Saturday, February 06, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Trouble at Casa de Lohan? Well, maybe so after Lindsey Lohan lashed out at her mom, Dina, in a since deleted Instagram post which read:
“@dinalohan … Sometimes it sucks when your mom isn’t there for you.”
And the accompanying photo of a woman dropping a cell phone with the words “We’re done” written across it.

Perhaps this is all due to Lindsay’s latest public kerfuffle at VBar in Greenwich Village last month when the “actress” — I know, it’s still funny … “actress’ — ALLEGEDLY spewed racist remarks to a bartender right before spitting in his face.

Look, maybe it went down like this, Lindsay went nuts at a bar — how big of a stretch is that? — and then she called her mom to fix it all for her, but Dina had already crawled into a box of Chardonnay for the night — how big of a stretch is that?

Dina and Lindsay will be fine, and will be up and partying and brawling and stealing and slurring and lying again real soon.

Last week the Broadway show “A View From the Bridge” was halted suddenly when a male audience member LITERALLY fainted at the sight of actor Russell Tovey taking off his shirt.

Seriously. A call went out for a doctor in the house, and three audience members tended to the unidentified man until EMTs arrived to take him to a nearby hospital.

The next day Tovey received a Tweet from the faint-hearted audience member apologizing if he “disturbed the performance.”

Mama always told me to apologize when I faint at the sight of a hot man.

Diva-fight! Diva-fight! Diva-fight!

As you might recall, back in December Patti LaBelle made a Sweet Potato Pie that broke the Internet after someone posted a video praising Patti’s, um, Pie. People went crazy and stripped every single Wal-Mart shelf bare just to get one.

And that ALLEGEDLY didn’t sit well with Aretha Franklin because now she’s launched a yet-to-be titled food line of her own that features Aretha’s chili, gumbo and baked chicken along with desserts … like, maybe, a Sweet Tater pie? Aretha told Detroit’s Channel 4 that while she hasn’t personally tasted Patti’s, um, pies, that:
“Ms. Patti’s gonna have to move that pie to the side!” 
Oh, the shade of it all. Now, she’ll staunchly deny any issues with Patti — which is good lest Lady Marmalade come after you with a water bottle — but all Aretha needs to find her chili recipe and do just that.

Leave the pies to Patti. Don’t start Pie Wars! Not again!

Rob Kardastrophe’s new piece — who is the old piece of Rob’s half-sister’s new piece — Blac Chyna was arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport after ALLEGEDLY causing a drunken scene on a flight from LA.

It seems Blac Chyna — real name Angela Renee White — was headed over to London and had a layover in Austin, but was, again ALLEGEDLY, such a booze-addled mess on the flight that the crew called the police who waited at the gate for Blac to appear.

When Blac Chyna got off the plane, she called an airline employee a “nasty bitch” and tried to make a mad dash for her connecting flight but the police nabbed her, cuffed her, and arrested her and found she had 1 gram of, um, something on her and so they added drug possession to the charges.

And so Rob Kardastrophe made his own mad dash to Austin to bail out his girl, but the kicker is that he drove to Austin. Isn’t he still a Kardastrophe? So why did he drive?

Couldn’t he have trampolined off’a Kim’s ass or couldn’t he have asked That Woman to borrow her broom?

Bobby Flay’s love life is as messy as a Top Chef Kitchen after a Quickfire, and it appears the chances of it getting messier are improving.

Since Stephanie March divorced Flay, he is now back on the market and since messy people attract other messy people, he is ALLEGEDLY dating Chelsea Handler.

I know. When this thing implodes — and it will because Flay ALLEGEDLY cannot keep it in his pants — there will be a Handler explosion so loud … and followed by a new Handler streaming special, Flaying Flay.

And speaking of messy relationships … Chris Brown and his baby mama, Nia Guzman, are battling it out again.

It all began when Nia announced that their daughter Royalty has asthma and then accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed — You.Don’t.Say — and cigarettes more than their child and is constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke, so now she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.

Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to do; she is also, coincidentally, asking for more coins, and wants her child support raised from $2500 a month to $16,000 a month. And this isn't the first time Nia’s gone to court to use her child to score a payday; last summer she also argued for an increase of $12,500 a month but was dee-nied.

Chris, who wants to keep his coins for weed and smokes … ALLEGEDLY … released a statement of his own on Instagram, of course, which has since been yanked down, naturally, in which he says he quit smoking “cigarettes” on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter.

Notice he didn’t mention the weed? Uh huh.

I have some advice for Chris: lay off the weed and the smokes and get your life together because you have a child, a daughter, and do you want her growing up and ending up like you?

I also have advice for Nia: if you want more coins quit coming up with these sad sack requests; simply tell the judge that Royalty has Chris Brown for a father and the vault will open.

I’m not surprised that Taylor Swift has a private plane … she probably can’t poo on a commercial flight … but I am stunned to hear that she has two private planes … one for flying, and one that follows behind and lands whenever Tay Tay has to poo.

Or something. And I’m not surprised that she is ALLEGED to have outfitted her aircraft with cashmere seat covers and a massage table and a high-altitude attitude with lots of demands for the minions who cart her around … according to a source—and it could be Lohan who’s taken a job as a flight-attendant:
“Taylor seems to make demands just for the sake of it. She insists her napkins and forks are at perfect 90-degree angles, one inch from the plate. The staff will do everything they can to ensure they have the exact foods she’s requested, but then she’ll change her mind after takeoff and it’s too late.”
Unless that second plane following behind is also carrying some extra food in case Little Miss Sunshine opts for Chicken Fingers instead of Spaghetti-O’s.

I always assumed Beyoncé’s management team was a CIA Black-Ops group, or perhaps Seal Team Six who only spoke on burner phones from a dark alley in Calcutta, or surfaced on the Dark Net to communicate with Her majesty, but apparently not because Beyoncé has announced that she has fired her entire management team … all real people, all on the unemployment line now.

Beyoncé has given the boot to her manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to someone called Steve Pamon; she even gave the heave-ho to her own cousin, AKA her Executive Weave-And-Wind-Machine-ologist, and to the team of eighty-five men and women who had one job and one job only: Photoshop her thighs.

Beyoncé basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, and hired fresh so she can surround herself with people who will take her to the next level … meaning fatter paychecks, bigger hair, smaller outfits, hurricane wind machines … bit no real new music or talent.

A newly-hired Beyoncé rep commented on Beyoncé’s mass firing:
“Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”
Repositioned? Going from manager to nail girl?

And who was reawakened? The vampire who owns Beyoncé’s soul?


anne marie in philly said...

self-important, selfish, self-entitled trash; ALL of it!

Helen Lashbrook said...

Awakened to new interests? What a load of gobbledook, hire someone who can write a press release next time.

the dogs' mother said...

An extra snarky Snarkaday!

Blobby said...

Russell Tovey is nice and all, but maybe - just maybe - he fainted at the sight of Mark Strong. I would have.

Mistress Maddie said...

If Patti and Aretha get into it, wouldn't it be known as Battle of the Bulge? Meanwhile the Lohans. What a beastly bunch of monsters. How they make it day to day boggles my mind. If I was in there shoes, id be waiting for the blessed release of life. But then again, I hear there not wanted upstairs....or down.