The Funny Papers

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

One surefire way to show people that same-sex marriage is no different that opposite-sex marriage is to look into a same-sex divorce, celebrity style. And I’m talkin' 'bout you, Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov.

Not a lot of folks care about this divorce, and let's be queer, it's not because they're gay it's because one's a former figure skater and one's somebody no one knows, but the stories about the pair just keep spreading; such as, tales of domestic violence, money issues, lies and betrayal.

Johnny is claiming that the divorce is happening because he's tired of paying all the bills around Chez Weir-Voronov, while Victor says the divorce came as a shock to him, though how could he be surprised when he said he'd only seen Johnny twice in two months?

But then Johnny tosses out the abuse allegations with this: 

“We were fighting in such a terrible way and it did get physical ... it’s unfortunate that things went the way that it did because domestic violence is never the way to go. The damage that was done to me mentally was crippling.”

And yet, um, Johnny, weren't you the one charged with biting Victor? In that case that was dismissed when you both showed up to court last month to ask that the charges be dropped?

Voronov’s rep Wendy Feldman says Voronov “feels duped,” by Weir, who “had the [divorce] papers drawn up a day prior to the Olympics and filed right after” so as not to besmirch his reputation — let that marinate a second — while he was commenting on ice skaters.

And then comes the news that Johnny thinks Victor is going to do something to “get back at him.”  Johnny believes Victor is trying to shake him down for money, saying Victor demanded $25,000 plus spousal support, or else he would go to the media and “tell all.” 

That oughta be juicy. But the best part of this whole mess is the email that Johnny actually sent to Victor after he filed the divorce papers, in which Johnny begged Victor not to hurt his ... wait for it ... it's spectacular ... his purses.

I know!

I guess when you sell your soul to reality TV and then your marriage falls apart because your husband can’t keep his d**k in his pants, why not sell that as a show.

Tori keeps talking about how she and Dean are trying to work on their marriage, but their idea of work isn’t quite the same as everyone else’s.

Now, to be fair, Tori's had it tough recently; I mean, her husband was out banging randoms on a daily basis and went to rehab — Banging Randoms Rehab? — for it, and she lost her retail store and admitted that she and Dean were broke. What to do? What to do?

I know! Pitch a reality show about how you’re trying to save your marriage — and call it something like Tori & Dean” Coming Back To Life … seriously — or see if you can get a spot on VH1’s Couple’s Therapy.

Yeah, nothing says this is a real marriage with real problems like trying to sell those problems to a basic cable channel.

So, Halle Berry was married a few times and divorced a few times, and then hooked up with a male model, had a baby, dumped him, fell in love with French actor Olivier Martinez, got knocked up, married him, and now it appears that that marriage is over.

Methinks Halle ought to sit out the dating and marriage game.

Halle is in Hollywood now because the Oscar winner will be shooting a TV show called Extant, with the dreamy Goran Visnjic and there is talk that Olivier thinks Halle and Goran are getting too close.

Well, that would be shocking!

And now Halle is out on red carpets everywhere doing the Let’s Ease Into The Breakup Talk Two-Step by not wearing her wedding ring. Bit, Olivier isn’t quite so subtle; he’s still wearing his ring but he’s moved out of their house.

He thinks Halle is too focused on work and losing the baby weight instead of their family, and he’d like her to join him in the relationship/marriage again. But Halle says he isn’t being civil to her — which is the same song Halle play with every guy she dates and marries then dumps — and she wants him out of the house until he can play nice.

I wonder how much help Olivier will get from Halle’s other baby daddy, Gabriel Aubrey, when he fights for custody?

While a judge ruled that Chris Brown  needs to stay locked up like the thug he is until an a hearing in late April — because he violated his probation yet again by getting the rehab boot — we all know that Chrissy don’t think the rules apply to him.

While the judge says the outcome of his upcoming DC assault case will determine just how long he’s in jail, Brown’s willing to fork out some big money to get the victim to recant his story so Chris can roam free and beat someone else up and then go back to rehab and jail.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

It seems Chrissy’s lawyer, Mark Geragos has contacted the lawyer for the man who claims Chris and his bodyguard attacked him and broke his nose, and Geragos offered a handsome payday.

If the guy accepts it, then that case is dropped, the judge in LA will have no reason to hold Chris, and quicker than you can say Ow! My nose! Chrissy’s outta jail.

