The Funny Papers

Drew Sheneman, Gary Varvel, Bill Day, Darrin Bell, RJ Matson, David Ftizsimmons, David Horsey, Walt Handelsman, Steve Sack, Clay Bennett

It's Snarkurday!

Lindsay Lohan is trying for a comeback … oh, no, not as an actress … that would be comical … but as a media whoring sensation.

In the space of a week Lohan has called her fiancé out for cheating on her with a Russian hooker in a social media meltdown … begged him to come home … accused him of assault … claimed she’s pregnant … and broken their engagement.

The Cracktress started off by posting a Snapchat video captioned:

“ET phone home.”

In the video, she begs Egor Tarabasov — get it … ET? — to come home because she’s hydrated. Huh?

“My fiancé’s being really angry at me, but I’m drinking water to get him to come home. Honey, come home, please.”

Lindsay is famous for carrying vodka in “water” bottles so maybe drinking “water” wasn’t a good idea.

The next morning, and still no ET, Lohan skipped over to Instagram to post a photo of the two of them with Egor’s face scribbled out  … and monkey emojis, something about “art” — is that her dealer, Art? — and a Cher lyric:

“He wore black and I wore white…. I guess #art is whatever you make of it.”

And then we get to the good stuff:

“I guess I was the same at 23 … Shitty time — it changes at 26/27 @e2505t thanks for not coming home tonight. Fame changes people”

I’m not sure what changed for Lohan at “26/27” … jail? But now she’s thirty and thirsty and still as Looney as ever because she started naming names:

“Wow thanks #fiance with Russian hooker @dasha_pa5h”

@dasha_pa5h is the Instagram handle for Dasha Pashevkina an account that is now closed once Lohan dragged it into the light. And then she went on:

“It’s legal if you’re selling yourself and not a Russian from #moscow right my baby @e2505t”

Lohan tagged that post with Vladimir Putin and Donald [t]Rump … wait, what … is she blaming them for the Russian hooker?

Whatever … Lohan then Instagrammed a video of Egor hanging out at a club talking to a bunch of guys with this caption:

“Home? First time in my life — bare [sic] with me/ he cheated on me with hooker #meangirls #meanboysub.”

Lohan was almost done … just one more photo of Egor accompanied by a caption written in her native tongue … DrunkAsASkunk;

“You’re suits are As only as myself, Roman and and tags ahi. Wiggins v”

Yeah. Lesson learned: stay in school. Lindsay then departed Instagram and hurried over to the Twitter where she posted a link to a still photo of her pregnant from her 2009’s Labor Pains and announced her pregnancy.

“lindsay lohan labour pains trailer - I am pregnant!!”

Wow, so she’s clearly drunk, or incapable of stringing together even a basic sentence, and engaged to a Russian millionaire who, she says, would rather pay Russian hookers for handies than be at home with his “pregnant”, out of work, obviously intoxicated fiancée?

Yup, Lohan’s back and the Crazy Train is up and running. After her whirlwind Crazy Tour of social media Lohan leaked the stories to real media outlets — think TMZ — about what was happening, you know, in case they cared:

“Egor finally came home, and they got into a fight, and then he left again. Lindsay was trying to track him down but Egor was gone again … until he wasn’t.”

The Sun released a video of Lindsay screaming and crying for help on her balcony, begging neighbors to help her after Egor ALLEGEDLY strangled her and attacked her.

Uh huh. But when police arrived and broke down the door Lindsay was nowhere to be found. No Lohan; no Egor; just a computer opened to Snapchat, Instagram and Twitter.

When Lindsay finally did resurface, she begged us all to give her some privacy:

“I would appreciate if these speculations regarding my personal life would respectfully come to a halt. Unfortunately, a private matter has become more public than I can control and I would be extremely grateful if my fiancé and myself could discuss our personal matters on our own. There are more important things going on in the world than our relationship. Please leave us be to solve our personal matters.”

