Saturday, January 21, 2017

It's Snarkurday!

News moves fast these days and you either get in on it, or you move along ... something former Spice Girl Mel B. should learn.

Mel B., now some twenty days past New Years Eve, has weighed in on the Mimi Mess. Seriously; it might have been more relevant had she weighed in on the tumble Judy Garland took at the Palladium back in 1951 but I digress ...

Mel B. is currently on Broadway in the revolving door role of Roxie Hart in Chicago and brought up how she was in Times Square that fateful night and saw Mimi’s, for lack of a better word, performance. She says she was “in complete shock” watching Mariah lip-synch-talk-strip-stripper-stroll through her set and added:
“I was watching, going, ‘What is going on over there?’ because I was trying to lip-synch along to her song, pretending I was Mariah, and then it all stopped. ... As a performer ... if something happens, you just keep going. Your first reaction is to not let silence go too long, so I was in complete shock. I was like, ‘Why did you let that happen?’ I think maybe she ... didn’t even want to attempt that when it actually came to singing live because some of the track was pre-recorded, all of the high notes, and some of it was just blank for her to sing live. Maybe she doesn’t have that voice anymore. I hate to say it…” 
Um, no you don’t, and it’s funny because what you described is my impression of every single Spice Girls performance.

Seriously, Mel, save the shade lest it land on you, too.
Poor Dina Lohan, her daughter Lindsay turned her once-brilliant film career ... damn I’m funny ... into a career as a high, or mid-range, paid escort and bar hostess and now Dina is suffering the consequences.

Yup, y’all, Dina Lohan is broke ... again.

Three years ago, JPMorgan Chase hit Mama Lohan with a lawsuit for non-payment on a $1.3 million loan; now, she may have made a few payments with some of Lindsay’s Oprah Reality Show Money because the lawsuit quickly disappeared.  

Then, in February 2016, the lawsuit was brought back to life when JPMorgan Chase went back to court and started foreclosure procedures again. And since Dina had better things to do—or open, as in box after box of Franzia chardonnay—she never responded and never went to court. In December the judge allowed the bank to foreclose on Chez Lohan, which is expected to hit the auction block.

On top of losing her home, Dina also owes the states of California and New York a total of $9,375.28 in unpaid taxes and the private school where the littlest Lohan, Cody, went has sued her for $10,483.

My next guess is that Dina will seal herself inside a box marked “Used Goods” and ship herself via FedEx to Greece where she’ll swim out to any and every yacht in the Mediterranean looking for her little girl to bail her out ... again.
Oh this is rich ... as in rich people’s kids are stupid.

Jaden Smith failed his driving test and then, via social media because, why not, he told the entire world that since he couldn’t drive he was planning to move out of Los Angeles:
 “It’s going to be so funny to tell my dad that I failed straight up. Everybody follow your heart, you know what I’m saying? Do exactly what you want to do, be the you that you want to be. I’m about to move out of L.A. There’s a lot of bad things here. Create the life you want for yourself, you know? Don’t try to be somebody else.”
In a completely unrelated story the City of Angels has given an unnamed DMV employee a one million dollar bonus for ensuring that LA streets will be safer, and minus one idiot behind the wheel and on the phone.
Charlie Sheen has a TV movie coming out soon called Mad Families—and it’s not about his home life no matter what you think—and so he’s been all over the media promoting it ... by telling the world that he is still pissed at Rihanna because one time she didn’t ask Sheen and his porn star ex-fiancé to join her at her table.

That snub lead the two of them, Charlie and RiRi, to get into a TwitFight where she called him an “old queen” and he is still livid.

Yup. Crazy holds a grudge.

And he’s trying to keep baby in a corner, too, because, while appearing on Andy Cohen’s Hot Mess of a Show, Andy played a clip of Charlie and Jennifer Grey from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Charlie hissed:
“Talk about a nose job ruining a career.”
Well, better a nose job than a drug-and-porn-and-knife addiction.
So, supermodel ... seriously, I am soooo funny ... Bella Hadid is ALLEGEDLY furious that her BFF Selena Gomez might be dating her ex-boyfriend, The Weeknd, that she did the most evil thing a person could do to another person in this day and age: she stopped following Selena on Instagram.

Yup; back in my day I would’a thrown bleach on Selena’s car, or stalked her and slashed her clothes, but that’s so old school. Better to say, “I’m not following you. You’re now down to just 99,347,862 followers!

So.There.
Rob Schneider made a career out of being a no-talent hack on SNL which he parlayed into a series of film roles as a no-talent hack, so what does he do now?

Well, he apparently believes he should school Georgia Congressman John Lewis—the Civil Rights hero that Donald _____ attacked on Twitter—in the ways of Martin Luther King.

