I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lot’s to get through today, so I’ll keep the snark as short as possible …

So, we all know that a then-married-to-someone-else Tori Spelling hooked up with a then-married-to-someone-else Dean McDermott to do the Mattress Mambo and then left their respective spouses, married one another and had eight or so kids of their own. 

And we know that once a cheater always a cheater, so it was no surprise that Dean ALLEGEDLY kept the Mattress Mambo going with several other women — including the aptly named Emily Goodhand — during his marriage until those stories broke.

Now Dean has admitted himself to rehab for sex addiction because it was rehab or Tori was leaving … or taking it to Bravo and pitching it as a reality show … even though she has ALLEGEDLY known all about his Canadian Schtupping Trips for years.

Dean, for his part, has released a statement about not being able to keep his dick in his pants:

“I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made and for the pain I’ve caused my family. I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.”

But then it gets juicier … Apparently Tori hired a private eye to spy on Dean who came back to report that Dean has been, um, skimming money out of their accounts — which explains the lack of vasectomy money she was whining about a few months back — and the PI also reported that, wait for it, Dean has been cheating on Tori with multiple partners …

… of both sexes.

Now that’s a show for Bravo!

More on The Biebs following his arrest:

It looks like the DUI charges are being dropped because the Miami police bungled the numbers Go figure … Miami police. And it looks like the drag racing charges are being dropped because, you guessed it, the Miami police f**ked that up, too.

But here’s what we do know …

While Miss Justine was grinning like a douchebag in that mugshot, her demeanor while in custody is quite different. It’s been said that Bieber was “still under the influence” and “giggling like a teenage girl” while in custody, but as she sobered up and realized there was no one there to change her diaper she began sobbing and “crying his eyes out.”

Add to that, Bieber’s lady friend — code for call girl stripper — Chantel Jeffries, who was in the car when Miss Justine was arrested, had quite the arrest record herself. She’s been arrested five times, including once for speeding and once for misdemeanor assault with a deadly weapon when she stabbed another woman in the arm during a fight. Plus, Chantal is also the one who, ALLEGEDLY, is selling Bieber stories to the press, so we gotta thank her for that.

Justine’s mommy,  Pattie Mallette, is extremely worried about her toddler. It seems Justin never calls, rarely sends a check, and has added his daddy, Jeremy, to his posse; in fact, it seems ti was Daddy Jeremy who blocked off the street for JuBiebs Drag Race. 

And it seems The Biebs has turned on mommy; when cops asked what substances he took before his arrest, baby Biebs admitted to alcohol and weed, and added that he was also on prescription drugs, but he didn’t know what kind “because he just takes whatever his mom Pattie gives him.”

Scooter Braun — yes, a grown man named Scooter — who is Miss Thang’s agent blames everyone else other than his Toddler Paycheck for Justin’s troubles: 

“Everyone around him is urging him to seek help. There is massive concern right now. The concern is, we have to figure this out. We have to fix this and do whatever it takes. They think the problem is the people he is hanging out with. He has some issues to work on. Lil Za, Milk and Lil Twist are particularly bad influences on him.”

I think it might be the other way around. Justine is the bad influence on his friends, and his mommy and daddy.

Who knew that Rihanna and Lena Dunham were in a Girl Fight?

Well, it seems it all started when, after Rihanna got back together with Chris Brown after he beat the crap out of her, Lena said in an interview: 

“She’s had this amazing career. And then she gets back together with Chris Brown and posts a million pictures of them smoking marijuana together on a bed. And it cracks my heart in half.”

That chapped Rihanna’s hide, so when it came to be that Lena — one of the producers of her HBO show Girls — wanted to use Rihanna’s “Talk That Talk” in an episode RiRi was pleased as Rum Punch to say, “F**k no.”

And now RiRi, who never met a grudge she didn’t want to hold forever — except for Chris Brown who bashed her face in and she forgave him — she has told her peeps she wants to be at the next event Lena goes to so she can go off on her in person.

Girl fight.

Oh, this breaks my heart — he said while giggling feverishly — but the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which just debuted last week opposite football, Downton Abbey, Sherlock Holmes and The Good Wife, has taken a nose-dive in the ratings; like it's down a half million fewer viewers than last year.

Apparently people complained that the premiere was a major downer because it focused on That Woman and Bruce’s separation and Khloe and Lamar’s marriage drama — and no one other than That Woman likes to watch That Woman on TV. But the real problem seems to be that the Kardastrophes don’t realize they are just gossip and not real celebrities when they aren’t doing something interesting like getting knocked up by a rapper while still legally married to your husband of 72 days.

