Sunday, May 17, 2020
The Funny Papers
Saturday, May 16, 2020
I Ain't One To Gossip But ...
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Y’all know that the talk show hosts have been doing their shows from home these days, right? Well, one talk show host, the chic and stunning and impeccably mannered Wendy Williams is pissed at all of them.
In a recent interview with CNN—sinking low—Wendy shared some of her deepest nonsensical thoughts about how she’s managing to cope so beautifully as a remote entertainer … which is odd given she’s not even remotely entertaining. Still, Wendy had some doubts about doing her
“Looking disgusting. I’m just saying.”
Wendy goes one step further by saying she’s better at this ‘from home’ stuff because she spent years on the radio; now, to be fair, she has a face made for radio.
“If it wasn’t for radio, I could not do this quarantine thing from home properly. I’ve so enjoyed this 11, going on 12, years of doing the talk show with the studio and hundreds of people and clapping…”
Hundreds of people? Counting is hard.
“I’ve so enjoyed that, but it is much easier for me as a host to be here at home, with no audience, because it’s always been about description. You know, I’ve been a radio host longer than I’ve been a TV host, so yes, right. Thank God for radio.”
Yes, because the less people see you, the better. Now, here’s another thought, trying doing a Silent Movie style radio show. I think that works for all of us. I’m just saying.
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It’s a One-Percent world and the rest of us are just trying to hang on.
David and Victoria Beckham are ALLEGEDLY worth $500 million dollars, but even the wealthiest of us need government assistance … right before we spend $20 million on a luxury Miami penthouse.
It seems that millionaire fashion “designer” Victoria Beckham asked for a British government handout during the pandemic to help furlough the employees of her fashion brand, and then plunked down $20 million on a new home.
Yup, Victoria’s fashion brand took $185,000 in government assistance over the span of two months to assist in paying her employees while she then wrote a check for $20 million. Like I said, it’s a One-Percent world. Still, to be fair, when word broke that Vicki went on the dole and then bought a penthouse, she declared she’d stop taking government assistance.
How big of her.
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Speaking of self-entitled media whores … Khloe Kardastrophe.
Despite the fact that toilet paper is one of the most scarce commodities in the pandemic, Khloe-Seeking-Attention, and her nephew Mason Disick, decided to TP Kourtney Kardastrophe’s house and then filmed it and put it all over social media because, again, it’s a One Percent world—though in this case I mean people whose brains only fire 1% of the time.
Here are some people responding to the stupidity that is all things Kardastrophe:
“Not that you care, @khloekardashian & @kourtneykardash, but my family had to use McDonald’s napkins for toilet paper last month. Congrats on being worthy of so much more than the rest of us that you didn’t think twice before posting your TP ‘prank’” “khloe kardashian deciding to teepee kourtneys house with rolls of toilet paper just shows obnoxious & selfish rich people are even during a pandemic” “Stores are limiting 1 pack of toilet paper per customer (when there’s any in stock). Meanwhile Khloe Kardashian is TPing her sister’s mansion”
Talk about self-entitled media whores out of touch. Better yet, don’t.
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As you all definitely know, presidential candidate Joe Biden has been accused of sexual assault by former Senate aide Tara Reade and, while some people get Tara Reade-with-an-E-at -the-end confused with aging starlet, former bad girl—pre-Lohan—and Shaknado “star” Tara Reid, Tara-no-E-at-the-end is out to capitalize on it.
Yes, capitalize on a sexual assault allegation.
Tara Reid is suing this mess to do speaking engagements, according to literary … did I spell that right … i-l-l-i-t-e-r-a-t-e … yes, talent manager, Philippe Ashfield:
“Tara Reid is set for motivational speaking on female empowerment and equal pay for women in Hollywood, after all she has been judged for being beautiful, blonde and female for many years before the #MeToo movement happened… Tara is set to make a major comeback in the next 12 months.”
Um, Tara Reid has been judged mostly for being an out-of-control wannabe and has-been who spent more time in the gutter than anyone—except Lohan—and whose biggest claim to fame is the time the straps on her slip dress slid off on a red carper, exposing her much-siliconed breast to the elements and she had no idea because … silicone.
Like that’s a TED talk I need.
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We all know that in recent months Ellen DeGeneres has been dragged across social media for claiming that isolating in any one of her mansions was like being in jail and for perhaps not being near as nice as she claims and screwing her TV crew and staff during the quarantine, leaving them unpaid and uncertain if they’d have a job when this is over.
