The Funny Papers

Darrin Bell, Clay Bennett, Bill Day, Randy Bish, Adam Zyglis, David Horsey, Jim Morin, Nick Anderson, Joe Heller, Tom Stiglich

It's Snarkurday!

Charlie Sheen is back in the news, though this time it isn’t about hookers or porn or drugs or HIV or having sex with men and paying them off in hush money, it’s about his children and how he treats them …

First off, in 2014 Sheen kicked ex-wife Denise Richards and her three daughters — two of which are his — out of the mansion he’d bought for her down the street from his place because his then-fiancé, and former though probably now current, porn star, Brett Rossi told him to do it. At the same time he also stopped paying child support — some $55,000 a month — and had to be court ordered to pay up.

This year, Denise is suing because she says Charlie promised to buy her a home close to his since, after his revelation that he is HIV+, he’d hoped “to repair his relationship with his children” but now Charlie has sold the home and is pocketing the money rather than returning it to the trust for their daughters.

And, because this is Charlie and Denise, the shiz is all out there … with Denise reporting on the vile things Charlie has said to their daughter, Lola, just before Christmas 2013; yes, Denise is going back nearly two years now.

She says Charlie told their kids, “I’m giving all your gifts including the air hockey table to the homeless,” and claims to have seen texts from Charlie to 9-year-old daughter Lola in which he called her “a f***ing pig whore” and said, “I’m going to kill you and I’m going to kill your mom.”

Naturally, Denise released letters written, ALLEGEDLY, by her children to Charlie in which they ask him why he would want to kill them and their mother, and he ALLEGEDLY replied:

“Have a merry Xmas with your loser f***s**t mom … your dad is a rock star genius … your mom is a puss wart.”

But, get this … Charlie says he thought it was Denise texting to him on her daughter’s phone, so his nasty responses were meant for her and not the girls; that makes it totally acceptable, right? But then to get in the last dig, he attacks Denise’s acting, saying, “Bitch couldn’t act hot in a fire or wet in a pool.” And then he taunts Denise with rude comments about her deceased mother because … well, he’s Charlie Sheen and he’s a lunatic who should have been locked up in lifelong rehab decades ago.

Charlie’s lawyers call this “a desperate attempt to get more money” because Charlie has already paid almost $20 million, including $660k tax free money every year for the last 9 years to Denise, though he fails to mention it was court-ordered and part of their custody arrangement.

But it makes me wonder exactly how rich is Charlie Sheen that he could pay child support in the millions of dollars, buy mansions for everyone, pay porn stars thousands to live with him for a few days, buy all those drugs and sex workers, and still not be broke? He must be loaded, in both senses of the word.

Newly engaged couple Mariah Carey and James Packer have a teensy-weensy little problem to solve before they tie the knot … they have to get divorced from their current spouses.

Mariah is still not divorced from Nick Cannon because they have yet to finalize their financial issues, despite the fact there was a very specific prenup in which Nick gets to leave with the clothes on his back and nothing else.

As for James, he’s still married to Erica Packer, who is now dating Seal, who was married to Heidi Klum, who appears on that reality show with Nick Cannon. Everything is circular.

But here’s the dish on Billionaire James Packer: he and Erica were off-and-on for several years before they finally called it quits for good in 2013. He left her, though, and then he came back because suddenly she was pregnant with his child, and as soon as the child was born he was gone again … right into Mariah’s surgically enhanced bosoms.

Seriously, y’all, finish one marriage before you start another.

Real Housewives of New York “star” Bethenny Frankel has said she agrees with Donald [t]Rump about building that wall to keep those pesky Mexicans from coming to America and working in his hotels and in her house, but she stepped into deeper this week when she went shopping at K-Mart.

Wait, millionaires shop at The Big K?

Some folks are calling her racist after she Twitter complained — because that’s what you do — about K-Mart store workers who were speaking Spanish when she wanted to buy snow boots:

“Wow @Kmart has 2 registers open w 5 other employees standing around & speak no English whatsoever. Shoes are sapatos right?”

