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First things first: I thought Chris Rock nailed it. He brought up the #OscarsSoWhite controversy and made jokes about it, put it in its place, and offered up a solution, an idea, a way to make things more diverse, for actors and directors of all colors and genders and orientations and … and …
“I’m here at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the White People’s Choice Awards.”
And so, let’s get on with it. First up is Emily Blunt, pretty and pink with a baby bump, and Charlize Theron, looking like the Devil wore Dior ... BEST ORIGINIAL SCREENPLAY … Spotlight …
Ryan Gosling …HOT MAN ALERT … and Russell Crowe … Gosh, Russell, as Carlos pointed out, is old, but that Ryan Gosling is fine … and funny. He brought the high-larity to the Golden Globes with Brad Pitt and kept it up last night with Crowe ...
“We have two academy awards between us.”
“Have you won one?”
“No, but you have two, so we have two between us.”
… BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … The Big Short … Whoopi with a mop in Joy … Tracey Morgan as The Danish Girl … “These Danishes is good, girl.” … Whoopi with a mop in The Black Martian …
“You realize if they nominated hosts, I wouldn’t even get this job! You’d all be watching Neil Patrick Harris right now.” 
The one spot where Chris Rock’s skills fell flat was having Stacey Dash … of Fox News … to come out as the Academy’s Minority Outreach Coordinator … Dash thought the whole #OscarsSoWhite mess was just dumb … as was this bit … Luckily Sarah Silverman came out to skewer James Bond … “[He’s] not a grower, or a shower.” … and noted that Bond has slept with 55 women in 24 films, and most of them wanted to kill him afterwards … Sarah introduces Sam Smith to sing “The Writing’s On The Wall” from Spectre … Sam is way too skinny these days and is really channeling some George Michael … hopefully he won’t channel him into the men’s room later on …
“No black nominees. People are like, ‘Chris you should boycott, Chris you should quit.’ How come it’s only unemployed people that tell you to quit something? … I thought about quitting. I thought about it really hard. But I realized they’re gonna have the Oscars anyway. They’re not gonna cancel the Oscars because I quit. And the last thing I need is to lose another job to Kevin Hart, okay?” 
Kerry Washington and Henry Cavill … HOT MAN ALERT … with his shirt on, gosh darn-it ... introduce The Martian and The Big Short … JK Simmons presents … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS … Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl … Oy, that dress … a urine-stained sheet … but I loved Tom Hopper, her director, and his cute shy-guy wave from the audience … and the way Eddie Redmayne always seems to be on the verge of tears ....
Cate Blanchett is up next for BEST COSTUME DESIGN … Jenny Beavan for Mad Max: Fury Road … Carlos, who knows zero about pop culture and cannot remember who anyone is, remarked that Jenny looked like Bruce Vilanch … I choked on my tea …
Chris Rock, on how Paul Giamatti is a great actor …
“Last year he was in Twelve Years a Slave and he hates black people. This year he was in Straight Outta Compton and he loves black people. Last year he was whupping Lupita and this year he was crying at Eazy E's funeral! Now that's range!”
Tina Fey and Steve Carrel step out for a little schtick about set design … “that thing where bears live” … BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN … Mad Max: Fury Road …
And then we have Margot Robie and Jared Leto … HOT MAN ALERT … to talk prosthetic penises and merkins … BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP STYLING … Mad Max: Fury Road … followed by Benicio del Toro and Jennifer Garner introducing the next couple of Best Picture nominees … what an odd pairing … he’s so serious and she’s so cotton candy … The Revenant and Max Mad: Fury Road …
“Why are we protesting this Oscars? It’s the 88th Academy Awards, which means this ‘no black nominees’ thing happened at least 71 other times. You got to figure that it happened in the ’50s, in the ’60s. One of those years, Sidney didn’t put out a movie. I’m sure there were no black nominees some of those years, say ‘62 or ‘63. Black people did not protest. Why? Because we had real things to protest at the time. We were too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won best cinematography. When your grandmother’s swinging from a tree, it’s really hard to care about best documentary foreign short.” 
That one stung a little, but that’s the great thing about Rock’s comedy: it stings while it makes you laugh and makes you think … Rachel McAdams and Michel B. Jordan … HOT MAN ALERT … BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY … The Revenant …
“Everybody went mad [this year] … Jada [Pinkett Smith] got mad. Jada said she’s not coming. Isn’t she on a TV show? Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited. I understand you’re mad. I’m not hating. … Jada’s mad her man Will [Smith] was not nominated for Concussion. I get it … It’s not fair that Will was this good and didn’t get nominated. You’re right. It’s also not fair that Will was paid $20 million for Wild Wild West, okay?” 
