It's Snarkurday!

Helen Mirren is no stranger to loving your body and showing it off, and I love her for it — and I am way gay.

And I love her because she loathes the Kardastrophes, though she did say this:

“I’m not into the Kardashians, it’s a phenomenon I just don’t find interesting, but – and this is the big word: B-U-T-T — it’s wonderful that you’re allowed to have a butt nowadays. Thanks to Madame Kardashian, and before her, J-Lo. We’re also allowed to have thighs now, which is great too. It’s very positive.”

Shoot, when I read she was talking about Kim Kardastrophe’s ass I simply assumed she was a fan of Kanye.

Oh well …

The other night they held the CFDA Fashion Awards dinner and so naturally designer Rachel Roy was in attendance. She arrived with model Candice Huffine, whom she dressed, and they posed together for pictures on the red carpet.

But as the gala began, suddenly the room was all abuzz with the news that Beyoncé might attend. A fashion writer tweeted, “Jay Z has just arrived ... What could it mean?”  Then Beyoncé’s daughter, Blue Ivy, arrived with grandmother Tina Knowles, basically giving away the night’s Icon winner.

And so what was Roy to do, especially since it is rumored that she was the “Becky with the good hair,” a character name-checked in a Beyoncé song about a woman Jay Z banged while married to Bey.

Roy did what she could … she grabbed her place card and ran!

Seriously? The place card? It’s like she was trying to remove any evidence that she’d even been in the room, lest Beyoncé whip that weave in her direction.

Roy now says she left in such a hurry, place card in hand because she had to catch an early flight the next day to be with her kids in LA.

Uh huh.

Axl Rose is pissed, y’all. See, like Beyoncé before him, Rose is very very angry the hordes of “unflattering” pictures of him from 2010 that live on the internet.

See, back in ’10, photos of a not-so-skinny Axl Rose in a red bandana were taken at a Guns N’ Roses concert in Canada.  And quicker than you can say Mad Fat Boy In A Bandanna the photos were turned into memes.

Well, Axl must have just stumbled across the nearly six-year-old memes recently, because now he’s filed documents to have them destroyed. Yes; destroyed.

It seems the anti-piracy company Web Sheriff issued a DMCA takedown request to Google and Blogspot over the pictures on Axl’s behalf:

“Copyright image of Axl Rose. Please be advised that no permission has been granted to publish the copyright image so we cannot direct you to an authorized example of it.” 

To make it even stickier, the photos were taken by Boris Minkevich for the Winnipeg Free Press. Boris doesn’t own the copyright and says that anyone who made a Fax Axl meme is guilty of stealing the pictures from the Winnipeg Free Press.

So far, Google hasn’t taken any of the pictures so if you search for “Fat Axl” you’ll get your fill of Fat Axl Memes.

Fat Axl Rose. Who does he think he us, Ugly Beyoncé?

Just last week, dressed like a young racist Donald [t]Rump, 22-year-old Conrad Hilton was back in front of a judge yesterday for messing up the terms of his parole … again.

Conrad was told to lay off the, um, er, substances, but apparently he’s been filling up his orifices with all kinds of shiz and admitted so to the judge.

Now, since Connie is rich and white, I naturally assumed he’d be sent to swim camp with Convicted Rapist Brock Allen Turner, but the judge gave him two months in jail.

Two months for violating probation. Wow, that’s almost a third of the sentence that Swimmers Who Rape get, but let’s look back at Connie’s indiscretions:

In 2014 he was arrested for punching a bulkhead on a British Airways flight and shrieking at the flight crew:

“I am going to fucking kill you!”

Connie plead guilty and got parole.

In January 2015, Conrad violated his parole when he failed a battery of drug tests and the judge ordered him to 90 days in a substance abuse treatment center.

Now out, he ALLEGEDLY failed another test and that’s what lead to a Brock Allen Turner sentence of days in jail.

But I doubt Connie will serve more than 20 minutes — remember Lohan’s 84 minute jail term — and then he’ll be back on the street acting like an entitled drug addicted douchebag … or a Swimmer Who Rapes, a la Brock Allen Turner.

First Johnny and Amber split, and then Hillary swank and … who was she dating? … bit the dust. Now :::gasp::: Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have gone their separate ways.

At first Team Swifty tried to spin it that she ended things but, yeah, not so fast …

And why did Calvin dump Swifty? Because of her bad language … yup, she began saying the ‘M’ word allowed and the idea of being married to Taylor Swift sent Calvin running.

A source — and you know it’s one of TayTay’s minions — says:

“A few weeks ago she was talking about marrying him.”

And, again, the idea of being Mister Taylor Swift, and probably being forced to wear a Hello Kitty Tuxedo at the televised wedding where your bride floats toward the altar in a bubble a la Glinda the Good Witch, followed by the pay-per-view Wedding Night was just too much for Calvin.

And who could blame him?

Word has it he’s already invested in a blow-up doll that looks remarkably like Swifty herself.

Remember when Katie Holmes made a ladder of her tear-stained tissues and escaped from the Cruise Compound by hiding out in the trunk of a ’65 Dodge Dart headed East? And remember how Tom Cruise vowed he would never let his little Suri go with Katie?

Well, he did, and now it’s ALLEGED that Tommy hasn’t seen his daughter in three years because … she’s not a Scientologist.

Sources, and it might be Nicki Kidman and Katie Holmes Tweeting from lunch together, say Tom doesn’t want to see Suri because she’s a “nonbeliever.”

In Tom … or the Church.

Just sayin’.