Saturday, October 01, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

When you grow up in a family where the entire Klan makes their living off being “reality” show stars, and they all think social media is their own private message board, then how do you handle a spat with one of your sisters?

Well, if you’re Rob Kardastrophe, and you’re pissy at your sister Kylie Jenner, you post her private phone number on Twitter — twice, just to make sure everyone sees it — because you’re a self-indulgent spoiled child who’s biggest claim to fame is a sister with a large ass and your “sock” design empire that went bust a few years back.

And why did Rob go all sixth grade girl on Kylie? Because the family was throwing a baby shower for Rob and his reality show baby mama Blac Chyna, but the family forgot to invite said baby mama.

Of course, the baby shower was set to be filmed for any number of those Kardastrophe reality shows, so, yeah, the drama was just for show, or is it …

It appears that after six minutes of blissful love, during which they spent roughly 14 seconds creating their spawn, Rob and Chyna are over. The loving couple haven’t spoken in months … the “reality” show is on hiatus … and have only been seen together when they had dinner the night their “show” premiered.

The Kardashian-Jenner sisters say they threw a No-Chynas-Allowed shower because Chyna was throwing herself her own Rob-less party because Rob, after having gotten his rocks off in Chyna, is sexting all kinds of other girls in the hopes of having a string of reality shows so he’ll be like the rest of the Klan and never have to work a real job in his entire life.

Lovely, though, that a child will be born onto this mess.

Justin Bieber, for reasons I cannot fathom, has been a famous person for quite a long time, but he’s not really happy about all that fame, of late.

And one thing he dislikes most about his fame are the people who made him famous — I was gonna call them “fans” but every time I type ‘Justin Bieber fans’ I start laughing so hard I can’t write. But Justin is tired of those people who like him; he loathes taking pictures with them; he despises the gifts they send him; he hates the way they act on Twitter. He doesn’t, however, dislike the fact that they pay his bills by buying his crap music and seeing his crap shows. And so, with that in mind, just last weekend, he gave us all a show about how much he hates the people who pay his way through life.

Justin is in Europe for his Purpose World Tour, a tour that is making him tons of money, thanks to his fans, and while he was in Norway, he decided to go for a walkabout with his entourage one Saturday night. A group of fans found their “idol” on the street and tried to get his attention, but Justin was too busy giving them the side-eye, being hustled away from them, and saying, as he disappeared into the night:
“You guys suck.”
Now, thinking your fans suck is one thing, but saying it out loud, in front of them, is all kinds of dumb, unless, well, Justin Bieber fans are kinda dumb and maybe do kinda suck, because after he said this and walked away and refused to acknowledged them, one of the “suckees” said Bieber was just having fun.

You suck; I’m leaving. It’s high-larious!

You know, I sometimes say off-color things, but then I don’t do it on television, in front of millions, and I’m not Marky Mark Wahlberg.

Last week, Wahlberg brought his thirteen-year-old daughter Ella with him to the Dan Patrick Show to promote his new film Deepwater Horizon. Ella was given a microphone and she asked her father to rap a little something, you know, like Marky Mark or something.

Patrick said he’d take a break so Mark could come up with something, but Mark said ‘No’, and then began to humiliate his daughter with some lyrics that, considering his history of assault, might seem a bit odd:
I’m your 45-year-old father and I got to rap
and if you keep misbehaving I’m a give your behind a slap
It’s called a spanking
Later on in life you’re gonna thank me
‘Cause all the advice that I’m giving you is good for you
and if not, your butt and behind is gonna be black and blue.
Mark explained the “child abuse rap” by saying that Ella had lost her phone privileges as punishment and that she had complained that her punishment was worse than her brothers would receive and Mark said this:
“They’d just go throw a ball or bounce their head off the wall and they’d still be happy. You live for the phone, so I got to get you where it counts, kid.”
Okay, so there is some truth to the punishment differing from child to child; my sister was regularly banned from the phone, but that punishment, if given to me, would been like, Okay, no biggie. But, as a man who was once sentenced for assault, maybe he shouldn’t be rapping about giving his daughter a beat-down.

Last August, Criminal Minds actor Thomas Gibson was fired for ALLEGEDLY kicking show writer Virgil Williams during a spat, and now Gibson is telling his side … and says it was just an accident.

