I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Well, Lohan is back in the news because you know she just can’t stay away. A couple of weeks and no gossip and Lindsay probably gets the shakes; unless she’s running low on meds and that’s why she gets the twitches.

Anyway, remember back in June when Lohan was making that sure-to-be craptastic Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick, and she crashed her rented car? And remember when she and her team—and by team, I mean Dina Lohan and a box of chardonnay—said it wasn’t Lindsay’s fault.

They said the truck cut Lindsay off”

They said Lindsay wasn’t driving!

They said the brakes failed!

Oops. Turns out that last one has proven to be….wait for it…..it’s unexpected……considering its Lohan….a complete lie. The Porsche dealership—stupid enough to rent to Lohan in the first place—tested the brakes on the car and found, oh yeah, nothing wrong with them.

So, let’s get this queer: Lindsay lied about the brakes failing; she lied to the cops about who was driving the car; she ALLEGEDLY tried to flee: she ALLEGEDLY tried to pay off the truck driver: she ALLEGEDLY hid the drugs and alcohol.

So why isn’t she being punished?

Oh, she’s Teflon Lindsay.

Until she kills someone, or herself.

Jennifer Lopez loves to play the press, and she’s good at it, you know, keeping her name and her large ass out there.

She’s leaving Idol! She’s staying at Idol!

But then it was announced that Stephen Tyler was leaving the show and suddenly Lopez made up her mind. She was leaving, too, and she left first! Dammit!

After months of speculation, and the “hardest business conversation she’s ever had”—meaning how much money would they give her to keep her large posterior region in that chair—Lopez is gone.

JLo: “I honestly feel like the time has come that I have to get back to doing the other things that I do that I put … on hold because I love Idol so much. I could do Idol for the rest of my life, but that would be giving up a bunch of other things. We had an amazing run.”

Um, JLo, er, Jen? Is your short-term memory misfiring because before Idol your career was in the crapper, and you were ALLEGEDLY happily married? Then Idol comes along and the career starts to boom and the marriage fails and the boy-toy is in the picture and you're making money hand over fist and…..you quit.

Tail.Spin.

I give her a couple of years of being JLo who? Before she signs on to judge the Westminster Dog Show.

And, um speaking of JLo’s boy-toy, well, this is rich.

Casper Smart actually set up his autograph session at one of JLo’s concerts so the fans could meet him. Seriously. 
And people actually showed up to get his autograph and he thinks it’s because he’s a big star and not because he’s screwing a big star. 
I mean, if he wasn’t boning Lopez how many people would know he was Casper Smart and not The-Back-up-Dancer-With-The-Shaved-Head-And-Tats-Who-Looks-Like-A-Live-Action-Jiminy-Cricket?

Sure, he’s JLo’s future ex-husband and future alimony payment, who has a reality show in the making because JLo wants him to have his own thing, but other than that, who is he?

A 25-year-old servicing a 42-year-old.

Just sayin’.

On the exTomKat front:

Katie seems to be making some bold statements and all without saying a word.

If you’ve noticed, since Katie dumped the Missus, little Suri is walking all by herself and not being carried around like a Cabbage Patch Doll—Scientology Suri—and not wearing make-up and not wearing high heels.

It’s like she’s a normal kid after all.

And another stamen Katie is making is that, come fall, Suri will attend an all-girls Catholic school in New York, Manhattan’s prestigious Convent of the Sacred Heart, whose alumnae list includes Lady Gaga, Jordana Brewster, Nicky Hilton, Caroline Kennedy, and the late Gloria Morgan Vanderbilt. The school costs about $38,000 a year.

And, well, TommyGrrl is paying for it because, ALLEGEDLY, that’s part of the settlement agreement.

Xenu is not happy.

A week or so ago, I mentioned that Demi Moore’s daughters—Rumer, Tallulah and Scout—had decided to distance themselves from their Botox-and-Whip-Its crazed mama.

Well, it seems that Demi woke up from her stupor and got the message and, well, now the girls might be getting a little more firm in dealing with Mama Moore.