Well, shoes are zapatos, but that’s not the issue. Then she Tweeted:

“Not even attempting kids’ snow boots in Spanish”

And when Twitter folks called her out for what is perceived to be kind of racist, she Tweeted:

“No excuse for being at a retailer & not able to be directed to what u need. 0 to do w race. I’ll explain but can’t understand it for you.”

Wow, so she doesn’t like Spanish people speaking Spanish and thinks everyone who questions her is too stupid to understand her racism. I mean, let’s be clear, nowhere does she say she asked a question and the employees couldn’t answer because they spoke only Spanish. She just says she overheard people speaking Spanish and that’s too much for her to deal with.

But, since she was using her iPhone to Tweet her disgust at hearing people speak Spanish, couldn’t she have Google translated “snow boots for kids” into “botas de nieve para los ninos.” Or maybe she could have used her wonderfully illiterate Twit-speak to make herself understood.

Perhaps [t]Rump will ask her to build, a SkinnyGirl wall around K-Mart.

Both Beyoncé and Rihanna are working on new albums for release though neither one is saying when this will happen. I personally don’t care, except … Beyoncé.

The last time she dropped an album, it was a surprise release but this time she ain’t talking; she’s not going to do any advanced press for the album, and there is a rumor that she held up the release because she wanted to give Adele time to shine.

Bitch, please. While her last album sold half a million copies in 24 hours, sources — AKA Beyoncé — say she’s delayed the release in order to wait until the ‘hype’ around Adele’s comeback with 25 died down.

Bitch.Please. You held up release so your new album of mindless weave-waving, booty-shaking nonsense doesn’t have to compete with Adele, who, by the way, actually sings live.

Seriously, bitch. Please.

Perhaps B.o.B. and Sherri Shepherd are related?

B.o.B., a rapper, I think, known for a song called Airplanes has come out … not as gay, mind you, but as a flat-earther. He took to The Twitter to spill out the conspiracy theory that the Earth is flat because he took a picture of himself against the horizon and it doesn’t curve.

Seriously. Oh, and he also thinks NASA used fans to make the flag dance in the wind in their staged photo of the fake moon landing.

Seriously. If we learn anything from this, it isn’t that the earth is flat or that the moon landing is fake, it’s that semi-famous people can be stupid and that everyone should be forced to stay in school until they can prove they aren’t morons.

Oh how I feel for the heartache of being a celebrity and being forced to fly coach.

Last weekend “actress” — and yes, it deserves the quotes — Andie MacDowell took to The Twitter to complain that American Airlines bumped her from first class to coach … oh, the humanity … on the one-hour flight from Charlotte, North Carolina to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Andie paid for a first class seat and pre-booked a space for her dog, but airline employees let her know that she couldn’t sit in 1A because there was nowhere to put her dog.  And when the employee wouldn’t let her switch seats with another person in first class, Andie cried on Twitter, with a picture, of being forced to ride in the cargo hold coach section of the plane … which she called “tourist” class.

Next time, American Airlines, strap the "star" to the wing and let the dog sit in first class. That would be a nicer bitch to have onboard.

Let’s dip our toes in the STD pond that is The Kardastrophes for a moment …

Black Chyna used to date Tyga. 

Tyga dates Kylie Jenner. 

Rob Kardastrophe, Kylie’s half-brother, is now dating Black Chyna. 

Black Chyna’s best friend, Amber Rose, used to date Kanye. 

Kanye is married to Kim Kardastrophe. 

Kim is Kourtney Kardastrophe’s sister. 

Kourtney used to be with Scott Disick. 

Scott Disick is dating Amber Rose.

Someone get me the bleach. STAT!!!

Last October, Oprah opened her vault — not the cake and pie vault, but the one with the cash — and took out $43 million to buy a 10% stake in Weight Watchers and then quickly became their newest spokesperson, Hunny Chile … which is what she called herself, or us, in her first ad.

But Oprah claims she’s doing the program and yesterday she said, in a Tweet, that she’s lost 26 pounds so far and has done it while eating … wait for it … BREAD!!!

