It's Snarkurday!

Remember Mischa Barton? Me neither, but apparently she was a big deal back in the 90s for, literally, a minute.

Nowadays she’s a big deal in courtroom. Last March Barton ran afoul of the law, though not for the usual celebrity mess, but because she has crashed a rented U-Haul into the side of a West Hollywood apartment complex and the homeowner’s association sued her for $27,000 in damages. Well, now it looks like U-Haul wants some coins, too, because they are hauling—see what I did there—Mischa to court over the damages to their vehicle.

Here’s the details on the crash: after running their rented truck into a building Barton and her boyfriend, her now ex-boyfriend whom she has accused of stalking her, Adam Spaw, fled the scene, leaving the truck and all of their belongings inside.

They then denied they crashed the U-Haul into the building—even though there is video evidence—and ran because …because …yeah, there is no because. So, U-Haul took possession of everything in the truck and put it in storage. Mischa then tried to claim her items that she abandoned in the truck that she crashed, and U-Haul is saying they’re gonna sell all her stuff—and I imagine it’s a boatload of bad fashion choices and empty baggies—unless she pays the damages to their truck, to the tune of $5,827.65.

I can’t imagine Mischa Barton shiz is worth more than $58.27.

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In Kanye’s West’s book, declaring slavery a choice and writing a song about boning your wife’s sisters are just fine. But other guys talking about boning your wife is not.

This week Kanye took on the ex-mister Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon, Drake and Tyson Beckford. Kanye is pissed about Nick’s recent interview with where he talked about dating Kim Kardastrophe pre-plastic surgery—Kim must have been four if it was before the surgeries—and how she hated what she called her “Armenian nose” and how the body image obsessed Kim of today is the result of all that mess.

So, Kanye went off on Nick in a Twitter thread that lasted longer than his stay in the mental hospital about how out of line Nick is behaving. But he didn’t stop there because, well, he’s Kanye and what’s an epic rant for no reason at all?

He told Drake to quit making people think he boned Kim in his latest song. And then he goes after Tyson Beckford for saying that Kim’s hips are off-kilter due to a botched surgery.

Seriously. Kanye might as well give up his career if he’s gonna take time to go after anyone who picks on his wife because there are literally millions of us out here.

I’ll wait …

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And because a good cat-fight between men with tiny … egos …is fun, Nick “Turban” Cannon has responded:

“I got nothing but love for you, but you know I’ll always speak my mind, just like you always speak yours… Not you, not NBC, no corporate infrastructures, no one is ever gonna control what I say because I speak truth always, it’s love.”

Wait! Did NBC come for Kim too, or is Nick Cannon just a moron?

That’s a rhetorical question.

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Oh Justin Theroux. He’s gone all Gwyneth Paltrow in discussing his break-up with America’s Sweetheart, the eternally heartbroken and ever-pregnant, Jennifer Aniston. To be fair, he didn’t say he and Jen had “consciously uncoupled,” but he put it like this …a “gentle separation”:

“The good news is that was probably the most—I’m choosing my words really carefully—it was kind of the most gentle separation, in that there was no animosity. In a weird way, just sort of navigating the inevitable perception of it is the exhausting part.”

And then he kumbaya’d something about acting being “kind of a carny lifestyle” of frequent separations that don’t “have that seismic shift of an ordinary couple, where everything is, like, you have to tear a baby in half.”

Um, okay? But what about the pre-nup? I mean Jen is still rolling in those Friends coins.

How gentle will it be for her to separate from her bank account?

To be fair, I don’t really care, and there isn’t much story here, but I’ll take whatever I can get to post a shot of Justin jogging. I’m shallow like that.

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Beyoncé’s former drummer, Kimberly Thompson, has some tea on the ALLEGED queen … she says Bey has cast a spell upon her.

And, in fact, Kimberly, who says she was with the band for seven years, tried to obtain a restraining order against Bey for various reasons.She ALLEGES Beyoncé started a campaign of harassment against her, that includes “Extreme witchcraft, Dark magic” and “Magic spells of sexual molestation”; she also ALLEGES that Beyoncé has been taping her phone conversations, taken control of her finances, and murdered her kitten.

Yes, she did.

The judge denied Kimberly’s request and also chose not to lock her ass up.

But could it be true? Is Beyoncé a witch? Think on this: have you seen that clip from the Destiny’s Child day where Kelly Rowlands called herself the group’s “second lead vocalist?” Well, Beyoncé heard that and that’s why you haven’t seen Kelly on a chart since she sang back-up for Nelly in 2002.

Just sayin’.

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