Saturday, December 31, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Oh it looks like Rob Kardastrophe and his baby Mama, Blac Chyna, have broken up ... again.

Well, they at least TV broke up.

Rob says Blac Chyna left him … and took Baby Kream, er, Dream, too. Rob, naturally because he’s from Family Famewhore, showed videos of empty rooms in his house that once held all the furniture for Kream, er, Dream and for Chyna’s son, King, whose Baby Daddy is Rob’s half-sister’s piece Tyga ... ick.

The odd thing though is that, in the videos, where all the rooms are empty—even Rob’s cookies were taken—there is not one shred of evidence that there had ever been furniture in the rooms; no carpet dents; no drag marks. Just perfectly vacuumed rooms, which means that both Rob and Chyna are liars like the rest of that Klan, or Rob decided to tidy up the entire house before posting the videos online.

I’m going with liars.
Also on the Kardastrophe front, it smells a lot like d-i-v-o-r-c-e in the Kardastrophe-West household lately.

And it isn’t just because Kanye went nuts and had to be hospitalized or just because Kim’s a famewhore who saw that her brother’s drama was overshadowing hers and so she opted for TV drama too.

A source—That Woman, AKA The CryptKeeper—says there was divorce talk before Kanye’s epic meltdown due to the stress Kim felt after the Paris robbery which has, mercifully, kept her off the internet and away from cameras for a few months now. But, the source also says Kim would never divorce Kaye in the middle of his madness so maybe, just maybe, they’ll wait for a Sweeps month when the news will garner bigger ratings.

That makes sense, but ... and ain’t there always a but?

Rumors are swirling, as rumors do, that Kim insisted that Kanye stay away from That Woman’s Christmas party. In fact, Kim showed up alone wearing all her basic accessories except for her wedding ring! Egads! And then, later that night, Kanye showed up to the party despite Kim’s ALLEGED demands that he stay away.

Yikes! The couple is ALLEGEDLY seeking the help of counselors for their own individual issues—Kim’s fear of robbers and Kanye’s lunacy—but aren’t going to therapy together.

Again ... sweeps month and a very special episode of KUWTK.
There’s a story of Rihanna’s “discovery” in Barbados years back; some say Jay-Z “discovered” her and others say producer and songwriter Evan Rogers “discovered” her a year later and she then sent her “Pon de Replay” demo to various labels and once Jay-Z heard it, he signed her to Def Jam.

But is there another story and do you care? I don’t but I’m’a tell you anyway.

Some say that before Rogers saw Rihanna, British composer Andrew Lloyd Webber took a vacation in Barbados, and he heard her sing and thought about “bringing her back” to the UK to make her a star but he and his creative partner, Nigel Wright, decided not to follow their impulses:
“I said to Nigel, ‘If we bring her back, you know it’s like when you see a picture when you’re away and you take it home and you think, why did I buy that?’ I thought: we’ll get her back, it’ll be fine, but then what do we do with her?”
Wow. Isn’t he just the creepiest thing, acting like Rihanna is a picture that looked good on the cabana wall but really shouldn’t be in the castle.

ALW is just such a pig. Oh, and possibly a lying pig since he’s only began telling this story now and not when Rihanna first hit it big.
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian! Those two wacky adulterers!

Eddie finally got an acting job—on TVs Rosewood—co-starring with Morris Chestnut ... yum ... and Jaina Lee Ortiz, a hot Latina with a husband. And since LeAnn knows all about stealing husbands and Eddie’s a serial adulterer, she’s not too happy about Jaina ...

Sources claim Rimes is on a tear because she’s worried Eddie might find Jaina just too much; and it isn’t helping that Jaina gushes about Eddie:
“He’s amazing! He’s Cuban and adds so much of that spice and flavor… he’s so damn fine! Don’t tell my husband I said that, but he knows anyway.”
Now, Jaina may be having fun, but, you know, LeAnn, who wouldn’t be married to Eddie if she hadn’t cheated on her husband with him, and he cheated on his wife with her, years back while they worked together, isn’t happy. And Jaina does seem to fuel the fire, like posting a picture to Instagram of her and her castmates—and Eddie—partying at her 30th birthday in LA, while LeAnn was away in Alabama.

So, it seems LeAnn has gone even crazier ... like telling an interviewer that she loves “skipping” and carries a jump rope with her everywhere. Crazy, I know, but it came just two days after Jaina had posted a photo of herself working out with a jump rope.

And, when Eddie began working with Jaina, LeAnn posted a shot of herself with Max, the dog on Rosewood, just hours after Jaina had done the same thing.

Then in December, when Jaina and Eddie posted a cat-faced Snapchat picture of themselves, LeAnn did the same thing again.

Karma.Krazy.LeAnn.
So ... Mariah Carey. One of her greatest achievements was when she was asked a question about JLo and uttered the classic line:
“I don’t know her.”
It’s the perfect diss. Try it; when someone asks you about someone you may not particularly care for, say, “I don’t know her/him.” It’s delicious and simply evil. And Mariah knows this because she continues to use it.

