Saturday, December 13, 2014

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

For this year, the 20th anniversary of her Christmas anthem, All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey was set to perform the tune on NBC’s Christmas show where they light up that big ass dead tree at Rockefeller Center. But Mimi was so over-stuffed with drama — and overstuffed in that red sequined gown — that the folks at NBC were not having it.

On the night of the taping, Mariah, the Mutha of All Divas — take note Ariana — kept her fans waiting in the freezing rain at Rockefeller Center for over three hours because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement. Uh huh. I think a huge sammich is what kept her home, but, again, that’s just me.

Carey had a 7PM call time to pre-tape the song and was also scheduled to tape a promo at 9PM that would have featured her riding in a horse and carriage on Fifth Avenue, for which NBC had a permit to close traffic lanes. By the time she showed up at 10:30PM, NBC was so incensed that they told her to go home, mainly because what’s left of her fans, who’d been given free tickets to support the 20th anniversary of AIWFCIY, had already left and the crew had packed up all their equipment.

Carey tweeted on Wednesday, “Last night’s situation was beyond my control. I apologize to all that showed up, you know that I would never want to disappoint you.”

Uh huh. So Carey was forced to perform live on Wednesday and if you’d seen the video, well, you’d know she was awful; she was Whitney Houston On Her Last Tour awful; sour notes, flat notes, and no notes at all.

Do I think Mariah Carey had a scheduled phone meeting with Nick and his lawyers at the very moment she was supposed to be pre-recording a performance for TV? No, I do not. Mimi is coming apart at the seams faster than Mimi in a too-tight evening gown.

Girl needs to settle.
I really can’t with Tori Spelling. I mean, she was married, went away to film some piece of Lifetime crap with the also married Dean McDermott, and then banged him. He left his wife, she left her husband, they began spitting out babies and allowing all of it to be filmed for “reality” TV.

Then, big surprise, Dean cheated on Tori. Huh? A cheater cheated? Show of hands, or hand, of the one person besides Tori who didn’t see that coming. Right.

Now, the media whore that is Whori Tori has released her family’s 2014 holiday card — possibly because a paycheck was involved — and has been trying to sell it everywhere, saying:

We’re back together as a family and we’re working on building that family dynamic back and making it stronger than it was before, so it was important to me that we mark this because it’s a milestone year for us.

Then she appears on her “reality” show and trashes her husband, but that’s another paycheck.

Now, in order to create a new storyline, Tori is thinking of having her breasts augmented, again, and mulling over a facelift and fillers. Why? Because she feels bad about Dean cheating on her and nothing says I feel better like new titties and a high, tight face filled with plastic and injectibles.

And, I imagine, it will all be done for free, because of the publicity she’ll give the doctor on her TV show, and then she’ll get a paycheck for showing the procedure on television.

Once a whore …
Quick Bite: Rumor has it that Ariana Grande Latte’s newest diva demand is that, when she’s too tired to walk all by her wee self, she must be carried like a toddler.

 “Her new rule is that she has to be carried — literally carried like a baby — when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source—possibly Mimi, eating a sammich on the set—who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Maybe someone should just put Ariana in a handbag and carry her around like a Pocket Dog.
When Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa and Joe Giudice were sentenced to prison after pleading guilty to numerous counts of federal fraud, the judge cited multiple inconsistencies between their 2009 bankruptcy filing and the assets they listed in court documents ... like not declaring cars, ATVs, jewelry, purses and designer goods.

Teresa, who was always on TV pulling a wad of bills out of her purse to pay thousands of dollars for the stuff, claimed, in court, that her jewelry was all costume and worthless, while Joe claimed that he was listing the current resale value of purchased goods and that their value had decreased since the 2009 fraudulent bankruptcy. Scam artists will do that, you know.

Teresa's excuse, though, is that she never read anything Joe gave her to sign — possibly because she doesn’t know how to read, and just signed the papers with a paw print — and that she never understood that her plea deal could involve jail time.

She.Didn’t.Know.A.Plea.Deal.Meant.Jail.Time? Of course not, because she’s as dumb as a box of rocks, except now she's suing her bankruptcy attorney for $5 million saying he botched the filing which resulted in her having to go to prison. You know, not because she’s a criminal or anything. And she’s still claiming that age-old, I didn’t know what I was signing argument, which, as we saw, didn’t work with the judge in her first case and hopefully won’t work with the judge in this lawsuit.

