Why Is It ...

… that I often warn people by saying, ‘Welcome to my mind. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. Do not feed the animals, drink the water, or talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride!’

… that I just dunked a cookie into a glass of milk, waited for the bubbles to stop, and thought of you.

… that people never learn the most important tip for talking to me: Don’t.

… that it’s apparently rude to thump someone in the forehead and shout ‘Skip intro’ when they start talking to you.

… that when something says ‘Don’t start it always gives me a thrill and makes me want to start.

… that at a bar the other night I asked for a vodka and the bartender said ‘This is McDonalds’ and then looked at me like I’m crazy when I said, ‘Okay, gimme a McVodka.’

… that someone asks if I want to slip into something more comfortable I will get in my car and leave.

… that I just found out that it’s a ‘thing’ to throw the ball into the crowd after you win the game, but not in bowling … never in bowling.

… that you could really cry me a river and I’d just jump in a boat and row away from you.

… that being naturally funny is annoying  because most of the time I’m just minding my own business and people are over there laughing like I’m doing stand-up.