Now that’s TV, not That Woman and her drag queen husband, or the sister and her crackhead husband.

It doesn’t pay to piss off Sharon Osbourne; unless you’re wearing protective clothing.

At last weekend’s annual Clive Davis pre-Grammy party Sharon Osbourne got into a motherf**ker of a fight with Jonah Hill’s brother, Jordan Feldstein during dinner. And it got so bad, so fast, that Missus O started throwing food and water, and anything she could get her hands on, at Feldstein before he finally ran off.

Now, it’s no secret Sharon Osbourne has a bad temper but that she would start throwing food and drink — especially drink … what a waste of booze — at anyone while at a party is all kinds of crazy. But rumor has it that Missus O’s daughter, Kelly, was arguing with Feldstein at his table, pointing fingers and assaying all kinds of English things. Then, suddenly, a plate of food was flipped onto Jordan and he got up to walk away and so Sharon hurled a glass of water at him.

While the cause of the friction is still a mystery, the Osbournes have ALLEGEDLY had a long-running feud with Feldstein. It’s all very Real Housewives of New Jersey—they were a minute away from a table flip!

The Queen is BROKE.

The Queen is down to her “last” million because her “advisors” have overspent to such an extent that her reserve fund has fallen from £35 million in 2001 to just £1 million today; a report by the Commons public accounts committee found that the advisors failed to control her finances and allowed the royal palaces to “crumble”.

Both Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle are reported to be in urgent need of repair, with the staff running around with buckets whenever it rains to protect art and antiquities, while the Queen’s old boilers — no, not Camilla — were contributing to bills of £774,000 a year.

Still, let’s not clutch our pearls and act like the Queen is down to her last million; she's not. She's still worth an estimated 500 million so put away your airline tickets, there ain’t gonna be no garage sale at Buckingham Palace … this week.

So, last week we talked about Lindsay Lohan jetting from London to the Sundance film festival in Utah to hold a press conference “announcing” her new project. 

What’s unusual is that most folks don’t go to Sundance to promote a film that has no money, no script, and hell, not even a real star, Also, why have a press conference when you don’t answer questions from the press like, Who’s you john? Is Oprah footing your globe-trotting? 

Still, Lohan says her new film is called Inconceivable, and she was joined by one of the film’s producers, who spoke as if he had this film was the Second Coming ...of the first time Lindsay blew him. ALLEGEDLY.

So, what’s the problem? Well, it seems that the money behind this “film” is soaked in blood and cocaine because the producers — Randall Emmett and George Furla — are a pair of convicted cocaine dealers who are accused of orchestrating a contract killing in Moscow.

Lindsay. Cocaine. Mob hits. It’s just another day in the Life of Lohan.

Let’s time travel back to the good old days of 2005. Shall we?

In 2005, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split, and Brangelina became a household name.

In 2005, Cocaine Kate Moss was photographed doing lines of white powder in a London club.

In 2005, Daniel Craig went from being Daniel who? To Bond, James Bond.

In 2005, Jude Law went from dating Sienna Miller to being dumped by Sienna Miler because he was schtupping his kids’ nanny.

In 2005, right after the story broke in 2005 about NannyBangingGate, Sienna was seen out and about with Daniel Craig, though the pair claimed to be “just friends.”

Now, let’s jump forward to 2013 and this week when Jude Law testified in the ongoing News of the World hacking trial today and brought up the whole Miller-Craig “friendship.”

During the trial, Law was present to testify about an October 2005 story that revealed then-girlfriend Miller was cheating on him with Daniel Craig. Well, Jude says it was all true, even though he says he just learned about the affair last August when he found out a family member had been leaking information to News of the World.

Jude testified that he had called Craig to “remonstrate” — to to disagree and argue or complain — him about banging Sienna, and Jude also said he told Daniel that he needed to come clean. Granted, this is supposed to be a story about how awful it is that someone in Jude’s family was selling stories about him to the press, but on a gossip level … ?

Sienna and Daniel Craig were banging, and Daniel and Jude’s friendship fell apart because of it. Sienna eventually made her way back to Jude and Daniel went back to his girlfriend at the time.

But it makes me laugh about Jude taking Daniel Craig to task for banging his girlfriend while Jude was banging his kids’ nanny at the same time; and it makes me laugh that Jude’s marriage to his baby mama broke up because he was banging Sienna Miller.