Allegedly Demi’s daughters are considering taking out a restraining order to prevent their mother from contacting them further. And, furthermore, also ALLEGEDLY, the girls aren’t buying Demi’s Fresh From Rehab Sobriety act, and are using that as another reason to keep her at bay.

 “Rumer, Scout and Tallulah are seriously considering taking out a restraining order against Demi to stop her from contacting them,” a source—and by source, I mean Ashton—says, “They made it clear to her weeks ago that they do not want to talk to her right now but she is still.…calling them incessantly and emailing them, leaving them tearful messages and begging them to call her and the girls are sick of it.”

But, let’s—and by ‘let’s’ I mean me—not be too hard on Demi. I mean, she was married to a walking STD aka Ashton, and when he cheated on her the weekend of their sixth anniversary, Demi decided the marriage was over. She decided to set the example to her daughter’s about marriage and trust and infidelity, and now her girls are staying in contact with Adulterous Ashton.

That’s gotta hurt a lot, and no amount of Red Bull and whip-Its can ease that pain.

Meanwhile, back at the Cruise, now that Katie escaped, taking little Suri with her, who will Tom marry next. I mean, he has to be married—to a woman—or else all those nasty gay rumors will start swirling again.

So, let’s see who is the running to be the future ex-Missus Tommy:

There was talk of Julianne Hough, but since she’s dating that other totally straight man, Ryan Seacrest, she might be off-limits. There’s that whole, Keep Your Hands Off My Beard rule in Hollywood, which is why Kelly Preston—although a Scientologist herself—is off the table, too.

Some say it could be The Help actress, Jessica Chastain, who is just strange enough to fit into Tommy’s warped world. She and Tom would be simpatico, tightly-wound, workaholic perfectionists who keep their private life private unless it’s time to show it off to stop a rumor.

And there’s an unknown, a la Katie Holmes: “Latin beauty” Yolanda Pecoraro. She might be perfect because no one knows her and she’s already a Scientologist. And she and Tom ALLEGEDLY briefly dated back in 2004 before Katie won the role of Missus Cruise and Tommy started couch jumping.

And since Scientology expert Margery Wakefield says, “Tom’s next marriage will be inside the church” the idea of Yolanda might just be true. Especially since Yolanda and Tom met at the opening of a new Scientology center in Spain in 2004 and that he fell head over heels….Giggle stop….for her. And then, ALLEGEDLY, paid for Yolanda to attend expensive Scientology courses at the Celebrity Centre in Hollywood.

Don’t worry that Yolanda already has a Scientologist boyfriend. The COS ALLEGEDLY will stop at nothing to keep Tommy happy. And married.

To a woman.

I think Kris Jenner should get a job on Broadway as Mama Rose in a new production of Gypsy because if there ever was a more fame-hungry, fame-whoring, showbiz Mama out there, I’ve never seen her.

Of course, if Jenner were to star in Gypsy, she’d probably ask that the name be changed to Mama Kose Kyspy. She does love her ‘K’s.

See, daughter Khloe—the one who doesn’t look like any of the others—wanted wanted her own talk show, but Kris convinced her that a better idea would be a mommy-and-me talk-show, with Kris as co-host. She never met one of her daughter’s dreams that she didn’t want to step on.

But now that E! is involved, it looks like it Kris will be the host and Khloe will be the plus-one. Of course, E! wants in because Kris has promised exclusive interviews with Kim-n-Kanye, as well as film rights to Kim-n-Kanye’s wedding, first rights at the bay photos and a front row seat at the Kim-n-Kanye divorce. All of which should take place in the first season of the Kris-n-Khloe show.

Creepy news.

Fred Willard was arrested for lewd conduct when police allegedly caught him with his pants down in an adult movie theater. According to law enforcement sources, LAPD undercover vice officers went into the Tiki Theater and stumbled upon—oh the imagery—Fred watching the theater’s “feature” presentation with his penis exposed and in his hand.

He was pulling a PeeWee.

See what I did there? And this bit, well, it just writes itself: it seems Fred Willard, according to IMDb is in preproduction on a movie called….wait for it…..it’s too good….called, “The Yank.”

Oh, and Fred’s seventy-two, so, well, try and get that image out of your head.

Fred yanking seventy-two-year-old Little Fred.