Well, foot stomp, head snap, Ellen does not like the criticism. A source—possibly Portia—says:
“Ellen is at the end of her rope. She thought this was all just sour grapes from a few haters. But it’s not a passing thing—the hits just keep coming.”
Look, I like Ellen, but she has shown herself to be out-of-touch and a bit self-entitled and a tad bit greedy these last few months. And while her quarantine shows are performing well in the ratings, I think she’ll be doing damage control for some time.
Like, perhaps, starting with an apology …?
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I’m sorry, I know they’re both adults, but that photo is all kinds of creepy. That troll doll on the right is 33-year-old …who seriously looks older … Mary-Kate Olsen, and the old guy is her, she hopes, soon-to-be ex-husband Olivier Sarkozy.
The lovebirds separated recently, and MKO—it’s too much to write her full name—wanted an emergency divorce filing granted after Olivier terminated the lease on their Gramercy Park apartment because she felt forced out with nowhere to go.
Sidenote: there are tons of bridges in New York were trolls can live.
But this darn virus has ruined MKO’s plans because her emergency order request has been deemed “not essential” and with the courts in NYC closed, well, let’s just say the bridges are looking like a nice alternative.
MKO’s demand was rejected last month by Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Michael Katz because the “essential matter procedure” was not followed. Oops, a One-Percenter didn’t follow the rules? The only odd thing about that is that the One-Percenter was then treated like an everyday normal person.
But here’s what gets me … MKO wants the emergency filing because Olivier sold their apartment and she has nowhere to live and nowhere to put her things.
Seriously, a rich troll can’t get a U Haul and some POD storage lockers?
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Friday, May 15, 2020
I Didn't Say It ...
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Trevor Noah, The Daily Show, mocking _____’s ‘Obamagate’ lie in which he accuses a real president of a crime but won’t say what that crime is:
“That’s just weird. According to _____, Obama committed the worst political crime in American history. But _____ won’t tell us what the crime is because it’s so obvious that you don’t even need to ask. Even though, everyone needs to ask. _____ is treating Obama less like a criminal, and more like they’re in a relationship and _____ feels like Obama messed up … [imitating _____] … ‘If you don’t know what you did wrong, well I’m not gonna tell you … My friends were right about you, never date a Leo!’”
That’s the _____ MO; put out a lie and tell people he knows, but he’s not gonna tell you.
Less presidential and more fourth grade bully.
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Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, criticizing former President Barack Obama for his criticism of _____:
“I think it’s a little bit classless, frankly, to critique an administration that comes after you. You had your shot, you were there for eight years. I think the tradition that the Bush [presidents] set up—of not critiquing the president who comes after you—is a good tradition.”
Ironic that a man who proposed sending no financial aid, or medical supplies to Blue States is calling anyone else classless.
Obama called _____’s response to the coronavirus “an absolute chaotic disaster” ,,, which it was and is … and expressed concern about Billy Barr and The DOJ’s decision to drop charges against former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, saying it was a move that puts our “basic understanding of rule of law…at risk.”
Take a gander in the mirror, Bitch McConnell; that’s what classless looks like.
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Michael Steele, former Republican National Committee Chair, ripped Bitch McConnell for saying Obama “should have kept his mouth shut” instead of criticizing _____ in a private call:
“I’m sure Mitch is aware that a grown ass black man who happens to be a former president has agency to speak his mind on how his successor is managing this crisis, especially since his successor has yet to keep ‘his mouth shut’ about him. And ‘classless’?”
Mitch is a pandering goose-stepping party over country fuck America lowlife.
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Bryan Adams, Canadian rocker, putting forth the China Virus lie of social media, as part of a caption to his song “Cuts Like A Knife”:
“Tonight was supposed to be the beginning of a tenancy of gigs at the [Royal Albert Hall], but thanks to some f**king bat eating, wet market animal selling, virus making greedy bastards, the whole world is now on hold, not to mention the thousands that have suffered or died from this virus. My message to them other than ‘thanks a f**king lot’ is go vegan. To all the people missing out on our shows, I wish I could be there more than you know. It’s been great hanging out in isolation with my children and family, but I miss my other family, my band, my crew and my fans. Take care of yourselves and hope we can get the show on the road again soon. I’ll be performing a snippet from each album we were supposed to perform for the next few days.”
