The Funny Papers

David Horsey, John Cole, Nate Beeler, Mike Luckovich, Steve Benson, Clay Bennett, Bill Day, Scott Stantis, Darrin Bell, Mike Smith

It's Snarkurday!

So, earlier this week, former Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi star, Erin Moran died and Chachi himself, _____-supporter and all-around ass, Scott Baio basically said she deserved to die of an ALLEGED heroin overdose, because she had a drug and alcohol problem her whole life.

Actually, the problem was Moran died from cancer, but that didn’t stop Chachi from acting like a dick, and a tiny one, according to Moran’s brother, Tony Moran.

But first, once Baio learned the truth of Moran’s death, he went on Twitter to whine about how the Fake Media is making him the bad guy because he never knew Moran had cancer. Um, Scott, then shut your pie-hole if you don’t know what you’re talking about, m’kay?

But Tony Moran wasn’t having it, and went off on Baio on Twitter and Facebook:

“A special shout out to Scott Baio. I already went on Twitter about you. I hope it finds you. You and my lil sis had a very very brief fling. She dumped you. 2 reasons. 1. She told me that you were more like a lil girl and not a man. 2. She told me that you were tiny. Ya know. Barely a man in the man region. True story! Scott, I'd advise you to get on your knees and pray you never run into me.”

I say good on Tony for defending his sister and yet, even though that was good, he wasn’t finished with Baio after Baio’s wife, Renee came for Tony:

“Well guys. Guess what? I was contacted by Scott Baio's wife. His wife! Fucking coward! I've never met her. I do know the scumbag piece of shit Scott Baio tho. He was a piece of shit back then and still is. He had his wife contact me! Very apologetic and shit. Doesn't surprise me. It's too late you motherfucking pieces of shit! Go back under the rock you crawled out from under. There isn't one word I want to hear you speak. Makes me sick to my stomach.”

Here’s the deal: maybe Tony went a bit too far, but Scott Baio, and his wife, need to think before they speak, and not slam someone who has just died, because Erin Moran had a husband and a family she left behind and they don’t need Scott Baio’s tiny-dicked opinions about her.

No wonder he supported _____; tiny dicks stick together.

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Blake Lively is a fashionista; I mean, she went to Cannes last year with her husband, Ryan Reynolds—the best fashion accessory ever—and was photographed posing nearly every single day, and sometimes more than once a day, in a new outfit.

And she reveled in it, Tweeting the pictures, Instagramming the pictures. But, now, all of the sudden, Blake Lively doesn’t want to talk fashion even though she has had more fashion contracts than most A-list models: she’s been the face of Chanel handbags, Gucci and Michael Kors, for example.

When she was honored at Variety’s Power of Women event—Blake Lively? Power? Um, no—for getting a non-profit some time at a big conference she used the red carpet, where women wear great clothes and talk about them, to complain about being asked about her outfit:

“Really? At this event, you’re asking me about my outfit? Seriously…would you ask a man that? I’m here so we…become more aware, and that we change, and that we build (women up). So, you can ask me another question.” 

Had it been me asking the question, I would have been all:

“Um, okay ... why such a bitch, Blake? I mean, you’ve made a name for yourself by posing in fashion, being the face of fashion, and yet you don’t wanna talk about your fashion? Bye Felicia.”

Seriously, if Blake Lively weren’t Missus Ryan Reynolds she’d be asking me if I wanted my Starbucks for here or to-go.

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So, former Spice Girl Mel B and soon-to-be ex-husband, Stephen Belafonte’s divorce is really, really ugly. She has a pill problem ... ALLEGEDLY; he’s abusive ... ALLEGEDLY; he cheated on her with the nanny and got her pregnant and made Mel pay for an abortion ... ALLEGEDLY; she used to drug the nanny and force her into threesomes.

Not so ALLEGEDLY?

Yup ... Lorraine Gilles, the aforementioned nanny, filed a defamation lawsuit against Mel claiming that Scary Spice used to get her drunk and seduce her into group sex with her and the husband.  And, not to be outdone, Mel is counter-attacking that Stephen and Gilles are trying to blackmail her with sex tapes.

Gilles suit, though, is the best and dirtiest, because she claims to have had a sexual relationship with both Mel and Stephen over the last seven years.

Talk about spice, girl. Nanny sex; threesome sex; drunken sex.

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Another high profile divorce getting dirty is that of Mary J. Blige and Kendu Isaac.