But for how long, because this is Chris Brown after all, and he’ll probably beat up somebody in the prison visitor’s room on his way out the door.

Pity poor bobble-headed Giuliana Rancic. With no discernible talent, and no degree in fashion — much less a sense of it — she’s carved herself quite the little niche as an E! channel reporter and member of the The Fashion Police.

I say pity her because Rancic recently visited Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens and blasted Russell Crowe for being the worst interview ever … probably because Crowe wouldn’t talk about her dress and jewels and shoes and bag:

 “[He] was so mean to me. I had been at E! for a year, and I literally was like, ‘I’m gonna go easy because he’s pretty tough.’ And so I said, ‘Are you excited to be here tonight? Your big movie premiere?’ And he goes, ‘I’m contractually obligated to be here. What’s your next question?’ And I go ‘Um, isn’t it wonderful seeing all the fans?’ And he goes, ‘That’s your second question? 1, 2, you’re through!’ And walked away.”

Huh. Hard-hitting questions, and quite possibly the same asshatted questions Crowe had been getting all day long from everyone and this member of the Lollipop Heads asks them again as though they have never been asked before.

I’m Team Crowe on this one and not just because I’m afraid he’’ Naomi Campbell me with a phone.

Speaking of Naomi … how’s that for a segue?

The supermodeling, phone throwing, assistant beating diva, Naomi Campbell, recently paid a visit to Australia’s The Morning Show and as a member of the Vogue Covergirl Club, she was asked about the Kardastrophe that happened to Vogue this month.

Interviewer: What do you think of Kim and Kanye’s US Vogue cover, given that you have been on the cover yourself countless times?

Naomi: I do not want to comment.

Interviewer: Why?

Naomi: [literally cackling] Because I am a fashion model and I’ve been working for 28 years. When you get a Vogue cover, it’s a build in your career, it’s a stepping stone to achieve that. I’m a fashion model, so what more can I say?

Interviewer: So you think that Kim and Kanye haven’t earned the right to be on the cover of Vogue?

Naomi: Those are YOUR words. I’m being politically correct. That’s Anna Wintour’s choice to put them on the cover of her magazine. Who’s to question it?

Kylie: Well, I just did.

Naomi smiled subtly and reached for her Blackberry …

More drama in the Charlie Sheen I’m-Marrying-A-Porn-Star-Who-Hates-One-Of-My-Ex-Wives drama.

It’s been two months now since Sheen stopped paying ex-wife, and mother to two of his thirty four children … I kid, or do I, Denise Richards, the court0ordered $55,000 a month. And meanwhile, Charlie has been squiring his porn star fiancée Brett Rossi all over the globe in private jets and on lavish vacations and giving her gold plated dildoes or something to keep her occupied.

And he’s doing it because Brett told him to, because Denise doesn’t want him and Rossi to have unsupervised visits with their children.

Charlie is also trying to kick Denise out of the home she shares with her daughters, which will force them to switch schools or face an hour commute each way, but who is he really hurting? Yeah, his kids, but he’s probably too cracked up to realize that, and he ALLEGEDLY to cracked up to notice that Brett is the one holding the purse strings now.

Now, Charlie’s mouthpiece declares that Sheen has “paid child support to Denise. Your information is incorrect” but he wouldn’t comment on whether Charlie paid the 55K or two-dollars. And then another source — possibly Brett, flat on her back, heels to God — says he hasn’t paid any child support and won’t.

As I’ve said before, I cannot wait until the day the porn star gets dumped by Charlie, possibly for a sexually active Girl Scout, and she has to scratch and claw to get her 55K a month to support the 4, or 34, children she had with him.

So, Gwyneth Paltrow, perfect little Gwynnie, who created a website to tell everyone how to live the perfect Gwynnie lifestyle, is getting divorced.

Is it because she’s an unrepentant snob who thinks a $2,000 t-shirt is a must have? Is it because she’s been accused to schtupping at least two different men? Is it because Chris Martin got a look at that ALLEGED take-down piece from Vanity Fair and realized he was, in fact, married to Lucifer’s Mistress?

No one knows, because in typical Gwyneth speak the two are not separating and headed for divorce; they are … wait for it … it’s high-larious because only Gwyneth Paltrow would phrase it like this … they are Consciously Uncoupling because Separation and Divorce are for peasants!.

And in typical Goop fashion she and Martin took their children, Pomegranate and Bathsheba, to the Bahamas so they could have a Family Vacation, AKA Mommy and Daddy are Uncoupling Kids day at the beach.

