I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

I don’t usually talk about Eva Mendes because I don’t really know anything interesting about her other than that she may, or may not, be dating My-Husband-In-My-Head, Ryan Gosling but then I heard this.

It seems Ms. Mendes has sparked rumors that she may be pregnant with her first child — even though she is ALLEGEDLY off-again with Gosling — when she arrived at the TSA screening point at LAX and ALLEGEDLY told officers she would not be able to pass through the body scanner "because she’s pregnant."

But it’s also ALLEGED that Ms. Mendes was rushing to make her flight and may have used the ‘I’m pregnant’ excuse to slip through TSA.

Uh huh.

Oh, Paltrow, how you do amuse.

We all know that Gwynnie is so much better than mere mortals and knows everything about what to eat and wear and say and how to live because, well, she knows everything.

But she doesn’t know much about being a good neighbor, apparently, because now that she and Mr. Paltrow, Chris Martin, have moved to LA it has come to light that they left their London home because she felt their neighbors — who were not Goop fans — were gauche and nouveau-riche.

Pot.Kettle.Paltrow.

It all began after the Goops bought their home ten years ago and then bought the property next door, joining the two houses together, and then added a third home to create a simple 33-room mansion. And the neighbors grew sick and tired of all the constant renovation noise. 

One resident said, ‘We have had years of their building works. They have taken down trees so they can park their flash cars in the driveway and they put a huge swimming pool in the back garden,. while another added, ‘The trouble is that it will probably be a similar sort that moves in and we’ll have this all over again.’

And so the Goop’s put the manse on the market for £7million — roughly 11,391,779 American — and moved to Beverly, Hills, that is.

I wonder how long before these new neighbors grow sick of Gwynnie.

So, Lohan and her shenanigans.

Lindsay Lohan claims that half of her two-piece $75K fur coat went missing from  a New York nightclub — and what’s really funny is that this is the same club where Lindsay was accused of stealing a fur coat six years ago … Karma anyone?

Lindsay didn't notice the theft until she left the club and realized she was only wearing half her coat. She instantly went back inside and the coat, er, half-coat, was missing. She then, ALLEGEDLY called everyone who was at her table to see if any of them had walked off with the half-a-coat or knew its whereabouts, and claims the only person she didn't hear from was an anonymous Seattle Seahawks player — in town for a game or something — and maybe he took the coat.

And if he did, or if he didn’t, the result of all of Lindsay’s histrionics is that she is now banned from the nightclub where she pitched her fit — and where she ALLEGEDLY stole that fur coat in ’06 — and other  clubs have followed suit.

The night after the Half-Coat Caper, Lindsay returned to 1Oak, but was denied by the doorman. A spy — probably Dina, drinking in the limo — says, “She stared the doorman down and was surprised that they wouldn’t let her in. She was definitely shaken up.” But then she tried another club, and tried sneaking in as part of a group that included Ryan Phillippe, Bar Refaeli, Paris Hilton, Kate Upton, but the same spy — definitely DUI Dina — says, “She was turned away, looked  to her friends and seemed really embarrassed.”

It’s like the Chateau Marmont all over again. Remember they banned Lindsay because she never paid her bills, and refused her entry to their property at all until Lindsay forced the producers of that movie she made that wasn’t a porn to pay her debts.

Well, it really seems now that Old Lindsay is back. Lock your doors; hide your jewels and furs and drugs, because Lohan’s on the prowl.

More Gwynnie? Remember last year when there was some gossip that Vanity Fair's Graydon Carter was doing a story on Paltrow and her Goop-ification, and the Paltrow Hate-a-thon? 

Well, months went by and no story, so the rumors grew about some sort of "epic takedown” in which Gwyneth’s shenanigans would be exposed. But more months followed, and still no article. Then word came that Gwyneth had panicked, had tried to shut VF down, then played nice with Carter in exchange for a more favorable story on her fabulous life. 

Now Carter has written about the Goop situation for the March issue, and in an online letter, he explains that he had assigned the Goop story to contributing editor Vanessa Grigoriadis after noticing that people tend to have a real love-hate/hate/hate opinion about her:

“Vanessa turned in her story at the end of the summer. And it was just what had been assigned — a reasoned, reported essay on the hate/love-fest that encircles Gwyneth Paltrow. I thought it perfectly explained the whole phenomenon. But it was such a far cry from the almost mythical story that people were by now expecting — ... filled with “bombshell” revelations — that it was bound to be a disappointment. What to do? I decided to sit on it for a time.

In October, Gwyneth called me. We talked for about 20 minutes about the story and her reaction, or over-reaction, to it. At one point, she asked my advice as to what to do to get the “haters” on her side. I suggested putting on 15 pounds. I joked that it works for me. She replied I had put on much more than that. Which I thought was fair and funny … “

Let’s stop there because that is so Goop. She is always telling people she considers ‘fat’ how and what and when to eat so maybe Graydon should have suggested rather than opening her mouth to eat more, she shut her mouth and talk less.

That would have made a good story.

There were rumors flying last summer that Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx were doing the nasty in the Hamptons after they dirty danced to Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ at some party, but then it all sort of died down. Until now …

Rumor has it that the pair has been banging every chance they get, everywhere they get, and all of the time, even in NYC where Katie lives and Jamie’s filming a new version of the sure-to-be-a-box-office-bomb Annie.

Some say that Katie has admitted — and this made me vomit in my mouth a little — that Jamie “rocks her world” and has “extraordinary powers of seduction” and a “smooth game” and loves a good anti-Scientology joke. 

