The Funny Papers

Adam Zyglis, Mike Smith, Marc Murphy, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, Jim Morin, David Fitzsimmons, RJ Matson, Pat Bagley, Joel Pett, Clay Bennett

It's Snarkurday!

Remember Mischa Barton? Me neither, but apparently she was a big deal back in the 90s for, literally, a minute.

Nowadays she’s a big deal in courtroom. Last March Barton ran afoul of the law, though not for the usual celebrity mess, but because she has crashed a rented U-Haul into the side of a West Hollywood apartment complex and the homeowner’s association sued her for $27,000 in damages. Well, now it looks like U-Haul wants some coins, too, because they are hauling—see what I did there—Mischa to court over the damages to their vehicle.

Here’s the details on the crash: after running their rented truck into a building Barton and her boyfriend, her now ex-boyfriend whom she has accused of stalking her, Adam Spaw, fled the scene, leaving the truck and all of their belongings inside.

They then denied they crashed the U-Haul into the building—even though there is video evidence—and ran because …because …yeah, there is no because. So, U-Haul took possession of everything in the truck and put it in storage. Mischa then tried to claim her items that she abandoned in the truck that she crashed, and U-Haul is saying they’re gonna sell all her stuff—and I imagine it’s a boatload of bad fashion choices and empty baggies—unless she pays the damages to their truck, to the tune of $5,827.65.

I can’t imagine Mischa Barton shiz is worth more than $58.27.

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In Kanye’s West’s book, declaring slavery a choice and writing a song about boning your wife’s sisters are just fine. But other guys talking about boning your wife is not.

This week Kanye took on the ex-mister Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon, Drake and Tyson Beckford. Kanye is pissed about Nick’s recent interview with where he talked about dating Kim Kardastrophe pre-plastic surgery—Kim must have been four if it was before the surgeries—and how she hated what she called her “Armenian nose” and how the body image obsessed Kim of today is the result of all that mess.

So, Kanye went off on Nick in a Twitter thread that lasted longer than his stay in the mental hospital about how out of line Nick is behaving. But he didn’t stop there because, well, he’s Kanye and what’s an epic rant for no reason at all?

He told Drake to quit making people think he boned Kim in his latest song. And then he goes after Tyson Beckford for saying that Kim’s hips are off-kilter due to a botched surgery.

Seriously. Kanye might as well give up his career if he’s gonna take time to go after anyone who picks on his wife because there are literally millions of us out here.

I’ll wait …

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And because a good cat-fight between men with tiny … egos …is fun, Nick “Turban” Cannon has responded:

“I got nothing but love for you, but you know I’ll always speak my mind, just like you always speak yours… Not you, not NBC, no corporate infrastructures, no one is ever gonna control what I say because I speak truth always, it’s love.”

Wait! Did NBC come for Kim too, or is Nick Cannon just a moron?

That’s a rhetorical question.

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Oh Justin Theroux. He’s gone all Gwyneth Paltrow in discussing his break-up with America’s Sweetheart, the eternally heartbroken and ever-pregnant, Jennifer Aniston. To be fair, he didn’t say he and Jen had “consciously uncoupled,” but he put it like this …a “gentle separation”:

“The good news is that was probably the most—I’m choosing my words really carefully—it was kind of the most gentle separation, in that there was no animosity. In a weird way, just sort of navigating the inevitable perception of it is the exhausting part.”

And then he kumbaya’d something about acting being “kind of a carny lifestyle” of frequent separations that don’t “have that seismic shift of an ordinary couple, where everything is, like, you have to tear a baby in half.”

Um, okay? But what about the pre-nup? I mean Jen is still rolling in those Friends coins.

How gentle will it be for her to separate from her bank account?

To be fair, I don’t really care, and there isn’t much story here, but I’ll take whatever I can get to post a shot of Justin jogging. I’m shallow like that.

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Beyoncé’s former drummer, Kimberly Thompson, has some tea on the ALLEGED queen … she says Bey has cast a spell upon her.

And, in fact, Kimberly, who says she was with the band for seven years, tried to obtain a restraining order against Bey for various reasons.She ALLEGES Beyoncé started a campaign of harassment against her, that includes “Extreme witchcraft, Dark magic” and “Magic spells of sexual molestation”; she also ALLEGES that Beyoncé has been taping her phone conversations, taken control of her finances, and murdered her kitten.

Yes, she did.

The judge denied Kimberly’s request and also chose not to lock her ass up.

But could it be true? Is Beyoncé a witch? Think on this: have you seen that clip from the Destiny’s Child day where Kelly Rowlands called herself the group’s “second lead vocalist?” Well, Beyoncé heard that and that’s why you haven’t seen Kelly on a chart since she sang back-up for Nelly in 2002.

