A Grammy Rant ... Or, A Granty, If You Will

LL? May I call you LL? Cool? J? Why the hat? Why? And why lick your lips every couple of seconds. I don’t get it. And the near-shouting you do when you speak. I don’t get it. You’re a hot man but the hat and the tongue and the yelling? No, honey, no. You're a congenial host, and a big beefy feast for the eyes, but let's reopen that bag of tricks and try something new, m'kay?

Sam Smith was a big winner last night, though, yeah, I am annoyed with him. When he first came on the scene with this record, he downplayed the ‘gay’ thing—he didn’t wanna be the gay spokesman, though I don’t know who, if anyone, asked him—and yet now he’s riding the ‘gay’ thing for all it’s worth. Plus, I get a big Boy George vibe from him so, yeah, there’s that too. 

But, but, hearing Sam Smith sing with the truly amazing Mary J. Blige kinda made up for it, though the use of table lamps as a set piece eerily echoed Adele’s set on her royal Albert Hall performance DVD, making it seem like Sam wants to be the ‘new’ Adele; he can’t.

Gosh, I love Jessie J. She's a hot sexy British girl who can sing — something lacking in the show last night ... cough cough ... Madonna. 

And I cannot believe that Tom Jones, who really rocks the Hot Grampa look, can still belt out a tune! They were actually good, though in a creepy I dating my grandfather kinda way.

Pharrell wins for Best Pop Solo Performance for ‘Happy’ and i couldn't help but think, Why? Didn’t that song come out like three years back? It feels like it. 

But Pharrell is rocking the Little Boy Shorts, and not the Mounties Hat, though he returned later to sing Happy in a new, gospel meets classical way, looking like a bellhop. M’kay.

Juanes is hot, singing in Spanish while wearing tight jeans ... what more could a boy who loves the Latino man ask for?. Él es tan caliente. 

And then you throw in some Dierks Bentley, and add a little New England Patriots Malcolm Butler and Julian Edelman, and the night got a little bit hotter.

Just sayin’. 

Kanye gets two tries at performing, and the first was kinda Meh. His voice was so badly manipulated that he sounded off-key and just sad. The second performance, with Rihanna and Paul McCartney, was better though Rihanna definitely stole it from, him. But then he went Krazy again and tried to walk up onstage when Beck won to say Beyoncé should ‘a won; that same old trick. He tried to play it off like a joke, but then was quoted as saying Beyoncé is better than Beck and Beck needs to respect the artistry of Beyoncé though Kanye West doesn’t feel the need to respect anyone’s artistry. He’s a talentless dick, with a supersized ego, who needs to remove his lips from Beyoncé’s ass and should be muzzled and chained.

Prince comes out and again the crowd goes while, though all I can think is that his hair is looking a little old lady.

And he's dressed like an Orange-sicle.

I'm getting a very ‘Golden Girls’ vibe from him. He’s the African-American Rose Nyland. Or, maybe Dorothy Zbornak, rocking that sneer!

Madonna. 

What can I say? The guys were hot, the song was not. But I guess toreador is her new look until this album fades … more … from site. The singing was so-so and the dancing—at least from her—was spotty, as I saw on more than one occasion how the male dancers helped her stand up. Madonna, aging gracefully … not. 

Sia’s ‘performance’ was interesting, though why she had Shia LaBeouf come out and read a poem beforehand was weird; just as weird as why she faced the wall the entire time. Kudos, though, to Kristen Wiig; who knew she could dance like that?

Beck is such a Pocket Man; put him in a shirt pocket, a man purse, or backpack, and you’re good to go. 

He was also a big winner, with a couple of Grammys to take home. But he was also a drab, sad song singer last night; his performance Chris Martin ... about ten seconds in I thought, What a beautiful song. Twenty seconds in I thought, Is it over yet?

Ed Sheeran gave one of the drabbest performances of the night before he teamed up with ELO. But there was a lot of drab and morose and moronic music. Gaga with Tony Bennett looked like a manic Chihuahua in sequins and a blond wig, scurrying about the stage shaking her ass. But, hey, at least, unlike Madonna, she can still sing.