Jude needs to be “remonstrate” for all the banging he did.

That Woman wants the marriage of her demon-spawn, Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe to Kanye Kloseted West, to be sold and televised on E! just like Kim’s last wedding, you, know, the one that lasted a hot minute. But, as happens when you’re an offspring/moneymaker for That Woman, the idea is being put forth by Kim.

Yes, it seems Kim Kardastrophe really wants her wedding to Kanye to be televised on E! only this time it'll be better, and forever[?] because it'll be in Paris and Kanye's veryclosefriend Riccardo Tisci will design her gown; so wait, the boyfriend designs a wedding gown for his lover’s bride? ALLEGEDLY.

And it looks like it’ll happen. Yes, even though Kanye loathes photographers and intrusions into his life, he will succumb to the needs of his fame-hungry Baby Mama and her media-whoring mother, That Woman.

Kim ALLEGEDLY persuaded Kanye to let the cameras roll because E! will pick up most of the cost of the wedding and security, keeping out intrusive photographers or guests with cell phones. Plus, it’s all about ratings for that family, who’d sell out the death of a loved one if it garnered a larger percentage of the audience.

I won’t be watching the wedding, but I will be waiting for the split, about 73 days in ….

Back in 2011 Hugh Grant knocked up a woman named Tinglan Hong who gave birth to his daughter, Tabitha Grant, later that year. Rumor said it was a one-night schtup, where Hugh hooked up with a stranger and had unprotected sex which resulted in a lifelong paycheck for Mommy. Hugh bought Tinglan a new house and completely supports her, but does not live with her; he does, glad to report, spend a great deal of time with his daughter. But it seems like Hugh, while not being in love with Tinglan, does like to bang her because in 2012 she gave birth to Hugh’s second child, a son, Felix Chang Hong Grant.

And life went on with Baby Mama and her two Little Paydays until … Hugh Grant knocked up another woman, roughly about the same time he knocked up Tinglan for the second time.

It seems last September Hugh welcomed a second son, Hugh John Mungo Grant, but this time with Swedish TV producer Anna Elisabet Eberstein. The baby was born just three months before the birth of his second child with Tinglan.

Oh, so Hugh banged Anna, sperminated her with child, and then went to baby sit Tabitha, and while there he banged Tinglan again and sperminated her with a son. And now he’s bought Anna a lovely home and visits often to care for his son.

I think a couple of things:

A] Hugh really needs to learn about condoms, and …

2] Hugh should buy just one mansion to house his Baby Mama’s and offspring. I mean, why pay three mortgages?

So, it looks like the end of the Kanye To The Rescue beatdown of an 18-year-old is coming to an end.

Back-story: Kim Kardastrophe was in some sort of medical complex and a teenager tried to talk to her. When Kim basically told the kid to back off a little, the kid began screaming obscenities and racial slurs at her. Kim called Kanye, who raced over in his White Pradas and beat the crap out of the kid.

Kim wanted to sue because she thought the kid wanted to kill her and the kid wanted to sue because Kanye’s a bitch.

Well, the kid won. Kanye will pay him $250,000 in an out-of-court settlement, and yet the DA is till pondering filing charges against Kanye for the attack—and we all know that’ll never happen.

Moral of the Story: If you’re a big-assed media whore and feel unsafe ask for help, but don’t call your boyfriend who has a habit of attacking people for little or no reason.

Moral # 2: Get to California, call Kim a name, let Kanye smack you around a bit, and then wait for the check to clear.

Okay, so I give Madonna props for being a legend, for being an incredible artist whose career has spanned decades, who changed the world of pop music forever and offered provocative cultural shifts unlike any we’d seen ... blahblahblah

But, she’s also a media whore who will do anything to stay relevant and in the news.

Like referring to her white son as #disn***a as a term of endearment, and wearing a gold grill to the Grammys to piss people off because that’s what she said about it.

Madge told Miss Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Grammys:

“Yeah, I’m grillin’. It pisses everybody off when I wear my grill, so that’s why I wear it. I wear it when I don’t have to eat. Actually, I’ve learned to eat with my grill in.”

So she does things to piss people off and then says she does things to piss people off because that’ll piss people off and they’ll talk about her.

Madonna needs to take a seat, or as Nelly told TMZ:

“Madonna fucked up. She needs to get her shit right.”