I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Is Tommy Cruise having a mid-life crisis now that his Baby Wife and baby Mama have left him? I mean, can he have a mid-life crisis? He has the sports cars and the airplanes to make him feel manly; and he’s done the much younger wife thing, so how would we know he’s having a mid-life crisis?

He can't do the Baby Bride thing again, since he can’t have the Church of Scientology audition new wives for him--been there … didn’t work--so he’s stuck doing the only thing a man-boy in mid-life can do: he’s becoming a club kid.

Well, he’s hitting the club scene, and hard. And, in this day and age of cell phones and social media, his clubbing is being documented regularly.

When a young club gal ran into Tommy at London hotspot The Box, she took to Twitter. But her reaction wasn’t what the Mission: Impossible star might have hoped for. “Tom Cruise grosses me out,” she tweeted. “He’s so weird!”

Ouch. And for someone who has his image groomed and photo-shopped and nipped and tucked to within an inch of his height, this kind of publicity can’t be good.

An insider—and you know it’s a janitor at COS—says,  “Tom’s trying to look cool and go out and be hip, but he just looks silly and icky.”

Icky is right. The doting Dad, who once pronounced he would do anything for his daughter, hasn’t seen Little Suri in over two months, because nightclubs and yachts are more important.

He says he’s “working” but I guess by “working” he means hanging out with, of all people, Usher, at the singer’s birthday party is more important than being, oh, I dunno, a father.

But his shattered family issues aren’t the only Tommy Problem; he’s also worried that his days as big time action star are nearing the end. Other than Mission Impossible, his last big movie, ‘Rock of Ages’ was a d-i-saster.

So what’s a soon-to-be-washed-up action star, and thrice divorced daddy of three to do?

Club it.

It’s Britney, bitch.

In court.

Sam Lutfi—Brit Brit’s ‘manager’ during the Crazy Times—is suing her for breach of contract; he’s also suing her Mama for defamation of character and is also suing her Daddy for assault. All in a day, I guess.

The old story was that Lutfi tried to control Britney by feeding her drugs and limiting access to her by anyone and everyone, including her family. Lutfi has a different story.

He says it was Britney who was the drug hound; he actually hired a drug-sniffing dog who found meth in Britney’s manse. And he says that whole head-shaving incident wasn’t just crazy, it was Britney trying to remove any chance of being court-ordered to take a hair follicle test while battling for custody of her children.

And that whole umbrella-ella-ella on the SUV? Brit. Meth. Rage.

What do you think? Crazy Brit or Cracky Brit?

I hope this Melissa McCarthy story isn’t true but we always hear about people suddenly being thrust into full-blown stardom turning in raging maniacal divas.

And she was a huge reason Bridesmaids was such a hit; and she has a, for lack of a better word, hit show, on CBS.

After Bridesmaids—for which she received an Oscar nomination—McCarthy became one of the most talked-about actresses of the year. All kinds of buzz about her, and scripts galore being pushed at her. And, apparently, with all this newfound movie-stardom, Melissa isn’t keen on being stuck on that TV show, Mike and Molly, any more. McCarthy thinks she’s too big for TV, and insiders say she has become a “raging diva” on the set of her show.

“Melissa’s head has swollen to epic proportions,” revealed a Hollywood source—who may or may not be the plus-sized guy who co-stars with her and who may have a name but I’m not interested enough to Google it. “She complains about the quality of scripts and grumbled about the direction the show is going in. She came back this season with a huge chip on her shoulder, and it’s creating a lot of tension and bad feelings on the set.”

Melissa’s just wrapped The Heat with Sandra Bullock and feels that returning to the daily grind of filming a TV show is beneath her.

 “She’s suddenly one of hottest actresses in town and she’s been inundated with film scripts,” the source explained. “The sky’s the limit for her professionally, and she feels TV is holding her back from superstardom. It’s obvious she wants out of Mike & Molly now. She actually approached producers to see if she could get out of the contract of even buy her way out… but M&M is a huge hit for the network, and they certainly aren’t going to let their biggest draw walk away from it.”

Melissa could go one of two ways:

Clooney It: work with the network to stay on the show and ask that they make time for her to do films, or

Caruso It; walk away to do films only to see her film career crash and burn and then come crawling back to TV in a police procedural.

I hope she Clooneys.

Oh what would a week be without Lohan drama?

Peaceful. Quiet. Okay, dull.

The whole mess began when Daddy Media Whore, Michael Lohan, and some people showed up at Lindsay’s home to stage an “intervention”. Lindsay wouldn’t let them in and then called the police on Michael.

Typical Blohan mess.

And Lindsay called TMZ—the same folks her Daddy called after the Limo Incident of October where Dina and Original Recipe™ battled one another—to tell them Michael is awful. Except when her mama’s bitchslapping her in a drug-fueled rage in the back of a car and she needs backup.

Now, Michael is telling TMZ that the intervention was sanctioned by Original Recipe’s™ “crack” team—see what I did there? Crack?—of enablers, because Lindsay’s partying is so out of control, it’s even starting to bother them.

Huh? Michael is bothered by too much partying?

But I digress.

Michael says he was with Original Recipe’s™ manager, Evan Hainey, her lawyer—for entertainment purposes, not criminal misdeeds—Dave Feldman, and her criminal lawyer, Shawn Holley at the intervention. 

Michael emailed Evan and Shawn claiming he had been informed by several people Lindsay was “drinking between a bottle and a bottle and a half of vodka per day” adding, “I have seen the empty bottles and even cocaine in her room at Chateau.”