Mary married Kendu Isaacs in 2003 and they split last year, when Mary filed for divorce and asked the court to deny his bid—$110,000 a month—for spousal support.

Since the pair have no children, the fight naturally turns to the coins, and Mary claims Kendu already spent any money he should get on his mistress ... who just happens to be Mary’s protégé, someone called Starshell, a much younger woman whom Blige took under her wing.

It’s ironic, all these old movies getting a reboot; Bradley Cooper is remaking A Star Is Born with Lady Gaga and Mary J. Blige is reliving All About Eve at home.

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You know you’re a drama queen when you have so much drama that it takes years to get through them all.

I’m looking at you, Aretha; Franklin, that is.

Aretha has finally gotten around to slamming her longtime rival Dionne Warwick for saying something nasty about her at Whitney Houston’s funeral ... five years ago. Best of all, Aretha slapped back at Dionne via a fax machine because the Queen don’t Twitter, text, or email.

The Associated Press spoke to Aretha on the phone after she sent them that fax to explain how furious, furious I tell ya, she was that, at Whitney’s funeral, Dionne tried to introduce Aretha to the funeral-goers but when she realized Aretha wasn’t there, Dionne said:

“‘Ree’s not here, but she is here. She loves Whitney as if she were born to her. She is her godmother.”

Aretha is mad because she is not Whitney’s godmother—that would be one Darlene Love—so why get her bloomers in a snit over that, especially a snit that boiled and bubbled for five years?

Aretha told the AP that she waited until now to say something because back then, there was too much drama going on, and so she waited, and plotted, and ate some pie. And then thought on it, and had some cake, and then put on a hat for Obama’s inauguration, and then thought on it some more until ... BAM ... it’s 2017 and she could tell the world:

“She blatantly lied on me … fully well knowing what she was doing."

And, in addition to waiting five years to spill the tea, Aretha is gonna wait even longer until she forgives Dionne. The two ran into one another at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of the Clive Davis documentary last week, and went all Bette and Joan on one another:

Dionne said, “Give me a hug.”

Aretha said, “Oh hell no. You couldn’t be serious.”

And lest anyone think all Dionne needs to do is apologize, do not hold your breath:

“I don’t care about her apology, at this point it isn’t about an apology, it’s about libel. We’ve never been friends and I don’t think that Dionne has ever liked me.”

When the AP asked Dionne’s rep for a response he said:

“She will not dignify a response to the statement made by Aretha Franklin.”

I’m torn ... I could go Team Aretha and share some chicken with her, or I could go Team Dionne because she just made a stupid mistake.

Plus, if I go Team Dionne, it’ll take Aretha about five years to come for me.

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Almost two months have passed since Faye Dunaway’s frozen face screeched out the wrong film at the Oscars and she is still all kinds of bothered by it.

Faye did an interview with Lester Holt to promote her new movie, The Case for Christ, and she talked about the Best Picture mistake:

“It’s a moment I still have not recovered from. We had planned to come on stage, do some banter, see the film clips. Then Warren was supposed to open the envelope, and then for suspense, pass me the card to read the winner. We rehearsed the whole thing. What happened that night was Warren opened the envelope, took the card out and didn’t speak…I was trying to tell him, ‘Let’s get on with it.’ And I read the name of the film on the card. And it was the wrong name.”

Wait; you rehearsed that? Cuz the story coming from everyone else is that Faye and Warren scarcely spoke to one another at all, before, during, and after the debacle.

Faye adds that she felt “very guilty” and wonders why she didn’t see Emma Stone’s name on the top of the card.

Really Faye? That makes you feel guilty? Not The Eyes of Laura Mars? Not Mommie Dearest? Not your new face?

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Gosh, I was so on Team Caitlyn when she came out as transgender and then she started to speak and well, between the anti-marriage equality bull shiz and the _____ support, I quickly grew tired of her and her “Look at me!” antics. And those, apparently, are getting worse every day.

Caitlyn appeared on “Live with Kelly” this week and was, well, a Kardastrophe-esque-sized bitcunt.

Jenner, promoting her memoir, “The Secrets of My Life,” continuously cut off Kelly Ripa and guest co-host John Leguizamo. And, for some reason, she asked Kelly when she first identified as a female.

“Just think about that. When did you know you were a girl?”

Jenner then made Leguizamo her target, asking if he enjoyed dressing in drag in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.

