The Old Mother Hubbard Lie

Remember last week when _____ played the role of Old Mother Hubbard and claimed when he went to the cupboard of PPE and medical supplies to combat COVID-19 that the cupboard had been left bare?

Well, Mother Hubbard has some ‘splaining to do, namely about this press release from the White House dated February 7, 2020:

This week the State Department has facilitated the transportation of nearly 17.8 tons of donated medical supplies to the Chinese people, including masks, gowns, gauze, respirators, and other vital materials.  These donations are a testament to the generosity of the American people.

Today, the United States government is announcing it is prepared to spend up to $100 million in existing funds to assist China and other impacted countries, both directly and through multilateral organizations, to contain and combat the novel coronavirus.  This commitment – along with the hundreds of millions generously donated by the American private sector – demonstrates strong U.S. leadership in response to the outbreak.

This assistance only adds to what the United States has done to strengthen health security programs around the world.  For the last 20 years, the United States through USAID has invested over one billion dollars to strengthen the capacity of more than 25 countries to prevent, detect, and respond to existing and emerging infectious disease threats.  

Since 2015, under our commitment to the Global Health Security Agenda (GHSA), this support has helped improve surveillance and laboratory systems, risk communication, outbreak response, and address the rising threat of anti-microbial resistance.

The United States is and will remain the world’s most generous donor. We encourage the rest of the world to match our commitment.  Working together, we can have a profound impact to contain this growing threat.

Yes, as the virus was just rearing its ugly head in America, _____ sent tons of equipment to China; as the virus was spreading he promised to spend $100 million in China to fight the battle.

He bragged in this press release about what the “United States has done to strengthen health security programs around the world” but he’d done nothing when the virus came a’caling.

When it came time to fight the virus on his home turf, he was left holding his limp, orange, mushroom-shaped dick in his hands.

That’s all; his own White House admits it.

US Department of State

The Funny Papers

Ed Hall, Darrin Bell, Adam Zyglis, Chris Britt, Steve Sack, RJ Matson, Michael de Adder, Mike Smith, Kevin Siers, Steve Benson, Benjamin Slyngstad, Mike Luckovich, Matt Wuerker, Clay Bennett

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Big Pandemic News! Oprah Winfrey cannot make her own bed.

Yup, with a crisis going on around the country, Oprah has been forced to do her own chores, and took to Instagram to complain that she didn’t know how to properly stuff a duvet into a duvet cover.

Hey O? Gimme a call. I’ll tell you how to stuff it.

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This was supposed to be Anna Wintour’s week. As always, the first Monday in May would find Anna Wintour perched atop the Metropolitan Museum of Art stairs in couture to preside over the Met gala. But then came COVID-19 and the party was shut down.

And out came former BFF André Leon Talley and his memoir, Chiffon Trenches, in which he trashes Wintour as a horrible friend and vicious human.

Now it’s Talley’s friend, designer Ralph Rucci, choosing to fan the flames on Wintour Dirt, writing on Instagram:

“[The] door has been OPENED WIDE [to criticize Wintour] … There has been so much personal evil and destruction, and now perhaps others will feel safe to speak.”

In simpler times, the very idea of bashing Nuclear Wintour would have been career suicide, but times have changed. Some industry insiders are relishing this Battle Royale because it “vindicates” those who have felt snubbed by Wintour over the years and exposes cracks in the almighty power she once[?] wielded over her fashion magazine empire.

Talley’s book was scheduled to drop this week, the week of the Met Gala, but was moved to September because of the pandemic. However, with juicy tidbits being released, and people coming forward with their tales of horror, the book will come out next week.

May is not a good month for Wintour. I think she may cancel the whole month next year. If she still wields any power.

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French Canadian musician—at least that’s what they say—Grimes gave birth to her first child, a boy, with Elon Musk. I know, who cares, right?

