It's Snarkurday!

SNL premiered last weekend. Ariana Grande was supposed to be the musical guest, but she backed out; I was glad until I learned that Kanye would be the replacement … luckily, we DVR the show and I Fast forward through musical bull shit …especially when, during the first number, he wore what looked like a bottle of Clorox.

At the end of the show, after Adam Driver signed off, Kanye was scheduled to do one more song, but decided to air a commercial rap about _____ whilst wearing his MAGA hat. It did not go well … in fact it did not make it on TV though the audience got the brunt of it.

He talked about the Democrats are hatching a plan to keep black people on welfare and how ____ is love but then Kanye, oh, I mean, Ye, was furious about the snub and demanded that the cast and Adam Driver come back onstage and not saying why and then he went off on them.

Even though the show had given him everything he asked for, including a third performance at the close, Kanye complained that he had been “bullied backstage” about wearing the MAGA hat. Except that was a lie; an insider, and you know it’s Keenan, said:

“No one bullied him about wearing the MAGA hat. He wore it in promos and all week before the show even aired and was asking everyone if they thought he should wear the hat, interns, anyone walking by who would listen.”

But, you know, Kanye, poor mistreated, misunderstood Kanye, who thinks _____ is the savior didn’t get his way and pitched a hissy.

He should have tea with Miss Lindsey.

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Speaking of hot messes …and Lindsey’s, er, Lindsay’s … Lohan is back!

It seems Lindsay was in Moscow—where high-class call girls go—and spotted a family of four that appeared to be living on the street. The family might have been Syrian, though that’s unclear, but they spoke no English.

So, Lindsay offered them money to stay in a hotel for a night, but they appeared not to understand what she was saying … or they didn’t want a room at the Hooker Suites Red Square. So, she then began live-streaming the interaction of her trying to talk to a homeless family until it got weird.

Lohan tried to take one of the children away, saying that she just wanted the kid to stay in a hotel for “one night, one night, one night.” The family grabs their kids and tries to move, but Lindsay keeps telling them she’ll take the one kid just for “one night.”

And she follows them and accuses them of “trafficking children” and accuses them of "ruining Arabic culture by doing this.” At various points during the live-stream, Lohan adopts several poorly done fake accents, including one accent that sounds Indian, which she used to shriek:

“Is he your son? From Pakistan? Don’t **k with Pakistan.” 

It did not end until the mother turned and stopped the rampaging Lohan with a punch in the face.

Seriously. Did she think she was making a low-budget version of Taken? Or Not Without My Daughter [Son]? Or was it Lohan’s reboot of The Parent Trap?

At any rate, we know that she’s still a wackjob. I mean, if you ever stopped thinking she was a wackjob.

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There are always stories about who’s gonna be the new James Bond. I mean we’ve heard Clooney, Idris Elba, Emily Blunt and even Harry Styles, but here’s one you probably never thought about …

Michael Jackson.

Tis true; apparently uber agent Mike Ovitz claims that back in the 80s, the King of Pop wanted to be Bond. Jackson begged Ovitz, and his business partner Ron Meyer, about taking on the role of Bond, though Ovitz clearly thought it was crazy and says he listened just to be nice… Jackson’s hat fell into the guacamole:

“Then the blob fell off, and Ron totally lost it. I cracked up, too, and Michael stalked out. I found him and explained for 15 minutes that we hadn’t been laughing at him … Finally, Michael’s face cleared. ‘OK, Ovitz. OK,’ he said. ‘But I want to play James Bond.’ I am proud to report I didn’t laugh, this time.”

And, to be fair, Ovitz did explain to Jackson that he was too thin and too, um, sensitive to be taken seriously as Bond. Jackson seemed to understand, but then opted to portray himself as someone who would take down Bond and he wrote “Smooth Criminal” as his response.

And if you’ve seen the video, you know he’d be better suited playing Jane Bond.

Just sayin’.

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Bradley Cooper is out promoting the fourth reboot of A Star is Born and has some interesting tales to tell. He claims he once lost a role because he was deemed not “f**kable” enough?

Seriously?

“I’ve always been an underdog. I was always operating under the lens of not really being seen as the ‘main guy.' Early on, I didn’t get a role because they said I wasn’t ‘fuckable.'”

