It's party week at Design Star™, in celebration of Hollywood’s
125th Birthday--and damn she still looks good! The Hollywood Chamber of
Commerce is throwing a party at The Mark For Events™. You know it's a big deal
because the party will be full of Hollywood A-listers like Marg Helgenberger
and.......
Oh, it's just gonna be Marg? Well, it might still be fun.
Each designers is given a particular era from Hollywood films and will
design a party lounge in that style. For their Camera Challenge this week,
there will be no tips given, but, instead, they will describe their spaces and
how it fits into Hollywood legend.
M'kay........
DANIELLE--Art Deco
Her room will be dark colors with lots of metallic accents. It'll be black
and gold--much like the White Room Challenge™--which is kinda what this
challenge is, except with the whole Not-A-list Hollywood party theme happening.
At the first of several strategically-placed
product placements, Modern Props™ Danielle finds a pair of Art Deco
lamps and a black lacquer panther. Good shopping, I say, but this is a design
show. Can we please leave the store and focus on design? Hello?
HGTV™? Anyone?
No answer, probably because Danielle was busy shopping at Metropolis™
where she discovered an Art Deco mirror for her space. She also drove past
Bedfellows™ but I don’t think she went in.
When David Bromstad™--just kidding!--comes by to mentor her, he reminds
Danielle that she's done the whole black-and-gold thing before and, well, maybe
she needs a rethink. Which she does, and adds some peach colors and some
flowers, and even a peach wash pattern onto the floor
That worries me because Danielle has a habit of running through her spaces
at the last minute and doing some dreadful accessorizing. I’m hoping this isn't
a Three-peat of past weeks.
But she does finish, and her room looks very chic and elegant and very Art
Deco. I like the space. I like the dark elegance and the fanned wooden piece at
the back and the cool mirror. The jaguar seems like a not-so-good idea only
because it's just sitting there like an afterthought.
Then the judges come in: Vern in a Garanimals™ Suit and Genevieve Gorder
saluting the movies by dressing like a cross between Valley of the Dolls and The
Island of Misfit Toys, and Marg Helgenberger looking all Get my agent on the phone! WTF am I doing
here?
Marg likes the jaguar and calls the room an Art Deco Parisian hotel room.
The Goiter loves the addition of the peach colors and the flowers, while Vern
hopped on the jaguar and tried to ride it like it was a mechanical horse out in
front of the Piggly Wiggly™.
Okay, he loves the lamps and called the room very professional.
MIKEL--The 70s
While wandering through the giant warehouse known as Modern Props™ Mikel
tells us that he will win this because he's a set designer and he knows this
whole style and store and, well, there was a lot of yammering and stuff and I
drifted off.
But Mikel does pop in at Encino Fireplace Shop™ because he's decided that
a 60s style room needs a fireplace as a focal point. He finally settles on a
sleek electric unit and he and Kris drag it out to the van When Mikel gets the fireplace
working in the car, Kris channels his inner Paris Hilton and says, That's hot.
He has a way with words.
Mikel has his own word issues, though, when David comes for a visit. Mikel
says his room will have white walls anchored by white furniture. Um, that's a
toilet bowl, I think. When David asks about his WOW! moment, Mikel mentions the
fireplace and David seems to think this will be good. Me? I sense a robot coming from Stanley’s lounge shrieking Danger! Mikel Robinson!! Danger!
And Mikel sees it, too, because suddenly
all that white has him a'scurred. He decides to take this large orange painting
he's hung to one side, horizontally, and hang it vertically above the fireplace
to create a focal point. Trouble is, vertically, the painting covers up the fireplace.
Wow moment gone! I don’t know why he didn’t hang it horizontally; it looked
like it would work.....so, since we're in Hollywood, and we're saluting movies,
I’ll quote Julia Roberts, hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold, in Pretty Woman™: "Big mistake! Huge!"
Still, I liked the room, but it needed more. I
thought maybe some colors other than all that white and the occasional orange
might have been nice. A fern maybe, Ferns say 1960s. Or maybe that's just my
friend Fern who was born in 1960.
At any rate, The Goiter™ felt the room
looked flat though she loved the painting--again, it's not Shopping Star--and
Vern thought the color palette was incomplete.
Hold up! Did Vern just agree with me?
Is this what validation feels like?
Or, maybe it's just last night's Thai food.
KRIS--The 60s
He says his era is a combination of Pure Tragedy and Pure Brilliance and I’m
already fearing he's gonna bring the tragedy and leave the brilliance somewhere
else.
His first find at Modern Props™ is a
hanging bubble chair and he is sure his design will just jump off from there
because, as he says, I have struck gold!
And then he finds orange when he stops in
at Buttercup™. Orange throw-pillows, orange lamps and, yes, an orange
typewriter. See, maybe it's just Kris, but nothing screams Hollywood party
designer lounge like a typewriter. Excuse me, waiter, I'd like a Ketel One™ martini,
straight up, with a twist and I'd also like you to take some dictation.
Oh, maybe it does work after all.