She’s a criminal, her husband’s a criminal and they got caught and she wants to play the Stupid Card? Well, we know she’s stupid, but she was just stupid enough to commit all sorts of fraud because it made her life look good for TV.

Teresa has to blame someone and she can’t hook this on Caroline or Jacqueline so …
Quick Bite: Lindsay Lohan has launched a unisex clothing line called My Addiction. Are the clothes made entirely of booze and pills and tween boys? 

Just sayin’.
Now, let’s check in again with those Fighting Exes Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry.

Last month, Halle lab tested some hair she yanked out of her daughter, Nahla’s, hairbrush and dragged Gabriel into court to accuse him of dying and chemically straightening the girl's hair. Gabriel denied it, as well as denying allegations that he was trying to make Nahla “more white” — another one of Halle’s accusations; he says Nahla's straightened hair is the result of her asking him to blow dry it for her, and not because he wants to change her appearance because he worries she’ll start looking as crazy as Halle.

Of course, you just know that Halle will once again drag Gabriel to court and charge him with Dryer Damaging Nahla’s Hair and seek to reduce his child support because of it.

Meanwhile, Nahla has a calendar on the all, counting down the days until she’s eighteen and finally be rid of these tow morons.
Drake isn’t having the best week. First, his frenemy Chris Brown claims Drake hooked up with Brown’s on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-whatever girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, which is the reason Brown dumped her, though he has since re-hooked up with Tran so … whatever. But now Drake and P. Diddy, er Puff Daddy, er, Puffy, er, Sean John, er, Sean Combs, er, whoever he is today, got into a fistfight in Miami over the weekend.

They were celebrating DJ Khaled’s birthday and got into it after Drake ALLEGEDLY said something “nasty” to Diddy’s girlfriend, Diddy attacked Drake, sending him to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder.

Now, DJ Sam Sneak tweeted that Diddy and Drake were not fighting over a girl, but were arguing over the rights to a song, with Diddy claiming claimed that Drake was using music without the proper rights.

A girl or a song, these are two grown assed men acting like some Real Housewives wannabes, snatching at each other’s hair in a nightclub. Drake should stick to banging Brown’s girls because I think he could take Brown in a fight, and 45-year-old … forty-five-year-old … Diddy should just go home; his fifteen minutes were up when JLo dumped him.
Okay, someone will pay for this, and that someone is Scott Rudin.

Now pay attention, because it gets complicated: they’re making another Steve Jobs bio-pic because that Ashton Kutcher one was so successful. The script was written by A-list Aaron Sorkin and to be directed by A-list David Fincher, though now Danny Boyle is attached as director. Sony had the property for a while, but it ended up going over to Universal a few months ago. It was supposed to be a big, prestigious award-bait film for Sony, with mega-producer Scott Rudin attached to produce and now he's pissed he didn't get it.

Okay, up to speed? Well, while the film was at Sony, the studio's online database was hacked and emails between Rudin and Sony co-chairperson Amy Pascal were released and most of it is Rudin bitching out Pascal because she won’t free up director David Fincher for the Jobs film.

Fincher was thinking of directing Angelina Jolie in Cleopatra, and Angie hoped the Cleo script would be ready soon because she wanted Fincher to direct. Well, Pascal was using that as an excuse to NOT hire Fincher for the Jobs film. And so that got Rudin's knickers twisted and so he shot off an email — note the all-caps shouting: 

“YOU BETTER SHUT ANGIE DOWN BEFORE SHE MAKES IT VERY HARD FOR DAVID TO DO JOBS. There is no movie to be made (and how that is a bad thing given the insanity and rampaging spoiled ego of this woman and the cost of the movie is beyond me) and if you won’t tell her that you do not like the script…

I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who thought nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anybody, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. 

I’m also happy to say all of this to Angie directly as I have no need to keep her happy."

Yeah, I bet he’d say that to Angie’s face and I bet she’d take him down like a large clumsy cow.

