It's Snarkurday!

So Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are still around, having survived how many “reality” shows and Dean’s serial adultery?

The two recently got matching 10th anniversary tattoos on their European vacation — a trip no doubt subsidized by whatever rag-tag second-rate TV channel airing their next incarnation as media whores — and then Tori celebrated her 43rd birthday in a castle in Denmark.

But,. And I’m just guessing here, maybe they dropped a few too many coins on the ink because Tori charged attendees at her birthday bash $300 a piece to be in her presence … with presents.

I would’a thought Tori would have paid people $300 to attend so, while filming the entire hot mess for a new reality gig in the bottom right-hand corner of the Weather Channel screen, it would look like lots of people came to cheer Tori on.

Like that would happen.

Faye Dunaway, decades after Mommie Dearest, is still rocking the Joan Crawford Plan.

You know, always looking like a movie star. See, Dunaway arrived at amfAR’s star-studded gala in Cannes, France, with the most unusual accessory; not a multi-million dollar ring …not a gown of real gold … not a beau young enough to be her great grandson.

No, Faye brought along a scale to weigh her food and calculate her calories.

A source — and it might be Blake Lively striving to be the Whore of Cannes — says:

“She sat at her dinner table and pulled out the scale from a paper bag.”

Then Faye, who is rail-thin, began to weigh the food served to her … including the salad.

Seriously? Weighing lettuce is what Faye Dunaway has been reduced to?

Christina? Bring me the axe.

But Dunaway is known for her, shall we politely say, “quirky” behavior; she’s been known to shriek at the staff in high-end boutiques if they come near her; in the ’90s, she ALLEGEDLY shrieked at a flight crew for not upgrading a coach ticket from JFK to London’s Heathrow, going all Reese Witherspoon with the, “Don’t you know who I am?” The crew then got revenge as she slept by grabbing a bunch of wire hangers and putting them on the seat next to her.

And she ALLEGEDLY had a world-class hissy fit at the Sunset Tower Hotel in 2013, when she was shown a suite outfitted for the disabled, and shrieked at the staff, “Do I look handicapped to you?”

This isn’t her first time at the rodeo.

Did you know That Woman’s real name is Kristen Mary Houghton? Sounds like a good Catholic girl and that would never do for someone who would grow up to pimp out her daughter’s sex tape to make a name for herself and her offspring.

Kristen Mary is so normal, but when she married Robert Kardashian, she became Kris Kardastrophe. And then when she wed the then-Bruce Jenner she became Kris Jenner; a name she kept even after she and Bruce divorced and he transitioned to Caitlyn.

But now That Woman wants to erase the Jenner from her name; so, will, she now be Kris Houghton?

Oh.Hell.No. She’s changing her name back to that of her first ex-husband and will be Kris Kardastrophe now because how else can she capitalize on media whoredom if she goes by Houghton?

Still, she’ll always be That Woman to me.

Well, who knew … Kanye West is a megalomaniac diva? A certain an ex-employee, that’s who, although he stayed in Kanye’s employ for about a fortnight.

Steve Stanulis, an ex-NYPD cop whose past clients include Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire, says Kanye refuses to push his own elevator buttons, acts like a spoiled child, and demands that staff not speak in his presence.

“I had to look after his toddler daughter once and it was so much easier than baby-sitting the father.”

On his very first day, Stanulis got a taste of West’s pampered antics:

“We headed to his music studio. When we got into the elevator Kanye just stood there with his arms folded and said, ‘Aren’t you going to press the button?’”

And when Stanulis explained he didn’t know which floor, Kanye flipped out, squealing that his time was precious and that he couldn’t believe Stanulis hadn’t called ahead to find out which floor to go to.

Stanulis also bothered Kanye once when he ‘got in his shot’ as the paparazzi were taking pictures and says that one time, when Kanye threw a fit and stormed out of the studio in a rage, Stanulis was sent to retrieve the petulant egomaniac.  He got into his personal  car to scour the streets looking for Kanye, and when he finally found him, The Diva balked at having to maneuver past Stanulis’ children’s’ car seats to sit in the rear of the vehicle:

“I told him he could get in or keep on walking — and after a sulk he climbed in the front.”

But the biggest sin of all was that after Kanye ordered Stanulis to never speak to Kim Kardastrophe — after spotting Stanulis introducing himself to Kim — Kanye saw Kim and Stanulis standing in a hallway chatting like old friends and Stanulis was instantly fired.

He’d been on the job fourteen days. To be fair, perhaps Kanye is jealous of men who speak to his wife, who has been married … nine times is it … and made her career flat on her back, heels to Jesus, while her boyfriend, at that minute, schtupped her, is not someone who should be left alone with men.

Just sayin’.

Ring the bells! Eva Longoria is married … again.

The celebrated star of … what has she done besides Desperate Housewives … married Jose “Pepe” Antonio Baston, the president of Televisa. Eva and Pepe have been together for close to three years and were married last week in Mexico.

Despite this being her third marriage, the bride wore white and announced to the world:

“I’ve been waiting for a day like this my whole life.”

I’m confused, because hasn’t she had a day like that at least twice before?

Still, the best part of the whole day was that Eva’s Desperate Housewives co-star Vanessa Williams showed up to sing “Save the Best for Last.”

It was Vanessa’s way of saying, “Stop doing this!”

Leo DiCaprio — who has spoken out many times about global warming and climate change — recently accepted an environmental award from the Riverkeeper Fishermen’s Ball in New York City.

DiCaprio was in Cannes the day before the ceremony but made it to the awards dinner by taking a private jet from Cannes, then flying straight back to France on another private jet a night later.

Environmental analyst Robert Rapier, who said DiCaprio’s movie-star lifestyle “diminishes his moral authority to lecture others on reducing their own carbon emissions.”

Seriously, Leo preaches about the environment then jets around the world on private planes and private yachts rather than say, I dunno, fly commercial like the rest of us?

Now, a source close to DiCaprio — possibly one of the models he jets around with — says Leo did not charter his own flights, but merely “hitched a ride with someone.”

Still, flying private damages the environment more than flying commercial so maybe Leo needs a rethink of his traveling habits.

Meanwhile, back at Kanye … he was on Ellen last week and completely hijacked the show for one of his insane rants.

In fact, at one point he stopped looking at Ellen while he spoke and turned to speak directly to the camera at though he was Professor Kanye giving a lecture. He repeated many of the things he said on Twitter earlier this year when he went on about how he wants Mark Zuckerberg and the other moguls of Silicon Valley to give him at least $1 billion so that he can make the world a better place.  He talked about #OscarsSoWhite … two months after the awards show, Payless shoes, bullying and how he just wants a chance to revolutionize the fashion industry.

Here, you read what he said:

“I remember going to school in fifth grade and wanting to have a cool outfit. I called the head of Payless and I said ‘I want to work with you, I want to take all this information that I’ve learned from sitting at all these fashion shows and knocking down all these doors and buying all these expensive clothes and I want to take away bullying’.  I always wore knock-off brands from the swap meet and many of my clothes came from Mervyn’s, but if I wore $300 sneakers and was driven to school by David Hasselhoff himself in KITT, the kids would still say to me, “Cool shoes and car…for a stupid faggot!”

Huh? What? Payless, The Hoff, Mervyn’s, faggot.

I wonder if his bodyguard from that earlier story actually got fired or if Kanye spoke like this to him and he just up and left because he didn’t know WTF Kanye was saying.