The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Adam Zyglis, Reynold Philip, Max Espinoza, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Lalo Alcaraz, Lee Judge, Clay Bennett, Нікіта Тітов, Joel Thingvall, Kevin Kallaugher, Matt Wuerker,

Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me where was the last place I flew, I say ‘Off the handle and there’s another potential flight on the way.’

… that whenever people say to me, ‘You’re going places,’ my first thought is an asylum.

… that it makes me happy to see so many people embracing therapy; some of them could use an exorcism, but … baby steps.

… that we all need to know that the final stage of healing is telling people to fuck off.

… that people must learn that there are two ways of doing things: my way and my other way. 

… that one time, in the third grade, I zoned out and I don’t think I ever zoned back in.

… that when people tell me that I’m too quiet I say it’s because I rarely make sense when I talk.

… that the best part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

… that when a friend says, ‘Oh no, that’s so mean, I can’t say that,’ I say, ‘Give me the phone.’

… that even though I bought new shoes with memory foam insoles I still cannot remember why I walked into the kitchen.

… that I keep forgetting that aging is a process; I was in bed last night for twenty minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough and realized I’d gone to my room to get my wallet.

I Didn't Say It ...

Ana Navarro, political commentator and View cohost, taking Slovenian hooker Melanie to task about the "performative hypocrisy" of the letter she wrote to Russian dictator Vladimir Putin:

"You all, this falls under the category of stuff that's so hypocritical you almost can't believe it. I don't know if you all heard this, but in the [Felon]-Putin meeting, [The Felon] delivered a letter to Putin written by his wife [Melanie] and I'm going to read some of it to you because I think we should think about this, okay? So she writes in this letter, part of it:

'As leaders, the responsibility to sustain our children extends beyond the comfort of a few. Undeniably, we must strive to paint a dignity filled world for all so that every soul may wake to peace and so that the future itself is perfectly guarded. A simple yet profound concept Mr. Putin as I am sure you agree, is that each generation's descendants begin their lives with a purity and innocence which stands above geography, government, and ideology.’

Ignoring the painfully inept prose of ]Melanie]'s letter and the clumsy fumbling for poetic sounding phrases, it has to be pointed out deeply naive this letter was. Putin is a brutal, murderous dictator who has been waging a bloody war of territorial expansion for years now. The idea that he might be swayed by a poorly written letter by a First Lady with no diplomatic experience and no meaningful accomplishments is laughable. This was clearly an attempt by [Melanie] to nab headlines and make herself feel important. [But] … let's think about those words: a right to innocence and purity that stands about government, geography and ideology. And think about what her husband, what [The Felon] is doing to the children of immigrants in America and to U.S. citizen children of immigrants. How many of those children are living with the fear of their parents being dragged through the streets of America, their car windows smashed in, their parents beaten by masked men, and disappeared? How about the children in the LA school system that have been grabbed by ICE? How about the boy, the Brazilian boy in Massachusetts who was going to soccer practice when he was grabbed by ICE? How about the little girl with cancer, U.S. citizen little girl with cancer, whose parents were deported and she had to leave, putting in jeopardy her cancer treatment? How about all of the children in America—forget the children of immigrants even though that in itself sticks in my craw—but the children in America who are being denied SNAP benefits? How about the children all over the world who are not receiving U.S. aid because her husband's government decided that we shouldn't be feeding starving children all over the world? How about all of those kids? So, yeah, it strikes me as ridiculously hypocritical that [Melanie] is telling Putin to preserve the innocence and purity of Ukrainian children. Yay for her! That's a good thing. But you know maybe she should turn around and say the exact same thing to her husband because there are children in America crying, suffering, going to bed in fear, returning to homes that are abandoned and empty, not knowing where their next meal is coming from because of what her husband is doing. I say to [Melanie], start a little closer to home girl."

Ana, as usual, nails the ignorance and hypocrisy of Melanie … though we all know she never wrote that letter; it was clearly AI, and not Slovenian Hooker angling for a bigger chunk of cash in the prenup.

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Gavin Newsom, on why The Felon isn’t sending the National Guard to real crime-infested cities:

“I think he should start with Shreveport, Louisiana, and Speaker Johnson’s district that has 6X’s plus the per capita murder rate of Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco. What about the carnage, Mr. President, in Shreveport? Why aren’t you protecting the folks there? Eight of the top Ten murder states in this country are Red states What bullshit.”

Good Christian Mike Johnson, the porn watching pedophile protector doesn’t want y’all talking about his murderous district.

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Eric Swalwell, on the Putin Kiss Ass Summit with The Felon:

“If you’re a Republican in Congress you just saw a Kremlin Kiss Ass in the President of the United States. Somebody who squandered an opportunity to confront a ruthless dictator who is killing innocent children, and kidnapping innocent children, every single day. I don’t know what this meeting accomplished other than taking the Epstein files and inflation out of the news. It was embarrassing to watch. He even toasted Putin as if he was receiving a lifetime achievement award. A total … waste of time.”

Putin’s Bitch did as he was told.

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Hakeem Jeffries, House Minority Leader, on hauling Border Barbie before Congress in 2026 :

“It’s my expectation that Kristi Noem will be one of the first people hauled up to Congress shortly after the gavels change hands to get a real understanding for the American people as to this conduct that has taken place: the lack of respect for due process, for the rule of law, the unleashing of masked agents on law-abiding immigrant communities, and the disappearing of people in some instances, to other countries without any real evidence that criminal behavior took place. All of this is going to require aggressive oversight activity.”

I would love seeing the adulterous dog killing border Nazi hauled before Congress and then sent to live in Kristi’s Koncentration Kamp with the alligators and the floods.