That last part makes me believe all of it. 

Now, folks are saying that because Katie and Jamie seem to appear at the same places, in the same cities, at the same time, all the time, that they are totally banging one another. In fact, they recently had a Grammy bang and then a Superbowl bang. ALLEGEDLY.

It seems Katie flew out to Jamie’s California home for some good times in the week before the Grammys and then flew to New York for a Superbowl tryst. A source — and it was probably Lohan scratching at the window of a nightclub — says they are treading carefully because Little Tommy Cruise is a friend of Foxx, and Jamie doesn’t wanna upset the little guy.

A kick to the shins could be painful, no?

Okay, before I talk about Justin Bieber, I’d like to share a comment with y’all that came after last week’s snark on The Biebs:

Bitchy Bartender said...

Hey, long time reader and big fan, but I'm a bit disappointed in your continued misgendering of Justin Bieber. It's misogynistic to use the feminine as an insult, and it's insensitive to trans people to use misgendering as a barb, as it is so often used against them. I would expect you to be someone who was sensitive to things that could offend ALL people under the LGBTQA umbrella.

Bob Slatten said...

Dear Bitchy,

You know, I didn’t think of it that way — shortened version: I didn’t think. 

Even though I am full-on raging gay male, I adore women and respect women, and the transgender community, and never thought of my “jokes” as being an insult.

They stop here.

Thanks for the enlightenment.

So, it seems you can teach an old dog — at least this old dog — new tricks, so there will be no more feminizing of Bieber here, at least not by me, and I’d ask that y’all refrain from it as well, and now ….

Here’s the latest big Bieber controversy.

While travelling on a private jet to the Super Bowl, Justin and his crew — which now features his Daddy — ALLEGEDLY smoked so much pot that the pilots were forced to wear oxygen masks to avoid a contact high.

Why they didn’t just land in one of those square states in the middle and dump Justin off is beyond me, but I digress.

The Biebs and his posse smoked pot and downed the booze in rapid fire succession on the flight, according to NBC News, that the captain had to ask them to stop:

“The captain of the flight stated that he warned the passengers, including Bieber, on several occasions to stop smoking marijuana,” read a police report about the incident, which NBC News says it’s obtained. “The captain also stated he needed to request that the passengers stop their harassing behavior toward the flight attendant and after several warnings asked the flight attendant to stay with him near the cockpit to avoid any further abuse.”

When their plane landed at Teterboro Airport, it was boarded by DEA and Customs and Border Patrol agents who observed lingering pot smoke still inside the jet, the network reported. They took Little Justin aside and questioned him separately, where he admitted he had smoked marijuana and consumed alcohol.

But he wasn’t arrested for breaking the law? What’s gonna get him to stop acting like an entitled little talentless brat? Charges in Miami? Charges in LA? Charges in Canada? And now he’s taking his law-breaking, wannabe thug-itude to the skies.

Next time I hope the crew just opens a door and let’s him outside for a smoke and a drink.

And what about The Biebs on-again-off-again-on-again-who cares girlfriend, Selena Gomez?

She’s checked herself into rehab last month at a place called DAWN for alcohol abuse, pot abuse, and Ambien abuse — AKA The Lohan Cocktail — but quit two weeks later so she could go to Sundance and promote her latest film.

She told her people she would return to the rehab facility after Sundance, but when it was over Selena decided she was cured and there was no reason to return. A two week cure!

Of course, the people who run the facility are pretty concerned, what with Selena telling people that she completed the toughest week and she’s perfectly fine because she went two weeks without a drink or a toke or a pill or a Biebs encounter.

It seems that she’s blaming all her addictions on that little boy, whom she has called “that crazy boy”, but two weeks in rehab won’t be doing her any good.

I suggest she get Lohan to be her sponsor; at least they could get high together.

On to That Woman.

She’s an awful person who uses her children to make porn movies so she can sell them and pay the rent, then whores her family out to TV so she can make more money, and she whores out her ex-husband’s alarming plastic surgeries to make a pretty penny, but she’s not real good with the kids of hers that don’t bring home the bacon.

She cannot stand if the girls gain weight or refuse to get plastic surgery; she cannot stand that one daughter divorced her cheating crackhead husband, thereby losing her reality show and chunk of Mama’s income. But now she’s turned on the one child that doesn’t seem interested in making Mama rich.

That Mother has now turned her fat-hating attentions to her son Rob Kardashian. Apparently she has told him that he is an embarrassment to the family — sidenote: it’s the family that’s an embarrassment — and wants to send him to Fat Camp, or The Biggest loser if they make an enticing offer, so he’ll stop “losing out on business opportunities” like padding Mama’s wallet.

And she’s enlisted the aid of her fame-whoring daughters who are ALLEGEDLY embarrassed to be photographed with him and have begun bullying him for his weight; and then they leave cookies and cupcakes around to tempt him.

It’s a lovely family, y’all, created by That Woman’s desire to be a famous whore-monger.

Since we started with Eva Mendes, let’s end with her.

ALLEGEDLY she and My-Husband-In-My-Head Ryan Gosling are over for good, having split up at Christmas. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that Eva did lie about being pregnant to a TSA official but now it appears, at least according to her representative, that Eva doesn’t like to be scanned, so maybe she said she was pregnant so she could get the Pat Down instead.

Hmm, maybe Ryan dumped her because she likes getting felt up by strangers?