Priyanka Chopra and Live Schrieber … HOT MAN ALERT … BEST EDITING … Mad Max: Fury Road, Margaret Sixel in sensible shoes … We have a Black History Month where Angela Bassett talks about that great actor, producer, singer … Jack Black …
“This year, things are going to be a little different. This year, in the In Memoriam package, it’s just going to be black people that were shot by the cops on their way to the movies … yes I said it!” 
Chadwick Boseman and Chris Evans … DOUBLE HOT MAN ALERT … that’s what I call a Manwich … BEST SOUND EDITING …Mad Max: Fury Road … and BEST SOUND MIXING … Mad Max: Fury Road … Andy Serkis … the CGI actor from those hobbit movies and those ape movies …. BEST VISUAL EFFECTS … Ex Machina …
"Things are changing. We got a Black Rocky. Some people call it Creed, but I call it Black Rocky. It takes place where white athletes are as good as black athletes. Rocky is science fiction. There are things that happen in Star Wars that are more believable than Rocky."
Jason Siegel and Olivia Munn appear to talk about the Sci-Tech Oscars … I get some more tea … C3PO and R2D2 and that little round one … BB8 … the look on little Jacob Tremblay’s face was priceless … And Chris is back doing a riff … or a steal … of Ellen’s pizza delivery man from last year by having Girl Scouts sell cookies to the crowd … not so funny, that one … The Minions come out for BEST ANIMATED SHORT … Bear Stuff … followed by Woody and Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story …BEST ANIMATED FEATURE … Inside Out … Is it just me, or does anyone else hate this bit about having cartoons characters present awards? Yeah, probably just me … Kevin Hart in his little suit … I do not find him funny, though I liked his comments about black actors not being waylaid by the negativity of the #OscarsSoWhite and reminding us that one day, sooner, hopefully, this will all be a memory … The Weeknd sings “Earned It” from Fifty Shades of Gray … beautiful song, horrid film … I tried to watch it on cable and was bored about six minutes in …Chris Rock at a theater in Compton talking white films and black films and #OscarsSoWhite … pretty hilarious stuff …
“Is it smack a white man bad?” “You go to jail for smacking a white man in LA.” “You’d get three years for a hard look.”
Patricia Arquette … BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR … Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies … Rumor had it this one was going to Stallone … not so much … I worry that he might punch Rylance backstage …Louis CK … BEST DOCUMENSTARY SHORT … the awards for people who really need them because these Oscars don’t go home in limos, they go home in Honda Civics … A Girl In The River: The Price of Forgiveness … then Chris introduces the accountants … three small Asian children ... and in case you found it offensive …
"If anyone is upset about that joke, just tweet about it on your phone that was also made by these kids."
Daisy Ridley and Dev Patel … why is he there … where has he been … BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … Amy … Whoopi is back again … side note: I saw a Tweet where the person Tweeting thought Whoopi was Oprah … Yeah, a black woman at the Oscars and it must be Oprah … or Cheryl Boone Isaacs, the president of the Academy … Bathroom Break … Louis Gossett Jr gets to introduce the Death Crawl, er, In Memoriam … Dave Grohl singing Blackbird Singing In The Dead of Night … Jacob Tremblay and Abraham Attah … cute kids … BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … Stutterer … two winners, three people onstage …. Huh? What? …
Byung Hun Lee … HOT MAN ALERT … and Sofia Vergara … BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM … Son of Saul … and then Joe Biden, Vice President Joe Biden, comes out to a standing ovation … maybe he should’a run for president ... to introduce Lady Gaga’s performance of “Till It Happens To you” about being raped and the rape culture, for both men and women, on college campuses … Gaga’s performance was amazingly beautiful … with rape survivors coming onstage at the end …
Chris Rock on this new trend of not asking the women “who” they’re wearing because they don’t ask the men …
"If George Clooney showed up wearing a lime green tux, and a swan coming out of his ass, somebody would go, "Whatcha wearin', George?' "
Quincy Jones … too old now for Oscar because he rambled ... and the newly blond, but still short-pant wearing Pharrell … BEST ORIGINIAL SCORE … The Hateful Eight, Ennio Morricone … great score, but the images of Jennifer Jason Leigh ‘a’scurred me … John Legend and Common are up next … BEST SONG … Sam Smith and Jimmy Napes for “The Writing’s On The Wall” from Spectre … Jimmy Napes is Totes Adorbs …. Not so cute is Sacha Baron Cohen who appeared with Olivia Wilde and Her Breasts … He hijacks the moment to make a bunch of stupid jokes … they introduce Room and Brooklyn …
"Is Hollywood racist? You're damn right. But Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like, 'We like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.'" 