And I get so annoyed with Taylor Swift ... for pretty much everything. The best thing about last night was her not winning, and the worst thing about last night was her standing up and dancing all through the show, and then checking to see if she’s on camera. 

Shades of Oprah. Plus, from certain angles, it looks like she’s got The Snaggle Tooth.

Adam Levine looks so better with his tattoos covered, and Gwen Stefani really should’a rocked that red dress on the carpet. 

That was the best thing about their sad song—her dress and his face.

Hozier singing ‘Take Me To Church.’ Finally a good song that says something and makes a point, and just when  I decided it would be the best performance of the night, freaking Annie Lennox joins him to finish up, and then takes over with ‘I Put A Spell On You.’ 

I’ll say it: Annie Lennox rules.

Brooke Axtell, a survivor of human trafficking and domestic violence, gave a beautiful speech; almost poetic. 

But, how that one true moment shape-shifted into Katy Perry, off the tiger for now, and really well-known for shooting fireworks off her breasts, singing about domestic violence was one of the worst segues I have ever seen.

A few days ago she was bounding like a cheerleader and beach babe and now she’s playing all somber. Katy knows how to milk the attention. They should have let Brooke’s speech stand on its own.

Usher gets to sing a Stevie Wonder tune, and then escorts Stevie out to play the harmonica? Hey, Grammy people? If you have the ‘real deal’; backstage, why you gotta give me Usher? 

And then, why, for the love of Motown, why, when Stevie presents with Jamie Foxx, does Jamie slips into his black glasses for an oh-so-not-funny riff on blind people. Ouch.

I understand CBS will be airing some kind of Stevie Wonder tribute show in a few weeks, but they treated him like a cast-off last night.

It's Stevie Wonder, people! Respect.

We are near the end when GOOP shows up—looking a little worse for wear … maybe when they were ‘steam cleaning’ her cooch … Google it … some of the steam ruined the hair on her head, too—to introduce us to her “friend’ Beyoncé, who sings a gospel tune with her tits out.

Luckily, it was a short performance and the show ended with John Legend and Common singing their song from Selma. Greta tune, and, gawd, Common is hot.

So, there you have it, my Grammy Rant, er, my Granty, if you will.

What did YOU think?

Grammy Fashions: Highs, Lows, Rihanna ... Donald Glover

THE BEST OF THE BEST

There was a lot of sheer last night—proving lots of glimpses into underwear choice—and some did it okay, and some did it not so good.

But Jessie J really showed how it needs to be done. Sleek and sexy and feminine but not at all trashy.

THE REST OF THE BEST

Ciara in couture. Not everyone could put this off — and I imagine not everyone could put this on — but if you’re gonna bring haute couture to the Grammys, this is how it’s done.

Gwen Stefani finally decided to stop dressing like a schoolgirl and wore a little fun.  That Funhouse bodice could have gone oh so wrong, making her boobs look oddly shaped, but it works.

THE GOOD

Miley? Miley Cyrus? Yup, because she decided not to go utterly white trash, and she apparently kept her tongue in her mouth, and channeled her inner Sharon Stone.

Nicki Minaj gets points for keeping those girls up and fluffed. I imagine there was some major infrastructure in that dress and yards of double-stick tape. But Nicki looks subtle, for Nicki.

THE MEH

Bobble-headed Ariana Grande always looks like she’s playing dress-up at these shows. Plus, seeing her interviewed by Ryan Seacrest when he’s standing to her left and yet she tries to keep her face pointing right to show off the left profile was high-larious.

Beyoncé. Or, should I call her Be-yawn-ce. Another black sheer dress and, well, get your phone out Bey and take a shot of Jessie J so you’ll know how it’s done when you do it … again.

Jennifer Hudson. God, I loves me some JHud but this is more like dinner out, not the Grammys. That girl is so hot, so striking, she could have rocked some fabulous, but instead she chose to play it safe.

Taylor Swift. I hate long skirts over mini-skirts. I hate the color, the fabric, the clunky shoes, the frozen hair, and that Kewpie Doll face. It’s all Meh, all the time.

THE CLASSIC

Annie Lennox, proving you don’t need sheer or sparkles or hats or clunky shoos or ginormous boobs to look amazing.