Just sayin’.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Barbra Streisand, on the newest remake of A Star is Born:

“I haven’t seen the full cut, but it’s very good.Every time that film is made it’s a success. I loved Judy Garland‘s version, I like this one a lot, and I liked mine!”

Judy’s was a masterpiece.

But the Gaga one looks interesting.

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Mitch McConnell, pandering to the Bigot Base who don’t care about women being sexually assaulted as long as Roe v Wade is overturned:

“You’ve watched the fight, you’ve watched the tactics. But here is what I want to tell you, in the very near future Judge Kavanaugh will be on the United States Supreme Court.”

And you’ll be going to Hell.

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Seth Meyers, on the Rod Rosenstein mess:

“We’re on the brink of constitutional crisis because nobody could tell if Rod was joking or not! Can I just make a suggestion to all civil servants in our justice system? Don’t make jokes. Jokes are broken now. We made so many jokes about how hilarious it would be if Donald _____ was president that it came true.”

And the jokes on us … for now.

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Michele Bachmann, blaming _____ on God:

“Two years ago, I believe that the prayers that God’s people made to ask God for his provision were heard. They were heard and granted and for two years, we have lived in an unparalleled golden time in the United States. We have a president who has made the most pro-life actions of any president ever. We have a president who has been the most pro-Israel president ever in the history of the United States of America. Our president has put the United States on a pathway of blessing. We have the most pro-religious liberty president in the history of the United States, ever! Do you see what a golden day that we have been given? On every possible level, America is killing it. We are doing great in every possible metric, and I believe that’s because God’s people utilized the tool that he gave us.”

She's right about one thing: _____ is a tool.

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Judi Dench, on sexual predator Kevin Spacey being cut out of, and replaced by Christopher Plummer, in All The Money In The World:

“I can’t approve, in any way, of the fact that—whatever he has done—that you then start to cut him out of the films. Are we to do what happened when he was replaced with Christopher Plummer? Are we to do that throughout history? Are we to go back throughout history and anyone who has misbehaved in any way, or who has broken the law, or who has committed some kind of offense, are they always going to be cut out? Are we going to extrude them from our history? I don’t know.”

I don’t think the idea is to cut him out of everything he’s ever done. I think this was a new film, about to come out, and the scandal might have hurt it.

We all have a choice to watch, or not watch, old Kevin Spacey films, or to simply cut those films from our watch list.

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Nikki Haley, United States UN Ambassador, lying when she says the world leaders at the UN weren’t laughing at _____, they were laughing with him:

“The media has got this so wrong. I deal with these leaders every single day. I know exactly how they think. Do they love America? No. Do they respect America? Now they do. When he said that, they love how honest he is. And it’s not diplomatic. And they find it funny. I mean, when he goes and he is very truthful, they kind of were taken aback by it. All day yesterday, they were falling over themselves to get a picture with him, to talk about how great his speech was, how strong it was. Whether he said good things about them or not, they love that he’s honest with them. And they have never seen like it. And so there’s a respect there. I saw that the media was trying to make it something disrespectful. That’s not what it was. They love to be with him. That’s the only time you will see that entire chamber standing room only.”

First off, Nikki, you pandering ass, let’s remember that in 2016 you supported anyone but _____ for president because you thought him unqualified. Then he won and offered you a job, so you took residence in his ass and now lie for him, and with him, daily.

They were laughing at him; he knows it; you know it.

And lotsa folks wanna take a selfie with the biggest clown in the room.

Siddown, fool.

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Jeff Flake, Arizona GOP Senator, saying Kavanaugh’s accusers deserve an apology:

“These people are not props for us to make our political points. I do not believe that a claim of sexual assault is invalid because a 15-year-old girl didn’t promptly report the assault to the authorities, as the president of the United States said. How uninformed and uncaring do you have to be to say things like that?”

And yet, Jeff, while you try to score points as the anti-_____ you rarely take an actual stand.

Words are nice; actions have more meaning.

Vote No on Kavanaugh.

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Lindsey Graham, South Carolina GOP Senator and professional ______ ass kisser, saying nothing Christine Blasey Ford could say would sway him from voting for Brett Kavanaugh:

“I want to listen to her, but I’m being honest with you and everybody else. What do you expect me to do? You can’t bring it in a criminal court, you would never sue civilly, you couldn’t even get a warrant. What am I supposed to do? Go ahead and ruin this guy’s life based on an accusation? I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know where it happened, and everybody named in regard to being there said it didn’t happen. Unless there’s something more, no I’m not going to ruin Judge Kavanaugh’s life over this. But she should come forward, she should have her say, she will be respectfully treated.”

