Why Is It ...

… that I suddenly woke up one day to realize that I know more medications on The Pitt than I do musical guests on SNL.

… that I cannot stop myself when I speak. I was in court once and the judge told me I had to tell the truth, and then started to ask, “Do you swear …” and I replied, “Every day, motherfucker” and suddenly I was in a cell for something called 'contempt'.

… that people say skydiving is scary but I say “What about being at a friend of a friends house and you use the bathroom and the toilet won’t flush? Terrifying.

… that while seeing my therapist he suggested I stop doing weird things, so I told him I went to the park that day; he asked if I’d gotten anything out of it, and I opened my coat and said, “I got this duck.”

… that my friends don’t realize that when I say, “I might join you later,” I mean, “You have a better chance seeing Tupac riding a unicorn than you have of seeing me later.”

… that being an adult ruins weekends … on Friday I’m exhausted after work, and on Saturdays I want to chill but there are errands and chores to be done, while on Sundays I’m pissed off because it’s basically Monday again.

… that when a form asks who to call in case of an emergency I always write “Ambulance” because no one in my family is answering an unknown number.

… that when a friend asked if I wanted to go out on Friday I said I would but I already have my jammies on and everything, and then he said, “But it’s only Tuesday,” to which I replied, “I said what I said.”

… that while at a friends house I remarked that the candles smell like Fireball, and the hostess said, “For those of us who aren’t heavy drinkers, Bob, that scent is cinnamon.”

… that people realize that, while at times they can take me down, I will rise again, like a phoenix, that tripped over an extension cord, hurt my shoulder and then awkwardly stood up.