THE HAIR DON’TS

Iggy Azalea looks okay in the dress, but that braid around her head looks like a basket I’d serve dinner rolls in at Thanksgiving. And since I haven’t seen that basket since last Turkey Day … ?

Katharine McPhee in a dress that completely washes her out and, well, let me explain her hair with a story: years back while tending bar, I worked at a place that had a popcorn machine, and the cocktails waitresses had to clean it and restock it every night. One night, Maria was doing the job, and someone bumped her and the bottle of oil atop the popcorn machine tipped over and drizzled oil all over her head. That’s McPhee last night.

GRAMMY GRANDMAS

Katie Perry. Sure, the lavender hair looks new and modern, but the dress, while clingy and a bit sheer, says old Hollywood glamour, like Joan Crawford done up like Broderick Crawford in drag.

Gaga. Yes, we know, you did an album of standards with Tony Bennett, but do you have to dress like an old standard? Where’s the beef? Or the egg dress? And what’s with the pose to show off the perky girls? Try.Too.Hard.

THE WORST

Kat Graham in a dress inspired by The Swim of the Sperm … away from The Egg.

Charli XCX. For some reason I’m getting Prince from this outfit and I don’t know why.

Rita Ora. She almost slipped into the Grandma category with this Joey Heatherton looking knocking, but, well, Joey never looked like a Grandma.

Zendaya. She’s a year or so late to the ‘new’ pixie cut, but all I can think when I see this is the bedspread at a Motel 6. It’s that bad.

THE WORST OF THE WORST

Kim Kardashian looks like she’s a boxer entering the ring at a prize fight. And she stuffed her boxing gloves in her top.

Madonna; still playing Desperately Seeking … Attention. Some called it “toreador,” but I call it “bor-eador.”

WTF

Unless you’re 87 months pregnant, or your dress is made of cupcakes and Hostess sno-cones, there is no excuse for this mess. I heard she needed three seats for the dress, but that it made a great dessert bar.

THE MEN

Juanes. I always include Juanes because he’s hot and Latin and because, since I met him in Miami years ago, he’s also very nice.

Ed Sheeran looking like a waiter just after his shift who snuck too many shots at the bar during work hours.

Hozier. He’s new — and I love his song ‘Take Me To Church’ — so he makes the list as the kind of anti-Grammy goer.

Sam Smith. Big winner in skinny jean pants. Stop. Stop it now.

THE MEN—Special Mention

Nick Jonas in a too-tight suit is a Red Bow-Tie away from being Pee Wee Herman. That is all.

THE MEN—Hotness Alert

Donald Glover. I have no idea who he is but he certainly piqued my interest last night. A Google search reveals he is an actor, writer, comedian, rapper, singer, and producer who also goes by the name Childish Gambino. Yeah, he’s hot.

BEST COUPLE

Once again it the Burtka-Harris’ — David and Neil Patrick. I used to be of a mind that David was lucky to be with Neil, but after seeing David in the AHS: Freak Show finale, and seeing him here, maybe NPH is the lucky one? Oh hell, they’re both lucky. Cute and gay and married.

The Funny Papers

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Y’all remember when LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian started schtupping while co-starring in a LameTime, er, Lifetime movie? They kept it quiet for awhile, until they showed up at a cheesy restaurant in Venice Beach where the paparazzi snapped them holding hands over a plate of chili fries and then all hell broke loose; and by “all hell,” I mean Eddie’s wife-at-the-time, Brandi Glanville.

But one person you didn’t hear from was LeAnn’s husband-at-the-time, Dean Sheremet. He kept himself on the Down Low — and not just because some folks assumed he was gay — and quietly accepted his settlement, er, Go Away check. He moved on to La Grande Apple, enrolled in culinary school and became a chef with a brand new second wife to call his own. But now, he’s ALLEGEDLY ready to talk about Life With LeAnn and has written a book about his marriage to the country crooning cheater.

A source — and, yeah, it’s probably Brandi — says Dean “has received multiple big-money offers from publishers and is deciding who to go with.” And based on their history — remember, she banged Serial Banger Cibrian about ten minutes after meeting him — this won’t paint LeAnn in a good light. Sources say she treated Dean like garbage, never showed any remorse for schtupping her married co-star, and though she gave him some spare change when they divorced, there was never any kind of signed Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Cue Julia Roberts in Pretty Women: “Big mistake. Huge!”