When David drops by for the mentoring
minute, he once again tells Kris that he sounds a little fake, a little used
car salesman, in his Camera Challenges. He urges Kris to be human, to which
Kris replies, Thank you David! Have a great day! And thanks for
stopping in at La Brea Honda™!
Kris brings some more of the Pure Tragedy to his space by creating a
closed-in three-walled area that he covers with 1970s fake wood-paneling; and
then he has the bad taste and the bad sense to step back and marvel at it. Of
course, that was before he brought a couch in and shoved it into a corner. That
was No Taste and No Sense.
His room is off. Off color. Off center. Off-putting. The paneling is bad;
the couch in the corner is bad. The desk? Seriously? At a party? Marg thought
there were amusing touches--like the typewriter--but I think what she meant was
that the room made her laugh. She also felt the bubble chair was hung too high,
as evidenced by the fact that Vern tried to climb her back to get into it. He also thought the space plan was horrid, while Genevieve thought it
looked like a basement, before
HGTV™ came to the rescue.
Ouch.
HILARI--The 80s
Since Hilari was born in 1980 she is all over this. She knows the 80s
because she came of age in the....wait, if she was born in 1980, she came of age in the 90s actually.
But, hey, she remembers the 80s as being big and bright and with PVC walls.
Which makes me think Hilari grew up in a prison in a Wham!™ video.
Still, at Modern Props™ she finds a
pair of white leather couches and some acrylic chairs, and, I believe what is
left of George Michael's career, so she is on a roll for the 80s. Then she
travels over to Michael Levine™ and finds some spandex fabrics--which are sooo
80s and sooo George Michael--and decides to make a spandex rug. Now, I'm sure
all of you, like me, gasped at the idea, as in, WTF you talkin' 'bout Hillis? She,
however, hoped the judges would gasp in a more positive way.
They won't, because even she won't. The
knotting of the spandex is the biggest disaster since the Hindenburg--which I
think, if my history is correct, occurred in the 1980s--so she tosses the
fabric aside and decides to paint a Mondrian™-esque pattern on the floor
instead. I think that’s a good choice--and a good design--
because how are people supposed to walk and talk and mingle and cocktail while
traipsing across a knotted spandex carpet?
David comes by and the first thing Hilari
asks is Don't you love it! To which David responds I haven't seen anything. Someone thinks she has a winner, eh? She tells David
that she's ready for the Camera Challenge because she's written her jokes--um,
is this America's Next Top Comedian™ and no one told me? Jokes? Oh, Hilari, I scarcely
know you but I do know one thing: You.Aren't.Funny.
But she does get cool with some studded
leather cuffs she puts on the ends of her PVC wall; trouble is, there are only
three pieces of PVC on each wall and they look a little lonely; like George
Michael at a bathhouse in London.
I loved her floor, though, especially the splattered
edges because that just read all kinds of 80s. Marg loved the Mondrian™ part of
the floor while The Goiter™ loved the rocker cuffed PVC pipes. Vern, again, like
me, what the hell is happening here, thought there should have been more PVC
piping to kind of contain the space.
STANLEY--Futuristic
He likes his era, but he's happier that he has a carpenter so he can be
more than Stanley The Builder this week; now he is Stanley The Designer, AKA
Stanley Crash and Burn?
Or, maybe SciFi Stanley because he is a science fiction movie freak in a
nice pair of worn-in-the-right-places Levis. Luckily for me, I have a DVR for when I
get distracted looking at Stanley stroll through Modern Props™ in his Levis™ because that happened a lot. The man
obviously does not own a pair of tighty whities because the junk is a
'jiggling.
At Modern Props™ he finds a couple of meteorite
chairs and bright shiny, very tall red vase that he doesn't know how to use,
but he'll think of something special. He also shops at Rapport International
Furniture™ though he doesn't buy anything, but they had asked for free advertising
and HGTV™ kindly obliged. Then there was Design Within Reach™ which, again, was
just a sign seen during the show because, well, it's all about the ads on
AdStar....oops, I mean AdStar™.
M'kay?
But, since he will be Designing Stanley this week,
he'll make a coffee table and incorporate that tall red vase. He takes plywood
and cuts in into shapes and stacks the shapes and places the base of the vase
into it and, well, it's a vagina with a bright red dildo sticking out of it. Seriously. Even though I am not personally
familiar with the vagina I know one when I see one--even with a giant red vase sticking
out of it.
Marg liked the chairs that Stanley bought while The Goiter was terrified of the vagina table
with the giant red dildo in it. Vern, go figure, was also freaked out by the
table though once the cameras stopped rolling he did crawl through it in an
effort to re-experience live birth.
Just saying.
BRITANY--Hollywood Regency
She has this in the bag. This is her style. It’s in her wheelhouse. You know there's gonna be drama.
Britany starts off by telling us that Hollywood
Regency style is full of luxe items and glamour and big bold patterns and that
this is her moment to shine because she has this in the bag, this is her
style, and it’s in her wheelhouse. Then she tells us that it's gonna be so hard
because she has this in the bag, this is her style, it's in her
wheelhouse. .