But remember back in the good old days when Contagion Paltrow named her daughter Apple and people freaked out? Times change … Musk and Grimes … sounds like a pandemic right there … named their little boy:

X Æ A-12 Musk.

And they’ve already picked out a therapist for the child to work through his soon-to-appear issues. First, though, they need to figure out how to pronounce it.

The state of California took one look at the birth certificate and said:

“Oh, hell no.”

You see, California state law does not allow some Xenu Scientology captcha ass mathematical equation bull. Names can only use the 26 alphabetical characters of the English language, according to the state constitution.

I suggest: XAEATWELVE, cuz that makes just as much sense.

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Elly Jackson, the lead singer of the pop act La Roux, appeared on Phil Taggart‘s podcast last March but the gossip is just now coming out because … who is Elly Jackson?

Yeah; I don’t know either, but … Elly dished on working with Republican Christian Nutcase Kanye West back in 2010, saying he’s not “100% normal” and when she told a mutual friend about his weird-ass behavior, Kanye demanded an apology letter from him.

Now, perhaps he wanted the letter because this isn’t the first time Elly has trashed Kanye. In 2014, she was first asked about working with him and said:

“No, fuck him. Nobody likes him.”

And now she’s back for more because, again, who is she? Elly and Kanye worked on his song All Of The Lights back in 2010 and also did a remix together of her song In For The Kill. She said she witnessed behavior she found “upsetting and unsettling”:

“I just saw some behavior that wasn’t directed toward me, but I saw some behavior that I can’t approve of as a human being—I can’t approve of… He’s one of those people that’s not 100% normal. He’s kind of fascinating. It’s a fascinating world to be in for, you know, like a few days. … [But] you can’t just have a normal conversation. I didn’t manage to anyway—I found it impossible. He’s on [a] show 24 hours a day, it’s just him. It’s also kind of amazing to be around. You know, I’ll never be around anything like that again. It was really strange.”

Then when Elly spoke to a mutual friend about Kanye’s weirdness, the friend ran straight to Yeezy  with the tea, and he was so insulted that he asked her to write him an apology; she did:

“I remember writing it. I was sat there on my sofa lol’ing to myself like: “Dear Kanye”.”

I would’a written just two letters: F and U.

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I always love when people I don’t know, never heard of, make the gossip news because it inspires me to think that regular folk are as fucked up as even pseudo-celebrities.

Apparently, NFL player Earl Thomas, currently of the Baltimore Ravens, is good at football  but sucks at being a faithful husband. See, while under lockdown, Earl had a spat with his wife, Nina, over his love of brown juice and left the manse with his brother, Seth, picked up some women, and had an orgy at an Airbnb in Austin.

Yes, with his brother, y’all. And before you get all Poor Nina and Team Nina on his ass, there’s more:

Nina used Snapchat to figure out where Earl went and used it to track his ass down … with a gun and two of her best girlfriends. When they arrived at the house, they “discovered Earl and Seth naked in bed with other women.” That’s when Nina pulled out the gun and put it to Earl’s head. Now, she claims to have removed the magazine—she just wanted to scare Earl—but didn’t realize there was still one bullet in the chamber. We know this because one of females involved in the orgy recorded it all on her phone … the attempted murder, I’m guessing, not the brother-brother orgy.

Earl wrestled the gun away from Nina, but not before she hit him in the face with it, but it still wasn’t over. By the time police arrived, an orgy goer with a phone, clearly the police say they observed Nina Thomas chasing a shirtless Earl Thomas around a vehicle.

One of the women, Earl’s ALLEGED mistress—he’s at an orgy with his brother and his mistress and at least one side-piece—claims Nina also threatened her and the other woman in the house, when she pointed the gun at them and shouted:

“I got something for all you ho’s!”