When we last left Lohan it appeared she’d made good on her probation by completing her community service from her arrest for … well, I forget; it was either drugs or drink or jewel theft or kidnapping. But now, Terry White, the prosecutor in her case, is calling bullshiz on the “service” and wants her to do it again or go directly to jail.

White says that London’s community service organization let Lohan do ridiculous things — like getting credit for 18 hours worth of service for meeting and greeting fans after her London play and not stealing their jewelry or running them over with her car — to fulfill her obligation. He also says she was credited with 70 hours for allowing young people to follow her around and carry her bags and her special bottles of “water.” 

He says Lohan had an obligation to inform the court of the types of community service she was doing and says she’s manipulated the system and should do jail time for not completing legitimate community service.

Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, told the judge her client merely did what she was told to do by the community service organization, which may have sounded something like this:

Community Service Organization to Criminal Lohan: “Say Hello at the theater door, and let some kids follow you around and you’re done, m’kay?”

I want that kinda community service when I’m found guilty of reckless driving, kidnapping and jewel theft. I mean, c’mon, even Chris Brown had to scrub toilets ...

So … Sean Penn is a pig, but soon he may be Charlize Theron’s pig.

Y’all know that Penn was married to Madonna for a hot minute, and then was married to Robin Wright for about fifteen years? Well, those don’t count in Penn’s mind, apparently, because he says he believes that, if he marries Theron, it would be his first marriage:

“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”

I’m guessing both Madonna and Robin would like to forget they were ever married to Penn, too. But then Penn goes on to say that he’s “very friendly with my first ex-wife [and] on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”

So, he’s cool with Madonna, and is on ‘good terms’ with his children from his second wife?

What a lovely man, but, like I said, he Theron’s pig now.

Emile Hirsch doesn’t get much play in the Gossip World, so maybe that’s why he’s suddenly turned up the Douchenozzle.

At the Sundance Film Festival last winter, Hirsch ALLEGEDLY got physical with a female Paramount Pictures executive at a club, which ended up with the police being called, and here’s what happened:

At 3:30AM one Sunday morning at Tao Nightclub, Emile, in town to promote his film Ten Thousand Saints, was apparently drunk as hell and started “aggressively picking on” Paramount exec Dani Bernfeld. A source — and if Lohan wasn’t drunk in London., I’d swear this has her fingerprints all over it — says Emile suddenly snapped, and “pushed Dani up against a table, and then he put her in a headlock. 

Eventually the police were called and Emile ALLEGEDLY calmly explained the situation and wasn’t arrested, though Park City police are currently investigating the incident and deciding if charges should be filed.

Hmm, drunk and choking a woman in a bar and you need to ‘think’ about it? Sounds like Emile is channeling his Inner Lohan.

Let’s talk Sherri Shepherd again.

Remember when she was on The View and every time she voiced her opinion it was cloaked in Bible verses or something the Baby Jeebus told her over biscuits or something?

Well, Sherri is no longer playing the part of Good Christian Woman. You remember that she and her husband Lamar Sally broke up last year, and she accused him of being a gold digger who tricked her into a surrogacy situation so he’d had a lifetime of settlement checks coming his way, right? And then Sherri not only walked away from Sally but she also turned her back on her unborn baby and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the kid; ever!

It got uglier when Lamar sued Sherri for spousal and child support, but now the ugly is real bad because Jessica Bartholomew, the surrogate who carried Sherri and Lamar’s baby, is being hit up for child support.

Bartholomew went on Inside Edition to talk about how disgusted she is that Sherri skipped out on her baby. Jessica says that at the beginning of her pregnancy, Sherri called her regularly and seemed excited about the kid, but when the news broke that Sheri and Lamar were done, Jessica never heard from her again. And when the child was born — Little Lamar Jr. — Jessica had to put her name on the birth certificate as the mother since Sherri backed out.

Lamar now has full custody of the child and filed for Medi-Cal because he can’t afford health insurance on his own; and when he filed for Medi-Cal, the state of California went after Jessica for child support.

