I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Shia LaBeouf arrived at the Berlin Film Festival for a screening of his latest film, Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac, wearing a paper bag that said "I am not famous anymore."

I wish.

His appearance follows on the heels of a press conference for the film at which Shia — who was also missing a tooth — was asked one question about the multiple sex scenes in the film and said:

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much."

Um, yeah, okay. Odd, but true to LaDouche form of plagiarizing other’s works, the quote was a line from the film Looking For Eric.

The funny thing, though, is that, when he plagiarizes other people’s writings and shows up on red carpet in Bag Hats he gets more attention.

I call it Miley Cyrus Syndrome; act crazy to get all the attention and then act shocked by it.

So, Simon Cowell’s attempt to take down American Idol or The Voice and America’s Got Talent by Americanizing his UK show, The X Factor, has failed.

After a few years of judges in revolving seats, coming and going when they realize a cheap knock-off is just that, Cowell has said to have pulled the plug on the show, and focus his attention solely on the British version of X.

Except … he didn’t pull the plug, Fox did because no one was watching it.

Now Cowell has tucked his tail between his legs and gone home to England where the ex-wife of his best friend, and the woman he knocked up while she was still married to best friend, is waiting to give birth to Simon Jr.

Remember last year when Demi Moore went all crazy at Art Basel in Miami; dating teenagers and dancing in bars that have no dance floors and generally acting like A Woman On The Verge?

Well, one of her boy-toys back then was a young art dealer named Vito Schnabel. Vito and Demi were spotted all over Miami making out like schnauzers in heat but then Vito grew a little tired of Grandma Snogging and ditched Demi.

Well, now Vito has another older famous woman to snog and canoodle and snuggle and squire about town and it’s none other than Heidi Klum, who has broken up with the bodyguard she began dating after she and Seal parted ways.

It seems like the same story, except that other than Miami and Demi, it’s Vito and Heidi in Hollywood.

And our source — possibly Lohan, clubbing in LA since she’s been banned from NYC bars — says Klum was acting “like a teenager” and adds, “I guess being with a younger guy was making her act like she was in high school. She was kissing his face all over as they enjoyed drinks with friends. They hardly left the booth — they just sat next to each other, touching from the shoulder down, laughing and flirting and making out.”

I smell publicity stunt; either that or Hollywood is the place to go for the Pass-Around Guys and Girls, because it always seems like the same stars are banging the same guys and girls.

It’s like a Petri dish of STDs out there.

So, Justin Bieber …

Apparently with all his arrests and egg tossing and hooker dating, he’s decided to change his name for the rap career he’s always wanted.

According to The Bieb’s Instagram page he’s changed his name to … wait for it … Bizzle. Now, I don’t know this for a fact, but I’ve heard that Bieber has tried a rap career change before and it bombed like an egg against the side of a multi-0millioniare mansion. But, Bieber, er, Bizzle, has been Instagramming photos of himself with P. Diddy, Rick Ross, Stalley, and Jermaine Dupri.

Bizzle and Diddy. I can’t with that, but, the funny part is that Bizzle, as a rap name, has already been taken by a Christian rapper, so The Biebs has already changed his name back.

Anyway you say it, Bieber or Bizzle, it still means talentless little boy who needs a good long time out.

Perhaps in Canada?

More Biebs?

Okay … there is ALLEGEDLY a new video of Bieber during his stint in that Miami jail for being a drunk-ass, drugged up street racer, and apparently, in the video that Team Bizzle Bieber is trying to quash, the little boy is seen stumbling all over his cell and peeing himself.

And, while gosh darn it, it will never happen, folks are still praying that Bieber could get deported. They keep resurrecting the thought that Biebs will be convicted on felony vandalism charges, with immigration finding his guilty of something called “moral turpitude” which means the US might not renew his visa.

Sadly, that will not happen. Jail time, sure, one day soon, after several stints in rehab, but deportation? Nope.

So, Bruce Jenner, looking more and more like That Woman of late.

After all the hullabaloo about him wanting his Adam’s Apple shaved down — which he then denied wanting to do — he’s gone and done it. Adam’s Apple be gone. Then came the hairdo, kind of a low-rent take on an Anna Wintour bob. It’s also been ALLEGED that Jenner had a nose job, got hair plugs, another eye life, and lip injections.

But now folks aren’t saying he’s planning to transition to female, they’re just saying he’s vain.

Vain I get, but this business of trying to look like a Long Lost, Been Living In The Attic For Forty years Much Older Kardastrophe sister is just wack-a-doodle.

Mariah Carey is just an idiot. She recently gave an interview to NY Radio station Power 105′s Breakfast Club show to promote her new single, “You’re Mine (Eternal)” and, well, it went down like this:

The interview starts off with a discussion of lighting; Mariah brought her own lighting team and a hair person … to a radio show. Then they discuss her legendary tardiness, which she says she’s working on … for twenty years now. Then it gets good.

On doing Idol: She says she wouldn’t have done it for twelve million — a hint that she was paid far more than that, or else a dig at JLo who re-upped with Idol for 15 million. But then she says: 

“That was a moment in my life that I want to press ‘delete.’ I was hoping to be more of a mentor for the contestants… they chose to go another direction which was ‘reality tv.’”

Which is what it is; and she was paid to judge, not be a mentor, so she’s trying to rewrite that whole mess.

On parenting with much younger hubby Nick Cannon:

“Nick, he has fun with dem babies when they’re fun. And then when it’s like they’re interfering with other things, they go to the crib, and that’s fine.”

They don’t go to Mama, Ever?

On having twins and if she has nannies:

“Can anyone congratulate me for having twins? Imagine carrying two twins … Unfortunately I have to have nannies but I’m very hands on. I go through nannies like this [snaps fingers] and I hate to do that but I have to, because if they try to make themselves more important in the baby’s mind than me… [makes cutting motion over throat]. I just brought a girl back home with me from Puerto Rico and she’s here.”

I wonder how much she paid for that new nanny and how long before she’s out.

People find her cute, and laugh at her diva-tude, but it’s not an act. She’s a diva of the worst order; she never mentions caring for her kids; she mentions nannies doing all the work, until the nanny becomes less nanny and more mommy.

She needs to get better lighting … for her life.

So last week we talked Secret Banging Weekends between Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx and how Jamie wants to keep it on the DL so as not to piss off Tiny Tom Cruise.

Well, apparently it has made the diminutive little star unhappy. This National Enquirer — remember they broke the John Edwards cheating scandal so they do tell the truth … sometimes — says Tom is not happy at all. They claim Tommy has gone “berserk” and feels very “bitter” over his buddy bangin’ the Third Ex-Missus Beard.

I imagine those foot stomps and head snaps can be heard all over Hollywood; but not in NYC, where Jamie and Katie both are living, right now, and banging, right now.

But then, by that gathering of photos, maybe Tom's not angry that Katie's banging Jamie ... he's ALLEGEDLY jealous of Katie.