That’s nice, but after the divorce, and Gwyneth can paint it in whatever pastel colors she wants, it’s still a divorce, she and Chris will be wonderfully co-parenting their children on two separate continents. See, Gwyneth wants to love in LA because in LA she thinks she’s a star, while Martin wants to move home to London where they lived for ten years until Gwyneth realized most people were like, Who’s Gwyneth Paltrow and why is she with Chris Martin?

Here’s the message Gwyneth put on her Goop website because that’s how everyone should announce to the world that they are doing the Conscious Uncoupling:

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love, 
Gwyneth & Chris”

Closer than ever? Oh, Gwynnie, even you can't spin that into the truth.

Remember last summer when we learned that Zac Efron had sent time in rehab for a drug problem? And then, after rehab, he broke his jaw, and had to have it wired, because he slipped on water in his house and not because he was as high as a kite?

Yeah, it all sounds as plausible as this story: Efron says he was attacked over the weekend by a sketchy person after he and his bodyguard got stuck in the Skid Row area of downtown Los Angeles.

Efron told police that he and the bodyguard had “run out of gas” … in Skid Row … and were “sitting in their car” … in Skid Row …  waiting for a tow truck and, while waiting, they threw a bottle out of the window of the car and it happened to smash on the pavement near a group of “transients” … in Skid Row.

The “transients,” thinking the bottle had been thrown at them, came over to the car to confront Efron and Bodyguard; the bodyguard was then attacked by two “transients’ and when Efron got out of the car to help he was punched in the mouth.

 “It was the hardest I’ve ever been hit in my life,” Zac told police.

But no one was arrested as the cops felt it was a mutual combat.

Does anyone else think it’s high-larious that a famous celebrity, fresh from rehab, just happened to be driving through Skid Row and ran out of gas and was jumped by hobos? Or, maybe there was some drug deal going down that went south and fists ALLEGEDLY flew.

This story kills me.

Joan Rivers has a web show called In Bed With Joan where she interviews all kinds of celebrities, former celebrities, and celebrity wannabes, in bed.

Well, this week she interviewed Ray J, best known for having sex with Kim Kardastrophe, and peeing on her in the process, on camera. And leave it to Joan, but she and Ray J reenacted the Kim Kardastrophe sex tape for the show and that’s when, all over the world, birds instantly fell dead from the skies as Kim Kardastrophe shrieked to the high heavens:

Kanyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And then to make it all the much worse, one Khloe Kardastrophe, who had been booked to appear on In Bed With Joan, suddenly canceled at the last minute.

Which I find high-larious because we wouldn’t even know what a Khloe Kardastrophe was if her sister hadn’t decided to f**k on camera and then let her mother, That Woman, sell it to the highest bidding porn house.

Just sayin’.

Under The Gunn Ep 11: There's No 'Real' Life!!

We begin with the designtestants back on the runway; special elimination, I thought? Natalia’s final revenge in a Dynasty Moldavian wedding kind of massacre?  No. We get strippers; bumping and grinding on the catwalk; I was as terrified as Sam, which reminds me of a story:

Years back, Carlos and I were in Key West for Pride, and followed the parade down Duval Street to its end at the pool at the now-closed Atlantic Shores. Carlos was playing in the Flamingo Freedom Band — yes, as the name suggests, it was made up of musicians who are gay — and I was standing on the sidelines listening. I noticed that during a time he wasn’t playing, Carlos took out his camera and snapped a picture of me, and then pointed to my right. I turned, and there was a naked woman, head-to-toe naked woman, at my side. And the expression on my face was the same as the one on Sam’s face last night when the stripper tried to ‘boa’ him.

Now, back to the UTG: So this is the Make A Stripper Look Like A Nun challenge? No, silly, it’s the Benefit Cosmetics Real Woman Challenge, and is introduced by Annie Ford Danielson, whose mother and aunt, founded the company and its first clients were strippers in need of nipple make-up. Luckily, they broadened their appeal or else I think they might have gone out of business. As Tim Gunn so elegantly put it, “Tips for tits.”

Anyway, Annie introduced five real women for whom the designers must create a new look.

Caught up? Or are you still imagining my face as I spied the nekkid lesbian by the pool. Uh huh, that’s what I thought, but let’s rip…..

