The Funny Papers

Chris Britt, Bill Day, Dennis Goris, Pedro X Molina, Lalo Alcaraz, Gary Huck, Nick Anderson, Christopher Weyant, Michael de Adder, Bill Bramhall, Trevor Irvin, Marc Murphy, Daniel Boris, Mike Luckovich,

Why Is It ...

… that no one gets my tips on how to handle the South Carolina heat: Number 1] Drink lots of water; and B] Watch how the fuck you talk to me.

… that I cannot decide if people are becoming more annoying or if I’m becoming more angry

… that while I don’t consider myself pessimistic I cannot help but feeling that a stupid civilization using AI can only lead to disaster

… that when I cracked a joke to my therapist and saw her instantly start jotting down something in her notebook my first thought was, “Bitch is trying to steal my joke.”

… that everyone is lucky my bestie and I don’t have a podcast

… that I know it’s not my job to police the internet but when I saw that someone had posted a recipe for cauliflower cookies I reported them for harmful content

… that when I saw a teenager crying on a bench I sat down and assured them that it’s gonna get worse; proof that not all heroes wear capes

… I get branded as odd all the time, yet I’ve never once been called unamusing. Keep that noted.

…  that no one remembers that when you invite me to your house and say, ‘Make yourself at home,’ the first thing I do is kick them out because I don’t like visitors.

… that when people tell me to eat better and drink less because my body is a temple, I remind them that it is actually a bouncy house with a slow leak.

I Didn't Say It ...

Kendrick Lamar, rapper, on Cankles and what he’s done to America:

“He’s a fool and we can’t keep pretending everything is fine. We have to remove him from power, because if we don’t, he’ll destroy everything this country has worked so hard to build and stand for. I want my country back. I know there are still more of us who believe in right and wrong—in empathy, kindness, and in bringing this nation together instead of tearing it apart.”

I agree, for the most part. But I think removing him from power could be a dangerous precedent and if the GOP comes back to power they will do the same out of spite.

Rather than remove him from power Vote Blue to have his power removed from him.

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Christina Ricci, actress, on talking to her son about the gang rape at Cornell:

“Had the conversation with my 12-year-old son last night. He knows exactly what to do if he ever gets sent anything [like those texts] on a group chat or anywhere else. He also knows that he’s to use his size, gender, and privilege in this world to protect others. Talk to your boys. Make sure they know exactly what to do. In the time of bloated, orange, rapist villains inspire them to be heroes.”

Can we stop blaming woman for the crimes committed on them by men?

Women don’t get raped; men rape women.

Stop excusing the men with your words. Don’t tell women how not to get raped, tell men to stop raping women and punish the men that do.

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Steve Schmidt, political strategist and co-founder of the Lincoln Project, on the Cankles Regime:

“[He] has been the worst president this country has ever had. And, I don't say that hyperbolically. He is. But he is a consequential president. And, he has brought this country in three short years to a place of weakness that is simply unimaginable if you were pondering where we are today from the day where Barack Obama left office. And there were a lot of us on that day who were deeply skeptical and very worried about what a [Cankles] presidency would be. But this is a moment of unparalleled national humiliation, of weakness. When you listen to the President, these are the musings of an imbecile. An idiot. And I don't use those words to name call. I use them because they are the precise words of the English language to describe his behavior. His comportment. His actions. We've never seen a level of incompetence, a level of ineptitude so staggering on a daily basis by anybody in the history of the country who’s ever been charged with substantial responsibilities. It's just astonishing that this man is president of the United States. The man, the con man, from New York City. Many bankruptcies, failed businesses, a reality show, that branded him as something that he never was: a successful businessman. Well, he's the President of the United States now, and the man who said he would make the country great again. And he's brought death, suffering, and economic collapse on truly an epic scale. And, let's be clear. This isn't happening in every country around the world. This place. Our place. Our home. Our country. The United States. We are the epicenter. We are the place where you're the most likely to die from this disease. We're the ones with the most shattered economy. And we are, because of the fool that sits in the Oval Office behind the Resolute Desk.”

No matter how much gold he gets from Michael’s craft stores, or how many buildings he demolishes, or aches he builds, or buildings he puts his name on or parts of the country he literally destroys—reflecting pools and rose gardens for example—he will never ever be remember fondly or in any good light by any free-thinking person in this country and around the world.

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Ted Lieu, Democrat Congressman from California, on how to stop the Regime from tanking the election:

“Just go fucking vote! The [regime] is going to try and suppress your vote, to put obstacles in front of you. If you don’t get a mail-in ballot, go vote in person. If you discover you’re not registered to vote, go register to vote. You can check right now if you’re registered to vote. That’s the best way to stick it to an administration that’s trying to keep you from voting. Go vote as soon as you can—do not be intimidated.”

CAST A GODDMANED VOTE!!!!

