It's Snarkurday!

I love romance; that first glimpse; the first time you speak; that first date; that first kiss, the first “time” and the first private detective you hire to follow your lover.

Oh, that’s not me, it’s, as Carlos calls her, Jell-O, or JLo.

Last month, JLo’s relationship with A-Rod was hit hard when The National Enquirer claimed that he was cheating on her with a fitness model. And that’s when JLo hired a private detective to get to the bottom of it and because, as a source says, she’s “really into him.”

Trouble is, A-Rod found out and, yeah, he’s not happy; the couple had a huge fight, though they’re trying to mend their relationship for the public.

Still, how did A-Rod find out? Was it that he saw a big Bloodhound wearing Sherlock’s hat and looking at him through a magnifying glass that gave it away? I mean, maybe JLo went on the cheap for her PI; and you’d think after Casper she’d know better than that.

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Well, they say that everything you put out on social media stays out there, even if you try and delete it.

The same can be said for actual handwritten letters, like the one Madonna wrote years back to a friend—named ‘J’—where she bashed Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone as “horribly mediocre.”

And believe you me, Madonna knows all about horribly mediocre ... she’s made a career of it. But, back to the letter ... which says:

“It’s so unequivocally frustrating to read that Whitney Houston has the music career I wish I had and Sharon Stone has the film career I’ll never have. Not because I want to be these women — because I’d rather die, but they’re so horribly mediocre and they’re always being held up as paragons of virtue [or] some sort of measuring stick to humiliate me.”

She wanted Whitney’s drug habit and Stone’s vagina on movie screens? What then?

The letter is up for auction and might fetch as much as $5,000.

Seriously. 5K to read a letter proving Madonna’s an insecure idiot? There, I gave it to you for free!

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The “fashion” label for Kendall and Kylie Jenner—the youngest idiots in that family—announced that it has sold just two of the “vintage” T-shirts with late rapper Tupac Shakur‘s image on them before pulling them from stores.

The Kendall + Kylie brand released that statement because they’re being sued for copyright infringement by Michael Miller, a commercial photographer who shot the image of Tupac that the Jenner Morons stole.

How lovely to hear them admit that they sold just two shirts after splashing themselves all over social media in them.

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So, are Jay-Z and Yeezy beefin’? Does anybody really care? Well, if you do, here’s this:

It’s no secret to anyone who does care that Jay and Kanye have been on the outs for a while ... like right after Kanye took up with porn star Kim Kardastrophe.

See, Jay and Bey don’t like Kim—which is the only thing I like about Jay and Bey. Now, they don’t hate her, they just don’t want her anywhere near them. So, while some folks are saying the Jay-Z-Yeezy beef is about Tidal, or a loan from one to the other, can sit down; it’s Kim.

Jay-Z is still so pissed about fighting with Kanye West that he addressed it on the opening track of his new album “4:44” ... some nine months after West ranted about Jay-Z and wife Beyoncé onstage before checking himself into the hospital for “crazy.

It appears Kanye’s rant was really about Kim and Beyoncé not being friends and Kanye being upset about that. He feels that since he and Jay-Z do business together why shouldn’t their wives be friends?

Now, folks say that this, too, shall pass ... but don’t hold your breath for Kim and Beyoncé to do lunch or anything.

Unless they can Tweet it, Instagram it, Snapchat it, and get more likes than the other one.

It’s about tacky reality star versus media hungry hair whipper and lip sync’er ... it’s about crazy rapper and cheating rapper.

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Never ask Shia LaBeouf to hold your beer for you because he can’t even hold his own liquor.

See what I did there?

Okay ... Shia’s currently filming The Peanut Butter Falcon in Savannah, Georgia, where he was taken into custody at 4 AM last Saturday morning for disorderly conduct, obstruction and public drunkenness.

Trifecta!

Shia posted bond, which was $3,5000, and is already back in the bars but let’s read what he said to police officers who tried to arrest him that night:

“Take these cuffs off. I’m a f**king American, I pay my taxes. Get these sh*ts off my f**king arms … You’re going to put these sh*ts off my arms or you’ll be f**king f**ked.”

Shia began an Apology Tour, not after the arrest, but after video of his drunken, profanity-laced arrest hit the Internet. And I doubt that will be the last time that happens.

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Ben Affleck has a new girlfriend, SNL producer Lindsay Shookus ... or does he?

Is she that new? Maybe not, because it appears that Ben and Lindsay ... Bindsey? Afflookus? ... have ALLEGEDLY been boning while he was dating, and married, to Jennifer Garner ... and while Shookus was married to fellow SNL producer Kevin Miller.

Yummy. The STD Pool is open!

Sources say Ben and Lindsay have known each other for a while and in 2013, they got into some double home wrecking messiness when they started banging each other in NYC hotel rooms, or sexting each other constantly.

Sources—and it’s likely to be Garner—say both Jennifer and Kevin found out about the affair in 2015 and were both “devastated.” That was the same year Ben and Jennifer, Lindsay and Kevin, “officially” broke up.

And here we all thought his jump-off was The Nanny.

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A month ago, an extremely awkward and random celebrity interaction happened after Kesha tried to hug Jerry Seinfeld and he ran away in disgust. We’ve heard Jerry’s side of things ... he had no idea what a Kesha was and why she was coming for him ... and now it’s Kasha’s turn to, well, whine, saying she was “a little hug traumatized” by Seinfeld:

“I felt like I was five years old. I instantly was like, ‘Oh, fuck me.’ And I like somehow ended up in my very own episode, mini episode of Seinfeld for like five seconds. ... That’s fine. But I just was like, as soon as he didn’t hug me, I was like, ‘Oh, this is gonna be everywhere.’ I should have known better. I’ve seen the hugging episode. That was my fault.”

Kesha now claims Jerry’s hug refusal has nearly cost her the ability to hug at all until she played a festival with Bob Dylan, who gave her “the most wonderful, healing Bob Dylan hug.”

Thank god for that because I was about to start a GoFundMe page so Kesha could fight her Hug Disorder.

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So, now that Jennifer Garner is spilling the tea ... ALLEGEDLY ... about Ben Affleck’s year’s long infidelity with SNL producer Lindsay Shookus, we are hearing more about how she’ll handle the next ex-Missus Affleck.

Jennifer has gone into “mama bear mode” since Ben brought Lindsay into the light. In fact, she’s been Mama Bear since 2015, when she first learned of their affair and tracked Lindsay down in New York and confronted her. No one is saying what happened during the confrontation, except that Lindsay refused to quit Ben.

So Garner did the next best thing ... she tracked down Lindsay’s ex-husband Kevin Miller after appearing on an episode of Late Night with Seth Meyers where Kevin is a producer. And even though Kevin and Lindsay were through by then, Garner showed him a string of set messages from his ex to her ex.

Next up, Jennifer may place a call to her good friends at Capital One and have a certain someone’s new side-piece’s credit cards cancelled.

That’s what I would do.

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