TEAM NICK

Nick is down to one designer and if anyone thinks that means Oscar will be out this week, I have a bridge to sell you.

The good news is that since Oscar has such a definite eye on what he wants to do, and since he works so quickly, there is little mentoring for Nick to do.

OSCAR—Dani

Oscar’s gal is a petite, and by petite, I mean, teeny-tiny gal who buys most of her clothes in the child’s department and wants something a bit more age appropriate than Garanimals. Oh, and she does pageants so she wants a gown.

Oscar? Gowns? The design Gods must have planned this one. And, as happened with Oscar, he works so quickly that the other designers begin asking him if he’ll make gloves, or a hat, or a cape, or do some extra piping in all the time he has left.

At the critique, nick has no words. I kind of enjoyed that moment. But Sam pipes in with an “aging beauty queen” remark and, well … yeah.

WHAT HE SAID

I love the way she look, because she looks proportional. She looks very tall. She looks fabulous.

WHAT I SAID

She looks old. Now, not so old, but I can see this look on a Kristin Chenoweth, for the petite look, but I can also see it being rocked by Helen Mirren. Not a beauty pageant girl.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Zanna asked how old Dani was—she said twenty-three-and she said this was a dress for a forty-five-year old, though Annie Ford Danielson, at 27, said she’d wear it. Rachel loved the design and the elegance and the youthfulness [?] of it. Jen liked it, but wondered if Oscar could bring something younger out in his designs.

TEAM MONDO

Mondo has what I think of as two bets for The Tents in Sam and Asha, but they are both so different that he really needed to push them a bit this week, but kind of held back.

SAM—Norah

Sam’s client wants a body conscious, colorful dress that can go from day-to-night. Now, I don’t think Sam has done much in the Body Con Realm, so he seems a bit worried., But he does tell her that she’s “gonna get some color.”

At Mood, though, he goes for grays, and by goes, I mean struggles and struggles to pull a bolt of fabric from the shelf until — as he says, “a much stronger” — girl comes to help. Back at the workroom, he attempts another painted fabric technique on a gray textile that Mondo equates to a World War II battlefield nurse’s uniform splattered in blood.

Not a good look, even in WWII.

So, Sam scraps the entire look and goes in another direction, with other fabrics — also gray; I kept wondering if I heard wrong, but I swear both Norah and Sam talked color. Oscar calls it when he says Sam’s look looks "sad."

WHAT HE SAID

I’m ecstatic about my look. It’s absolutely fantastic. Norah looks great in it and she’s working it out.

WHAT I SAID

I am not a fan of the sleeves, which just seem too oddly large, and, again, where’s the color? I think some color might have saved this.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Guest judge, from Benefit Cosmetics, Annie Ford Danielson, doesn’t actually comment on the dress, but makes a Benefit pitch by saying their cosmetics line is about how you feel, and she thinks Norah feels good. [To be fair, Norah did like the look.] Jen Rade liked the nipped in waist, but said it was boardroom to boring. Zanna Roberts Rassi said she would never use that dress in a fashion spread for Marie Claire — which, again to be fair, wasn’t the challenge — and loved the paneling but missed the Wow! She said she’d seen it a hundred times before. Rachel Roy thought it too playful for the boardroom, and not sexy enough for the bar.

ASHA—Erin

Erin has lost fifty pounds and wants a dress to show off her new curves; plus, she has a birthday coming up and wants to celebrate with a new look. Asha says she’ll ‘Beyoncé’ the girl.

At the critique Mondo quashes every idea Asha presents: don’t make it too short or it’ll look cheap … lose the idea of a midriff cutout … less bling … dear god, less bling.

Asha gets lost in it because she cannot think of a way to give the client what she wants without making a look Mondo is sure would be messy.

WHAT SHE SAID

My model is, like, giving everybody life. She looks absolutely beautiful. This is my favorite runway ever.

WHAT I SAID

I don’t like the fabric; I don’t like the way it bunches up; I loathe the color, but Erin really brought the Beyoncé sashay!

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Annie Ford Danielson continued the benefits Cosmetics ad, and didn’t really comment of the clothes. Zanna liked that the client liked the look — which isn’t really a compliment to the designer — and Rachel Roy loved the body hugging look but called out the bad construction. Jen Rade also noted the consistently bad construction from Asha but liked that Asha had some good ideas.

TEAM ANYA

With two designers left, Anya seemed more focused on Shan. As Blake struggled with his look — and his struggles were nothing like what Shan would go through — Anya almost seemed resigned to let him fail.