After speaking with everyone, police arrested Nina and both members of her posse. Nina was booked for burglary of a residence with intent to commit aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

The best part—other than Nina is required to stay 200 yards from Earl and his alleged mistress—is the recording of Earl that he posted to Instagram to get ahead pf the story before TMZ broke it, in which he says:

“Sometimes things don’t go as planned [and you get caught in a four way with your girlfriend and your brother and] stuff like this happens [when you get caught in a four way with your girlfriend and your brother.]”*

Man, lockdown is something else at the Thomas house, eh?

*My thoughts in parentheses.

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The Blah-plosion

So, I have been Blah, and as I said yesterday, Carlos, very empathetically, told me to:

“Change your mood.”

Then for that whole day, he’d ask if I was still feeling ‘blah,’ while wearing a little smirk on his face. At one point he suggested I take a walk, and I said a walk isn’t the cure, or the answer; these are feelings that I need to work through and you cannot walk or wish them away. And he said:

“Well, I’m really getting tired of the blah-sy attitude.”

Cue Blah-plosion.

I let him have it because, while the blahs are hard to explain, him saying that to me pissed me off, and mama ain’t happy when she’s pissed off. I told him, that had he come to me and said he was feeling blah, or depressed, or anxious, or worried, the first words out of my mouth would have been:

“Can I do anything to help?”

I told him it wasn’t the virus, and it was the virus; it wasn’t not going to work and it was not going to work; it wasn’t the animals, but it was; it wasn’t him but it was; it was the sunshine; it was nighttime; it was everything and nothing. It was my Dad, and my worry about him 3,000 miles away.

But what it was that pissed me off was his blasé attitude about it. There are the rare times Carlos and I actually fight, a lot of loud angry words, a lot of airing of feelings, and a lot of apologies … from his side.

I again explained that this is not something you can wish, walk, or help away; it needed to be worked through, in my way, at my pace. Again, he apologized and I told him just be a little more compassionate; I told him I know he takes everything too personally and that he felt I was angry at him because of my mood. I said:

“Twenty years and you still don’t think when I have a problem with you, I don’t tell you?”

And we kinda laughed, and let it go, and this morning, the blackness lifted a little, and so I told him maybe yelling at him was the answer.

It’s not, but hopefully he got the message, and when this happens again, and it will, though it’s a once or twice a year thing, and usually lasts about three days, he might be more understanding.

If not … I’ll yell. Maybe it’ll work again.

PS Thank you all for your kind words yesterday. They meant a lot.

I Didn't Say It ...

_____, once again deflecting blame for his administration’s horrific response to the COVID-19  pandemic:

“Well, I’ll be honest, I have a lot of things going on. We had a lot of people that refused to allow the country to be successful. They wasted a lot of time on Russia, Russia, Russia. That turned out to be a total hoax. Then they did Ukraine, Ukraine, and that was a total hoax. Then they impeached the president of the United States for absolutely no reason.”

So, he was busy? Golfing? Holding campaign rallies?

Or was it that he was busy defending himself from being a traitor to his country?

Either way, nearly 70,000 Americans died because he can’t multi-task.

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Joe Scarborough, Morning Joe, ripping into _____ after an early morning tweet from the president calling for a 2001 cold case against the MSNBC anchor to be reopened:

“I know you meant to be extraordinarily cruel to me by attacking me, by bringing up a conspiracy theory that has lived in the gutters of the internet for some time now. But just like the Seth Rich conspiracy murder that was pushed by your allies, you don’t understand the pain you cause to families who have already lost a loved one. This weekend, my god, you were supposed to have a working weekend. You got it wrong again. You said 50,000 deaths, 60,000 deaths, now you said 100,000 deaths. What did you do during your working weekend? Well, you tweeted more hateful things about colleagues of ours, you tweeted conspiracy theories about Jeffrey Epstein. Really, you have time for this? You tweeted conspiracy theories about Barack Obama. Really, you have time for this? You attacked George W. Bush for simply sending out a unifying message to give Americans hope. He said positive things about Americans, he said positive things about health care workers, he said positive things about this country. He said, ‘We choose to rise’—even that offended you. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that a man who was offended by a former president, calling all Americans of all parties together in this time of crisis, would be offended by that. Because after all, you’re the same president of the United States who celebrated the return of a murderous dictator, Kim Jong-un. Mr. President, I ask that you get checked out. Mr. President, you’re getting worse every day. You need to take a rest. You need to let Mike Pence actually run things for the next couple of weeks. And come back when you’re feeling a little better and when you can really actually focus on your job. You just can’t do that right now. And Americans are dying every day because of it.”