Graham says the events that took place 36 years ago were outside the statute of limitations and therefore irrelevant except Maryland, where the alleged events took place, has no statute of limitations on felony sexual assault, so f**k off Miss Lindsey.

Would you feel differently if it was your sister who said Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her? I doubt it because you’re a pig who’s ignored decency, so you can apply your lips to _____’s ample ass.

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Seth Meyers, again, on Brett Kavanaugh’s denial that he sexually assaulted any women:

“It does not matter if you were a virgin. You are being accused of sexual assault, not sexual intercourse. Those things have nothing to do with each other. It’s the same as saying, ‘I couldn’t have robbed that bank. I’m a virgin.’ Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn’t mean you can’t be a sexual assaulter. Just ask thousands of priests. [And] just because you’re friends with one woman, doesn’t mean you haven’t been awful to another. That’s like saying you’re a vegetarian because you didn’t eat your dog.”

Bam!

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Bobservations

Today is my Mother's birthday. She would have been 81 if...........
I remember many things about my Mom.
The Mom who baked things for school.
The Mom who made the best Clam Chowder on rainy winter days.
The Mom who painted.
The Mom who laughed.
The Mom who loved you no matter what.
The Mom who, as soon as Carlos and I moved in together, would introduce him as her son-in-law.
The Mom who was married to my Dad for over 50 years.
The Mom who was a Nurse.
The Mom who loved to travel.
The Mom who taught me to love books.
I love my Mom.
I miss my Mom.

So, y’all know Carlos plays trumpet in our local community band …and if you don’t know, where the hell have you been??!! At any rate, the other night, while he was at rehearsal, he called to let me know he had a ride home, and then said:

“You’ll never guess what happened at rehearsal! Something bad.”

“You farted during a lull in the score?”

“No!”

“You crapped your pants because you blew the trumpet too hard?”

“NO!!”

“Oh my god, you sang? Please tell me you didn’t sing.”

“NOOOOOO!!! Worse than that!”

“You.Danced. Dear god, you danced? Honey. You can’t dance!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

“I have no idea ….”

“A snake came in the room ...”

“Oh, so you screamed like a girl and jumped onto your chair, farted, crapped your pants, sang for help and them danced out the door?”

“I don’t like you.”

But he does.

This week ______ spoke at the UN and was high-larious. Seriously, the UN erupted in laughter when Hair Furor claimed his administration is the most successful administration in history. The UN laughed; the world laughed in his face. And he said:

"I didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK."

But, as he does, he is now spinning it that he meant the statement as a joke and wanted them to laugh:

“Well, that was meant to get some laughter."

He says they were laughing with him, but they, and the rest of the world, were laughing at him. Asshat.

In Good News, this week the New York Yankees, under pressure for being the Major League team without an LGBTQ pride night, made a commitment to the LGBTQ community by creating a scholarship to honor the gay rights movement at Stonewall 50 years ago.

The Yankees-Stonewall Scholars Initiative will honor New York City graduates from the public-school system in all five boroughs and five $10,000 scholarships will be given out.

Good on them.

PS Next season the Yankees will have a Pride night.

The march goes on!

In Pig news, and, no, it’s not about Kavanaugh … Jason Miller, a former aide to _____, announced that he will leave his role as CNN political commentator following an accusation that he administered an “abortion pill” to a woman, without her knowledge or consent, he impregnated during an affair.

Miller said that the allegation is not true but, c’mon, his boss is a sexual predator and many of the people on his staff and his nominees for high positions in government are sexual predators, so is it such a stretch to think Miller would do something like this?

No.

In my hometown of Sacramento, California this week local veterans took a knee to show solidarity with the athletes who have been kneeling during the national anthem to protest racism and police brutality at a city council meeting.

One veteran, John Rieger, from the Sacramento chapter of Veterans For Peace, said:

"We've served our country, we didn't serve it to support racism, we didn't serve it to support police brutality, these are things that are un-American."

I say Bravo. And thank you for your service, and your continued service to making this country less hate-filled.

And perhaps this is why they kneel, too … Jamal Speaks plays football for Ballou High School until he was removed for residency issues.

Yes, Jamal Speaks is currently homeless; his father is deceased, and his mother is no longer present in his life. And he is fighting to stay on the team after Principal Willie Jackson blocked him from playing during a game because he’s homeless and cannot prove residency.