Fuck off, you racist hack. You’re pissy because you aren’t making coins, and clearly your bank account is more important than human lives …as it is with racists.
Adams, when Twitter dragged him for being a racist asshat, apologoized, saying:
“Apologies to any and all that took offence to my posting yesterday. No excuse, I just wanted to have a rant about the horrible animal cruelty in these wet-markets being the possible source of the virus, and promote veganism.”
Um, Bryan, you can do that without the racism.
Just sayin’.
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Peter Navarro, White House trade adviser, ridiculing the media’s coverage of the staggering 14.7% unemployment rate caused by the COVID-19 pandemic:
“That was a pity party yesterday on the Sunday shows. This is not the Great Depression. Anybody who thinks this is the Great Depression doesn’t understand either history or economics. [_____] built the strongest and most beautiful economy before the virus took hold.”
I guess 33 million people out of work is a pity party for a fucking one-percenter.
And Peter, it matters not what ____ did before the virus—and let’s be clear, he inherited a good economy—it matters what he’s done since…and that’s the fuck up, asshat.
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Rand Paul, going after Anthony Fauci at this week’s all-GOP Senate hearing on the coronavirus crisis.
“Shouldn’t we be at least be discussing what the mortality of children is? … It’s not going to be zero but it almost approaches zero. Between [the ages of] 18 and 45, the mortality was 10 out of 100,000. … I hope that people who are predicting doom and gloom [about opening up various economies around the nation] will admit that they were wrong if there isn’t a surge because I think that’s what’s going to happen. As much as I respect you, I don’t think you’re the ‘end all,’ I don’t think you’re the one person that gets to make a decision. We can listen to your advice but there are people on the other side saying ‘there’s not going to be a surge.'”
Ah, yes, it’s true, there are people on the other side who say there isn’t going to be a surge, but they are doctors or scientists or medical professionals, they’re all GOP asshat who want to economy to return so their traitorous inept racist rapist leader can win an election.
Who cares if children die as long as ____ gets a second term.
PS Lockdown hasn’t been good to Rand; he looks like the Unabomber.
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Dr. Anthony Fauci, replying to Rand Paul:
“First of all, I have never made myself out to be the ‘end all’ and the only voice of this. I am a scientist, a physician, and a public health official. I give advice according to the best scientific evidence. … You use the word ‘we should be humble about what we don’t know.’ We don’t know everything about this virus, and we really better be very careful, particularly when it comes to children. Because the more and more we learn, we’re seeing things about what this virus can do that we didn’t see from the studies in China or in Europe. For example, right now, children presenting with COVID-19 who actually have a very strange inflammatory syndrome, very similar to Kawasaki syndrome. I think we better be careful, that we are not cavalier in thinking that children are completely immune to the deleterious effects.”
Huh. He sounds like he knows what he’s talking about while all Rand Paul can do is stomp his feet and whine about dead children not being that big a deal.
Who do you choose to believe? The man who wants to stop this mess, or the man who doesn’t really care if children get sick and die as long as the nail salons open.
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Thursday, May 14, 2020
Bobservations
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Okay, Carlos. He gets enraged, well, not enraged, but perhaps overly peeved, at the toilet paper commercial with the Baby Bear picking up his underwear off the bathroom floor.
Why? Well, cuz Mama and daddy and Baby Bears are all in the bathroom and none of them are wearing clothes so why the underwear question, and why do bears sell toilet paper.
I reminded him that geckos sell insurance, turkeys sell nicotine patches, and camel is telling us it’s Hump Day. He said:
“But bears? Underwear? NONE OF THEM ARE WEARING CLOTHES!!!”
I think the lockdown got to him.
PS The best part of working again yesterday was when the phone rang in the afternoon and it was Karen. And she asked what we were all doing, and I explained what was being done and she asked who had shown up; I said:
“Well, everyone’s here.”
Except you.
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I have offered up Tuxedo's services to local agencies as the spokes-cat for the lockdown. So far no takers.
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I guess it’s good that GOP Senator Kelly Loeffler sold off all her department store stocks and bought medical supply sticks as soon as she learned about COVID-19—and made millions of dollars doing so—because Loeffler has already loaned $10 million to her own campaign and has pledged to spend more.
And, as of now it looks like she’ll lose…millions and her Senate seat.
Sorry, not sorry.