SHAN—Brittany

Brittany is a single mom and wants a date night kind of look; a crop top look that doesn’t really show the skin. M’kay? So, Shan finds a very cool, kind of 60s mod sequin fabric at Mood and wants to do a crop top over high-waist pants so that Brittany gets her look, but doesn’t show skin. That top was absolutely beautiful. As Kelly Osbourne would say on Fashion Police: “Puh-fection.”

Anya loves the top, loves the idea of the whole look, think Shan will win this one but … when the client comes in to try it on, she gets overheated and needs to crouch down. I was waiting for the mad camera dash for the fallen client, but the next time we see Brittany she’s smiling and leaving the room until … she calls later to say she had an allergic reaction to the sequins — and I immediately fear she’ll never play Vegas — and cannot wear that gorgeous top.

Shan starts over. A black top, a plain black top, over black pants. But Anya points out a polka dot fabric that Tim Gunn just loathed, and suggests maybe a dress and suddenly, in the last hour or so, Shan is on to Look Three.

WHAT HE SAID

I can’t believe that Brittany actually has on a garment that I constructed in two hours! She actually likes it.

WHAT I SAID

I like it, too, though I did like the kind of tuxedo tails look it had in the workroom, before Shan sewed the two pieces together; plus, it’s a bit sheer.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Zanna called it sexy and fun and modern, if a bit too flimsy; but it did Wow! her and she loved the styling. Jen Rade wished it had been cut lower on the top and that the belt was gone, and felt it wasn’t that flattering. Rachel Roy called it modern, fresh and strong — all go-to words for Roy. Annie Ford Danielson called it unflattering.

BLAKE—Ruzena

Ruzena looks like Blake’s sister, and has the boyish figure to match. She isn’t curvy, and so she wants to look a bit more girly and flirty and fun.

But Blake picks a print and is instantly having trouble cutting it; Tim suggests it’s because he’s making the print do something it doesn’t want to do. Blake keeps twisting and turning it, and struggling with it, and finally creates a handkerchief hemmed dress that looks okay. But then for some reason he decides to fray the edges; I didn’t get it because the print — originally — was gorgeous, and the fraying just made it seem cheap. At the last fitting, he showed the client in the dress with a leather belt around her waist and I thought for a moment he might pull this one off.

WHAT HE SAID

I think she is just this beautiful creature. I am just in love with her. She looks so smoking hot in that dress.

WHAT I SAID

It looks like a mudslide down the front, and the loss of the leather belt — and adding a fabric band — makes her waist look larger, boyish, and not at all feminine and flirty.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Jen Rade liked the print, but thought it was pieced together and placed wrong on the dress. Annie Ford Danielson hated the print, but liked the femininity of the look, while Rachel Roy said if you go playful, you need to balance it with sophistication and this look was unbalanced.

WHAT HAPPENED

Obviously, Nick’s Oscar was safe; I knew it, even though his dress was fabulously crafted, yet too old.

The Top Two are Asha and Shan and I was ready to hurl a shoe at the TV if they gave it to Asha for that saggy baggy bulging mess. But they gave it to Shan for his third look of the week; it might have been very simple, but it did look fresh and modern.

Sam and Blake are in the Bottom, and, well, I was gonna hurl that other shoe is Blake wasn’t sent packing. While I wasn’t a big fan of Sam’s dress, I thought Blake’s was just a hot mess … and not in a good way.

Blake’s out.

MY TAKE

At the start of the season Blake was wound so tight. His hair slicked back and tighter than a drum, and he was very very serious. But this week, his hair is looser and he seemed a bit more relaxed. Too bad he couldn’t have shown that side to the camera because he certainly seemed a lot less uptight.

I liked this exchange:

Oscar: “My client almost cried.”

Shan: “My client almost fainted.”

So, Asha who continually called out Natalia for bad construction, and how the judges must like that, actually got the exact same feedback this week. Karma is a bitch called Natalia, Asha.

So, Oscar is still there, for Team nick, and Shan is still there for Team Anya. I think next week the Bottom Two will be Sam and Asha so that the finale will present one designer from each mentor. It’s just a guess but, I got that feeling the day the show first aired.

I’m seeing Oscar and Shan at The Tents and, after last week and this week’s messy dresses, I’m thinking Asha might find her way home and Sam will show.

What did YOU think?