Wait, we all need to stop talking about a story Lindsay Lohan posted about herself on every single social media platform she could find and then leaked to the press?

Sheesh, I bet she even took it to MySpace she’s so desperate for the attention. But then, you know, to keep it all private and keep the prying eyes away, Lohan was seen on a flight out of London after her people issued a new statement:

“Lindsay believes Egor has anger-management issues and she would like him to go to therapy. They both want to work things out… I cannot confirm her pregnancy.”

So, she played out the whole mess, got the police involved, demanded privacy, flew the coop, and then had her people tell more of the story? That’s our Lohan!

And because it’s Lohan she also appeared again on Instagram to talk about all her troubles and woes … the ones she says are none of our business:

“Dear friends. I’m good and well. #ATM I am taking time for myself with good friends. I am sorry that I’ve exposed certain private matters recently. I was acting out of fear and sadness… We all make mistakes. Sadly mine have always been so public. I have done a lot of soul searching in the past years, and I should have been more clear minded rather than distract from the good heart that I have. Social media comes with the territory of the business and the world we now live in. My intentions were not meant to send mixed messages. Maybe things can be fixed… Maybe not.. I hope they can. But I am 30 years old and I do deserve a #GENTLEgiant Life is about love and light. Not anger… Thank you to those who stand by my side”

Good lord. She says she makes mistakes but earlier didn’t she say that was how you acted in your 20s? And she’s 30 now and still pulling the same “Look At Me” shiz?

As for Egor, he stayed in London to move his stuff out of their apartment — probably one he paid for — and appears to be done with crazy.

Except now Lohan and her people, are saying Egor took some of her stuff and she’s scheduled an appearance on Judge Judy to get it back.

Oh, and because she’s nuts, Lindsay is now claiming she broke up with Egor … after he didn’t come home from a  night out with a Russian hooker. Yeah, I think getting a hand-job from a Russian hooker already means you've broken up, hon.

Now Lohan is said to be drowning her sorrows in cigarettes and booze aboard what is most likely her next boyfriend’s yacht because that’s what heartbroken pregnant women do … hook-up for a vacation and drink and smoke.

Lesson to be learned: licking a doughnut gets you uninvited to be anywhere near President Obama.

Remember when Little Pop Tartlet™ Ariana Grande licked all those doughnuts while telling everyone … “I hate Americans. I Hate America”?

Well, Ariana was in consideration to perform at an unnamed White House “gala” for President Obama but was to be vetted before they let her shake her ass for POTUS.

A Deputy Compliance Director wrote the official report:

“Ariana Butera. Video caught her licking other peoples’ donuts while saying she hates America; Republican Congressman used this video and said it was a double standard that liberals were not upset with her like they are with Trump who criticized Mexicans; cursed out a person on Twitter after that person used an offensive word towards her brother,”

Ouch. But the best part is that we now know her real name is  Ariana Grande-Butera. Big Butter?

Moments after the Deputy Compliance Director issued his report, a guy by the name of — and this is serious — Bobby Schmuck vetoed Big Butter’s appearance by simple saying:

“Nope, sorry.”

And Schmuck was right; imagine Ariana at the buffet table running her mouth, and her tongue, all over the Presidential Pastries.

Nope.Sorry.

Oh Gwynnie … where would we be without you?

While blowing her own horn … yoga made her that limber … in an interview with The Cut, Gwyneth Paltrow says she made yoga cool:

“I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all. I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [waves her hands in a huge gesture to emphasize her giant ego]”

So, in 1996 — twenty years ago — Goopy started off this whole yoga thing?

Someone better tell her to watch her back, and to watch that 1993 video of Jane Fonda doing yoga three years before Goop brought it to the world.

Over there on Bravo a catfight is brewing between a couple of Real Housewives … Real Housewife of Orange County, Heather Dubrow, and Real Housewife of Flipping Out Jeff Lewis.

The two apparently have Paltrow-sized egos so of course they hate each other and began arguing over who is more rude and obnoxious.

