DS7EP8: So Bad, It Yurts

So, we're down to the Final Three and all I can think is Thank god this is nearly over. I think this might be my last season with Design Star-Not-So-Much, because it's less design and more plugs and shopping. Seriously, I know more about the car that Bromstad drove in the show than I do about what the so-called designers actually did.

Still, let's roll....This last task was to create a fantasy bedroom inside a Yurt. A Yurt, for those not in the know, is "a portable, bent wood-framed dwelling structure traditionally used by Turkic nomads in the steppes of Central Asia. The structure comprises a crown or compression wheel (tüýnük) usually steam bent, supported by roof ribs which are bent down at the end where they meet the lattice wall. The structure is usually covered by layers of fabric and sheep's wool felt for insulation and weatherproofing."

Thanks Wikipedia™.

See, I can plug things just like Design Star.

BRITANY

She worked with Design on a Dime™ carpenter, and former model, Joel West to create what she dubbed a modern beach bungalow. Yeah, I don't see it either, because when I think beach, I think driftwood, and light-colored woods, not some mammoth plywood spinning bed thing and dark floors.

Miss.

But, I'll give her props for stepping away from her usual style of Hollywood Glam and proving that she isn't just a one-note designer, but that she's a two-note designer.

Two.Flat.Notes.

I will also say that she is the only designer to do something on the ceiling and, well, if I only look up, her room is fantastic. It looked rich and sexy and with that giant white light fixture, I would have thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

Sadly, I must look down. At that bed. At that ginormous bed. I liked the idea that it would rotate, and that there would be storage behind, but, um, Britany, when you gotta move the furniture before spinning the bed, it doesn't work. Isn't that Design Rule #1?

Plus, it looked like stained plywood, which screamed Brady Bunch basement--or Greg's room in the attic--and so completely not beachy. Or modern. And the lack of a rug seemed odd because, without one, the furniture, before being chased outside by the Dreidel Bed, looks lost in the space.

Lost In Space. I had such a crush on Billy Mumy on that show that I....where was I?

Britany's Camera Challenges are like a bad first date. The hot guy, aka Joel West, kinda got flirty with her and she just let it go. She's awkward and, after all this time, really no better than that first week.

Speaking of cameras, we learned, again, that Britany is a photographer, so she decided to create some photographic art for the walls. She stepped outside the yurt and took pictures of grass, had them blown up, and then placed them along the walls.

It yurt my eyes they were so awful.

And Teensy Vern wasn’t impressed, either, because he'd hoped for something more graphic and abstract, and, well, good. The Goiter, in Pea Green Camel-Toe said "the oversized pendant is a lovely, lovely proportion" which is Goiter for It's as big as the ring that HGTV exec gave me for not telling his wife that we're screwing. Guest judge, and world renowned designer, Entertainment Tonight host, Mark Steines said.....who cares what he said. He hosts a gossip show for Pete's sake.

DANIELLE

She was paired with Mister Clean, aka bald and big-gunned Chip Wade, host of HGTV's Elbow Room™ and they turned their yurt into a world travelling ethnic getaway. Or something.

I give Danielle, props for actually designing a bed, but she gets points off for not being clear in her design--which Chip followed to the letter--because they ended up with this flat-board canopy bed that seemed cheap in a sea of ethnic riches. And to use reclaimed lumber for a headboard and then stack pillows in front of it was a huge mistake. Huge. Add in the fact that the room is filled with all those fabulous colors and she paints the bed gray and it ended up looking sad.

And while her room had the most texture, with layered rugs and animal hides on the floor, Danielle did nothing to the walls--well, except for painting vinyl yellow and having Chip shove it behind the lattice and then having Chip remove it from the lattice--and nothing to the ceiling. It was furnished.

Nicely. But just furnished.

Danielle's first Camera Challenge was awkward with a capital AWK. But she redeemed herself by being much more fun and natural on the second go-round.

Mark Steines loved that Danielle used plants because when he's in a yurt he wants to be close to Mother Earth. In other words, he had nothing to say. Vern liked the use of textures in the rugs and the chairs and that round thing on the wall. Texture. Apparently it's Texture Star.

The Goiter agreed with Vern because, well, let's face, one word from Vern and she'll be working in a rice paddy in Saigon. But, she also said that while she loved the texture, she would "die in the muted gray abyss" of the bed.

Muted gray abyss. Sounds like the inside of her head.

HILARI

Hilari got lumped with Jeff Devlin, from HGTV sister channel, the DIY's I Hate My Bath™ and together they decided to go to Bali.

Hilari, while I find her fun, represents my biggest issue with this show. She wanted to create a Bali-style tropical retreat and so she went out and found a Bali daybed to buy. And then some Bali furniture to buy. And then some rich Bali silks to buy and hang on the walls.

Bali-bought. Again, it's Design Star not Shopping Star.

She did have her carpenter create panels to resemble the Chinese symbol for longevity--because she wants to stay in the competition longer....cue ominous drumming. The one on the door stayed and it looked very cool, but thankfully the ones she made for the windows were tossed in a yurtfire outside.

And, well, she had that armoire, with the gold leaf interior and she filled it with pillows and jugs. Pillows.And.Jugs. It's like, Well, I have all these extra pillows and jugs, where do I shove them and The Goiter's ass was nowhere to be found.

Her Camera Challenges were cute--even when her carpenter tipped over a window screen--but we learn nothing from her. Except that she wants to go to Bali and she knows how to shop.

Oh, but those wacky judges, Mini-Me, The Goiter and The Gossip Guy lovedlovedloved the bed. It’s like they had never seen one before and, well, that shows how moronic the judges seem to be. The Goiter thought the longevity symbol on the door added some definition to the space. WTF is she talking about and why is she even talking at all? Hasn't she got some Glade to shill?

However, they didn't like the Dead Zones on either side of the day bed, and I kept thinking that veteran character actor Christopher Walken would appear, grab Hilari's hand and tell her that her future was HGTV-less. But the judges did that for me, because Hilari was the designer--shopper--asked to leave the room.

MY TAKE

I like Daniele the best, but that doesn't say much. I mean, when she's set against the dim-bulb that is Britany and the shopaholic that is Hilari, well, all you have left is Danielle.

I think I'm done with the DS because it's not at all about design. I mean, what would we be saying about Project Runway if the designers were told they needed to make a red carpet outfit and they all went and bought dresses and sewed sleeves on them? It isn't design.

And that's the issue. This challenge, two "designers” designed beds; that was good. One designer designed a door panel; that was okay. But the rest of the time was showing us the stores where they shop and the things that they buy.

It's boring and it's old.

I'll have my final thoughts next week, after the finale. Finally.

But, what did YOU think?