Every.Day. Oprah eats bread every day, y’all. But, because she Tweeted about bread and lost weight, the stock in Weight Watchers went up and Oprah pocketed a cool 12 million back into the money vault — not the cake and pie vault — to spend, apparently, on bread.

Do we believe Oprah lost 26 pounds, or is that just because before she had her Weight Watchers Weighing Team come is, she took off that Imitation Diana Ross Weave™ she’s been wearing since last century?

So … This Is A Problem?

A lifeguard, known only as Jake, has published an email he received from his boss, known only as John, who was worried that the, um, size of Jake's package in his lifeguard uniform was too distracting and causing concern among people at the pool …

Have a good weekend, y’all. It’s gonna be in the 70s here so I think I’ll go to the pool …

Just sayin’.

Attitude UK

This Man Wants To Be President: Chris Christie

I didn’t watch the GOP debate last night because … GOP; duh. But this morning I saw this: Chris Christie giving one of the most bizarre answers ever … or perhaps the most bizarre non-answer.

Chris Wallace, the moderator, brought up that tired Kim Davis — marking the one time that the LGBT community was mentioned at all because … GOP … duh — when he asked Christie this question:

“Gentlemen, we had a case study on religious liberty just this last summer. A county clerk in Kentucky named Kim Davis refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples after the Supreme Court ruling, saying that it violated her religious beliefs. Governor Christie, you said that she must follow the law or be moved to another job that would be in keeping with her conscience. But some conservatives say that that violates her religious liberty.”

Now, Christie could have gone two ways: he could have come down on the side of the law, which is where he should have, or he could have come down on the side of so-called religious freedoms ALLEGEDLY being trampled upon, But Chris Christie took a third approach and said this:

“You know, we all have our own individual interpretations of our faith. And here’s the problem with what’s going on around the world. The radical Islamic jihadists, what they want to do is impose their faith upon each and every one of us — every one of us. And the reason why this war against them is so important is that very basis of religious liberty. They want everyone in this country to follow their religious beliefs the way they do. They do not want us to exercise religious liberty. That’s why as commander in chief, I will take on ISIS, not only because it keeps us safe, but because it allows us to absolutely conduct our religious affairs the way we find in our heart and in our souls. As a Catholic, that’s what I want to do. And no matter what your faith is, that’s what I want you to be able to do.”

Yes, the question was about Kim Davis and religious freedom or following the awl of the land and Chris Christie said, “ISIS.”

And he wants to be president but he can’t even answer a simple question. Like, when Wallace asked what he had for lunch and Christie replied:

“As commander-in-chef, I will take on ISIS, not only because it keeps us safe, and sated, but because we should be able to exercise our freedom of food. No matter what your food choice, I want you to be able to do.”

Or when Wallace asked where he bought his suits and Christie said:

“As shopper in chief, I will take on ISIS, not only because it keeps us looking good, but because it allows us to absolutely conduct our shopping trips the way we find in our heart and in our souls. And no matter what your fashion choice, that’s what I want you to be able to do.”

Okay, maybe those last two weren’t real questions and answers but they might as well have been since the question about having a county clerk do the job for which she was elected was answered with “Kill ISIS.”

Seriously.

h/t Towleroad

I Didn't Say It ...

_____, on his self-perceived popularity: 

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters."

And that says more about your supporters, AKA wingnuts, than it says about you, AKA narcissistic tool.

[photo]

Cher, on class and economic status being at the root of Flint's water crisis and blaming both political parties for it:

"Poor people are just left to hang out in the wind. I'm the last person who can say I think a Republican government can do anything right because I just don't like them, OK? They don't give a flying whatever about poor people. They just don't. [But] it's the Democrats, too. There's so much rancor between the two [parties] that they spend more time trying to keep each other from getting anything done. Nothing really works in the country, and nothing works for poor people. There will never be any kind of equality until there's the ground-up kind from nurturing and schooling and just basic things — like water."

Is it just me or does Cher sound more like a viable presidential candidate than Donald [t]Rump?