A coin flip couldn’t decide this one. It all began when Jeff appeared on Andy Cohen’s “show” when Andy asked Jeff to name his least favorite Housewife:

“Andy Cohen knew that I didn’t love her… and I was just answering the question. I mean, I don’t hate her; I don’t think about her…”

And yet he answered the question, and now says he has no idea why she doesn’t like him?

Two words: third grade. You say you don’t like someone, they say they don’t like you. Simple. Childish.

“I’ve been racking my brain, like, what could make her so angry? I did say: ‘You would be more fun if you drank more.’ But that applies to most people …”

And so now Heather is going Lohan on Social media blasting Jeff for being rude to her. Luckily, Jeff Lewis doesn’t often play the fool — except on TV — and issued this rebuttal:

“I get along with all the Housewives — they call me ‘The Housewives Whisperer,' [but] there’s an issue with her. I think she’s phony, and fake, and pretentious.” 

Pot … Kettle. But Jeff swears he didn’t go after what appears to be Heather’s surgically enhanced face — fillers, Botox, peels, knives, whatever … she’s married to a plastic surgeon — though he admits to being snarky and impertinent. 

“First of all, I think she’s a size 0, so body-shaming did not happen. She also said that I objectified her,[but] I actually complimented her! Aside from her hateful personality that makes her ugly, I think she’s an attractive woman. Her husband was sitting right across from me at this dinner party, and if I had said something I assume her husband would have stepped in?” 

Jeff claims that Heather mistook a genuine question, as offensive:

“What I said was, “God — you look great … have you had any plastic surgery?’ Because she’s married to a plastic surgeon – am I the first person who’s ever asked this?!” 

Jeff says Heather then snapped at him, and got very defensive—which he takes as proof that she’s had plastic surgery.

Sheesh, ladies, can’t we all get along? If not, I’m sensing a cross-over episode with a wine-glass throwing, table-flipping, don’t-hit-me-in-the-face-I’ve-had-work-done Bitchfest on either one, or both, of their shows.

After six months of marriage, and one week after announcing they are expecting a baby, Little Rudy Huxtable, AKA Keshia Knight Pulliam and Ed Hartwell have called it quits.

Hartwell filed first and cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split, but then questions if he is the father of the unborn child.

Rudy and Ed dated four months before getting married. Uh huh.

Oh, and now Rudy, er, Keshia is telling her side of the story, saying the baby girl is definitely Ed’s and that he’s the one who cheated on her. She was all set to divorce him and had papers drawn up but he begged her to stay.

She says he cheats, he says she cheats. I just worry about the baby, with these two fools for parents.

And here’s another reminder that Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s divorce is still a bottomless pit of drama.

Last week, Johnny’s team of lawyers filed papers to keep Amber and her team of lawyers quiet about the details of the divorce.

Now it’s Amber’s turn to do some document-pot-stirring. According to court papers, Amber Heard thinks Johnny Depp’s request for her to sign a gag order is his way of stalling their divorce.

Um, Amber, honey? You’ve accused him of being a drunk and a druggie and of beating you. Why would he want to drag this out?

Sit down, sign the papers, you’re your check, and move on. You’ve both got other people to marry, embarrass and divorce, haven’t you?

Day Four: The Democratic National Convention ... Or ... I'm With Her ... History ... Her Story

History; her story. It took us 240 years but we have a woman running for president as the nominee of a major political party.

A lotta folks aren’t feeling the history … but remember, 240 years, okay, 232 years, of white men running the show and now a woman could be at the helm. I say it’s about damn time … it’s past damn time; we are America, the most progressive nation in the world, ALLEGEDLY, and it took us this long. So celebrate it, it’s a shift, and, I think, a good one.

"When there are no ceilings, the sky's the limit."

"When any barrier falls in America, it clears the way for everyone."