And that was the show … long, as usual, not a lot of surprises … well, Stallone going home empty … some dull spots, as usual … cartoon characters …. Sacha Baron Cohen … long speeches by people we don’t know … but all in all a good show made memorable by Chris Rock … #BlackActorsLivesMatter
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Monday, February 29, 2016
Oscars ... Observations ... Oscarvations ... Chris Rock ... Sarah Silverman ... And Hot Men
Oscar Fashions: The Good, The Bad, The Meh, The Wax
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THE VERY BEST
Cate Blanchett. Yes, she usually goes very high fashion and many times high fashion is a WTF Moment, but this time high fashion is gorgeous. It looks like a swarm of butterflies has gathered together to make her a gown.
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THE BEST
Naomi Watts; sure it’s simple, but it’s the sequins and the colors they create that make this one a standout.
Charlize Theron. Dayum. Hot, sexy, chic. If she’d shown up like this in Fury road, no one would have been mad.
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THE VERY GOOD — clockwise
Brie Larson. Yeah, it seemed a lock that she would win, but she still brought out the fun and flirty.
Daisy Ridley wasn’t taking the Oscars too seriously, and she rocked it in this little cocktail number that looks like it was pilfered from Lady Mary’s closet on Downton Abbey.
Julianne Moore is another one that goes haute couture and sometimes it seems so wrong. Not last night. This says “I won an Oscar last year and I am still fabulous!”
Jennifer Lawrence, the Academy’s Darling — I mean, how else do you explain her nomination for ‘Joy,’ which was a good film, not a great one? So, she opted for sexy and fun because she knew she’d never be onstage.
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THE GOOD — clockwise
Kerry Washington. Bondage and Puritan. I love the leather loops. Sexy.Chic.
Rachel McAdams. This is very simple, but in the back it is, “Is that butt crack” fabulousness.
Kate Winslet looked like she sank with the Titanic and swam through an oil slick on the way to the show. And I mean that in a good way. Seriously … it’s liquid perfection.
Saoirse Ronan. It’s another simple sequined dress, but the color and the pattern are beautiful on her. Plus, you know, she has that accent which makes everything seem fabulous.
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THE MEH
Lady Gaga. Yes, we know you all serious and shiz, but I expected so much more from you. Who knew that people would actually say, “Gaga wore pants to the Oscars! How darting!” The.Woman.Wore.Meat.Once.
Margot Robie. Yeah, we get it; you thought you’d dress like an Oscar, but it looks more like someone made a gown out of the leftover scraps from the pantsuit Susan Hayward wore in the bathroom scene in Valley of the Dolls. Google that reference.
Reese Witherspoon. Does she own stock in the Boring Strapless Gown Factory? In the Simple Hair Club? God, stay home if you can’t be bothered to do something interesting.
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MOST IMPROVED
Tina Fey. Um, Reese, if you’re gonna do purple strapless, do it like Tina, m’kay?
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WTF
Amy Poehler. This doesn’t say, “Oscars”; it says “I made a dress that looks like the couch cover. Now hand me the pork rinds.”
Rooney Mara. The Ghost of Oscars Past … the past that Oscars is trying to forget. I mean, this is the quintessential #OscarsSoWhite dress.
Olivia Wilde in a dress similar to one Alicia Vikander wore to the Globes. Alicia’s was hideous … too … but at least she wasn’t giving us front and side boobs. Plus, does it look like she wearing a t-shirt with the boobs painted on it?
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THE WORST
Alicia Vikander. It looks like a yellow sheet that was lying on the floor of a dance club and the disco ball fell from the ceiling and shattered all over it. No.
Charlotte Rampling. Yes, I know she’s a woman of a certain age, but does that mean she needs to wear a shiny housecoat? I have two words for Charlotte: Helen Mirren.
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THE WORST OF THE WORST
Heidi Klum, super model, fashionista, looking like she rummaged through Blanche's closet on The Golden Girls, dragged this number out of the back, and ripped one sleeve off while doing so.