I think Joe nailed it, except for that whole put pence in charge thing. Pence is as scary as _____ because of his rabid evangelicalism and his rabid goose-stepping alongside _____.

PS The case _____ mentioned involved the death of an intern in Scarborough’s congressional office in 2001 and was deemed accidental.

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Nino Vitale, Ohio state Republican—because, of course—Representative, on how wearing a mask to slow the spread of the disease would violate his “Judeo-Christian Principles”:

“This is the greatest nation on earth founded on Judeo-Christian Principles. One of those principles is that we are all created in the image and likeness of God. That image is seen the most by our face. I will not wear a mask. It is time to do what Preble County did, ignore the unelected Dr. Acton’s orders, open your counties now, before it’s too late. This is not based on logic, this is based on fear and propaganda and every statistical, data driven study done in the last 2 weeks says death counts are low, the models were wrong, and this is more like the flu.”

This is what crazy sounds like. This is what stupid sounds like.

And, again, while the flu may kill 25000, that’s in a year, or roughly 68 people a day. COVID-19 is killing between 1000 and 2000 or more people every single day.

That is not the flu, asshat.

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Sean Hannity, Fox “News” asshat, on those reopening protests:

“Now, no one is a bigger defender of the Second Amendment than yours truly. Everyone has the right to protest, protect themselves, and try to get the country open. This with the militia look here and these long guns, uh, no. Show of force is dangerous. That puts our police at risk. And by the way, your message will never be heard, whoever you people are. No one should be attempting to intimidate officials with a show of force. And God forbid something happens, they’re going to go after all of us law-abiding Second Amendment people.”

I’ve a feeling Hell just froze over because Hannity makes sense.

Not about reopening because that’s just dumb, but about these terrorists masquerading as protestors.

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Don Lemon, needling _____ about his retweet of a conspiracy theory about President Barack Obama:

“What is it about President Obama that really gets under your skin? Is it because he’s smarter than you? Better educated? Made it on his own; didn’t need daddy’s help? Wife is more accomplished? Better looking? I don’t know, what is it? What is it about him? That he’s a black man that’s accomplished, became president? That he punked you on the whole birth certificate thing? What is it about him? Just wondering…”

It’s all of that, and the fact that _____ needs a racist base to boost his ego.

PS The conspiracy is that Obama was behind the investigation into Russia.

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Larry Kudlow, White House economic adviser, defending his asshatted assertion in late February that the coronavirus pandemic had been contained “pretty close to airtight”:

“Well, look, Jake, for the umpteenth time I will say, my quote then was based on the actual facts—which at the time there were only 40 or 50 cases and it was contained—particularly after President _____ boldly put up travel restrictions with China. I didn’t make a forecast …  I don’t want to get in and play this game, who said what and when. My quote was at that time, there were very few cases. Then, as the virus spread exponentially in ways that virtually no one could have predicted, of course we changed our mind.”

You said it was contained … and then 65000+ Americans died you ignorant fuckmonkey.

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Denis Finnegan, an  Irish athlete and 10-time national track and field champion, has come out as gay:

“For younger people it will hopefully give them more confidence in what they’re doing. There are still people who are scared or unsure of what’s happening, so I hope just telling my story might help one person notice there’s more acceptance out there. [Track and field]  was always my favorite sport, it was always the sport that was the one that was the most open. I’d be training with girls, I’d be training with guys, and I think that did help a bit. I was never worried about any kind of comments on the track … It’s all a process; there’s no perfect timeline … it’s all whenever you are ready and it’s all whenever you’re ready to tell certain people. … While you’re competing all those years, [coming out] was just never to the forefront of my mind that this was something I needed to do, and I think the older I get the more I realized that actually no, it’s just very important that actually we do get it out there. It’s about using the platform when I can to show that this is out there, that I’m out there, and that hopefully just helps someone out there.”