Apparently she thinks she the poster gal for transgender people; she’s not. She’s a famewhore trying to sell a book and make some coins because her “career” on reality TV is done.

Worse of all is that Caitlyn didn’t even let the hosts ask questions; she asked herself the questions, and then answered them ...

 “I’m actually very excited to be here. Why? Because today, the 25th of April ... my book comes out and I don’t have a secret left in my life.”

Later on, Jenner again interrupted the hosts to whine about being snubbed by the program:

“I have been around for 40 years, from the old ‘Regis and Kathie Lee’ — Kathie Lee’s [Gifford] the godmother to some of my children — and all this kind of stuff. I’ve watched your show for years, I’ve seen you go through all this stuff, and I’ve never been asked to co-host.”

And, hon, you never will. The Caitlyn Jenner Show has been canceled.

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Good News Friday: Making Lemonade ....

On Good Friday, on Gay Street in Greenwich Village, someone chained, and locked to an apartment gate, a giant wooden cross.

And then, over the next nine days, that “someone” would return to Gay Street and chain the cross to different parts of the street making it impossible for others to move it.

“To be honest, I’m a Christian, and the cross means, love, peace and hope. And it was clear the owner of this cross did not share those values. Whatever [this person’s] point, [it] was lost in translation. Their actions were pointless and annoying.”— Micah Latter, resident of Gay Street, whose gate the cross was first chained to.

Micah Latter watched as the cross was moved over those nine days, and posted daily Instagram updates of its location; she tried to get it removed but no one offered a solution so she came up with her own plan.

She and the neighbors would turn the cross into a symbol of love and acceptance and take the power back from its owner.

Micah Latter and ten of her neighbors and friends gathered together one Sunday afternoon to paint the cross the colors of the LGBTQ rainbow flag; they sipped champagne while they painted, and removed the old locks, changing them to new ones so that “someone” could no longer move it.

And they gave it a name: “The Love Cross.”

As for the cross’ original owner, Latter and the residents of Gay Street left their own message:

“Sorry you can’t move the cross anymore.  We added our own love lock to your chain and superglued both key holes. The Love Cross belongs to the street now, so thank you!”

See? When The Gays are given lemons, they make lemonade ... and Lemon Drop Martinis ... Lemon Meringue Pie ... they garnish a Poached Salmon with them ... they candy the Lemon Slices ... they ... they ... they take something ugly and make it beautiful.

On Gay Street, of course.

Have a good weekend ... make some Lemonade.

Huffington Post

I Didn't Say It ....

Ellen DeGeneres, on coming out on TV, and in real life, twenty years ago:

“It became more important to me than my career. I suddenly said, ‘Why am I being, you know, ashamed of who I am just to be successful and famous in society’s eyes?’ … And then I thought, the character on the show is clearly struggling. There’s no relationship. It was pretty clear it would be an easy transition for her to realize she was gay, which was why her relationships with men weren’t working out.”

And with those simple words—‘I’m gay’—spoken into a microphone at an airport, Ellen Morgan, and Ellen DeGeneres made history.

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Shepard Smith, Fox News host, on the Flynn business and the _____ connection:

“The situation is unprecedented. Never in American history has a man so close to the president, on his cabinet, the national security advisor no less, been accused of committing a crime by taking money from a foreign entity, much less one connected to the Russians. At the core of all this is the Russians interfered with our elections. General Flynn received money through an entity that was from the Russians. And what they want to know is was there collusion? The White House at least is giving the appearance, according to these congressional leaders, of a lack of cooperation, which could give an overall appearance that they’re trying to cover something up. Why not quit with all the semantic juggling and stuff and get to the bottom of this as quickly as possible?” 

We can talk walls and Muslim bans and the EPA and any number of other things, but it’s gonna be Russia that sends _____ packing.

And I cannot wait.

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Dan Savage, donating money from his resistance organizations to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood and IRAP:

“This morning I had the distinct pleasure of mailing off checks to Planned Parenthood ($33,333.34), the ACLU ($33,333.33) and the International Refugee Assistance Project ($33,333.33)—money we raised selling ITMFA [“Impeach The Mother Fucker Already” buttons, t-shirts, hats, stickers, coffee cups, and lapel pins at ITMFA.org and ImpeachTheMotherFuckerAlready.com. And I got to mail those checks out because nearly 10,000 Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners have ordered #ITMFA gear over the last eight weeks!”

Impeach the MotherFucker already!

I’m in!