And Hillary wasted no time in letting us know the major differences between her and [t]Rump — or, as she dubbed him last night, “little man.” And while [t]Rump spoke of doom and gloom, of Mexican drug lords and rapist, of Muslim terrorists, of violence on the streets ending in dead police officers, Hillary talked about immigration:

"When we have millions of hardworking immigrants contributing to our economy, it would be self-defeating and inhumane to kick them out."

The economy:

"I believe Wall Street can never, ever be allowed to wreck Main Street again."

Healthcare for children and paid family leave for women:

"If fighting for affordable child care and paid family leave is playing the 'woman card,' then deal me in!"

 She spoke of taking one of Bernie Sanders’ ideas and working with him to bring it to fruition:

"Bernie Sanders and I will work together to make college tuition-free for the middle class and debt-free for all."

She spoke of hope and of change and of making things better, which is not on [t]Rump’s agenda; and so, naturally, she pointed that out:

“He loses his cool at the slightest provocation. When he’s gotten a tough question from a reporter. When he’s challenged in a debate. When he sees a protestor at a rally. Imagine, if you dare, imagine, imagine him in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”

And she took him to task for acting like he is the only person on earth who can fix what ails us, what terrifies us, what troubles us, when he said:

“No one knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.”

I guess, as Hillary pointed out, [t]Rump forgot about the troops on the front lines—possibly because one of his first jobs was to avoid serving in the military—and he forgot about the:

“Police officers and firefighters who run toward danger. Doctors and nurses who care for us. Teachers who change lives. Entrepreneurs who see possibilities in every problem. Mothers who lost children to violence and are building a movement to keep other kids safe. He’s forgetting every last one of us. Americans don’t say, ‘I alone can fix it.’ We say, ‘We’ll fix it together.’ … None of us can raise a family, build a business, heal a community or lift a country totally alone.”

She correctly labeled him a “bully” who taunts the disabled, degrades women, labels whole countries dangerous, and whole religions, too.

“He’s betting that the perils of today’s world will blind us to its unlimited promise. He wants us to fear the future and fear each other. Well, you know, a great Democratic president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, came up with the perfect rebuke to Trump more than 80 years ago, during a much more perilous time: ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.’ Now we are clear-eyed about what our country is up against. But we are not afraid.”

But, for me, while all she said was what I wanted to hear —and I cannot wait for her to take him and his little hands and little brain on in a debate — there was one last thing she said that seals the deal for me; she spoke of gun violence, and how the Right, after cashing their NRA checks, says that, like Obama, Hillary will be coming for their guns:

"I'm not here to repeal the 2nd Amendment. I'm not here to take away your guns. I just don't want you to be shot by someone who shouldn't have a gun in the first place."

I’m with her. I’m with making history, and her story.

I Didn't Say It ...

Pat Spearman, openly gay Nevada Senator, at the DNC:

“We have heard Donald Trump say that he would protect the LGBTQ community. But he is against marriage equality and has said he is all for overturning it. Donald Trump says that anyone can use any bathroom in Trump Tower but he still supports heinous bathroom bills and he would strip away the rights of transgender Americans. But his worst attack on us was his vice presidential pick, Indiana Governor Mike Pence. Governor Pence signed a law that allows individuals and businesses to deny services to LGBTQ Americans, and he used religion as a weapon to discriminate. As a lesbian, that hurts me. As a person of faith, that offends me. And as a legislator working hard to create jobs, that baffles me.”

It’s because [t]Rump is a hypocrite who changes his opinion as the mood suits him. One more reason he should never get near the oval!

[photo]

Christine Leinonen, mother of Orlando shooting victim Christopher Leinonen, at the DNC:

“It takes about 5 minutes for a church bell to ring 49 times. I know this because last month my son Christopher, his boyfriend Juan, and 47 others were murdered at a club in Orlando. Christopher was my only child, as I used to tell him, you can’t do better than perfect. … Christopher was a big Hillary supporter. That’s why I’m here. So that I can tell you about the day he was born. At the time I was a Michigan state trooper. When I went into labor the hospital put my off-duty gun in a safe. I didn’t argue. I know common sense gun policies save lives. The weapon that murdered my son fires 30 rounds in one minute. … One minute for a gun to fire so many shots. Five minutes for a bell to honor so many lives. I’m glad common sense gun policy was in place the day Christopher was born, but where was that common sense the day he died? I never want you to ask that question about your child. That’s why I support Hillary Clinton.”