Yes. He did. See, last week John Lewis said the Tiny Handed Tyrant was not a “legitimate” president and so Schneider stepped away from his puzzles and board games to Tweet:
“Rep. Lewis. You are a great person. But Dr. King didn't give in to his anger or his hurt. That is how he accomplished & won Civil Rights.”
Um, Rob, you tool. John Lewis knew MLK, worked alongside MLK, and spoke at the Lincoln memorial right before MLK gave his I Have A Dream speech and you think you, a has-been of epic proportions should school him on civil rights? You’re done, Rob; you’re over.

I mean, my god, you’re making commercials for paper towels now.

Sit the eff down.
Speaking of stupid celebrities ... Ariana Grande.

She recently posted a picture of herself on Instagram with the line:
“when you’re cute but you’re also the hardest working 23 year old human being on earth #cute #butalso #CEO #unf–kwitable #haventsleptinyears”
Yes, it’s hard work having people literally carry you around like a rag-doll ... it’s hard work walking into a doughnut shop and licking the merchandise ... it’s hard work being Mariah Carey 2.0 and realizing your run will be far shorter.

Sit down with Rob Schneider, dear, you’re two of a kind.
Okay, we talked about has-been Spice Girl Mel B. so let’s talk about the Spice Girls and Victoria Beckham.

See, last year there was news of a Spice Girl reunion ... well, three fifths of a reunion since Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham and Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm gave the idea a side-eye and a loud No. And that left  just Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown and Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell-Horner to tour as GEM. But now, that mini-reunion is in question because Victoria has ALLEGEDLY enlisted a team of lawyers to block GEM from performing any Spice Girls tunes.

A source—and it’s probably Mel B.’s lips still flapping—says Victoria is worried that mixing new songs with Spice Girls classics will “damage” the group’s legacy.

Now, that’s funny. But the source, er, Mel B. went on to say that the Leftover Spices are “devastated” that Beckham has threatened to sue.

Of course, Victoria is denying these accusations and says she could care less about the reunion. And why should she when she has David Beckham’s ass at hand. Shoot, I’d be the nicest person in the world, never bother a soul, never snark at anyone, if I could grab that ass whenever I wanted.

Just sayin’.
Good thing this might be the last season of Sherlock Holmes on Masterpiece Theater because, ALLEGEDLY, Benedict Cumberbatch, AKA Sherlock, and Martin Freeman, AKA Dr. Watson, cannot stand one another.

According to a source—and I’m thinking it’s Mel B. still talking or Dina Lohan looking for coins to pay her tax bills—says Benedict and Martin’s personal relationship is “frosty” and that the two aren’t friends outside of work and only talk to each other when the cameras are rolling.

And if the producers get their way and try to ride this dead horse into a fifth seasons, they may go all The Good Wife onset and have Cumberbatch and Freeman film their scenes separately and then work them into scenes together via editing.

That way the frosty duo can remain cold.
Remember when Kim Kardastrophe was robbed at gunpoint and was so distraught she stayed away from social media and the family announced that shooting of their “reality” show was on hold?

Yeah, didn’t last long, because now the KUWTK new season is all about Kim’s Trauma. Yes, that family will be playing up the robbery for ratings and Kim will be playing up the robbery for a paycheck.

See,  after the robbery and before her breakdown on her “reality” show, Kim shot a few scenes for the new all-female version of Ocean’s Eleven—called Ocean’s Eight because maybe Hollywood couldn’t find three other actresses?—where the heist involves the gals stealing a valuable necklace off of the neck of a guest at the Met Gala.

And we all know that Kim Kardastrophe is a regular fixture at the Met gala and now we know that she filmed some scenes for Ocean’s Eight. So, you see, she is  devastated about the theft ... devastated she couldn’t turn it into enough money so she could divorce Kanye outright and not have to seek spousal support.
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6 comments:

mistress maddie said...

I have the feeling the Spice Girls thing is a ruse. Victoria and Melanie have it made.....emma still has a pretty good singing career in Britain. If anyone needs the coins it would be Geri and Mel. Maybe they should contact Arianna to join to replace one of the fallen. Oops silly me......she's too busy. I forgot she did hairspray this year.

the dogs' mother said...

In this time of political turmoil it is good to know some things stay the same - celebrity dramas.

anne marie in philly said...

such trash!

and rob, you're a white guy, WTF do YOU know about oppression and discrimination? FUCK YOU!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

My heart bleeds for that poor young Jaden Smith and his life of struggle and hardship.

Mitchell is Moving said...

Was there anything of actual interest/value in that pile of celebrities?!? Oh, yes, David Beckham's ass.

Bob Slatten said...

@Mitchell
Yes, that ass is the good news, now and forever!