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Magic Johnson, reflecting on his son EJ Johnson coming out;

“I think it’s all about you not trying to decide what your daughter or son should be or what you want them to become. It’s all about loving them no matter who they are [and] what they decide to do. I was so happy for him and happy for us as parents. EJ is amazing.”

That’s it in a nutshell; your child’s coming out is never about you, it’s just about them, about happiness and self-acceptance.

Good on Magic and his wife.

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Ryan Murphy, creator of Feud: Bette & Joan, on the last episode where Joan Crawford, hallucinates a visit by Bette Davis:

"So we know that Joan was talking to people in her mind, and what if one of those people was Bette. I wanted to give the audience something that Joan and Bette actually did not have: a sense of closure. They talked about it individually, like ‘Oh I wish I would have handled it better.’ But I thought what if they said that to each other’s face? Obviously that conversation never happened, but it could have happened in Crawford’s imagination [and] it was inspired in part by the fact that Bette Davis said she had regrets ... It was based on the Crawford death research and what Bette Davis told me."

I just think that if those two women had learned to understand one another, oh, the things they could have done in Hollywood. But the studios and the press created a feud, created the friction, and the two women bought into it never knowing what might have been ...

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Marco Rubio, Republican Florida Senator, denouncing the detention, torture, and murder of gay men in Chechnya, on the Senate floor:

“Unfortunately this is not a new reality for those living under the brutal tyranny of the Chechen leader, who by the way happens to be a loyal ally of Vladimir Putin. There have been reports in the past of similar abuses, although these reports seem to be the most brutal and should provoke anger in all of us. We should never, ever tolerate human rights violations against any person for their political views, their religious beliefs, or their sexual orientation. ... The United States and other responsible nations should do more to ensure that all people are protected, and those who harm them are held responsible. We should use our voice on the global stage to call attention to these horrifying acts and to ensure that they are condemned in an appropriate way, and ultimately in the hopes that they will be stopped.”

I never thought I’d say this, but good on Marco.

I mean, he’s not running for reelection so this isn’t some kind of pandering, I don’t think.

Maybe he’s actually had an awakening.

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Brian Sims, openly gay Pennsylvania state Representative, taking on a Facebook troll—first name David—who wrote the words "N****r F****t" on Sims' page:

“David, I can’t tell if you’re just a really dumb little boy or an angry bigot but I know for sure that you shouldn’t have posted your grandmother’s telephone number on your Facebook page. She and I just had a very disappointing chat about you. We’ll talk soon.”

Snap. Smack. Bam.

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Random Musings

Ivanka _____ was in Germany this week, attending a women’s summit and getting booed for saying her father, AKA PussyGrabber, empowers women.

At the same time, PussyGrabber, AKA President _____, was hosting UN Ambassadors at the White House and asked those assembled if his pick for USs Ambassador, Nikki Haley, was being nice to them; he then added, “If she isn’t, we’ll get rid of her.”

Ah, that’s empowering.

There was a recent piece of legislation proposed in Maryland called the Rape Survivor Family Protection Act, which would have allowed women who have children as a result of rape to block the rapists’ parental rights.

See, if a woman chooses to raise the child herself, it could mean her rapist would become a part of her life for the next 18 years; or, the rapist could hinder efforts to place the child up for adoption by demanding parental rights.

The panel reportedly ran out of time on the last day of the state’s General Assembly and let the legislation fall by the wayside.  The Assembly isn’t set to reconvene until Jan. 10, 2018. Maryland remains one of seven states without a law that protects women from being forced to share custody with their rapists.

Oh, and before I forget, there was not one single woman on that panel; it was a group of men who let that legislation fall by the wayside.

The first season of Feud ended Sunday and it was fabulouuuuuus! Now, they’re working on Season Two about Princess Diana’s tumultuous marriage. But, because the show is so popular, the third season is in the works and creator Ryan Murphy has said it will be gay-themed.

As if Feud: Bette & Joan wasn’t gay-themed? But I digress ...

Since he’s done female-on-female and male-on-female face-offs, he’s got a male-on-male feud in mind:

“I have one good idea, but I have to get the right actors. It’s something Mark Ruffalo and I had talked about hearing. He’s a buddy of mine from The Normal Heart, so we talked about something, but I don’t know yet. I haven’t locked into it.”

Beyond that, though, his lips are sealed—he won’t begin Season three for another year—so we’ve got time for the details, but ...

Who do you think a gay-themed third season of Feud should involve?