[photo]

Danny DeVito, on the #OscarsSoWhite controversy:

“It’s unfortunate that the entire country is racist. This is one example of the fact that even though some people have given great performances in movies they weren’t even thought about. We are living in a country that discriminates and has certain racist tendencies, so sometimes it manifests itself something like this, and it’s illuminated, but just generally speaking we’re racists. We are a bunch of racists.”

Danny, Danny, Danny, How ignorant of you to say the entire country is racist. Way to step up with a solution or a cogent thought.

Now sit down, you’re not needed for an adult discussion.

[photo]

Kristen Stewart, on wage disparity in Hollywood:

“It’s hard for me to speak to that because it’s awkward. I’m so fucking lucky and so stimulated and driven like not bored and I have something in front of me all the time, so it sounds weird for me to sit around and be like, ‘It’s not fair!’ It’s like, well, guys make more money, because their movies make more money. It’s like, let’s start making…. It makes sense. Like, if you’re bored or if you feel like there’s a lack of something in front of you…. It’s silly for me to say but, ‘Go do something.’ My mom’s an artist, she’s like a painter, she’s a script supervisor as well. So like, when she wasn’t working she was making something. She was never bored. Instead of sitting around and complaining about that, do something, go write something, go do something for yourself. You know what I mean? And that’s easy to say, like fuck, it’s hard to get movies made. It’s a huge luxury. Who gets to just make movies? That subject is so prevalently everywhere right now and it’s boring.”

Obviously, this piece of driftwood called Kristen Stewart needs a scriptwriter to make herself understood because this is a word salad worthy of that wench from Wasilla.

Plus, she like says ‘like’ like about like ten like times.

[photo]

Gabrielle Union, actress, after being asked to comment on FoxNews' Stacey Dash's call to get rid of BET and the Image Awards:

“Who’s Stacey Dash? Is she like related to Dame Dash? Was she on Roc-A-Fella? I heard of a crazy lady once, but I don’t know what her name is.”

Snap.

[photo]

Random Musings

First off, thanks for all the birthday wishes yesterday. You made this old queen feel like an old queen and it was lovely.

As for my age [Anne Marie] I think the little graphic up top should clear things up, though the arrow should be a little closer to death and a little further from forty.

Oy.

Now, on Tuesday Carlos came home from work early, and when I arrived home there was “something” on the kitchen counter. In the distance — well, at least as far as the home office down the hall — I heard Carlos say,

“I did something bad.”

I said, “I know. I see it. What is it?”

Well, it was a birthday cake, only when Carlos came home and began making said cake, he failed to check and see if we had any eggs before he began; we did not. So he tried to make a no egg cake and, well, as my friend Amanda said when she saw it:

“Is it a meatloaf or a cake?”

Well, is it … ?

PS Carlos is a MasterBaker™ and usually makes fabulous cakes … with eggs though.

Speaking of cooking … nice segue, Bob … there’s a new cooking show on Bravo called Recipe for Deception. The premise is that there are two rounds, in which two chefs try to create a dish using a secret ingredient that they don’t know except for a random clue from their competition … hence the deception … in the guise of Three Questions about said ingredient.

It isn’t until the last few minutes of cooking that they learn what their secret ingredient is and then, if they haven’t already figured it out, they need to incorporate it and make it a feature before a panel of judges.

Yes, it’s quite convoluted, and really not all that interesting except that the first episode featured Jordan Andino who turned my oven to high.

Just sayin’.

A co-worker came in carrying his keys and he had a breath-spray thingy attached to his key chain. Now, I’ve seen folks with store discount cards onm their keychains; baubles on their key chains; wee flashlights on their key chains. But breath spray?

I asked why and he said,

“Well, I only like to carry my phone and my keys in my pocket … “

And he went on and on and on about pockets and keys and phones and checking to see if he had these things and several minutes later … no lie, it was several minutes later … when he finished speaking he looked at me quizzically and I said:

“I’m sorry; I stopped listening after the word ‘keys’.”

