I Didn't Say It ...

Michelle Obama, former fabulous First Lady, comparing the former president to the current one:

"I always sort of felt like the eight years that Barack was president, it was sort of like having the good parent at home. You know, the responsible parent, the one who told you to eat your carrots and go to bed on time. And now perhaps we have the other parent in the house," she said. People thought it would be "fun" to have Trump in charge, she said, "because we can eat candy all day and stay up late and not follow the rules." 

Sadly, it’s more dangerous than that.

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David Berry, actor who plays Lord John, a gay man on Outlander, on acting attracted to Sam Heughan’s Jamie:

“I don’t think you need much direction to look at Sam longingly. [Laughs] He’s a beautiful man. I can say that as a straight man… I imagine John with a sense of desire, but also in a sense of longing for love, and I think that’s what really connects people. When you see it it’s a longing for love and that’s someone you can universally empathize with, and that’s what I like about the character, so that doesn’t really take a lot of direction it just takes a lot of trying to get inside the thoughts and things of a character like John. I think we can all relate to that.”

True; it’s love that we all want, and everyone should be able to relate to that.

And I’d have no trouble at all looking longingly at David Berry.

Just sayin’.

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Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, the drag queen whose exit from RuPaul’s Drag Race turned into a meme, on why she kept saying her name as she backed off the runway:

“Hell no, there was no f**king meaning. When I tell you I was at the end of the runway and I was thinking … well first of all, I didn’t anticipate getting kicked off first, so I didn’t plan my exit, I didn’t plan what to say, I didn’t plan what to write on the mirror with the lipstick message. I didn’t plan any of that. So literally when I got there, I turned around and saw RuPaul and saw Christina [Aguilera] and saw everyone was looking just at the judges, I decided to give them my name, and I said “F**k it. Might as well have these bitches remember me.” So I just started screaming at the top of my lungs “Miss Vanjie,” over and over. And I was depressed as hell, so that’s why I was looking so damn sad!”

I imagine it’s sad to be the first one sent home, but the funny part is that now the remaining queens stand in the workroom and repeat over and over, “Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie.”

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John Boehner, on joining the board of marijuana growing firm: 

“I’m joining the board of #AcreageHoldings because my thinking on cannabis has evolved,. I’m convinced de-scheduling the drug is needed so we can do research, help our veterans, and reverse the opioid epidemic ravaging our communities.”

And they’re paying me buttloads of cash. I mean, he’s a Republican and his evolution is clearly cash based.

I’m a cynic; deal.

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Seth Meyers, on the detail that wasn’t revealed in that 60 Minutes interview with Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti … i.e. the fact that Stormy could describe _____’s dick in detail:

“Great detail? I think you mean horrific detail. I don’t want to think about Donald _____’s penis because if I do, something tells me I’ll never be able to eat hot fries ever again.” Also, she can describe it in great detail? You know what that means? They did it with the lights on.”

The best description is that of a wee Cheeto lying on a Brillo pad.

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Ronan Farrow, journalist, coming out as bisexual at an event for the Point Foundation, where he was honored with the Courage Award:

“Being a part of the LGBT community—which recognized that reporting I was doing early on and elevated it, and has been such a stalwart source of support through the sexual assault reporting I did involving survivors who felt equally invisible—that has been an incredible source of strength for me. LGBT people are some of the bravest and most potent change agents and leaders I have encountered, and the most forceful defenders of the vulnerable and voiceless, because they know what it’s like to be there.”

Welcome out, Ronan, and, of course, please accept as our gift the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven and a copy of The Gay Agenda.

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Dino Sajudin, former _____ World Tower doorman, on another sex scandal plaguing the Fat Bastard:

“Today I awoke to learn that a confidential agreement I had with AMI [The National Enquirer] with regard to a story about President _____ had been leaked to the press. I can confirm that while working at _____ World Tower, I was instructed not to criticize President _____’s former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with President _____ which produced a child.”

Knocking up the housekeeper? Who is he? Schwarzenegger?

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