So ... two new shows, two hot men.

Starz has a new bodice-ripper, The White Princess, about King Henry VII and Elizabeth of York. It stars Jacob Collin’s Levy, right, as Henry and, well, I’ll just say, one episode in, Henry has a fine ass.

Also, Showtime has Guerrilla, about the Civil Rights movement in England in the 1970s and it stars perennial Hot Man, Idris Elba—left ... swoon—although he’s wearing an awful haircut in this one; still, he’s Idris Elba.

That’s all.

Shawn Barber, Canadian Olympic pole vault champion, has come out as gay in a Facebook post:

“Gay and proud! Thank you to my parents for being such a great support. I continue to grow as a person and have a great support group. My parents are my greatest support and have helped me through a lot recently. To my friends, you are always my friends and I love you too!”

Of course he’s gay, I said to Carlos, he’s a “pole” vaulter. He's also a hottie.

I apologize for that, and send Shawn, a hottie in his own right, a copy of The Gay Agenda and the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven from HOMO HQ.

Welcome out, Shawn.

President _____ went to Walter Reed National Medical Center last Saturday where he awarded the Purple Heart to Army Sergeant First Class Alvaro Barrientos, saying:

"When I heard about this, I wanted to do it myself. Congratulations … tremendous.”

Congratulations on receiving a medal given to soldiers who were wounded or killed in battle.

I ‘m thinking most soldiers do go into battle hoping to be given a Purple Heart but then Draft Dodging Donald wouldn’t know that.

Erin Moran, Joanie from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, died this week and while most of her former castmates remembered her fondly, _____ supporter and all-around fuckmonkey, Scott Baio, said this about Moran:

“For me, you do drugs or drink, you’re gonna die. And I’m sorry if that’s cold, but… God gave you a brain, gave you the will to live and thrive, and you gotta take care of yourself.”

Erin Moran died of stage 4 cancer and Scott Baio is a heartless dick.

I was born in Biloxi, Mississippi, but remember nothing about it because we moved to California when I was six months old and I have never been back.

That may change because, this week, Biloxi has made the decision to remove the Mississippi state flag from all city buildings because it bears the Confederate battle as part of its design.

That symbol of hate will no longer fly in Biloxi; good on them.

Embattled homophobic Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore lost his effort to regain his job this week when the Alabama Supreme Court upheld his suspension for urging defiance of that federal ruling regarding same-sex marriage.

Moore, unhinged as ever, lashed out at the ruling, saying he considers his suspension to be both illegal and a "clear disregard of the will of the people who elected me chief justice."

Except that, as a judge, you fuckmonkey, you failed to follow the law.

Moore is said to be considering a run for the Alabama Senate.

Seriously, Alabama? You look bad enough already; don’t make it worse by electing this idiot to any other public office.

So, there’s a new film being shopped around that would chronicle Madonna’s early years—when she was relevant—as a recording artist in New York in the 1980s; Elyse Hollander’s script for Blond Ambition topped the 2016 “Black List,” an annual ranking of the best unproduced screenplays in Hollywood. Michael De Luca, who produced Fifty Shades of Grey, is set to produce but there are no details on who will play Madge.

There are all kinds of details about how Madge feels about the idea though ... she is not happy and took her mood to Instagram:

“Nobody knows what I know and what I have seen. Only I can tell my story. Anyone else who tries is a charlatan and a fool ... Looking for instant gratification without doing the work. This is a disease in our society.”

Funny she says that now, but failed to ever say it about any other film biography.

How long until she describes the film as a kind of rape or an anti-women idea?

Sit down Madge.

Lord, the things people make, the things people buy, and the prices they pay for them.

Apparently Fergie created a pair of holey jeans with a fake piss stain on the crotch and was charging $2,300 a pair for them. Seriously; the “I Pissed Myself” jeans?

But now, another loony entrepreneur, PRPS, is selling a pair of $425 jeans for people who want to look like they’ve been working in the farm all day but don’t want to actually work in the farm all day.

Yes, the jeans are designed to look as though you’ve been working in the mud all day. On the Nordstrom website they’re described like this:

“Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.”

Come on down to Smallville; I’m headed to Goodwill to stock up on old jeans that I’m going throw in a mud puddle out back and sell for $300 a pair.

Or, a better idea, I’ll just head to the local high school and shove kids in the dirt and mud and charge them a hundred bucks for my Fashion Advice.

Until I get arrested ...