I have always said that anyone who comes out helps someone else take that step, whether in the public eye or in the workplace or in your own neighborhood.

Coming out helps us all. And so, please accept as our gift from HOMO HQ The Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™ and a copy of the Gay Agenda.

Welcome out.

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Bobservations

Today is not a fun Carlos story. Sorry.

I am generally an optimistic person, but every so often—and by that, I mean maybe twice a year—I get down; I get what I call The Blahs. There’s no explanation; no one did anything; it’s just blah.

Yesterday was blah, and as such, I was extremely quiet. And after breakfast, I took a four-hour nap. Carlos asks if I’m okay, and all I can say is ‘Fine.’

Fine. Fine is blah. At dinner, I apologized for the blah-ness and he asked what was wrong, and I said, everything and nothing; it’s not working; it’s staying home; it’s the virus; it’s the rain. Everything. Nothing.

And he looked at me and said:

“Choose to change your mood.”

Sadly, you can’t change from Blah in a snap, you have to, like a virus sometimes, let it run its course.

As  always happens, Tuxedo and I are on the same page, though, yeah, I’ll wait until it’s safe.

Yaron Oren-Pines, an electrical engineer from Silicon Valley, got a $69 million contract to produce ventilators after tweeting to  _____  last month:

“We can supply ICU Ventilators, invasive and noninvasive. Have someone call me URGENT.”

But Oren-Pines took the money and never delivered any of the 1,450 ventilators ordered by the state of New York.

There’s a special place in Hell for people like, as there should be a special place in prison, too.

Now for some Good News … Ohio Republican Representative Candice Keller, who believes “transgender, homosexual marriage, and drag queen advocates” are at fault for mass shootings in this country, got her ignorant ass handed to her in the primary race for a state senate seat.

Bye Bitch.

More Good news … and also from Ohio … Charmaine McGuffey, an Ohio police officer  got her revenge on her former boss, _____-supporting Democrat Jim Neil, who fired her for being gay, by beating Neil in the race for his own office.

Bye Other Bitch.

Georgia state health officials confirmed an additional 1,000 new cases of the coronavirus during the state’s first day of reopening.

No one, least of all Georgia’s idiot governor, Brian Kemp—who opened bowling alleys and nail salons first—saw this coming.

Vice President Michael Elizabeth Pence finally admitted during a Fox “News” town hall Sunday night that he should have worn a mask when visiting the Mayo Clinic last week—a move that violated the clinic's policy and sparked widespread backlash.

Dipshit, as my Dad would say.

_____ says the coronavirus task force will wind down the operation in the weeks to come despite growing evidence that the crisis is raging on.

Oh, wait. No, that’s all changed because it looks politically bad to shut down the task force while thousands of Americans die every day, so, _____ walked it back.

But what wasn’t walked back was that while _____ toured a Honeywell factory in Arizona that has been converted to produce N95 face over the loudspeakers they played Guns N’ Roses’ cover of “Live And Let Die”.

That’s how the _____ administration feels about Americans dying in a pandemic.

Oh well … Dead Americans.

Nearly half of the employees of a Utah County business tested positive for COVID-19 after the business instructed employees to not follow quarantine guidelines and required staff who had tested positive to report to work, according to a written statement from county executives.

It’s almost like the real virus is stupidity.

Lastly, and thankfully, Portuguese model Mauro Lopes, who has a face for days.

He looks hot, and fun, in cool blue suits; and just plain hot in blue jeans.

And even better, he likes to wear even less. I wonder if that’s a hammock for two?

Just sayin’.