PR 12 Ep 8: Performance Wear That Underperforms

Imagine being awakened by Tim Gunn as a referee blowing your … whistle?

Yeah, that’s how this episode started, and then the designtestants trekked over to the Asphalt Green to meet up with Tim and Heidi and have a little athletic competition. Like Ken, and the other Gays, I was not feeling this one; the glamping was one thing, but an obstacle course with no cock-a-tails at the end? What’s the purpose?

But I digress …. The designers must complete obstacle course — in teams of two though this is thankfully not a team challenge — in a three-legged race, a tire run, a wheelbarrow race, and a flag grab.

Then the challenge: Make Heidi Some Dough, er, design an activewear look for Heidi Klum's — HK NB — New Balance line. The pair that wins the obstacle course will choose their fabric first and, far more importantly in this one day challenge, get an extra hour in the workroom.

Cutting to the chase, because I kinda glanced away during the competition, but Dom and Justin win, while Bradon and Helen forget to wheelbarrow and Jeremy and Alexander can’t find the flag. Then the designers are given $50 on their Go Bank Cards to buy fabric from Heidi’s line, and then the time to sketch and then to the workroom.

Let’s rip …..

THE SAFES

BRADON

I liked it but it was just another workout outfit. Nothing really special.

DOM

Not bad, but that hat? How come Ken didn’t go off that hat; it deserved it.

JEREMY

He wasn’t into the challenge as evidenced by his diss of the awful purple fabric.

JUSTIN

I liked his look, especially because he’s the only one who did shorts, a top, and a jacket.

BOTTOM THREE

ALEXANDRIA 

For some reason she decides to do the exact same dropped crotch, saggy bottomed pants she did after the glamping challenge, I guess because she won that week. Does she not know that she’ll get called out for a repeat, especially a repeat of a pant most people — save Heidi apparently — loathe? 

It looked droopy; it looked like a sweater tied around the models waist and then turned backwards. Odd, and hardly athletic.

The Adorable Zac Posen™ wanted to know how someone worked out in those pants — so Alexandria ordered her model to squat — and then he called her out on the Droopy Drawer Repeat. They aren’t fresh or new, and the ripped/slashed/whatever muscle T looked like it got “caught in the elliptical machine.”

Nine, after a snide little giggle, said, “Alexandria. Those pants are absolutely impossible to ride a bike, to run or do yoga.” And then throw in the bad looks-like-she-had-an-accident pants and the bear-claw T, and it’s just a mess.

Michael Kors said it’s the perfect look to wear to the gym if you want guys to leave you alone; he said the pants were unmovable and, well, filled with poop. And to that the low-slung, oddly placed, Pleasure Pockets, and the whole thing was a d-i-saster.

Heidi, though, to her credit, did like them, and did tell the judges she told Alexandria she liked them. Odd poopy pants.

UP CLOSE

The Adorable Zac Posen™ did not want to touch the look, while Michael Kors could only murmur, “Oh my goodness” and then ordered the model not to put her hands in the offensive pockets. Heidi still liked them, but then Nina pointed out that the vent in the back — the one Alexandria said she placed there to cool one down during the workout — actually wasn’t a vent at all.

Still, she was safe.

KEN AKA Sandro Part Two

Ken doesn’t camp or workout or play n ice or know how to control his emotions. He also doesn’t know how to design activewear but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Once the designtestants returned from their exercise — to find pieces from Heidi’s ‘collection’ on their mannequins to use for inspiration — Helen asked Tim is she could deconstruct the pants to use as a pattern; he called it a smart choice. Back inside, Ken asked Helen what she asked Tim and she won’t tell:

Ken: That’s shady.

Helen: Oh please, if you’re gonna be a child about it … you can reference the items on your—

Ken: Don’t go there now, don’t go there …

Helen: Relax, you’ve been so—

Ken: Don’t fucking go there today.

Helen: Don’t curse at me.

Ken: I said, don’t fucking go there.

Helen: Okay. Chill out. What? Sandro part two?

Ken: No, it’s Ken motherfucking Laurence, do you wanna see the paper?

Helen: Relax.

Ken: Shut.The.Fuck.Up.

Helen: You need to relax. It’s really disrespectful—

Ken: I don’t give a fuck. Shut.Up.

Helen: Dude, you’re crazy.

Ken: No, you’re gonna be crazy if I come the fuck over there, so shut up.

Helen: Cool. You’re gonna threaten me?

Ken: Ignorant ass bitch.

Helen: Fuck off, you’re ignorant.

Ken: I said, Shut.The.FUCK.Up.

Then he calls his church to speak to his second mama to whine about how hard it is and how bad it is, but fails to mention to his Church Mama the horrible things he said to a woman who was keeping something a secret. That’s Ken.

Of course, Church Mama settled him down and he came back to the workroom and apologized to Helen, but he’s got all kinds of issues he needs to work out. Like in his look—nice segue—which was, well, boring. Tights and a tank. Yay. Yawn.

Heidi said she didn’t ‘mind it—high praise indeed—but there was no fashion to it, even though Ken added several strap to the back. It was too safe and too boring. The Adorable Zac Posen™ wished ken had taken the strap idea and incorporated somewhere in the rest of the garment because there was no fashion. Nina called the proportions awkward, and said it looked like scuba gear—something Heidi mentioned in the workroom—or a girdle. Kors said it was borderline Tina Turner, with the skirt that rides up, and that it would be found on a sale rack in some bargain basement somewhere.

UP CLOSE

Heidi again liked the straps, but Kors mentioned that it looked like the girl was wearing seven bras—never a good look. Up close, The Adorable Zac Posen™ said the straps looked worse, while Nina called it terrible, not fashion, just a top and leggings.