Stop it, Heidi, you're better than this ... or at least you used to be.
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THE MENS
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THE BEST
Eddie Redmayne knows how to wear a tuxedo. If he wasn’t so skinny, and didn’t always look on the verge of tears, he’d made a good James Bond.
Henry Cavill. If he couldn’t come shirtless, this will do.
Michael Strahan. A big man in a colored suit is always a good thing; and he was having a good time, too!
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THE GOOD
Byung Hun Lee. I don’t know who he is, but he is smoking hot in that suit. Quick Google and … he’s a Korean actor. I haven’t seen him in anything, but I may be seeing him in my dreams.
Leonardo DiCaprio is always safe, but, hey, he was gonna win an Oscar so why try to outdo that moment?
Jared Leto always brings something different, like a rose corsage instead of a tie; loved it. But the shoes said, “I just got finished playing b-ball at the manse and then I came to the Oscars.”
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THE MEH
Stephan Moccio. He wrote one of the nominated songs, but The Meh has to do with that shirt. It looks exactly like a white denim shirt with black buttons that I gave to Good will last yea — Hey!
Sam Smith. He’s becoming George Michael with the painted on beard and hair. And, yeah, he’s lost a lot of weight but he needs to stop now.
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THE HOUSE OF WAX
“Sylvester Stallone and his wife Jennifer Flavin regret that they cannot attend the Oscars. Please seat these two Madame Tussauds figures in their seats.”
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THE WORST
Orlando Jones. I like a cool suit, but this one makes him look like he’s working the seafood station at the All You Can Eat Brunch Buffet at the Wagon-Wheel Casino in Reno.
Common. Damn he’s hot. But black shoes with a white tux always throws me; and white shoes would have said “Who wants ice cream?” Maybe a white jacket and black pants? Call me, Common.
Kevin Hart. Another Geranial’s ensemble for this little man. It looks okay hears, but on TV it looked like Christmas lights on the lapels. I do not want that under my tree.
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US Magazine
Pop Sugar
Harpers Bazaar
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
It's Snarkurday!
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I always like how Jennifer Lawrence tries to play herself off as just a Regular Jen.
See her fall down at the Oscars! Watch her barf on a red carpet! Hear her talk about farting! Watch her have an entire boutique in New York City shut down so she could shop!
Wait … what? Yup, JLaw went into Alexander Wang’s shop in Soho last week and had the store shut down for an hour — customers, regular folk, you know, were turned away — so she could browse without the riff-raff getting too close.
Regular Jen? Not so much.
Sean Hayes plays God in “An Act of God,” now playing in LA, and he’s taking the role to heart, even if it means calling out Candy Spelling for being late to the theater.
On opening night, the late Candy Spelling tried to slip into her seat unnoticed when God, er, Sean Hayes said, from the stage:
“I am the Lord ... but I’ll wait.”
Yes, even God waits for Candy Spelling to find a seat.
Jared Leto is one of those “method Actors” who has to live the role while he plays the role … as he did while playing The Joker in the upcoming Suicide Squad.
He opted to send out Welcome To The Production Gifts to the cast … like bullets for Will Smith — to possibly send out to Oscar voters next year if he’s snubbed again — and a live rat he sent to Margot Robie. Leto even sent a special gift to Viola Davis:
“The Joker – he did some bad things, Jared Leto did. He gave some really horrific gifts. He had a henchman who’d come into the rehearsal room, and the henchman came in with a dead pig, and plopped it on the table. And then he walked out. And that was our introduction into Jared Leto.”
Yup, Viola got a dead pig from Jared Leto. So what? Was FTD closed that day?
So, Rihanna bailed on the Grammys and now she’s bailing on her tour?
Well, it’s happening, but now where and how it was supposed to happen. It was ALLEGEDLY set to start this week in San Diego, but it’s been moved to March 12 … in Jacksonville, Florida. But San Diego isn’t the only city Rihanna is screwing; shows in Oakland, San Jose, Houston, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Phoenix, and New Orleans have been rescheduled for May because of … “production delays.”
Maybe the Weed Truck is delayed?
But it’s worse in England where Rihanna has simply canceled two shows in Sunderland and Cardiff due to “logistical reasons.”
The Weed Truck doesn’t have a passport?