Speaks was set to participate in a game between Ballou and Anacostia High School, but Jackson stopped him from playing and even threatened to the team’s coach Minoso Rodgers if he allowed the teen to play. His teammates stalled the game by 45 minutes and petitioned the principal’s decision but Speaks was unfortunately benched.

Even worse? Football recruiters from Temple University were at that game to watch Speaks play, but the student was forbidden to do so.

Jackson claimed he prevented Speaks from playing because the District of Columbia Interscholastic Athletic Association [DCIAA] ruled Speaks ineligible in August.

“I worked so hard on and off the field. Have a good GPA, work in the classroom and outside of school. … I’m homeless, so me just trying to stay in the area to get back and forth from school, it’s already tough.”—Jamal Speaks

District of Columbia Public Schools officials said they’re working with the District of Columbia State Athletic Association to resolve the incident. In the meantime, a fine athlete, and a good student, may miss the opportunity to go to college because he’s homeless.

Ain’t that America?

A vandal attempted to deface the sign in front of the Allendale United Methodist Church in St. Petersburg, Florida, but the congregation got the last word.

Church employees arrived to work on Monday to find someone had spray-painted the words “gay pastor” in large, black letters on the church’s roadside sign. The Reverend Andy Oliver, the church’s pastor said:

“Of course we were disappointed that someone chose to do that, but we saw this as an opportunity to turn what was intended to be hateful words into something beautiful. We decided to leave the spray paint up, because we wanted to surround it with love.”

And so, instead of removing the graffiti, the congregation surrounded it with colorful hearts and the phrase “Love Always Wins!”

Cuz it does.

Nordstrom is the latest Bad Taste Winner, after selling a $530 pair of sneakers which are artfully scuffed and look like they’re being held together with a piece of tape. 

Shoppers are “outraged” that the retailer is apparently glamorizing poverty and they aren’t the only retailer doing so; the shoes, an Italian brand, Golden Goose Deluxe Brand, are also sold at Barneys and Bergdorf Goodman.

Shoes designed to make you look poor but cost more than a car payment.

That’s where we’re headed?

The Indiana chapter of The Satanic Temple was accepted into the state’s Adopt-a-Highway program two months ago, having since—much to the distress of locals—completed two clean-up events for their town’s roads. But not everyone is happy … like Jill Konija, whose property is directly next to one of the Zionsville Adopt-a-Highway signs reading “Satanic Temple Indiana Chapter.”

“It’s like advertising a satanic church in front of our home. We raised our sons here.”—Jill Konija

Damien Blackmoor, the head of the Satanic Temple Indiana Chapter, said that the group would be doing the acts of altruism regardless of whether or not they got a sign:

“We would do it even without the sign. It’s not about the attention, it’s about doing something good, and we like to show people that we’re doing that good.”

Who knew Satanists were into beautification?

In Great News …this week Dallas Police Chief Renee Hall fired Officer Amber Guyger, three weeks after Guyger shot and killed Botham Jean in his apartment after mistaking it for her own.

Good.Bye. Now, howsabout some prison time?

And speaking of prison time ... serial sexual predator Bill Cosby was taken away in cuffs this week after being sentenced 3-10 years for being a perv.

His ambulance chasers are set to appeal, but Bill will have to register as a sexual predator for the rest of his days.

Good. Now, if we could just get Kavanaugh behind bars.

I was bored one night and watched a movie …which clearly had a budget of about ten dollars and a case of Bud Light … called The Other Side. It was boring and dumb and oh so predictable but, shallow me, it also starred one Brad James; smoking hot.

I also caught the reboot of Flatliners …what the hell was Ellen Page doing in it …and spotted Hot Ginger James Norton. I’m trying to come up with some double entendre about he and I flatlining but it escapes me just now.

Lastly, a good film, Rebel in the Rye, about the life of JD Salinger. Very interesting life he lived, before writing Catcher in the Rye. And Nicholas Hoult, who played JD is quite the stunner, though having him play Salinger as a college student all the way through being an older man seemed a bit odd because I didn’t buy him as older JD. Still, he was easy on the eyes …

Just sayin’.

Architecture Wednesday: Southern Charm

A little something different today; a home for sale in Smallville, well, Camden, to be exact.

It’s a fully fenced, nine-acre horse property, right in town, in the Historic District. Four bedrooms and five bathrooms—one always needs a spare—as a master suite with an office. There is a media room, family room, exercise room, several sun porches, screened and unscreened, a guest cottage, six fireplaces, one gas fireplace and five wood-burning , as well as the barn, the riding ring and the stables.

You’re bringing your horses, right, cuz this one is For Sale!? And they're only asking $1.35 million.

It's a steal, I say, a steal!

Realtor.com