But that is enough to be safe.

KAREN

First off, her voice and weird facial expressions—not to mention that hair color with the turning back to brown roots—make her seem more like a Comedy Central character than a designer; it’s like an Ana Gasteyer sketch character from SNL. And that’s the most interesting thing about her because her clothes are never good.

She set out to make a sports bra and running pants look, but Heidi crushed that in the workroom, so she went all pajamas, I guess, because that was the vibe I got.

Michael Kors said the only activity a woman in that look would do, would be heading to the buffet on a cruise ship. It wasn’t athletic, it didn’t show off the body … its sleepy-time cruise wear. Nina said it was a sad look on a sad looking model — who, in the Up Close section, through Karen under the bus by saying she hated the look — and bad pants that aren’t at all interesting. The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it “slouchy pants, sloppy sewing, neon nothing.” He really does put that Thesaurus to use, no? Heidi wished that it had been a loose top, on a tight bottom, or a tight top on a loose bottom and all this talk of tops and bottoms had me thinking of gay porn.

UP CLOSE

Heidi said it was worse up close, and The Adorable Zac Posen™ agreed. Kors said there was no expertise in the sewing and the crotch was bad; he then added, somewhat harshly I thought, that it looked like a 'fat chick getting a cookie.’ Nina said there was nothing sexy or dynamic and The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was a look for women who pretended to go to the gym.

All that adds up to Auf’d.

TOP THREE

ALEXANDER

A costume designer, we learned that his idea of exercise has something to do with drinking — I think I like him more now — and that he’s never done any kind of sportswear, knitwear, athletic wear, until he becomes costume designer for Jack LaLanne, The Musical!!!

I found his look kind of interchangeable with many others: a pair of tight leggings with a jacket on top, in grays and blacks. I’m not impressed; not just by him, but by all the designers and the challenge itself.

Heidi liked the look, and the color-blocked pants, though Nina said the color-blocking made the model look wide, and the high-waisted pants make her butt look long. Heidi also liked the asymmetry of the top and called it hip and cool. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it looked professionally made — not so high praise considering a designer made it and not a baker. Nina said, “You didn’t get high points from me” — and Alexander said, “I know” — and even Nina had to laugh, though she did say she liked the jacket. Kors also loved the jacket but said it looked like something on a sale rack, though, he said, “It’s in the store, you just have to get it in the bag and paid for.”

UP CLOSE

Kors again loved the asymmetry and the fact that the pants were draped and had no side seam, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ pointed out that some of the seams and color-blocking on the jacket didn’t quite match up. Heidi did like, but agreed that it shouldn’t really be Top Three but part of a Bottom Four.

Safe, but Bottom Four.

KATE

I’m getting the vibe that this season is being geared toward a Kate win because she keeps getting the Love Edit. There are loving camera angles, and lots of close-ups of Kate smiling; I half expect to see a slow-mo of ate and Heidi running toward one another in a field of daisies.

I found her look a little sweatshirt and tights, though it did have some interest.

Heidi liked the color choices and the use of the different fabrics from her collection. There was an odd zipper in the back of the pullover top that she found odd, but both Kors and Garcia liked that, when zipped close, it created a different silhouette.

Nina also called it fashion and function, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ apparently got the memo that Kate should win because he created a little poem, “Kate. You’re great” that was slightly uncomfortable to hear. He called her look polished and functional, while Kors added that it’s also very commercial.

UP CLOSE

Heidi noted how well-made it was — and it was, I’ll give Kate some credit. Kors said it was ambitiously designed and ambitiously crafted, while Nina was glad that Kate thought a great deal about design and function. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it had the most fabric usage and the most fabrication.

Kate — while not great in my mind — is safe.

HELEN

Helen has immunity but wants to prove she can be a contender so she sets out to win this. Nut, at the Heidi Tim critique all she shows is a t-shirt and tights. Heidi warns her to create a Wow piece, and tells Helen to focus on the jacket she sketched, and thank Dior Helen listened.

I guess, because I found her look a little Witchy Poo at Curves.

But, as happens, I was wrong. Nina said that a jacket that covers the ass and thighs was, well, “I love.” And then she said she’d buy it. It had good proportions, was athletic and fashionable. Kors called it a hybrid of Stevie Nicks at the gym, and said it would work on all ages, while The Adorable Zac Posen™  called it versatile and little Elvira, which he liked he did say that the t-shirt was a throwaway, but he liked the look, and so did Heidi.

UP CLOSE

The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was cool and fabulous, smart and chic, while Kors again commended the jacket, even though he hated the shirt — he called it a ‘woof’. Nina said it had a lightness and was fabulous, and once again said she would buy it. So, I guess if Nina wants to actually pay for it, then it’s a winner. Sadly, though, there are no more immunity wins after last week so Helen is not safe next week.

MY TAKE

I was bored. Except for Ken’s meltdown this episode was a snooze. Activewear? And another challenge for people to line the already gold coin filled pockets o Heidi Klum without making  a penny themselves—you know Helen doesn’t get one red cent for her design being sold as part of Heidi’s collection, right?

Bradon, once a top contender, has settled too comfortable in the middle and that has me worried; the same goes for Dom.

It’s apparent now that Kate will go to The Tents, and possibly Helen, too, if she doesn’t make another disastrous mistake thinking she’s all that.

Ken should be kept around for the drama and possible arrest for threatening a fellow designer, while Jeremy is slowly becoming the new “Who?” on the show.

Justin? I still find him adorable, especially that cute little chest bump he gave to Dom when they won the obstacle course, but he also needs to step it up, but not go over the top like he did before, if he wants a real show.

What did YOU think?