And it’s not great in the rest of Europe; Rihanna’s show in Berlin has been moved from the Olympic Stadium to the smaller Mercedes-Benz Arena, and the same thing happened in Belgium, where she’ll be headlining a summer festival instead of her own show; in Vienna, RiRi has been moved from the Ernst Happel Stadium to the smaller Wiener Stadthalle.
Downsizing. It’s not a good look on you Rihanna!
Oh Anne Hathaway! The role of a lifetime for you and, well, better luck next time.
Last fall, Disney announced that they’re working on a musical sequel to Mary Poppins because everyone wanted one … fifty years after the first one. Well, Disney executives did because they like the idea of more coins.
Still, this Poppins sequel will take place 20 years after the first movie and will use stories from the P.L. Travers’ series. And everyone, well, at least Anne Hathaway, was brimming with excitement because Anne Hathaway would be playing Mary—
What? Rumor has it that Emily Blunt had been offered the role and is in talks with Disney and so that ear-piercing, blood-curdling, agent-firing shriek you hear is Anne Hathaway, beating the ground with an umbrella with a talking bird handle.
Chim-chim-cheree, my ass!
So, 50 Cent. Last we talked he’d filed for bankruptcy and said the idea that he be forced to pay the lawsuits he lost was akin to slavery.
But, as we know, 50 loves to post photos of himself with stacks of cash on social media — he’s been doing it forever — and now a judge wants to know where all that cash came from, and since he takes selfies with it, it must be his, and therefore he can pay all his legal bills.
In response, 50 posted a photo of himself on a street corner holding a tin cup asking for spare change.
I guess money can’t buy you happiness or, in the case of Harry Styles, deodorant.
Apparently, on a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, Kendall, the model one, and Kylie, the not-model one, talked about Harry Styles being all kinds of pig stank.
Kendall said:
“I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.”
Ouch. But Styles could be used to it, because his last girlfriend, one Taylor Swift, ALLEGEDLY refused to kiss him because he had pig stank breath.
And, speaking of stank … the king of it all, Johnny Depp. Seriously, the man looks like he never bathes, washes his clothes, brushes his teeth, or combs his hair.
But maybe that’s all wrong; I mean, he looks like a bum, and possibly reeks of alcohol, but Depp himself says that when people meet him they almost always comment on how he doesn’t smell as bad as he looks:
“When I met people they said, ‘You do look like a hobo, but you smell really good.’ And goddamn it, I smell really good!”
And he says it’s because he uses Dior perfume.
That must be some strong-assed eau de toilette.
I’ve often assumed that Ariana Grande is the reincarnation of Mariah Carey — even though Mariah isn’t dead … it’s just her career that died — and now I have proof.
A new video has surfaced of Mariah being wheeled through a hotel lobby on a special dolly with a chair attachment so Mimi’s feet don’t touch the Earth. Now, I know what you’re saying: Ariana isn’t the new Mimi because Ariana gets carried around by her handlers.
But, c’mon, how many men would it take to lift Mariah? Just sayin … a dolly chair is better.
Oh, and since we talked Rihanna and her tour d-i-saster, let’s revisit her sudden disappearance from last week’s Grammys.
I said that it seemed like she ran off before performing because she’d seen Kendrick Lamar’s rehearsal and knew that her performance was more kindergarten Christmas pageant in comparison and so she fled. Turns out, I was right.
Say it again: Bob was right.
Rihanna’s people said:
“She felt like her performance couldn’t compare [to some of the other artists’], and she was trying to avoid the embarrassment because she knew it wasn’t the right comeback performance. She said, ‘I’m not doing this.'”
Say it with me: Bob was right.
And we’ll end with Rob Kardastrophe, and the fact that his family, especially That Woman, hate the fact that he’s boning Kylie’s boyfriend’s Baby Mama, Blac Chyna.
It appears That Woman would do anything to keep Rob out of Chyna — see what I did there? — and has gone so far as to buy Rob his own home in the Kardastrophe Kommunity in the hopes that maybe he’ll move away from his piece.
Didn’t happen. In fact, it appears Rob has moved Blac Chyna into the home That Woman bought and Blac Chyna began releasing video of all of the foods That Woman bought for him: Sharon’s Sorbet, McCann’s Irish Oatmeal and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! Now that’s kinda funny, but the message Rob posted on Instagram after the move is the height of high-larity:
“When the pussy good but your family don’t like her so you drop your family and become an orphan.”
I’m guessing That Woman is flipping out in her crypt and just waiting for sunset so she can wing her way to Rob’s house and take back all the I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter!
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