Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me why I don’t have any self-control I remind them that I have cooked for people I should have poisoned so, yes, I do have self-control

… that I’ve just come to realize that I swing both ways … but violently, and with a bat; come at me motherfuckers

… that I learned that I have reached the age where I don’t make eye contact with people because they look like a “talker”

… that I always tell people, “It doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful because at the end of the day it’s evening.”

… that when a  co-worker asked why I used F-bombs so much I replied, “What the fuck is an F-bomb?” Seriously, these kids and their lingo.

… that some really attractive people are called “eye candy” but most of y’all are just “eye okra.”

… that people need to learn that canceling plans is okay, and making coffee just for yourself is okay, and  plotting revenge on your enemies is okay and drinking coffee out of the skulls of your enemies is okay. It’s called self-care.

… that while I naturally look mad people don’t understand that it’s just my default face settings.

… that people need to know that I only accept cash apologies because it’s called accountability and it needs to go in to my account.

… that if I had the chance to meet many people again, I’d block them from day one.