Thomas says that on the evening of the incident he had an issue with one of his character’s line — he felt it “contradicted an earlier line” — and he told Williams about his concerns, but says Williams wasn’t having it:
“He came into that room and started coming towards me. As he brushed past me, my foot came up and tapped him on the leg. If I hadn’t moved, he would have run into me. We had some choice words, for which I apologized the next day, and that was it. It was over. We shot the scene, I went home — and I never got to go back.”
Um, Thomas? I don’t think you get fired because, as someone passed you, your leg tapped them, okurrrrr?

Settle, please, and admit you’re a spoiled child who didn’t get to play on the jungle gym at recess and so you kicked someone in the shin and ran off.

Apparently Russian television station Channel One is made of money because they actually paid Lindsay Lohan roughly $800,000 for an interview. That’s a lot of water bottles filled with Vodka, no?

Lohan appeared on Russian TV to talk about what happened this summer with her Russian ex-fiancé Egor Tarabasov, like the screaming fights and the phone tossing and the Russian hookers and the death threats and the breaking down of a door and the attempted strangulation and …
“I feared that Egor may splash acid in my face.”
Huh? This is all kinds of new and the very first time Lohan has ever brought this up, but then she played it like a good little liar, suggesting that she was “lucky to come to Moscow to speak.” But, she does want y’all to know that she didn’t fly to Russia to badmouth her ex-fiancé for the cash — oh hell no, she’d never do that — but that she wanted the world to know the “truth.”
“I wanted to do this interview because it’s time to tell the truth. There have been so many lies printed about me recently. I’ve kept quiet for so long but now I’m scared of what Egor might do to me and to himself.”
Funny, cuz the world never asked for Lohan’s “truth” and we didn’t ask for Egor’s either, but the instant the show aired, he released a statement dragging Lohan through the mud … something she’s quite used to, though:
“It has come to my attention that … Lindsay Lohan is planning a new smear campaign against me …. My relationship with Lindsay came to an end in July 2016 [and] … I decided not to address [the] harmful and false statements at that time. … out of respect for Lindsay. [But] I would like to state that all accusations made ... by Lindsay against me are not true. I refuse to be dragged into the media storm created in the aftermath of our breakup. I will not be making any more statements … but I will use all possible legal means to protect my name and reputation.”
A lawsuit, Egor? That’s the best you got? The Lohan’s live for lawsuits, man. The way to get Lindsay back is to tell the world she’s a terrible actress and really a nobody.

Oh, and call her “firecrotch.”

Back to Bieber and how he hates those people who made him famous. He snubbed them in Norway and then got into a wee brawl with one in Germany.

Apparently, while getting drunk in a club, Justin accidentally bumped shoulders with a guy who had ALLEGEDLY been trying to get Bieber’s attention all night; seriously … the guy must have been wasted!

Well, Justin, after the bump, was all like, “I’m’a star, loser,” and so the guy tried to slap Bieber and then grabbed at his shirt, and since Garanimals don’t come cheap, Justin was pissed!

He tried to fight back but really it was kinda slappy hands on both sides until Justin’s business partner John Shahidi broke it up by holding something shiny up in Bieber’s face. And then he was taken back to the hotel and put down for the night.

So, sadly, Jim Carrey’s ex-girlfriend, Cathriona White, committed suicide after their break-up and now her estranged husband Mark Burton has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Carrey.

In it, he ALLEGES that Jim supplied three of the four prescription medications Cathriona used to kill herself last year; he also accused Carrey of monitoring Cathriona’s movements with remote surveillance cameras.

For his part, Carrey says Burton is suing because he wants the coins — and it does seem that way — but then Burton countered with more accusations against Carrey, like … in addition to all the pills Carrey gave her, he also gave Cathriona three different STDs.

Mark’s information comes from a handwritten letter ALLEGEDLY written by Cathriona that states Jim Carrey gave Cathriona herpes simplex 1, herpes simplex 2, and gonorrhea. The letter also ALLEGES that Carrey lied about giving Cathriona herpes and gonorrhea and dumped her as soon as he found out, ALLEGEDLY calling her “a whore“, an “ungrateful bitch“, and “an opportunist”.