I’m’a just say this …I saw Cooper paly an unethical lawyer on an early episode of Law & Order: SVU and if he was f**kable then, he’d have been f**kable any day.

I mean he was a lawyer with bad hair and I’d have done him.

Oh, maybe that says more about me? 

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It’s been a year since Jane Fonda served shade to Megyn Kelly for asking about plastic surgery, and clearly Megyn’s show must be sinking because she’s just thirsty enough to start talking about it …again!

Megyn is now saying she regrets the moment, though not because she should have asked the question, but because she never should have had an Oscar winning legend on her show in the first place when there are kids with cats to interview.

But Megyn now claims, a year later, that Fonda had answered that question many times before—which may explain why she was annoyed, hoping that this seasoned “journalist” could find a better question—and says she think Fonda grew annoyed because, well, let her say it:

“She answered that question in about 40 different forums. It was nothing wrong with me … I think the issue was somebody who used to work at Fox News was asking it of her that particular day. There’s nothing I can do about that. I know some people don’t like Fox News, and some people don’t like me and that’s OK.”

Poor Megyn thinks it’s because she was a Fox News hack? Um, Megyn, Fonda knew you had come from Fox before she agreed to the interview, so if she had an issue with being questioned by you she would have declined.

You’re looking desperate and thirsty for attention … again.

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Sex and the City was a cute show. The first movie was a cute-ish show. The second film was a sh*t show.

So, like most people save some in the cast, I was glad Kim Cattrall pulled the plug on the idea of a third movie. But then SJP lost her shiz because Cattrall called her out on her BS, and then Kristin Davis chimed in because she needs the coins, and then some of the supporting actors went after Kim because they had time between shifts at Starbucks.

But some fans want a third film because they need to see something while Long Island Medium is on hiatus, so they asked SJP to have Samantha written off or even killed in a third reboot:

“You are still my hero. Please replace or write her out Kim/Samantha if she is not interested and bring back sex and the city movie #3. The fans need this.”

SJP, though, knows how her bread is buttered and that no one wants to see a Samantha-less SATC, or any SATC for that matter and she responded to the idea:

“Not sure if I can imagine doing another movie without her.”

That sounds nice, but it once again portrays Kim as the bully and not an actor who realizes the show is over.

Now, kill off Charlotte and we may have something.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Hillary Clinton, on whether or not _____ is a racist:

“I think he has thrown his lot in with many people and groups whose stated objection is white nationalism, white supremacy, how could you explain what he did and why after Charlottesville? … He has been racist, he’s been sexist, he’s been Islamophobic, he has been anti-LGBTQ, I mean, there’s a long list. He has a view of America that is incredibly constricted. And he talks to that America. He talks to them all the time.”

Which is why the rest of America needs to stand up and vote, and vote Blue and votewoemn and people of color and LGBTQ Americans.

Send.That.Message.

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Kellyanne Conway, _____’s Minister of Propaganda, has said she, too, is a victim of sexual assault:

"I feel very empathetic, frankly, for victims of sexual assault and sexual harassment and rape. I'm a victim of sexual assault. I don't expect Judge Kavanaugh or Jake Tapper or Jeff Flake or anybody to be held responsible for that. You have to be responsible for your own conduct.”

A victim of sexual assault is saying that Dr. Christine Blasey Ford is responsible for her own conduct of being taken into a room and held down against her will while a drunken frat boy tried to rape her.

Take a seat Kelly, you’re an embarrassment to women.

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Jake Tapper, on _____ mocking Dr. Christine Blasey Ford for reporting a sexual assault and taking on Senator John Cornyn who said such comments are not “useful”:

“We don’t know if President _____ thinks it’s useful to ridicule a woman claiming she was sexually assaulted or if he just did it ’cause he thought it was fun. But let’s take a moment to reflect that the President of the United States believes it’s appropriate. There appears to be no bottom.”

He just goes lower and lower. That’ll be his legacy ... President Pig.

