Tuesday, May 03, 2016

The Met Gala Fashion

The Met Gala; well, technically, it’s the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Benefit, a black-tie extravaganza—say it like RuPaul, you know you want to … extravGANZAAAAAA—held the first Monday in May to raise money for the Costume Institute, the only one of the Met’s curatorial departments that has to fund itself.

It’s also called the “Party of the Year,” and the “Oscars of the East Coast,” and the “Don’t Piss Off Anna Wintour,” though the best description comes from publicist Paul Wilmot, who calls it the “ATM for the Met.”

It’s a time to rock the fashion, to go big or go home, or, better yet, stay home if you aren’t going big. And this year’s exhibit, and theme, is “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology.” Let’s see how our stars did … in no particular order:

Beyoncé. Okay, so she has an ass in latex. Haven’t we already gotten that memo?

Dakota Johnson. Just because you wear stars on the dress doesn’t mean you’re a star. Go back to secretarial school.

Demi Lovato looks a little like the two dollar roasting pan I bought at Food lion last Thanksgiving.

Jennifer Connelly? What is the Granny Clampett, sh*t-kicking boots mess is this thing?

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. I get that they’re twins, but do they have to go everywhere like Siamese twins, joined at the gut. Back under the bridge, Troll Dolls.

Katy Perry. I don’t get “Fashion in an Age of Technology,” but at least she brought the fashion.

Kerry Washington. No, honey, no. The hair color? The Elvira negligee?

Kim Kardastrophe came as the Tin Man, though it’s clear she was not only looking for a heart, but a brain, too.

Lady Gaga still capitalizing on David Bowie’s passing. Put some pants on.

Madonna. #TryHardEpicFail as I called her Facebook. By the time she starts acting her age, or stops looking for attention, we’ll all be dead.

Miranda Kerr. Was there a reason for taking the undergarments and wearing them on the outside after you tacked on what was left of Grandma’s quilt? Asking for a friend.

Nicole Kidman looks like she’s wearing a map of the universe. I think I see my house.

Nikki Minaj decided it best to buckle down … lest the girls escape.

Rita Ora looks like her dress ripped as she walked the stairs; either that, or she’s molting.

Sarah Jessica Parker usually brings it, good or bad, but now it just looks like she’s begging for a role in ‘Hamilton.’

Selena Gomez. Why bother showing up at all when you show up in some Forever 21 Half-Off Bargain Bin nonsense?

Solange Knowles, looking like, and I’ll say it, a urine soaked coffee filter.

Taylor Swift. A bleached blonde futuristic blow-up doll … on sale.

And lastly, Zoe Kravitz came dress as a bug? A superhero? An advertisement for Jo-Ann’s Fabrics?


Toni said...

I swear, I want to go have coffee with you at the Mall and have you critique the Mall Walkers. You are too funny!

mistress maddie said...

I hate to say it. But Katy Perry and Claire Danes were the best dress. I love a good dress that can cascade a staircase. Madonna. This is by FAR she biggest epic fail she has ever pulled. im embarrassed for her. And enough with the damn face surgery. And the million dollar question. Just how many tubs of Crisco did Kim and Beyonce use to that those dresses below those asses the size of Texas??? Remember girls, gravy isn't a beverage. Just a teeny tiny suggestion to Anna....next year dear, please look over the invites before sending. The current guest list is appalling and an affront to the very delicacy of my nature. Very nice recap Bob, very nice.

anne marie in philly said...

they ALL look like 10 cent whores. every last one of them. where's helen mirren when you need her to bring some class and dignity to an event?

the dogs' mother said...

My goodness! There are no words!

Princess said...

Sadly it seems that all their taste for fashion is in their mouths...

Blobby said...

laughing at Demi Lovato. I'm kind of digging Jennifer Connley's get-up. And Grandonna? Lordy. She will dress inappropriately, and will call everyone ageist and sexist when they criticize any detractors. She is actually horrible.

Will J said...

Was Madonna's outfit an homage to Prince's assless pants?

Someone needs to take her aside and tell her that if she was old enough to wear it the first time it came around, it is off limits to her this time.

Helen Lashbrook said...

Not one decent dress in the lot; what did the Evil Troll Queen (aka AW) wear?

Biki Honko said...

I have to say I did enjoy Sarah Jessica's outfit. Madonna and Lady Gaga were just shudder horrid.