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Jamie Raskin, Democrat Representative from Maryland, on another reason we need Democrats to vote: the Supreme Court:

“There is nothing magical or scared about having nice Supreme Court Justices. Congress has repeatedly expanded—and reduced—the size of the Supreme Court. Now, after abdicating war powers, spending powers, tariff powers and the power to control federal structures and buildings like the White House and the Reflectingh Pool, the MAGA-controlled Congress wants to relinquish yet another essentialconstitutional mpower that goes back to the Founding—the power to fix the size of the Supreme Coutr. I argued and voted ‘No.’”

Give them term limits starting as soon as possible, and then rid us of Uncle Clarence and Samuel Hitler and Lame-ass Roberts.

Impeach Coney Barrett and Kavanuagh for outright lying during their confirmation hearings and build a court that works for We The People and not an adjudicated rapist.

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E. Jean Carroll, victim of rape by the current President of the United States, on her rapist and the award she was given:

“I don’t understand how people can be afraid of a fat, elderly man who wears apricot makeup, his hair done up like Tippi Hedren in The Birds and sits in a courtroom and moans and groans and complains and snorts. When the jury got a load of him, they were mesmerized. You’ve never seen anything like it … He never sat still. And he talked the entire time, within earshot of the judge. He belittled Alina Habba, his own attorney. He would spit as he was talking. He didn’t smell so good. The high point was the moment he stood up, with steam coming off his back and hot air blowing out his ears because Robbie Kaplan [Carroll’s lawyer] was giving the final argument and she was asking the jury how much it would take to make him stop. And she drove him so crazy, he stood up in the courtroom and left. When a man is innocent … he stays and fights. He lost right at that second. He couldn’t have looked more guilty.”

And snap!!!

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Bobservations

This is a quickie …

Carlos was telling me about one of his dreams of being in his grandmother’s house and looking for her but she wasn’t there. He said he finally found her and then told me:

“She looked so awful. Of course, she has been dead for years.”

The two of us burst out laughing and that will be my catch-phrase for the week.

This Tale of Tuxedo is from May 2011 when I caught him sunbathing on a bathroom windowsill and he said, 

"Oh, I give up!"

Just a thought … Cornell refusing to give the victim of gang rape her tuition back so she could change schools and not be faced with her abusers they refuse to prosecute is another form of assault.

I don’t think I will ever grow tired of seeing these memes floating around the interwebz.

Brock Allen Turner was a Stanford University swimmer who was convicted in 2016 of three felony counts of raping an unconscious woman he found lying next to a dumpster and into whose mouth he shoved dried leaves so she couldn’t scream.

He is the rapist that Judge Aaron Persky sentenced to just six months in county jail and three years’ probation, citing potential severe impact on the life of a rapist who was then released from jail after serving just three months.

Brock Turner  now lives in Ohio and goes by the name Allen Turner.

Never forget.

Remember when billionaire Robert Kraft banned Macklemore for saying “Free Palestine”?

Well this week, Zach Bryan, the biggest country artist in the world wore a “Free Palestine” shirt right in Robert Kraft’s face at the same stadium.

That’s resistance.

Read this and pay attention …

Nolan Wells did not drown.

Stephon Clark only had a cell phone.

Emmett Till didn’t whistle at a white woman.

Philando Castile didn’t reach for a gun.

Trayvon Martin didn’t harass anyone.

Sonya Massey didn’t call the police to die.

Ahmaud Arbery did not trespass.

Sean Bell didn’t make it to the altar.

George Floyd and eric Garner couldn’t breathe.

Rekia Boyd didn’t pose a threat.

Laquan McDonald was walking away.

Kendrick Johnson did not roll himself up in a rug.

Mike Brown was only jaywalking.

Sandra Bland did not commit suicide.

Botham Jean couldn’t enjoy his ice cream.

Tamir Rice didn’t have a gun.

Say their names and stand up for them. Each one senselessly murdered in America.

Oliver Luke Cheshire is a 38-year-old English fashion designer, model and entrepreneur and so one wonders, Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: The Celanese House

The Celanese House was designed by famed architect Edward Durell Stone as a stunning example of mid-century modern architecture that seamlessly blends form and function. The house features a lattice screen on the façade and glass pyramids on the roof which are prime examples of Stone's design. And, true to Stone's principles, the house is substantial, private and comfortable.

Built in 1959, the house has been fully renovated to its original vision with Stone's signature elements remaining intact: floating sheet rock walls, satin bleached oak floors and walls of glass; an underlit glass floor at the entryway and a kitchen retaining its original style but with updated appliance and a new flat skylight. The primary suite is complete with spa bathroom in marble with double sinks and separate tub and shower. In addition there are three other en suite bathrooms.

The home sits on two-plus park-like acres, on prestigious Oenoke Ridge, with integrated landscape design to complement the structure. A unique opportunity to own a true masterpiece.

There are four bedrooms and four-and-a-half baths in 4427 square foot home for just $4.4M.

As always. Click to emBIGGERate …

Dwell