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_____, in response to a question about Brett Kavanaugh’s drinking habits, said he had “compromising” info on a Democratic senator and then claimed to be a teetotaler:

“I happen to know some United States senators. One who is on the other side, who’s pretty aggressive. I’ve seen that person in very bad situations. Okay? I’ve seen that person in very bad situations. Somewhat compromising. And I think it’s very unfair to bring up things like this. I was surprised how vocal [Kavanaugh] was about the fact that he likes beer, and he’s had a little bit of difficulty, I mean he talked about things that happened when he drinks. This is not a man that said that he was perfect with respect to alcohol…I’m not a drinker. I can honestly say I never had a beer in my life. It’s one of my only good traits. I don’t drink. I never had a glass of alcohol. I never had alcohol. For whatever reason. Can you imagine if I had? What a mess I’d be. I would be the world’s worst. I never drank. I never drank.”

First off, this is just another time he’s claimed to ‘know’ something but then not divulging it which proves he’s lying.

And, while it may be true that he doesn’t drink alcohol, his constant sniffing suggests another habit.

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Eric Reid, who gained notoriety when he became the first player to join then-teammate Colin Kaepernick in taking a knee during the national anthem, signed with the Carolina Panthers, and spoke about the movement at his first press conference:

“Next year will be 2019. It will mark 400 years since the first slaves touched the soil of this country. That’s 400 years of systemic oppression. That’s slavery, Jim Crow, new Jim Crow, mass incarceration, you name it. The Great Depression—they come out with the New Deal, and black people didn’t have access to those government stimulus packages. The New Deal set up what is known as the modern-day middle class. We didn’t have access to those programs, the GI Bill, social security, home loans, none of that. So this has been happening since my people have gotten here. And so, I just felt the need to say something about it.”

Take a knee. Take a stand.

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Anthony Kennedy, former Supreme Court Justice whose retirement created the vacancy for Kavanaugh, on maintaining civil discourse:

“Perhaps we didn’t do too good a job teaching the importance of preserving democracy by an enlightened civic discourse. In the first part of this century we’re seeing the death and decline of democracy.”

Perhaps had you not been forced out we wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

So, thanks, but take a seat.

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Jimmy Kimmel, ripping Junior a new one over his disbelief that Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford has a fear of flying … Junior Tweeted: “I’m no psychology professor but it does seem weird to me that someone could have a selective fear of flying. Can’t do it to testify but for vacation, well it’s not a problem at all”:

“I agree, you’re not a psychology professor. You are a dull-witted human canker sore who shoots baby hippos out of daddy’s helicopter because it’s the only way you can get an erection. Do us a favor, put the Twitter aside. Go rub a tub of Axe extreme-hold hair gel on your empty head, you chinless son of a circus peanut. Could there be a dumber thing to be than Donald _____ Jr.?”

I think that sums it up.

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Greg Abbott, Republican Governor of Texas, called Senate candidate, and Democrat, Beto O’Rourke as “cult-like” in the way that he’s garnered attention in his bid to unseat Ted Cruz:

“He’s been a cult-like, very popular figure the way that he’s run the campaign, but you don’t vote on cult, you don’t vote on personality when you get to the U.S. Senate. You vote on the issues. Texans are hostile to any candidate who’s talking about raising their taxes. Texans are hostile to anybody talking about big government programs run their lives.”

Huh. Tell that to the 55,000 Texans who came to see Beto the other night, compared to the hundreds who show up for Cruz.

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Naomi Campbell, on the Cardi B and Nicki Minaj shoe-hurling mess at the Harper’s Bazaar ICONS party:

“It was called an Icon Party but there were no icons there. And I’m going to say it because I told it to Carine Roitfeld to her face. I don’t think it’s something I can’t say. But Kate and I were at home on the couch watching TV. But I was disappointed. I don’t want to see women of color fight. I don’t want to see women fight period. So not there, not that. It’s all music. There’s no division of music and music is for everyone. There’s no discrimination. So I felt very disappointed.”

I love Naomi Campbell but …

In 1998 Campbell beat her assistant Georgina Galanis about the face and neck with a phone and also threatened to throw her out of a moving car.

In 2005 then-assistant Amanda Brack accused Campbell of assaulting her with a BlackBerry mobile phone. Also in 2005, Naomi beat up her longtime friend, actress Yvonne Scio, because she was wearing too similar a dress to the one worn by Campbell.

In 2006 Naomi was arrested for wreaking havoc on a boat. Again in 2006 Naomi was arrested for hitting her housekeeper with a cellphone.