Mark then released a series of text messages ALLEGEDLY sent between Jim and Cathriona in January 2013 where Cathriona informs him she has “bumps” down there and Carrey asks that she “hurry up” and sign some sort of an “agreement.” When Cathriona let Jim know she didn’t feel “comfortable” signing it, Jim ALLEGEDLY responded that he was “done” and that she had become “too much drama.”

Naturally, Carrey’s lawyer, Marty Singer, says Mark’s claims are “despicable bogus” and questions why Cathriona continued to see Carrey long after the ALLEGED texts were sent.
Still, there’s something there, and one of the weirdest would be exactly what kind of agreement was Carrey asking Cathriona to sign?

An STD pre-nup?

Despite the hit TV film Sharnado, and its unending sequels, Tara Reid is having a rough couple of months; sadly, though, that’s really nothing new for Reid.

Last summer, she got into a radio spat with fellow bimbo Jenny McCarthy and is now catching all sorts of heat for her recent, dramatic, weight loss. She also came under fire for creating a fake relationship with a man so she could get on a reality show and make some coins — Sharknado money isn’t great money.

And then she took to Instagram to promote her latest “film” the direct to cell-phone epic, Worthless, and apparently spent do much time working that angle that, while waiting for a plane to whisk her from NYC to LA she got “stuck” in an airport bar and missed her flight.
Reid was seen at Jack Duggan’s Pub inside Philadelphia International Airport and a witness — possibly Jenny McCarthy getting her roots touched up at the airport — says:
“Tara was beyond tipsy … [and] …was sharing an egg sandwich with an air traveler.”
Her people — and how does Tara Reid have people — says the actress … I giggle at that … was “exhausted from filming [and] missed her flight and got on the next one. She wasn’t tipsy but extremely tired from filming.”

Was that “exhaustion” on the rocks with a twist, or was it served “straight up”?

Miley Cyrus likes to think of herself, not as a hillbilly singer and media whore but as an “artist” and she will not suffer fools like Mariah Carey thinking they, too, are musical geniuses.

In an interview with Elle magazine, where she said she would no longer walk the red carpet at industry events because people are hungry — how she got from red carpet to starvation is beyond me — Cyrus also dished Mimi.

See, on an episode of The Voice, where she is … I giggle … a judge, Miley told a contestant that not everyone can be Mariah Carey and Elle asked what she meant by that:
“I’ve never really been a fan, because it’s so much about Mariah Carey. That’s part of her shtick; I can see through that. That’s part of what makes her a gay icon; like, it’s about Mimi! It’s about what she’s wearing, and it’s about her. What I make isn’t about me. It’s about sharing my story; it’s about someone being connected to what I’m saying.”
Huh; then please to explain the denim hillbilly leisure suit studded with giant pink flowers that you wore on The Voice … or even the time you appeared wearing suspenders covering your nipples. And the Twerking and the stupid tongue-out-your-mouth poses and the All About Miley social media posts.

Miley, honey, you are Mariah Carey, you’re just a low-rent version of her. And she ain’t even high class to begin with …


anne marie in philly said...

oh gawd, we need a hazmat cleanup on aisle 9 for all this filthy shiz!

Jim said...

Perhaps Lindsay Lohan can team up with Donald Trump with the Russian TV stations for a new campaign ad? Sleaze indeed with both of them.
Enjoy your weekend Bob.

Helen Lashbrook said...

Lindsay isn't the only one appearing on Russian TV recently; didn't the Donald do a stint the other week? How much did they pay him....or did Vlad agree to a Trump Kremlin Hotel?

Raybeard said...

I've got to hold my nose and go see Marky Mark's 'Deepshit Horizon' this week. Really don't want to, but when duty calls.....! (Sigh!)

the dogs' mother said...

A few weeks earlier and they could have nailed Rob with endangerment of a child. But I think that was done a looong time ago.

mistress maddie said...

Now I know the Russians are mad. Who in there right mind is paying Lindsay $800,000 to do anything?!?! I wouldn't even give her $8.00.

Professor Chaos said...

How is anyone still interviewing Lindsey Lohan? Is she even still considered famous?

Has anyone ever explained to Mikey Cyrus that she cant song at all and shouldn't trash people who can? Also, she's as big an attention whore as your average Kardashian.

Professor Chaos said...

Also I gotta think they were looking for an excuse to get rid of Thomas Gibson who has the acting range of a cigar store Indian.