Michael continues, “She is AGAIN, taking pills to keep her up and to sleep (adderall)!! I even know that she is and was drinking during work as far back as Liz and Dick! …. I am asking you to PLEASE PLEASE find a way to get her to LA toward the end of the first week of October or the beginning of the second so we can do an intervention and FINALLY end this madness!”

Okay, so first I was like, yeah, I know Lindsay’s a booze-and-coke gal, but, um, her Daddy’s a boozehound and her Mama’s a coke-whore, so, isn’t that natural? But then I began thinking: if Michael Lohan—who sold the recordings he made when his daughter called him in confidence during LimoGate—really had emails, he would have had them published around the world.

So, is Lindsay back on the sauce and planning her next jewel heist? Provably.

But when you have parents like that, well, what can we expect.

I would like to see a Lohan Intervention; I’d like to see Lindsay remove Mama and Daddy from her life because neither one of them cares about her, they only care about their own need for fame.

Just sayin’.

I loathe Ann “You people” Romney.

And I’m a’scurred of Vogue editor Anna Wintour because, well, she could have me killed.

But, this time around I’m kinda on Team Wintour. I requested an invite to join the team when Anna snubbed Kash Kow Kardashian from Fashion Week, and now I am upping my request for membership because of this:

Wintour, who has raised some Two million bucks for Obama’s re-election campaign and is keen to see her investment protected, is ALLEGEDLY using all her powers to pressure designers into not dressing Ann Romney for events.

Now, that doesn’t stop Queen Ann from using Mittsy’s money—and some of her horse money—to purchase her own designer duds ‘off the rack.” Not to be confused with the rack Ann uses to punish wayward maids.

But since no one—and I mean no one—wants to make La Wintour angry, it seems as if the haute couture is off limits to Queen Ann.

Now, Michelle Obama is a clear favorite in the fashion industry—designers clamor to dress her—and she counts Vogue’s Anna Wintour and J. Crew’s Jenna Lyons as supporters. In fact, when Michelle Obama appears in public in some stunning dress, fashion publicists instantly send out handfuls of press releases.

Not so much for Ann Romney.

And some in the industry say it’s all Anna’s doing.

Fashionista wrote: “We receive press release upon press release about Michelle’s campaign wardrobe and it’s become a major coup for a designer to dress Michelle Obama. But we’ve yet to receive one–one–about Ann Romney’s.”

Case in point: When Romney wore Oscar de la Renta to the Republican National Convention, the designer’s press corp was noticeably silent.

Ouch.

And when Ann Romney wore a printed Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress, the brand’s press team ignored it until they felt pressure from online media, and then only said they were “not quite sure how she obtained the dress.”

Ouch. Part Deux.

You can lead a horse to water, and you can make him dance for Olympic Gold, but you can’t get him to loan Ann Romney any designer duds.

Mariah Carey lives large and sleeps large.

The American Idol diva—ALLEGEDLY needing a rub-down after a run-in with Nicki Minaj—ordered  an eight-hour rub-down upon her return to her LA manse. And she paid the masseur $1500 for the service. [Sidenote: it wasn’t a TravoltaRub, it was a real massage.] But the kicker is that Mariah, as soon as the magic fingers touched her skin, fell asleep.

On top of that, Carey had a seriously kooky request: “She insisted [Sacha Baron Cohen's] Bruno play on repeat,” a source—and you know it’s Nick Cannon because, well, what else has he got to do?—said.  “It looped the entire time!”

And it makes me wonder … was Bruno being played so Mariah could snooze and no one could hear her snore?

Just sayin’. A five-octave snore could shatter ear drums.

I may go back and add a boat-load of ALLEGEDLY’s to that first entry, because Tommy Cruise is spitting MAD. Girl is ready to take off the earrings and head to the streets. Or I may start calling him Tommy Allegedly Cruise, excepts that sounds  like a lawsuit in the making.

He is threatening to sue Life & Style and In Touch magazines for, ahem, $50 million bucks because they claim he’s a bad Daddy.

To his little girl, not to …. Um, ALLEGEDLY.

A copy of the papers ALLEGEDLY filed by his round-the-clock-on-speed-dial attorney, Bert Fields, is kinda funny, saying the defendants are supposedly “wholly unconcerned about the truth of what they publish and what harm it causes,” but they are also guilty of “vile and reprehensible” conduct.

Further, “plaintiff [i.e. Tom Cruise who never heard an innuendo he didn’t file suit against]is not a litigious person and has not sued them before. But to falsely accuse him of abandoning his child crosses the line. Enough is enough.”

And it ALLEGEDLY adds, “the true facts are that plaintiff loves his daughter dearly and would never abandon her. Whenever his work has taken him on location away from Suri, he speaks with her every day.”

But, um, they aren’t saying that he’s seen his daughter, seen her, in the last two months, just that he ALLEGEDLY stops yachting and clubbing long enough to ALLEGEDLY make a phone call.

ALLEGEDLY.

I love how they call Tom Cruise “not litigious”: when he recently threatened to file a suit against the National Enquirer for calling him a “monster”. But, what I find especially telling is that every time some man crawls out of the woodwork and says he and Tom Cruise were ALLEGEDLY lovers, Tommy smacks back with a $100 million lawsuit.

Why only $50 mil, ALLEEGDLY, for the Bad Daddy stories?

ALLEGEDLY.

ALLEGEDLY.