That said, I’ll be going into hiding now, because I think Naomi knows where I live.

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Bobservations

So …because we live in a house with animals, we once again needed to have the carpets cleaned—we have family visiting in a couple of weeks, too, so there’s that.

We called the company we normally use and they came out and cleaned the rugs and everything is nice and new and purty for guests, but … after Darnell finished working we sat in the kitchen chatting for a moment and writing out the check. We offered him some tea …because it’s the south and that’s what you do … and h accepted. But then he asked us how we make the tea.

“Lipton and organic sugar,” I say.

And he proceeds to tell us that, after completing another job, the homeowner offered him some ta and as he was drinking the tea, the client told him they make their tea with tea leaves and pot leaves.

Seriously. I told Darnell that was almost like getting roofied.

Only in the South.

An Indiana man, listed in court papers as John Doe 1, is suing Father James Grear, the Catholic church, and the Roman Catholic Diocese of Lafayette.

John Doe 1 claims Grear, his former priest, sexually abused him at a Catholic youth rally in 1982. He returned home after the rally, and later attended confession in his home church where he told Bishop Raymond Gallagher what happened to him. Gallagher told him to “forget about the abuse, to ask God to forgive him, and not to disclose the abuse to anyone else.”

That’s the Catholic church; blaming the victim and saving themselves for eons.

First Lady Melanie ______is taking her “Be Best” campaign to Africa—home of those “shithole” countries her husband referred to—because there are no children in this country who could benefit from her own experience of being married to the biggest bully of them all.

Like, oh, I dunno, kids in cages?

In 2016, Ilhan Omar, a Somali-American, was elected a Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party member of the Minnesota House of Representatives becoming the first Somali-American legislator elected to office in the United States.

Today, Omar is positioned to become only one of two Muslim-American women to … hopefully … win a congressional primary election—the other is Michigan Democratic House nominee Rashida Tlaib. So, who exactly is Ilhan Omar?

“I’m a legislator, a refugee, and a working mom. But above all, I’m an organizer. And I’m ready to organize for the America we deserve … We started this campaign to prove people are ready and willing to fight for an America that works for all of us. To every staff member, volunteer, donor, and voter, this win is just as much yours as it is mine. I will fight in Congress to uplift the voices of the LGBTQIA+ community, and especially when that intersects with other marginalized identities. I will fight to end the epidemic of bullying and violence against queer youth. Young LGBTQIA+ are disproportionately affected by mental illness, homelessness, and drug abuse and addiction. We must treat these issues as a public health crisis. Together, we will move our district, state and nation forward.”

Forward. Omar’s campaign revolve around Medicare for all, abolishing ICE, tuition-free college, and raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour.

Forward; not backwards like our current leadership.

Best meme I saw this whole week about Lindsey Graham’s hissy fit at the Kavanaugh hearings said:

Funny, cuz it’s true.

We all know _____ is a misogynistic pig, but it was painfully on display at a press conference this week when ABC News White House correspondent Cecilia Vega was given the chance to ask a question.

The Fat Bastard first claimed that Vega was in a “state of shock” that he called on her, but she replied:

“I’m not, thank you …”

And the pig interrupted by saying:

“I know you’re not thinking. You never do.”

Yes. He did. And because he’s a lying piece of filth who surrounds himself with other lying pieces of filth, when the White House released the transcript of the exchange, they claimed _____ actually said:

“I know you’re not thanking. You never do.”

And they seriously expect people to believe their own ears over a lying, misogynistic dirtbag.

Not today Satan.

And if any of you still support this man, well, F**k off.

After mocking a disabled reporter on the campaign trail, after mocking John McCain for being a prisoner of war, after mocking a family who lost their son in war, the other night he mocked Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, a victim of sexual assault.

Now, we know that his most ardent supporters are evangelicals, but if they can overlook all of this and still cheer him, they have lost all meaning of being a Good Christian and are, in fact, vile little angry racist sheep.

Who will burn in hell.

This week the State Department began imposing a new policy restricting visas for the same-sex partners of staff of U.S.-based international organizations, such as the United Nations, the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund.

Cuz, you know,_____ hates the gays, and hates any policy enacted by Obama.