Huh? What? Huh?
The first day she goes to Modern Props™ and
Bedfellows™ and Metropolis™ and Design Within Reach™ and Rapport International
Furniture™ but she cannot find a single piece of furniture for her Hollywood Regency
style. This is so hard, you know, designing a space that she has in
the bag, that is her style, that's in her wheelhouse.
It's hard.
Finally, at some store that wasn't given a
long, lingering, love shot of their signage--possibly because they don’t want
to be affiliated with Design Star™--Britany finds a tufted black leather couch
and chair that, to her, sing Hollywood Regency. I thought it screamed more
Akron Ohio Lawyers Office, but, hey, that's just me. But, as she spies a coffee
table, I notice a beautiful gray velvet couch, all tufted, with swooping arms
that really said Hollywood Regency. How did she miss them? Were they out of her
budget? Or, is she just simple?
I'll take Simple for $100 please, Alex.
Her room really came together, however, especially given all the editing that was
used to make it seem like she was going to fail badly. I loved the fabric
hanging from the ceiling and the paneled 'doors' she used. The Goiter thought
she was the best accessorizer ever--again, it’s now Accessory Star™--while Vern
also liked the panels.
Me and Vern. Together at last!
RACHEL--Victorian
Let the whining begin. Victorian? Vic-effing-torian? Really? It's stuffy
and traditional and she is just not gonna enjoy this mess. Though she will
create kind of a Victorian-themed window through which people can see her
stuffy room.
At Modern Props™ Rachel complains again that Victorian style is dusty and
smelly and this isn't fair and she can't do this...until she finds a pair of Victorian
chairs that are upholstered in white leather and painted a glossy white.
Dusty? Smelly? Stuffy? Not.
At International Silks & Woolens™ Rachel searches
for the fabrics that scream Victorian era, like velvets in rich colors like
burgundies. And she finds a black and white floral fabric instead and buys that
because, well, this is hard. But she does happen upon a couple of stuffed crows
at House Of Props™ that are traditional and stuffy and dusty and, yes, smelly.
She also finds a couple of sconces that says Victorian--though not Victorian
like a shiny white leather chair.
She heads back to The Mark For Events™ and
begins to paint the sconces a dirty dusty neon blue--because that color was all
the rage in the Victorian Era. Then she paints a table the same color; and then,
because one can never have too much ugly, she paints a tufted pattern on the floor
because, as Rachel tells us, tufting was big back then.
Just not on the floor.
Her room seemed like it was half-done.
Badly. Not badly half-done, mind you, because it was fully, badly done, but
looked half-finished. Vern liked the Victorian styled enclosure idea, but
called the blues a Victorian Papa Smurf™. Marg liked the bird; I thought
of giving the room the bird. The Goiter said the tufting painting on the floor
looked cheap, and this woman knows from cheap; I mean, have you seen her show
on HGTV? Oh, wait, she doesn't have a show on HGTV except for this one because
she schtupped someone to get it.
EVALUATION
Britany was called very successful in her design, but was called out for
her rambling, at times incoherent, Camera Challenge. Mikel got dinged for covering
the fireplace, though he got ponged by The Goiter for the painting.
Stanley was basically called out for the Vagina Table, which left the
judges and the designtestants giggling and disgusted like a roomful of Michigan
legislators. Rachel got knocked down for her Camera Challenge which was
basically her saying how tired she was because she worked so hard. Then she got
smacked for not working hard enough and for those awful color choices that were
not Victorian at all.
Danielle was all love. The color! The lamps! The floor! Her only sour
points were for her constant shrugging in the Camera Challenge. Hilari got
praise--praise?--for bringing the 80s back but not for her joke; to refresh,
she started off her Camera bit by saying, Um,
I was informed that someone left their DeLorean™ double-parked. We need you to
move it.
Lucky for here this isn't supposed to be a funny show because she would
have had to pack her Whoopee Cushion™ and go.
Kris was all sorts of trouble. From the paneling to the bad couch placement
to the too-high bubble chair to his Camera Charlene which was smarmy and
insincere from start to finish.
So, Danielle wins, and Kris gets the boot.
MY TAKE
I don't like Kris, but Rachel should have gone home. And not just for this
week's complete and utter misfire from design to conception to execution to
camera challenge, but also as payment for last week's trash can play area.
Also, Britany cried because, as she tells everyone else, her room was the most
beautiful thing she's every done. I didn’t realize sour grapes were of the Hollywood
Regency style.
Mikel? I need some fabulous gay, still.
Stanley. Honey, you won't win because
HGTV™ already has Antonio, but take
the next few weeks to just wander around in your HGTV™ for me and show off your
junk.
One high point: perhaps Volvo™ paid nothing this week because I didn't see a single ad.
So, that's that. The right one won, actually, for a change, and the wrong
one got sent home; as usual.
What did YOU think?
Basil Maglaris, Kraft's director of corporate affairs, on Pride Oreo:
