It's Snarkurday!

By now you’ve all heard Johnny Depp and his sexually fluid wife, and dog smuggler, Amber Heard have called it quits after fifteen not-so-blissful months of marriage. But the story is never that simple and while we don’t know what actually happened between them, we do have snippets of stories from both sides of the split …

Was it because of Johnny’s special brand of crazy? His obvious, though ALLEGED, drink and drug abuse? The fact that he seldom seemed like he bathed? Who knows … maybe it’s because, as Amber now says, he was abusive. But then we have Johnny … and his team’s side of the story:

“Given the brevity of this marriage and the most recent and tragic loss of his mother, Johnny will not respond to any of the salacious false stories, gossip, misinformation and lies about his personal life. Hopefully the dissolution of this short marriage will be resolved quickly.”

Doubtful it’ll be resolved as quickly as the marriage fizzled because it just gets uglier.

Heard originally filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences, but that charge quickly changed to accusing Depp of Naomi Campbell-ing her with an iPhone; Amber then went for a restraining order against Johnny claiming the assault was “not an isolated incident” and submitted a photo that shows her with a bruise on her right eye. So, the restraining order was granted, though her request for attorney’s fees and spousal support was denied, as was her request that the restraining order be extended to one of their dogs … yes, to a dog.

Team Depp says LAPD sources told them that Amber “had no evidence of any injuries when [they] came to her home” and that Amber did not tell police Johnny hit her with his iPhone; she’d only called about a verbal argument. Team Depp says “Amber is lying … making up the domestic violence story” and they point to an Instagram photo taken the day after the ALLEGED iPhone Incident, of Amber partying happily with friends.

Still, along with the release of the restraining order came stories of two other ALLEGED incidents of abuse, each a month apart: the first, on April 21, when Depp showed up to a party at their home “inebriated and high” and began an argument that ended when he hurled a magnum bottle of champagne at the wall.

Then, on May 21, Heard says she was chatting with two friends when Depp came home and as the friends spoke about the recent passing of Depp’s mother, Johnny became “extremely angry.” In attempt to defuse the situation, Heard called a friend of Depp’s but he “ripped the cell phone from my hand and began screaming profanities and insults at [the friend]. I heard [the friend] yell at me to get out of the house. Johnny then grabbed the cellphone, wound up his arm like a baseball pitcher and threw the cellphone at me striking my cheek and eye with great force.” When a neighbor entered the apartment, Depp left, “smashing everything he could” with a wine bottle. The neighbor submitted a declaration stating that “many times over the past few years [though Heard and Depp were together barely more than one year] Amber has confided and complained to me about Johnny’s abusing her, both physically and verbally.”

And there were witnesses to this last attack; the friends, Raquel Pennington, her fiancé, Joshua, and Elizabeth Marz, saw the ALLEGED assault, as did Johnny’s security team, who came in halfway through the altercation but did nothing to stop him.

But, and this is where it gets kinda fishy in the ‘I Want A Payday’ kind of way: Amber tried to settle out of court through the lawyer who stated that “although Amber had been attacked and remained in fear for her safety, given the notoriety of both parties and the high likelihood of press harassment, Amber would prefer to settle the matter amicably out of court.” But Johnny told the court that “Amber is attempting to secure a premature financial resolution by alleging abuse. Her current application for a temporary restraining order, along with her financial requests, appear to be in response to the negative media attention she received earlier this week after filing for divorce.”

And, in fact, Amber’s statement reads “Although Johnny is extremely wealthy, he refuses to provide me with any direct financial support. Concurrent with this filing I am providing an Income and Expense Declaration. I am requesting $50,000 a month… spousal support based on our mutual lifestyle.”

So, maybe it is about the money? And yet Johnny makes it clear he does not want to pay. 

“[As] a successful actress with significant income of her own, there is no question that Amber can support herself until the parties have had a reasonable amount of time to assess their finances with the assistance of counsel and then negotiate a mutually agreeable resolution or seek regularly-noticed court orders.”

Team Depp also claims Amber is a party girl who repeatedly got “too close” to her female friends — Amber has called herself bisexual in the past — and Depp claims she was cheating on his with Cara Delevingne, who worked with Amber  in 2014. Depp claims they partied together and flaunted their relationship in front of him.

As for now, it appears that maybe money was the motive behind all this public squabbling because rumor has it that Amber is close to settling for about $20 million dollars — about $1.3 million for each month she and Depp were hitched.’

But maybe she won’t sign, because the couple did not have a prenup, so Heard benefits from California law, which guarantees her a minimum of one half of however much their combined worth increased during their 15 months together and Johnny pocketed well over 100 million during the run of their relationship.

So, maybe $20 million is a good payoff?

It appears that Jennifer Garner still wants Ben Affleck’s heart, but it also appears that Ben Affleck’s dick might not be ready to come home.

A Miami Uber driver claims he picked up Ben Affleck and a young blonde woman on Sunday and he was taking them The Standard hotel to the Miami International Airport. Now, one would think Ben Affleck + Blond + Miami = Happy Ben but, according to the Uber driver, Ben was “surly” and it was obvious the two had been arguing.

So, was it Ben? Well, a source at The Standard Hotel confirms Affleck was there, but that he was using an alias and his visit was “very on the down low.”

With a Blond? In an Uber?

Scarcely a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Saved By The Bell’s Screech, AKA Dustin Diamond, is behind bars again. 

Wha’ happened … you say? Well, it appears Diamond was arrested in Wisconsin after violating the terms of his parole. An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms, but he did confirm that Screech was back in custody.

Screech was originally put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so maybe he was busted standing in front of a bar with a switchblade? Or maybe he was busted because he’s still trying to capitalize on being Screech from Saved By The Bell?

