that just as La Jolie was about to exit her car, she saw Aniston — and her hotter than hot boyfriend Justin Theroux — posing on the red carpet, and she refused to budge. Now, the tabloids are saying that Jolie hid because she didn’t want to see Aniston, but maybe, just maybe, Jolie stayed behind because she didn’t want to create any made-up drama by appearing behind Jen; I mean, you just know that suddenly all cameras would jerk away from Aniston to rest their lens' on Jolie.

Now, this part is not made up: Talking Bobble-Head, Giuliana Rancic, on E!, said that by the way Angelina hit the red carpet at the precise moment Jennifer walked off seemed suspiciously choreographed. But did they do that because of animosity, or because they figured why feed the press any more than they have to?

So, Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio are doing the deed? Apparently so, and it makes me shudder to think of the STDs floating around that room … or yacht.

The couple both partied on P. Diddy’s yacht in St. Barts over Christmas, and when they each returned to LA, they attended the same Playboy mansion party where, spies say, Leo and RiRi made out and then left together.

Presumably to head off to HazMats R Us before hooking up because, again, STD Central. 

Ick

Kanye West has finally answered that question. No, not the 'Did you marry that Kash Kow because you knocked her up' question. He finally answered the question about why he never smiles. And no, it’s not because he married that Kash Kow because he knocked her up.

At the Inaugural Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards he said:

“Back when I was working on Yeesuz, I saw this book like book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile…When you see painting in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”

Not smiling makes me smile? Huh? Maybe it is because he married the Kash Kow because he knocked her up.

Oh Jennifer Lopez, you manhandle the media better than you manhandle men.

During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, JLo was asked that, if she had just one night in Vegas, which diva’s show would she see: the lip-synced styling’s of Miss Britney Spears or the lip-synced histrionics of Miss Mimi Carey.

JLo said: “Britney, cause she dances.”

Oh snap. I only wish she’d added, “Mariah who?”

But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got some JLo shade; Lopez even dumped on some of her less than attractive hookups and ex-husbands when she said:

“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy.”

Marc Anthony was last seen crawling back into his crypt while Casper Smart was last seen getting help onto the top bunk.

Oh Lohan, how you do make life more interesting; especially when you promise … again … that you’ll be a better person and then, well, you don’t.

See, Lohan is headed back to court, y’all, after she ALLEGEDLY failed to complete her community service hours. Lohan had until November 6, 2014 — last year — to show the court that she finished all 240 hours of her community service, but on that day, her mouthpiece — AKA Shawn Holley, the lawyer who never gets paid — could only prove half those hours; the judge gave Lohan until this past Wednesday to complete all 240 hours.

Ruh-Roh. What’s a criminal to do? Well, make an excuse works sometimes, so Lohan said she wanted to finish her service but that the community service center in London was closed for 2 weeks for the holidays. And then she was gonna finish up when the center reopened, but then she was stricken with that Chumbawamba virus — which sounds suspiciously like a low-end tequila — on holiday and ended up in the hospital.

Oops! Did she say she was vacationing when she could have been doing community service? More to come …

Now, onto Mariah Carey and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Nick Cannon.

As y’all may know, Mimi is about to be making major coins by taking up residency at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, and performing every night while Celine Dion lets some of the air out of her head. Well, Nick, who signed divorce papers before Mimi signed the performance papers, isn’t happy about her bo-nan-za and is demanding a cut of the profits.

Nick says he’s owed all that for his pain and suffering, and, well, he did have to listen to her sing almost every day so ….

No, Nick’s a douchebag who kissed his meal ticket goodbye, so he needs to get stepping … to his next gig or the unemployment line.

So Real Housewife of Miami Joanna Krupa and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville hate each other, and have been feuding for years; here’s the back story:

Joanna talked some trash about Brandi and Brandi snapped; Brandi ALLEGED that Krupa slept with Mohamed Hadid — Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’  Yolanda Foster’s ex — and also claimed Hadid told her that Joanna Krupa had a smelly, um, well, here goes … vagina.

So now Krupa is suing Glanville for “Vaginal Slander, Libel and Defamation” and is demanding a trial by jury in Miami, and all I can think is, Thank god we moved, because if I got called for that jury would I have to um, yeah, smell the evidence?

Odor in the court! Just sayin’. 

Back to Lohan … So we know that Lohan contracted a mosquito-borne virus called Chikungunya — and now it sounds like a low-end gin — while on vacation in Bora Bora, and after returning to London, checked into a hospital because of the pain and fever … or because that’s where the drugs are … or because then she didn’t have to do community service … or because she’s an attention-seeking fame-whore.

Any one excuse will do.

See, while in hospital — which is how they say it over there — poor sickly Lindsay spent most of her time trying on thongs and posting Photoshopped images on her Instagram … like the one I posted yesterday in Random Musings.

Oh, and guess where Lindsay went after being released from the hospital in London? Off went to Paris for a fashion event and then out clubbing.

I guess we can add … because clubbing is more fun than community service ... to the list of excuses she’ll give the judge in court this week.

Johnny Depp is deppastated — Yay! I coined a new word for weird actors who suddenly realize they can only play weird and that the public is tired of them — because his new film, Mortdecai, co-starring Goop, failed at the box office.

But keep your head up Johnny; you get to keep your $20 million dollar paycheck!

Look, Depp, it’s like this: you’ve played every single odd cartoon character in a wacky hat-and-mustache that there is and, well, we don’t like it anymore. Just because you’re kooky onscreen and kooky off-screen doesn’t keep us interested. Try acting, instead of playacting. And now comes word that you want to ditch your longtime agent because, well, the people are over you.

Take my advice, Johnny, and if you want to hire me as your agent, I’ll only take 5% of your twenty million.

Finishing up with Lohan … After the Bora Bora Mosquito Trek, and The Hospitalization Vacation, and The Trip To Paris To Recover From being Sick, Lohan finally answered the question about if she'd finished her community service.

Well, it appears that after clubbing in France, Lohan high-tailed — Get it? High? — it back to London to complete her hours at the Community Service Volunteers [CSV] organization. She needed 15 days of service to complete her sentence and, after a bump or two or three, she worked non-stop Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and maybe Monday and Tuesday to ALLEGEDLY finish all of her debt to society.

This time. CSV sent a letter of completion to her court hearing this week because Lindsay doesn’t have to be in court; her lawyer, Shawn Holley, will hand the sacred doc to the judge.

Lindsay will ALLEGEDLY be breaking and entering a nightclub and drinking all the profits that night.