Sherri Shepherd is somewhere sipping the Kool-Aid and talking about the Baby Jeebus and what a good Christian woman she is … until the man downstairs comes a’calling.

But Jessica need not worry; I bet Lifetime or TLC or WE … or maybe even Bravo — you know they’re doing "scripted” shows now — would love to tell The Sherri Shepherd Story and would deposit a butt-load of cash in Jessica’s bank account.

Everyone wins except that Little Boy.

If you’re a has-been actress, more well-known for jail time and courtroom appearances than film roles and awards show appearances, what do you do if you need some cash? And if your mother is a woman who hasn’t worked since she whored you out as an actress when you were two, what does she do when she needs some dough?

Well, if you’re a Lohan — Dina and Lindsay — you sue Fox News because one of Sean Hannity’s guests said on air that you do drugs together. Yup, those crack-y Lohan’s are suing Fox News Channel and Sean Hannity claiming they were publicly shamed when someone on Hannity’s show claimed the mother and daughter train-wrecks snorted coke together. Their lawsuit ALLEGES that there was a discussion on the show about celebrity drug use, and recently deceased celebs — like Philip Seymour Hoffman — and the panel discussed who might be next.

Michelle Fields said, “Lindsay Lohan’s mom is doing cocaine with her” — insinuating Lindsay would be the next to go.

Lindsay says that’s insane, though she’s admitted to her own cocaine problems; and she also claimed Dina was on a cocaine binge during an hysterical call she made to her dad in 2012. Mother and daughter say Fields’ claims are “a direct smear on the character/reputation of Lindsay and Dina.”

Now that’s funny. But how are the Lohan’s going to prove their claim? Oh, yeah, because everyone knows that when Lindsay does coke she doesn’t share.

Not Guilty!

Last week, Lance Armstrong said, given the chance, he’d still dope before getting on his bike for a race. But I think he misspoke, I think he meant to say he’s still a giant dope, i.e. loser asshat.

See, it appears that Lance cheated his way out of hit-and-run charges over the Christmas holidays. He was in Aspen with his girlfriend — and baby mama to two of the five Armstrong offspring — Anna Hansen.

After partying hard one night, Lance ALLEGEDLY hit two parked cars, but rather than taking it like a man, he let Anna take the fall, and it went like this:

At first, after the collisions, plural, Anna Hansen told police that she had been driving home from a party when she lost control of Armstrong’s SUV.

Then she said, well, after a valet came forward and said he handed the keys to the car to Armstrong, who drove off that night, that Armstrong was driving, but they decided to let her take the blame.

They. Lance Armstrong. American Hero Zero. 

Sadly, he can’t be charged with being a drunk driver because he wasn’t tested at the scene since he and his girlfriend lied, but he will be charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Still doping, eh, Lance.

We often hear about Paris Hilton — though not so much these days because she’s irrelevant — and we sometimes hear about Nicky Hilton — though only in conjunction with Paris — but we rarely hear about baby brother Conrad.

Until now … Conrad, just 20-years-old already has a criminal record; he was charged with DUI in 2012, for alcohol and pot, and was put on probation, which he effed up by getting high again.

Now he’s back at it. Conrad was arrested in LA for ALLEGEDLY going insane on an international flight last summer and attacking the flight attendants. According to officials, multiple witnesses on the plane say Hilton went berserk on that flight and began screaming and threatening flight attendants:

“If you wanna square up to me bro, then bring it and I will f–king fight you.”

“I am going to f–king kill you.”

“I will f–king rip through you.”

“I will f–king own anyone on this flight; they are f–king peasants.”

“I could get you all fired in 5 minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before.”

Witnesses say Conrad then began punching the bulkhead of the plane, inches from a flight attendant’s face before, oddly enough, deciding to take a nap. That when the captain authorized crew members to handcuff him to his seat for the remainder of the flight.

Hilton has admitted to taking a sleeping pill before the flight. His lawyer, Robert Shapiro — yes, that Robert Shapiro — confirms Conrad took a sleeping pill and wasn’t himself, adding that there are numerous news reports of people experiencing adverse effects, including aggressive outbursts after taking those pills.

Or maybe it’s just self-entitled spoiled drunk and drugging rich kids who experience the side effects.