I think Variety hit the nail on the head with this issue … and I'm hoping it's addressed often, and seriously, during the show.

We had a light snowfall in Smallville last weekend which disappeared in a couple of hours when things warmed up into the mid-30s. This coming weekend, and into next week, it’s going to be in the 70s.

What’s all this talk about climate change??

Still, on the chilly days Tuxedo likes to use MaxGoldberg as a pillow.

Some new hotties on TV last week … starting with [clockwise from the top] Tom Ellis, a British actor, who stars in Fox's new Lucifer ... yes, he's the Devil. Ellis is adorable, and hot, and quite devilish, but this is, without a doubt, the worst show I’ve seen in a long time. He deserves so much better because, well, as I said, adorable, hot, devilish, British.

There’s also a new show called The Magicians, which features Hale Appleman — love that name — who is just fine, and I mean foine and Jason Ralph, so adorkable, as fledgling magicians. The show also features levitation sex.

Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

ISBL Asshat of the Week: Georgia Republican Greg Kirk

Georgia Republican … of course … Senator Greg Kirk, a former Southern Baptist pastor, has authored a new, disgusting proposal aimed at legalizing anti-LGBT discrimination in the state. And, while that is worthy enough of Asshat status, he actually had the nerve to say that his bill is designed to promote the principle of “live and let live.” You know, as long as you aren’t one of those gays that wants equality or something, because we ain’t having that.

And Kirk would like y’all to know that, while he never discussed his new bill with LGBT because, why, he did talk it over with some of his “close friends” who “live a gay lifestyle.”

Dear Goddess. Are we still hearing about a “gay lifestyle”?

Kirk’s bill, the ridiculously named First Amendment Defense Act [FADA] is designed to give virtually every individual and entity — from government employees and contractors to nonprofit groups and for-profit businesses — a license to discriminate against The Gays, same-sex couples and their children.

Now, Kirk doesn’t want to overturn the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges he just wants y’all to know that, while The Gays can marry, you can still treat them like second-class citizens because … God.

The bill — SB 284 — would prohibit government from “taking discriminatory action” based on a person’s belief that “marriage is or should be recognized as the union of one man and one woman.” In addition, and even more hateful, is that SB 284 would allow any “person” — which is, again, defined as “any individual, corporation, partnership, proprietorship, firm, enterprise, association, public or private organization of any character, or other legal entity” — to discriminate against The Gays, gay couples, children of gay couples, children of gays, single parents, unmarried couples and pregnant women, if they simply say God made them do it.

But maybe, just maybe, not all is kosher with Kirk’s Hate Bill. At a press conference introducing his proposal, Greg Kirk held up a copy of the “bill” with signatures from what appeared to be more than 30 co-authors—which, he said, represented a majority of the Republican caucus. But when he was asked to hold the bill up again, he refused …

 “What do you have to hide?” one reporter asked.

“There’s nothing to hide. I don’t know what your camera does. I don’t want you focusing in. Is there a problem with that? … You can actually get the names once I drop the bill.”

But when the reporters got a good look at the bill, out of the thirty-nine Republicans in the Georgia Senate, Kirk’s bill had just five co-authors.

Of course, being an asshat also means you lie and mangle the truth, especially when trying to justify hatred of any kind.

Greg Kirk, Georgia Republican and the ISBL Asshat of the Week.

If The DeNiro Pad Is Too Pricey ... Architecture Wednesday: Retrospect Vineyards Residence ... My Other Birthday Wish

So, yeah, it’s my birthday and I wanted to spend it in wine country, among the grapes, and drinking, well, wine.

And this house, located in the hills around Sonoma, on twenty acres and surrounded by pinot noir grapes is the best I can do.

It’s total California living, inside and outside; the house is an elongated ‘T’ shape, creating a private entry courtyard on the north side, while the south side is almost exclusively glass, with large sliding glass walls that bring the outdoors inside. A deep floating roof spans the main house and the glass guest house, allowing for a sun=protected outdoor kitchen and dining area.

Wine, pool, views, birthday cake. Make a wish. 

HomeDSGN