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All those people who don’t wear masks and are shouting from the rooftops that God will protect are the same people who need a gun to protect themselves.
God can stop a virus, not a bullet.
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_____ has complained to advisers about the way coronavirus deaths are being calculated, suggesting the real numbers are actually lower, and his minions feel the same because they are knuckle-dragging, goose-stepping, sycophants, and have advised him to begin publicly questioning the death toll.
Now, there is no evidence the death rate has been exaggerated, and experts believe coronavirus deaths in the US are being undercounted, not over-counted, but let’s play Devil’s Advocate …
As I write this there have been 81,000+ deaths in America. Let’s say 20% of those are not virus-related, that’s 16,000. That leaves us with 65,000 deaths.
Oh, yeah, that’s must better. Only 65,000 Americans died in 10 weeks. [sarcasm font]
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Remember “Click it or Ticket?” Morons hated seatbelts but they saved lives. Maybe we should try … “Mask it or casket.”
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More from the Liar-In-Thief … _____ claimed at a press briefing Monday that any American who “wants” a coronavirus test can get one.
Odd then, that just moments before that lie, _____’s own testing coordinator, Brett Giroir, said that tests are mostly reserved for people who “need” one because they present symptoms or are participating in contact tracing.
Liars gonna lie.
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I hope this isn’t it’s ‘jump the shark’ moment, but Ryan Murphy’s American Horror Story franchise is expanding with a new anthology series spinoff, American Horror Stories … plural; see the difference?
Sources have described the new project as a companion anthology series to AHS, except, unlike AHS, each episode is a standalone ghost story.
I’m ready …
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Rick Bright, the former director of the Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority [BARDA] who alleged in a whistleblower complaint that he was ousted from his position after resisting the _____ administration’s efforts to allow widespread use of hydrooxychloroquine, plans to testify before Congress that way back in January his advice to ramp up production of respirators and medical supplies was ignored.
Another glaring example of the _____ failure to protect people.
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So, we’re big Judy Dench fans in this house so last week we watched the true story of Red Joan, a spy for Russia during the last years of WWII. Joan stole information on nuclear weapons and have it to the Russians to, as she claimed, “level the playing field” so that no one nation had all that power.
Good story, but better was Tom Hughes, left, as her college lover who turned her into a spy, and then silver fox Ben Miles, center, as the older Joan’s son, Nick.
Also, this weekend, we caught another episode of Penny Dreadful: City of Angels and were treated to the sultry, spicy dance moves and ambiguous sexuality of Fly Rico, as played by Sebastian Chacon, right. Muy caliente!
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Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Architecture Wednesday: Twin Peak View House
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In the time of a pandemic, I really would like to get away …far away.
New Zealand would work; this house, on Lake Wakatipu, with stunning views, near Queenstown, would do the trick.
It’s all views in the house. At least from the public spaces, while the private spaces are set back into the site. The downside is the house may be too large for a couple of queens and their four furry kids, at nearly 12,000 square feet, but when the pandemic is over and the parties start …this is the place,
There are four ‘master’ bedrooms, four-and-a-half bathrooms, an office, games room, industrial styled bar, cinema, wellness area, and a five-car garage, games room, industrial styled bar, cinema, and wellness area; literally something for everyone.
I’ll be in the wine room.
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It's That Time ...
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Well, I am back to work today, for at least a few hours each week. I’ve been doing some things from home, but there are things that cannot be accomplished that way, and clients who need to be updated on what’s happening an, just stuff that has to be done in-house; not my house, that house.
They are slowly opening things up here in Smallville, and we—even while being the epicenter of COVID-19 back in early March when the first South Carolina case appeared here—have flattened our curve. So, we reopen some things, slowly, still with precautions and masks and social distancing in place.
This won't be a daily thing, but it'll be done just to keep us up on what's happening, what needs to be done as we get into Summer and Fall, and how we're gonna continue to work during this mess.
One upside? My racist co-worker ... whose name, ironically, is Karen ... and who has been posting conspiracy theories all over Facebook about the death numbers being exaggerated and the virus being created in a lab in China and _____being the greatest leader of all time, has chosen not to leave her home. That’s right, this is all a lie, but she’s not leaving her house.
Hypocrite racist, say what?
Anyhoo, I’m off for a few hours to see what can be done, make a few calls blibbety blah blay blue work.
Take care. Stay safe.
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Tuesday, May 12, 2020
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