I do love snark, but I especially love the ‘this is so stupid that it fails to measure up to snark but I’ll read it anyway’ kind of snark.

The Enquirer is claiming that Julia Roberts and George Clooney — who are appearing in Money Monster  as we speak — are having an affair and that George’s wife Amal is none too pleased. And The Enquirer has a picture of what they are calling “the kiss that destroyed both their marriages” on the cover … except the picture is a photo still of George and Julia from Ocean’s Eleven.

But hey, if the rumor and that old picture sell a few extra tickets to Money Monster — and I hear it needs the coins — then George and Julia will endure the stupid snark.

Steve Harvey tries to play himself as the funny everyman on TV, between his chat show and his game-show and his cringe-inducing turn as host of the Miss Universe pageant.

But Steve is cold and calculating. Ask his ex-wife, Mary Harvey, who recorded a series of YouTube videos back in 2011 detailing the fact that Harvey cheated on her and then scammed her in their divorce, taking custody of their then eight-year-old son and evicting her from the home where they lived. In fact, Steve convinced Mary to use his lawyer in the divorce, and so he only had to fork over a few coins, rather than half his coins even though Mary was the person who was with Steve when he was homeless, living out of his car going to comedy gigs. She supported him during that time and made his career possible.

And now Steve is all over People Magazine claiming he has “no fairy godmother or anonymous benefactor, just integrity, ingenuity and success” I kinda beg to differ.

Oh, and in addition to Steve rewriting history and completely leaving Mary out of the story about how he managed to have a career at all, People writes glowingly of Steve’s current, and third, wife, Marjorie, while completely omitting the fact that Steve was married to Mary when he began dipping his Harvey into Marjorie.

Once a pig …

Last week I posted about Steve Stanulis, the ex-bodyguard for Kanye West who spilled the tea about Kanye’s childish ways and diva like tantrums and now Kanye is extracting revenge.

Well, now Kim and Kanye Kardastrophe are threatening a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Stanulis for opening his yap after having had the glory and pleasure of babysitting Kanye and changing his diapers when need be.

Kanye is publicly calling Stanulis a “parasitic maniac” — maniac? Pot.Kettle … yada yada yada — and a spokesman for Kim and Kanye — and you know it’s That Woman—says:

“The West Family will no longer tolerate the spreading and selling of fake stories in an desperate, transparent and shameless attempt for publicity at their expense. This sad, parasitic maniac has violated every basic human tent [sic] of decency with his story of lies. As such, the Wests will explore all legal means at their disposal to silence this nonsense.”

Funny, because I would hope Kanye would have to proof he isn’t a tantrum-prone child and so I can just imagine a judge demanding West give a demonstration on how to press an elevator button.

Cue epic courtroom meltdown.

Karma is a bitch, and sometimes, well, all the time, she gets the last laugh.

Robin Wright, of house of Cards, was once married to Sean Penn and apparently there is no love lost between the two since their divorce.

And that might have something to do with the fact that Robin had been trying to develop a film called The Last Face for years as sort of a passion project. She’s hoped to cast herself and Ryan Gosling and Javier Bardem in the film but she couldn’t secure the financing for it, so she shelved the project.

Then, after Sean and Robin split up in 2010, Penn went ahead and obtained the rights to The Last Face and even cast Javier Bardem in it and last month it premiered at Cannes … to horrid reviews.

And Robin Wright is loving all the bad reviews, according to a source:

“Robin is thrilled the movie bombed. She has too much class to say so publicly, but this was her baby.”

Like I said, karma is a bitch, or sometimes it’s just your ex-wife who’s happy you screwed yourself after stealing her script.

PS Robin just secured herself a huge raise for appearing in House of Cards so, yeah, there’s that, too.

John Carney, the director of Once, is out there pushing his new movie Sing Street and has decided that the best way to promote this new film is to bash an actress who worked with him in one of his old films.

Huh? Carney is spilling the beans about how much he hated working with Keira Knightley on Begin Again and says he will never cast a “supermodel” like her again.

Begin Again starred Knightley as a singer-songwriter who gets discovered by a once-successful record executive played by Mark Ruffalo. Adam Levine is also in it … playing Adam Levine, i.e. smug, smarmy overly tattooed singer. Every so often I see it listed on the DVR and it sounds interesting until I see the name Adam Levine, as an actor, he’s a better singer and he’s a horrible singer.

Anyway, back to John Carney who thinks that it was Knightley who ruined his film and he is taking this latest round of press as an opportunity to tell you so:

“Well, [Sing Street is] fantastic. I’m very surprised; it’s a small personal movie with no Keira Knightleys in it. It’s really rewarding.”

Ow. But John brings up Keira again in the interview by calling her a “supermodel movie star” who arrived with baggage and a huge entourage and the paparazzi:

“I like working with actors and I wanted to come back to what I knew and enjoy film-making again — not that I didn’t enjoy Begin Again but Keira has an entourage that follow her everywhere so it’s very hard to get any real work done … I think the real problem was that Keira wasn’t a singer and wasn’t a guitar player and it’s very hard to make music seem real if it’s not with musicians. And I think the audience struggled a little bit with that in Begin Again. And as much as I tried to make it work I think that she didn’t quite come out as a guitar-playing singer-songwriter. So I really wanted to work with musicians and actors that could play their instruments properly and sing and stuff like that.”

Keira couldn’t sing and play guitar, but I’m sure Carney knew that before she was hired and yet he cast her anyway. So who’s the real idiot here? It’s Carney because after ridiculing her for not being a singer and for being a supermodel actress he says:

“I don’t want to rubbish Keira, but you know it’s hard being a film actor and it requires a certain level of honesty and self-analysis that I don’t think she’s ready for yet and I certainly don’t think she was ready for on that film.”

But he thinks Adam Levine is a good actor? Like I said, who’s the real idiot here?