Rule #! In Hollywood: don’t besmirch Angie.

Last I heard Scot Rudin was attached to a barista job at Starbucks in the Sherman Oaks Galleria.
Okay we started with Mariah Carey Diva, and so we’ll end with someone who makes Mimi look like a nun, and that someone is Korean Air executive Heather Cho. Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either, but that didn’t stop her from going all Joan-Crawford-Mariah-Carey recently, and it goes like this …

Heather Cho, VP of Korean Air and daughter of the airline’s chairman, was forced to resign as head of in-flight service when a flight was held up because of her arrogant antics.
Before that Korean Air flight from JFK to Incheon, Korea took off last week, Heather Cho was sitting in the first class section when a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts … in a bag … and Cho went apeshit, acting like she’d been asked to take a seat in the cargo hold.

Heather Cho instantly fired that flight attendant and demanded that the cabin crew chief be brought to her, possibly in chains, I don’t know. But Cho asked the cabin crew chief if the flight attendant had ever read the in-flight service manual, because if they did they would know that macadamia nuts should be served, not in.a.bag. Cho then instructed the cabin crew chief to grab the manual and read the nut-handling guidelines to her.

Now, to be fair, I do have my own nut-handling guide, but I think it’s a different kind of nut … just saying.

But the cabin crew chief couldn’t find the in-flight service manual, and Cho then kicked him off the plane, after forcing the captain to take the plane back to the gate.

After Cho went nuts over nuts, she resigned from her position as executive of in-flight service, though she’s still VP of the company because Daddy is the boss. Cho also released her own stamen, saying she was just hurt because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement … oh wait that was that other diva; Cho said:

“I am sorry to our customers and the Korean people that I unintentionally caused social uproar and I ask forgiveness from anyone who has been hurt by me. I take responsibility for the incident.”

Social uproar because the nuts were in a bag? Bitch please. And now South Korea’s Transport Ministry has launched an investigation into whether or not Heather Cho violated the Aviation Safety Law which states that passengers should not cause disturbances of any kind. If they discover that she did violate the Aviation Safety Law, she could face up to 10 years in prison … where she will no doubt find her nuts in a bag.


Helen Lashbrook said...

How about singing "All I want for Christmas is 100 billion dollars"?

mistress maddie said...

You know, Theresa Guidice cracks me up. With all that money she had, you'd think she'd had the damn uni-brow waxed and had better make up skills. Her parents must be proud she the first to graduate from clown college. And let us not bring up all the unpaid bills at our store, where she shopped. And that airlines lady? What a classy broad. I thought I was the only one who kept a manual on how to handle nuts properly.

Bob Slatten said...

@MM I wanna see Teresa rock the orange jumpsuit. At least, for a while, it'll be the same color as her spray tan.

Susan said...

@Bob You are a riot!

BloggerJoe said...

Actually, update to the Korean Air fun stuff, the woman was removed from all her Korean Air jobs and titles by her father, the owner, who apologized for raising her so badly. I'd love to know if she does spend time in the slammer.

the dogs' mother said...

While I feel bad for the regular folks at Sony - that hack is just the gift that keeps on giving.

anne marie in philly said...

man, what a buncha trashy broads this week! need a huge dumpster to haul all this away, cause mimi's body takes up half the space!

Robb Delman said...

Hun - you take me back (and many times aback) ! You are the kind of guurrl I used to lean against the bar with and just e-viscerate those who came too close.
Let me put it this order to read more of you, I'm even considering watching that Runway thing.

Ron said...

You are a treasure Bob. So much to go through on this post but I'll just respond to the Mariah one now. I checked out her Rockefeller Center live performance and it was pretty ragged but I have to give her profs for at least doing it live and not lip-synching like that Other Woman (J.C.'s wife). In fact I rather enjoyed her "performance." Made me smile.

Helen Lashbrook said...

Lord love us and save us; she's coming to live with us!

Blobby said...

On Pariah: no one ever mentions that they compared this year's performance to last. Yes. They have the cow come out and sing the same fucking song at least two years in a row.

Mitchell is Moving said...

I'm always so impressed with your ability to tell stories about these idiots without resorting to an X-rated tirade. Those seem to be the only words that pop into MY head.