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Wes Moore, Democratic Maryland Governor, responding to The Felon’s dig at him for not sending the Maryland National Guard to DC for a Deflection Publicity Stunt:

“I don’t listen to criticism from chicken hawks, people who talk tough and try to utilize people in uniform but have never had the courage to wear the uniform themselves. Our National Guard, I know what they’re trained on. I know what it requires when you’re asking someone to put their life at risk. Unlike the president of the United States, I’ve actually worn the uniform of this country. Unlike the president of the United States, I actually deployed overseas and fought on behalf of the United States of America. And so I do not need and will not accept any type of lecture from someone who the only uniform they have worn is a Brooks Brothers suit.” 

It should disgust anyone who served in our military that a draft-dodging rapist is Commander In Chief when he should be in prison.

That said: I get kinda tingly looking at Wes. Just sayin’.

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Bobservations

Tuesday night Carlos and I had one of our rare spats; I’ll spare you the details but it’s one of those things that, were it to continue happening and not spoken about, it would go from spat to brawl—not a real brawl—kind of quickly.

I came home from work the day after the incident and told Carlos how I felt and how, if I didn’t say anything, this might continue to happen and fester and then we’d be really arguing about something that isn’t really an argument, so I will tell you how the conversation started:

“Okay, I’m not mad at you but let me tell you why I’m mad.”

And about three minutes later, after listening and talking, the spat ended with:

“So, that Liza documentary. Oy, what a clusterfuck.”

And that’s how it goes at Casa Bob y Carlos.

This Tuxedo Says is from February 2021 …

Clearly when a cat gets the idea of Separation of Church and State, people will understand it, too? Oh, who am I kidding.

Sidenote: I was closing the blinds in the living room last night and looked out the window and saw Tuxedo sitting on the front walkway. Now, it wasn’t my Great Tuxedo, but it was a younger look-alike … who was given some food to see if he comes back.

Actor David Boreanaz spoke at the recent Bones: 20th Anniversary Retrospective panel—seriously??? A Bones Retrospective?—and recalled meeting Betty White in 2015:

“Emily [Deschanel] and I are waiting for her. And she’s like, ‘Good to see you. Oh, good to see you. You’re so nice. You’re so pretty.’”

And then he says Betty White said to him:

“She looks at me, she goes, ‘Holy s–t, I want to f–k you. I want to f–k you!’”

Funny that in ten years Boreanaz never told this story even once before White passed and even more telling is that his Bones co-star Emily Deschanel had no memory of the interaction at all. I mean, Betty White says she wants to f*ck your co-star and you forget about it? Sounds like Boreanaz is trying to make himself relevant?

Here’s a look at the always popular “Booty Call Cakes,” and I must say I will be answering that call.

Straight from The Felon’s mouth:

“San Francisco was a great city … fifteen years ago.”

Fun fact: fifteen years ago Gavin Newsom was the mayor of San Francisco and Kamala Harris was the District Attorney.

In a very timely response, Broadway performer and RuPaul’s Drag Race winner, Jinkx Monsoon called out the GOP and The Felon for their attempts to whitewash history.

Speaking to Good Morning America about her new role as the lead in Cole Escola’s Tony Award-winning hit Broadway show Oh, Mary!— described by its creator and original star as "a dark comedy about a miserable Mary Todd Lincoln in the weeks leading up to Abraham Lincoln’s assassination”—the hosts proposed a rapid-fire game they called “Oh, Jinkx!”

GMA hosts Gio Benitez, Janai Norman and Whit Johnson threw "crazy White House" situations, or at least the Oh, Mary! version of it, at Jinkx to get her immediate reaction and the final situation was:

"You’ve just been told you’re the understudy for Mary’s husband and the show starts in five minutes."

Without hesitation, Monsoon—a transgender woman—responded:

"Well, everyone, this is how it goes. Abraham Lincoln is now a trans woman, and that’s all there is to it … Since lawmakers get to rewrite history, why can’t I?"

Monsoon then let loose her signature cackle.

Snap.

More stupidity from The Felon? Well, he said this week that the US is the only country that uses Mail-In Voting.

Well, except for the United Kingdom, Switzerland, Germany, Australia, Canada, India, Iceland, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Russia, and 22 other countries ... and Florida which is where The Felon and his Slovenian Hooker Wife vote by mail.

I know very little about Carlos Machado who says he was born from the Earth but do we really need any information other than Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Streamline Moderne Pasadena Home

This rare 1938 Moderne Streamline home is prominently anchored on a corner lot in the cherished Poppy Peak Hills area of Pasadena. Terraced living over three hillside levels, the architecture personifies the Bauhaus-infused design sensibility, not to mention leveraging Southern California's mild climate with its open floor plans and a cruise-liner inspired exterior, characterized by sweeping horizontal lines, concrete, expansive decks and tiered gardens that fan out from the 2,106 square foot home

The reverse floorplan allows one to enter on the upper-most level with direct access to the living room, dining area, both with stunning hillside views, and a galley kitchen as well as a half bath. A broad outdoor deck, reminiscent of a steamliner's bow provides effortless alfresco entertaining and captivating hillside views.

Downstairs the primary bedroom offers a full bath with dual vanity sinks and walk-in closet. There are two additional bedrooms, a complementary full bath with step-in shower and adjacent balcony on this middle level while the garage, laundry and storage can be found at the lower level.

It’s old school style but with a updated roof, plumbing, wiring, sewer line, electrical panels, EV charger and roof-mounted owner-owned solar making it the best of both old and new.

As always, click to emBIGGERate ...

 The Spaces

Meme Dump