Saturday, April 09, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Remember Sean Young?  Well, I do; she was on the fast track to be an A-list Hollywood star when she went all kinds of Catwoman cray.

She appeared on talk shows dressed as Catwoman; she stalked Batman director Tim Burton trying to get the job as Catwoman. Decades after she did not get the part of Catwoman she appeared on Late Night with David Letterman dressed as Catwoman — I guess no one told her that Michelle Pfeiffer got the job, and then gave it to Halle Berry who sucked at it and gave it to Anne Hathaway who finally killed the role for good. And so these days Sean Young doesn’t make movies; she’s too busy appearing in Celebrity Rehab and Skating with Celebrities.

Uh huh. But she did give an interview where she talked about … wanting to play Catwoman in that decade’s old Tim Burton movie:
“If these Warner Bros. executives now were really good businessmen, they’d let me play Catwoman today, and I’d make a smash amount of money. But they’re too stupid. You can lead people to water, but you can’t make them great artists.”
Wait? What? Do any of you know just how much a smash amount of money is? I don’t have my dollar-to-smash exchange rate calculator handy.

And that last metaphor? Even Batman couldn’t solve that one.

Awards season is over. What to do, what to do … we wait for the Met Gala in May; you know the Met Gala, where Kanye West made his then-pregnant, then-girlfriend, Kim Kardastrophe, dress up as a sofa, and where Beyoncé tries to wear less and less clothing each year.

The Met Gala! And Anna Wintour! For last year’s Met Gala, Anna Wintour allowed cameras to follow her and her team around as they prepared for the event and the result is the documentary called The First Monday In May.

Most of the juiciest quotes come from Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, Vogue’s head of events who says Anna Wintour picks up garbage … and by garbage I don’t mean a passed out Miley Cyrus under a table somewhere:
“We’d be in our gowns and picking up tables and sweeping the floors ... if there’s garbage on the floor. Anna does that, too.”
And she dishes on the biggest no-nos of the event: parsley! Wintour banned parsley from being served at the party “because you don’t want that stuck in your teeth.” She has also shunned onion and garlic … bad breath … and bruschetta because it can “fall easily on your gown.”

Quelle horrors! And then there are the seating arrangements which play out like Mean Girls Hosting The Prom because, at one point in the documentary, Anna complains about a particularly bad table because there’s “no celeb” at it and she’s told there’s only “Chloë Sevigny and Solange Knowles.”

Ouch. But later in the film, when Sevigny finds her table, she sighs and says to the camera:
“Just like high school.”
But with better clothes and bigger bitches.

On Friday we learned that Madonna, in a desperate attempt to win back Rocco, her runaway teenage son, had opted for a lawyer-free custody meeting with Rocco and his father Guy Ritchie.

But maybe Rocco isn’t too keen on meeting with Mama Madge anytime soon because he just took a not-so-subtle shot at her on Instagram by, first, turning his account Private and then, in the one part of his account that every can see, updated his profile to include the following description of himself:
“Son of a bitch”

Taylor  Swift showed up at the iHeartRadio Awards in LA over the weekend after her people bought her several awards, and when she accepted the award for Best Tour she finally, publicly mentioned her on-camera, real life, not just for publicity boyfriend Adam Wilkes, AKA Calvin Harris:
“For the first time I had the most amazing person to come home to when the crowds were all gone and the spotlight went out so I’d like to thank my boyfriend Adam for that.”
And moments later when Calvin, er, Adam, er, gigolo, won some award he thanked everyone … but TayTay.

Ouch. I imagine it was cold in TayTay's Pink Palace that night.

A while ago I told the story of stoner actress Vanessa Hudgens and her boyfriend visiting Sedona National Park and carving their initials into the national monument and Instagramming their act of vandalism.

I’d hoped the authorities would search Skid Row and find her trying to score and arrest her for defacing nature but, alas, it seemed to go unnoticed.

Until now … authorities have told Hudgens that she can either pay a fine and restitution or appear in court for carving a heart into red rock in Sedona two months ago.

Damaging a natural feature on U.S. Forest Service land is a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail and a maximum $5,000 fine.

But hey, she spends more than that on herb on a Friday afternoon.

When That Woman rises from her crypt today there is going to be a guttural wail so loud it could wake the dead … or at least revive Sean Young's career.

See, That Woman’s son, the one she never talks about, the one who doesn’t appear on their “reality” show, Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, Rob Kardastrophe has gone and proposed marriage to Blac Chyna.

Blac and rob posed for a picture on Instagram and SnapChat with Blac casually showing off a $325,000 engagement ring — courtesy of ratings pimp and KUWTKardastophes producer, Ryan Seacrest.

Naturally, this is probably because Seacrest wants to film the wedding and the honeymoon and the subsequent divorce, and the day That Woman’s face caves in because she’s realized she has Blac Chyna for a daughter-in-law.

There won’t be enough Botox on the plant to save that mess.

PS When Rob and Blac hitch it up, he’ll become the stepfather to his littlest sister’s boyfriend’s baby. Just sayin’.

I have often said in this space here — I mean, I literally said it a few paragraphs ago — that I believe Taylor Swift doesn’t really win all those awards, but that she has her people buy them for her, and now, well, I kinda have proof.

Something called the BMI Pop Awards — Buy Me It Awards? — have come up with an award to give Taylor Swift:

The Taylor Swift Award.

On May 10th TayTay will accept the Taylor Swift Award at the 56th annual BMI Pop Awards in Beverly Hills. I haven’t seen the award but I’m guessing it’s shaped like a giant ego???
Taylor isn’t the first one to get a BMI award named after her. Michael Jackson got the Michael Jackson Award from BMI back in 1990.

Still, wouldn’t it be a hoot if Taylor Swift shows up at the awards and when the envelope is opened it says the award goes to Katy Perry?

I’d die.

Lastly, from the If You Don’t Have Enough Money Already, Beyoncé, Sue to Get More:
A company named Feyoncé [sounds like fiancée] Inc is being sued by Beyoncé because Bey has trademarked anything and everything that can be attached to her name, her career, her likeness or anything she likes, thinks she might like, hates now but wonders if someday she will like it, etc.

Feyoncé started selling stuff with the word “Feyoncé” on it in the same font Beyoncé uses—and I think Beyoncé owns that font—and so Beyoncé called her lawyers and slapped Feyoncé Inc with a lawsuit accusing them of selling illegal merch.

Not only does Beyoncé want Feyoncé Inc to stop making money off her name, she wants all of the money they’ve already made, plus damages for using her name.

Perhaps they should’a called it Bitchoncé? Fakeoncé? Getalifeoncé?

Still, I’m scared, because I planted something called Blue Ivy in my yard today and BAM I got a cease-and-desist letter …


mistress maddie said...

I love Wintour and will have to see that documentary. Rocco just got some HUGE upgrades and points for that one!!!! I just bet Madonna's head imploded. Meanwhile what does that Woman expect for a daughter in law, or any in law? The rule is trash attracts trash. Did she really expect the cream of the crop?

anne marie in philly said...

garbage all! nothing but hos n bitches!

the dogs' mother said...

my head is spinning!

Blobby said...

Beyonce must have sued '30 Rock'. Grizz' fiancee was named Feyonce.

As for the Met Gala - I now only see Miranda Priestly greeting Jacquline Follet.