How can anyone — except for the NRA and the NRA-backed members of Congress — not see what she is saying: common sense.

And Christopher might still be here.

[photo]

Donna Brazile, acting Democratic National Committee Chairwoman, at the DNC:

“As a child, I lived through and survived the segregated South. I sat at the back of the bus at a time when America wasn’t yet as great as it could be. … As a grown woman, I saw the first black president reach down a hand and touch the face of a child like I once was, lifting his eyes toward a better future. But I have never, ever, in all my years seen a leader so committed to delivering that better future to America’s children as Hillary Clinton [and] I remember thinking immediately, here is a woman who doesn’t mess around. Steel in her spine, Hillary didn’t want to talk about anything other than how to make children’s lives better. That’s the Hillary I know. At her core, rooting her to this earth, is the belief that every child, black or white, rich or poor, native-born, immigrant, or undocumented, deserves the opportunity to live up to their God-given potential. … As a child I sat in the back of the bus. I was told, time and time again, that God’s potential didn’t exist in people like me. I’ve spent my life fighting to change that. And, from the first day when I met Hillary Clinton, I’ve known that she’s someone who cares just as much and fights just as hard.”

Can you imagine a Donald [t]Rump fighting for children? I mean, not the ones who work in the sweatshops producing his, and Ivanka’s, clothing lines.

[photo]

Gregory Angelo, head of the oxy-moronic Log Cabin Republicans, on the GOP’s viciously anti-LGBT platform and [t]Rump:

“As far as LGBT issues go, he has actually been a leader on LGBT rights. He said he would be our friend as president and he said we live in a remarkable society where people ‘love who they love and express themselves as they are.’”

Hey, Gregory. Why not read everything he says about LGBT issues and how he’s changed his mind over and over and over again.

Better still, hand in your copy of The Gay Agenda and send back the Toaster Oven.

We’ll save those for LGBT Americans who can see and hear the hate in [t]Rump.

[photo]

Stephen Colbert, Late Show host, responding to an audience member’s question about what he would like to ask Donald Trump:

“What does Vladimir Putin’s dick taste like?”

Mic.Drop.

[photo]

Random Musings

Scottie Nell Hughes is a yuuuuge MAGAt and recently spoke to CNN about Tim Kaine and his habit of speaking Spanish at Clinton-Kaine rallies.

She muttered a Mama Grizzly Bore™ Word Salad™ about _____ and immigrants, how Kaine was trying to divide America, how, while she liked that he spoke Spanish, and how Melanie could have spoken any of her five different languages — or at least what she remembered from her first semester in college before she dropped out to take her clothes off for photographers — and then said:

“What _____ did, he spoke in a language that all Americans can understand. That is English. I didn’t have to get a translator for anything that was going on at the RNC this week. And I’m hoping I’m not gonna have to kinda start brushing up on my Dora the Explorer to understand some of the speeches given next week.”

I’m certain _____ will never speak Spanish because the only Spanish he knows is ‘Taco Salad.’ And I imagine his minions would have rioted had he attempted anything other than monosyllabic English. But what galls me is the fact that this illiterate tool, this bigoted fool, seems to think her multiculturalism is proven by the fact that she knows Dora the Explorer; it  shows just what a bunch of troglodytes MAGAts are.

Sit down, Scottie Nell, you are making a fool of the RNC … though, I guess that’s not a difficult task.

We have a nice kitchen, albeit the original 1970s kitchen, in our house. It’s quite large, with an eat-in area and an island, but we could use a new one … if only it was America’s Most Desperate Kitchen.

