The Met Gala; well, technically, it’s the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Benefit, a black-tie extravaganza—say it like RuPaul, you know you want to … extravGANZAAAAAA—held the first Monday in May to raise money for the Costume Institute, the only one of the Met’s curatorial departments that has to fund itself.
It’s also called the “Party of the Year,” and the “Oscars of the East Coast,” and the “Don’t Piss Off Anna Wintour,” though the best description comes from publicist Paul Wilmot, who calls it the “ATM for the Met.”
It’s a time to rock the fashion, to go big or go home, or, better yet, stay home if you aren’t going big. And this year’s exhibit, and theme, is “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology.” Let’s see how our stars did … in no particular order:
Beyoncé. Okay, so she has an ass in latex. Haven’t we already gotten that memo?
Dakota Johnson. Just because you wear stars on the dress doesn’t mean you’re a star. Go back to secretarial school.
Demi Lovato looks a little like the two dollar roasting pan I bought at Food lion last Thanksgiving.
Jennifer Connelly? What is the Granny Clampett, sh*t-kicking boots mess is this thing?
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. I get that they’re twins, but do they have to go everywhere like Siamese twins, joined at the gut. Back under the bridge, Troll Dolls.
Katy Perry. I don’t get “Fashion in an Age of Technology,” but at least she brought the fashion.
Kerry Washington. No, honey, no. The hair color? The Elvira negligee?
Kim Kardastrophe came as the Tin Man, though it’s clear she was not only looking for a heart, but a brain, too.
Lady Gaga still capitalizing on David Bowie’s passing. Put some pants on.
Madonna. #TryHardEpicFail as I called her Facebook. By the time she starts acting her age, or stops looking for attention, we’ll all be dead.
Miranda Kerr. Was there a reason for taking the undergarments and wearing them on the outside after you tacked on what was left of Grandma’s quilt? Asking for a friend.
Nicole Kidman looks like she’s wearing a map of the universe. I think I see my house.
Nikki Minaj decided it best to buckle down … lest the girls escape.
Rita Ora looks like her dress ripped as she walked the stairs; either that, or she’s molting.
Sarah Jessica Parker usually brings it, good or bad, but now it just looks like she’s begging for a role in ‘Hamilton.’
Selena Gomez. Why bother showing up at all when you show up in some Forever 21 Half-Off Bargain Bin nonsense?
Solange Knowles, looking like, and I’ll say it, a urine soaked coffee filter.
Taylor Swift. A bleached blonde futuristic blow-up doll … on sale.
And lastly, Zoe Kravitz came dress as a bug? A superhero? An advertisement for Jo-Ann’s Fabrics?