Why Is It ...

… that as I get older I no longer dislike Mondays … I dislike the whole week.

… that I used to fall asleep and lay in one position the entire night. Now I rotate like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or a hip hurts.

… that when people say, ‘Bob you are out of fucking control,’ I hear ‘Bob, you are such a free spirit.’

… that more often than not I find out without even getting the chance to fuck around.

… that people need constant reminding that no matter how they feel about me, there’s nothing they can do.

… that after work I was so excited to get that raise. I mean, it was in medication dosage, but I’ll take any win I can get.

… that some people think I have no self control. I have actually cooked meals for men I should have poisoned but didn’t.

… that people need to learn that I may not put the sparkle in their eyes, but I will put the WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I think the best way to get over somebody is with your car.

… that people don’t realize my social media posts are not targeted at anyone in particular, but if you feel offended I’m glad I could reach one person.