See, cuz then John Colaneri, one half of the HGTV ‘Desperate Kitchen’ team — the other half is his cousin Anthony Carrino — would come to our home.

Oh, I don't need John to redo the kitchen — though I’d be fine with that — but just to walk around in tight shirts and jeans.

Just sayin’.

Florida Governor, and ISBL Asshat of the Week winner, Rick Scott spoke at last week’s Republican National Clusterf**k and started off by expressing his “gratitude to everyone who has kept us in their prayers” after that mass shooting at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando:

“We have received an outpouring of love and support from Americans everywhere. The American people sure stick up for each other. On behalf of the state of Florida: thank you, thank you, thank you!”

During his seven-minute RNC speech upon which he stood atop those 49 dead LGBT Americans, Rick Scott didn’t mention the LGBT community once; he didn’t even mention the fact that most victims were Latino.

But Latinos and Gays and the RNC … oh my.

He also didn’t mention the semi-automatic rifle the shooter used was legally purchased shortly before the shooting.

Nope, he instead blamed President Obama for the attack because Obama refuses to blame an entire religion for the actions of a few wingnuts. How many more dead LGBT Americans, Latino Americans, Black Americans, will there be before Rightwingnut, GOP Goose-stepping asshats like Rick Scott even mention that we exist?

Sit the f**k down.

Leave it to Hot Ginger Prince Harry to make a difference … just by taking a test.

His campaign to create awareness on the importance of HIV testing by taking the test himself on Facebook’s Live Platform, has led to a dramatic increase in the at-home HIV self test kits ordered from one of the UK’s leading HIV charities — in fact, almost 5,000 BioSure kits were sent out during Harry’s appearance.

Good on Harry; his mum would be so proud.

_____ now says he was only kidding when he encouraged Russian intelligence agencies and hackers to find Hillary Clinton’s thousands of deleted emails — after it appeared that the Russians are the ones who hacked the DNC — because, yeah, it’s a joke to ask a foreign government, notably the Russian government, to insert themselves into American politics to force a certain outcome.

I wonder if he’s elected and he gets his silky boxers in a snit and then pushes the button to bomb some country if he’ll announce later, as the piles of dead bodies are shown onscreen, that he was only joking.

He’s soooooo Presidential.

Two weeks ago the Family Research Council abruptly and quietly withdrew its support for the so-called First Amendment Defense Act [FADA] because there is new language in the bill that legalizes discrimination against married straight couples on the basis of “religious belief or moral conviction.”

Yup, as long as the law legalizes discrimination against gay folks on religious grounds it’s a good thing, but leave the straights alone.

Eff off.

Last Sunday after using the bathroom our toilet bubbled at me … in what I perceived as anger … or a threat. I mentioned it to Carlos and asked if maybe we should get the septic tank pumped and he basically said, ‘Meh.’

Cut to the very next day when the toilet bubbled angrily or threateningly at Carlos and suddenly he was all:

‘Pump.That.Septic.Tank.’

I was all:

‘Where have I heard that before, oh yeah, me, yesterday!’

Anyway, the septic tank pumper and his truck came out on Tuesday to pump the tank and the pumper, a man clearly in his late 60s or early 70s, maneuvered the giant truck through our tiny gate into the backyard, where he proceeded to then back it up and maneuver through the trees across the yard to the septic tank.

He dug a hole to the tank, pried the lid, shoveled around in the … well, use your imagination … and then pumped it all out. Then he drove the truck across the yard back through the trees, turned right, and then backed that mother of a truck through our wee gate again!

I couldn’t do that; nor could I pump a septic tank. And that proves the old adage that there’s a job for  everyone and everyone for a job, because if it was left to me, if I had to pump out the poo, the tank would just back up into the house.

And we’d just move.

SIDENOTE: The older, very Southern man, wasn't the least bit bothered to be working for a couple of queers. He told us how much he loved our yard, and said we had a beautiful house, and asked how long we lived here and how long we'd been together.

Times change.