I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So, one of the big stories this week is that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are on a 22-day vegan diet.

I guess it’s a slow news day when the news is, “What are self-indulgent pop stars eating these days besides the souls of small children?”

But they are trying hard to go three weeks  without bacon, cheese and eggs, though their attempt at veganism didn’t bother Queen B when she stopped in for a vegan mean at  Native Foods wearing a fur coat.

Who else but Beyoncé would think it’s a good thing to cleanse yourself of animal byproducts by going vegan and then wear a dead animal on your back while doing so?

I’ll take “Out Of Touch” for $200 please, Alex.”

Lindsay Lohan is back, y’all.

Sure, she’s still filming that reality series docu-series for Mama Oprah, but she’s partying it up like she’s made of someone else’s money.

This week La Lohan is in Miami for the annual Art Basel festival and she’s all over town clubbing and partying and drinking “water” from a bottle. And she is also ALLEGEDLY ordering her crew to beat the crap out of Paris Hilton’s little brother Barron.

Lindsay, of course, is denying that she ordered the hit, but is said to be going to the mattresses just in case. And she claims she wasn’t even at the party where Barron got the beatdown even though video proves she was there. The video — available over at TMZ — shows Barron and his friends confronting Lohan right after the attack.

It all began when someone told someone who told someone who found Lindsay doing a line off a toilet in the guest bathroom … ALLEGEDLY … that Barron was talking smack about Lohan and she went all Don Corleone on his ass.

Barron told cops Lindsay approached him with a male friend and began screaming, “‘You talk sh*t about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get.” And the guy then started the Barron Beatdown. Lindsay then went back in “line” in the bathroom. 

Okay! ALLEGEDLY.

What isn’t ALLEGED though is the photo of Barron’s jacked up face on Instagram and the comment left by big sis Paris: “They both will pay for what they did. No one f—- with my family and gets away with it!!” 

Like I said, the partiers of Hollywood are choosing sides and going to the mattresses.

It’s over for Madonna and decades younger jailbait boyfriend, dancer Brahim Zaibat.

After being together for three years, since Brahim was twelve, the couple has ALLEGEDLY called it off because Madonna was furious that Brahim appeared on France’s version of Dancing With The Stars and got cozy with his partner Katriona Pachet and Madonna would not be embarrassed like that.

I mean, she's the one who embarrasses you, not t'other way round.

Or … maybe it had something to do with Madonna spending the Thanksgiving holiday in Haiti with her family and first ex-husband, the newly single Sean Penn.

I think I smell a Shanghai Surprise, Two for Madge and Sean.

So, Kim Kash Kow Kardashian decided to be philanthropic for a day and created an eBay clothing sale to help the victims of the recent typhoon in the Philippines, with a portion of the proceeds going to “International Medical Corps, a nonprofit organization that provides critical health services on remote islands where families are struggling to access medical care and basic resources like food, clean drinking water and vital medications.”

Wow, Kim. How nice of you to do tha — what?

Turns out, that “portion of the proceeds” — which in most cases is at least 50% if not more of the profits — is just 10% in Kim’s case; 90% of the profits goes into Kim’s big-assed bank account, probably stashed away for the time when she’ll be scaling down a wall at Kanye Penitentiary in the middle of the night with Baby Southwest on her hip.

But Kash Kow is defending herself against these vicious rumors and talk about how generous she is on a daily basis. She tried to claim that eBay fees took most of the money, though generally eBay charges just 3%; let's see ... three and ten is thirteen, so Kash Kow still has 87% unaccounted for in “profit.”

Kash Kow:

“I feel compelled to speak about something that is in my head and my heart.

….

The problem comes in when I get attacked for giving and trying to help people. My dad always taught me the importance of giving back. I don’t publicize everything I do to help charities and people all over the world. I do it because I want to.

….

So for people to attack me for giving 10% of my eBay auction sales to the people of the Philippines, that hurts.

….

In regards to these eBay auctions, when the eBay numbers get broken down, the auction management agency that posts for me gets a percentage for all of their hard work, then eBay listing fees, end of auction fees, eBay Store fees, Paypal fees, etc., all add up to about half of the sale. Then I give 10% to a charity.”

So 50% goes to fees, and 10% to charity and then 40% to Kash Kow.

No matter how she slices it, no matter how fuzzy her math, she’s ridiculous.

We haven’t heard too much from Miss Justine Bieber lately, except for Hookers in Rio and Fat Girls Down Under, but this story piqued my interest because, while even I think most of this gossip is just rumor and innuendo and made-up stuff, I truly belieber this story.

A new tale emerged this week that Miss Justine has a new pickup line for the ladies … and, no, it’s not, My driver will give you fifty bucks on the way out.

At a recent party at his home in Calabasas, Justin was heard walking up to random hookers and party girls, no doubt supplied by pimps and caterers, and asking if they wanted to get, ahem, Biebered.

Oh.Yes.He.Did.

And yet I can’t help but think if he asks a girl if she wants to get “Biebered” if he doesn’t mean carried around like a napping toddler by a burly bodyguard.

Biebered. 

I’m just gonna put this out there and let y’all think about it ….

Bruce Jenner is flattening his Adam’s Apple; no lie. He even spoke to TMZ about it, saying he initially went to the plastic surgeon because the carcinoma that was removed from his nose in September left a scar that didn’t heal well, and while he was there he talked to the surgeon about the Laryngeal Shave, which smoothes out the Adam’s Apple.

The procedure is typically done on patients who are in the first stage of gender reassignment, but Jenner says that isn’t the case with him, adding, “I just never liked my trachea.”

I just never liked me trachea?

Here’s the deal with Bruce. He’s had work done before that has definitely feminized his features and now he opting to have his Adam’s Apple shaved down. Is he taking those first steps toward gender reassignment? I dunno, but if he is I wish he’d speak up about it because he could certainly help a lot of people who are struggling with their gender identity.

That’s all.