While appearing on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, he made her play a game called Does She Know Her. Mariah was asked if she “knows” various pop princesses and she gave some funny answers ... well, funny for Mariah:

On Lady Gaga: “She came to my show, she was very sweet…and we had a nice conversation. We’ve met, we’ve had a conversation in my dressing room, it was very sweet.”

On Ariana Grande: Mariah says she doesn’t know her, but when it was pointed out that Ariana is a pint-sized Mariah, she said:

“I don’t know when early in the career was…I don’t know…honestly I’m really not familiar, I listen to hip-hop more than I listen to pop music.”

Word salad tossed.

On Taylor Swift: “Very nice girl. Met her once, she was really sweet. She came up to me…yeah.”

Madonna: “Uh, never had a conversation with her.”

Katy Perry: “Nice girl, she came to my show as well.”

Miley Cyrus: “I think we met in a bathroom…I don’t know.”

When Andy Cohen pointed out that they performed at a Divas concert once, Mariah responded, “I performed on that show a lot of times, with Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross. How am I supposed to remember everybody else?”

Ouch.

On Demi Lovato, who called Mariah a Mean Girl: “I don’t know her either, and so I wouldn’t say anything to her. She should come up, introduce herself to me, say here’s my opinion, ‘What do you think about it?’ That’s how you handle sh-t, OK?”

So, this is Mariah: if you come to her show she knows you and she loves you and you’re sweet.

If you don’t she doesn’t know you.
It looks like The Biebs is in trouble with the law again.

Back in 2013, Justin Bieber was performing in Argentina and ALLEGEDLY ordered one of bodyguards) to beat up a paparazzo outside a club.  The police wanted to question him, but Bieber and his bodyguard fled the country. In November 2014, a judge ordered Bieber back to Buenos Aires for questioning, but he never showed because ... well ... spoiled toddler.

In April 2015, the judge issued a warrant  forced Bieber to cancel the Argentina leg of his Purpose tour because ... well, spoiled toddler. The warrant was later canceled but Argentina isn’t done with Justin; they have charged him with a crime of ordering the beating of a photographer and stealing the man’s money and camera.

His lawyers are planning to appeal the indictment, because they think that an appeals judge court with some sense will throw it out because ... wait for it ... Justin Bieber can save Argentina’s economy:
“The judge is screwing his own country because Justin could infuse a huge amount of money into the economy.”
Still, Justin won’t dip a toe in Argentina because if he does ... chain gang.
We all thought that after dumping Casper Smart and then kissing ex-husband Marc Anthony onstage—after which Marc announced he was divorcing wife #3—that JLo and Marc would be back together, but Marc is too old for JLo and not as hip and hot and able to help her career and image. So she’s hooked her ass to Drake—like Casper, young enough to be her son—and Rihanna’s ALLEGED piece.

RiRi and Drake just ended their long, drawn-out-we-aren’t- talking-so-maybe-it’s-real-maybe-it’s-not love affair and he is already banging Casper’s ex-mommy.

To be fair, Drake and Rihanna broke off their “whatever” last fall and he appeared to move on to perpetual dater Taylor Swift, but then he got wind that JLo was looking for a bump to her career and he went sniffing after her.

The spin is that Drake and JLo are said to be collaborating on a song right now, but collaboration, in JLo’s world, is not the same as what it means in the real world.

I mean, she collaborated Casper for a long time before she decided to collaborate Drake.

10 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Drake, Drake, Drake, that's not how good Canadian guys behave. Smarten up, eh?

mistress maddie said...

Its been a long year and I have nothing. So may 2017 take the likes of this riff raff and keep the talent alive and kicking. Well lets not get nuts, I'll take Eddie and straighten him out. Happy New Year to you Bob and two big wet ones for you each! 💋💋

Helen Lashbrook said...

ALW is creepy; about the only good thing about him is that he is leaving his collection of pre-Raphaelite art to the nation (probably because there's a tax allowance for doing that).

the dogs' mother said...

Once again JustinB makes Canada proud.
Happy New Year, Bob and Carlos! xoxoxoxox

anne marie in philly said...

and today we put the last of the garbage for 2016 in the dumpster. you just KNOW this trash will do some stupid things next year!

Broken Laughter said...

Hi,
I've been looking for a blogger who doesn't post inane things that make my hair combust spontaneously, and I'm glad that I've found yours.

Enjoyed the rather snarky celebrity roundup your wrote today, as well as your collection of great lines from the late Carrie Fisher. She will be missed by millions.

I'll be back and read you more.

Regards,
Paul Fleming
http://brokenlaughter.com

Anonymous said...

Not to throw shade on self respecting swine everywhere, but you've got a regular little pig-a-palooza going on here! Icky oinkers all. You really do shine with the snark, Bob, and I appreciate you for it!

Deedles

Bob Slatten said...

@Paul from Broken Laughter
Thank you and Welcome!

Fearsome Beard said...

Happy New Year Bob! Give Carlos a smooch for us.

Bob Slatten said...

Back atcha Fearsomes!