Ignore My Arrest For Choking My Chicken In A Neighbor's Chrysler and Vote For Me

Jordan Haskins is just twenty-four, and running for Congress in Michigan as one of those stalwart, conservative Republicans for whom the way to govern is defined by “faith, family and freedom” saying:

“I have dreams, and I want to make a difference.”

And so he’s asking the good people of Michigan to ‘overlook’ his past behavior, his sexual fetishes and his many felony convictions and vote for him. He wanst you to know that although he served time in prison in two states, and is currently on parole, there are no laws that prevent him from running for public office.

Still, on four separate occasions between April of 2010 and January of 2011 — when Haskin’s was twenty, maybe twenty-one — he broke into stranger’s cars on public and private property, disconnected the ignition wires, started the engine and, well, masturbated; he called it “cranking.”

Most folks called it a crime.

Haskins, who has lived in both Michigan and North Carolina, has lengthy criminal records in both states, though most of his early offenses — going back to when he was fifteen — were mostly breaking into cars and stealing them for a joyride. In North Carolina Haskins was arrested in 2006, 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 for breaking and entering, larceny and trespassing, but when he came to Michigan he added the jerking off in stranger’s cars aspect to his criminal, sexual, behavior.

And he has an excuse for his behavior:

“I really had no friends at the time. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I was one of those young people who grew up without a father in the house, grew up with his grandmother and his mom. I just didn’t really know what I wanted to do, what my purpose was, where I wanted to go.”

Except to beat off in a Buick, apparently. Yet now he wants the good people of Michigan to forget about his arrests, and his behavior, because he’s replaced the jacking off in Jeeps with political conservativism.

Though if he is elected — he’s running in a  heavily Democratic district — I imagine his constituents might often wonder what he was doing with his hands under his desk in the statehouse.

Cranking? Or yanking?

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