I’m not one for medical shows—they tend to get very graphic these days—but I caught a preview of New Amsterdam the other day and the Heat Meter went off.

It stars Ryan Eggold, who’s handsome, in away, but he has a wry smile and twinkle in his wink that makes me wanna play doctor with him.

And it also stars Jocko Sims who is JPH … Just Plain Hot.

I may have to check myself into New Amsterdam …for a physical.

Architecture Wednesday: To The Tower!

Lotsa folks are looking to downsize and are aiming for those co-called ‘tiny houses,’ which really are just trailers and campers.

We could use a downsize, and this home, well, part of a home, in Mtunzini, South Africa just might be the way to go. It’s only about 800 square feet and the idea was to house two teenage children since the existing family cabin was too small. The solution was to either build another floor above the existing home, or find a site on the small lot to build the addition.

And so what we’ve got is a tower … Hey Rapunzel … reached by a circular staircase. And with wide open spaces, the tower rooms can take the views of the sea even higher. It’s not a huge space, and not a huge lot, and I wonder about navigating the stairs after wine, but still …living in a tower?

The ultimate tale for a fairy, if I do say so myself.

HomeDSGN

The Women Are Coming! The Women Are Coming!

I’m’a make this as brief as I can …

The Pussy groper, wife raping, serial adulterer, porn star screwing fat bastard in the White actually said yesterday that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh's experience of being accused of sexual assault marked a difficult moment for … wait for it … it’s misogynistic and pig-like … young men:

“It's a very scary time for young men in America when you can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of. You can be somebody that was perfect your entire life, and somebody could accuse you of something.”

Hey dumbass, maybe if you educate young boys to keep their hands to themselves, and their dicks to themselves, and to not hold women down and try to force themselves on women, life wouldn’t be so tough for those young boys.

But you wouldn’t know about that because, again, you’re a pussy groping, wife raping, serial adulterer, porn star screwing fat bastard.

But, you know, since this, and the only word that comes of mind is ‘fuckmonkey,’ when this fuckmonkey was asked what his message was for young women, he said:

“Women are doing great.”

Oh, you dim bulb. Women are doing great because they’ve been emboldened by the #MeToo movement, and pigs like you and your two inbred-looking sons, and your picks for your cabinet and your team and the Supreme Court. Women are looking at you and your life, and those of all the men surrounding you and they’re pissed, and they’re coming for you.

And I’m’a help them every way I can because I learned who I am and what I am and how to act, and how to live and how to love, from women ... and from a father who was a male feminist when male feminism wasn't cool.

Tuesday Thought #4

Tuesday Thought #3

Tuesday Thought #2

Tuesday Thought #1

For My Sister ...On Her Birthday

Today is my sister Jeri’s birthday … it’s been almost four years since she lost her battle with cancer.

My sister, my big sister. My very first best friend; I loved her from the moment I was born, and I imagine she'd say she loved me from that second, too, even if I was 'the new baby.'

My sister, my big sister. We were very different; she was gregarious and out-going and had tons of friends and was always doing something. I was shy, almost petrifyingly so — my mom used to joke that I didn't start talking until I was eighteen — and I had just a handful of friends.

My sister, my big sister. She could be as stubborn as a mule, and had quite the temper, while I always tried to please, and be the nice one, and not draw attention to myself. We were as different as night and day, and as thick as thieves.

My fondest memory of her is the day she taught me, without knowing it, how to say I love you. You see, that day she had called to chat, and we talked about everything, from what we were doing to what the world was doing and then, as we were saying our goodbyes, she said, All right then, I love you.

And I said, Thanks.

Thanks? That was my response to my sister saying I love you? I mean, I guess I meant to say Thank you for loving me but that isn't really the correct response either, is it? So, as I tend to do, I sat there after that phone call and wondered why it was so hard for me to say those words, and I realized that I come, came, from a family that didn't really ever 'say' the words. We showed our love; we knew we were loved; I guess we all felt we just didn't have to 'say' it. 

Add to that the idea that I also thought, subconsciously, at least back then, that I didn't deserve to be loved because I was the 'different' one; the gay son. I mean, my parents knew I was gay, and they were fine with it; they loved me. But I’ve always wondered if they ever hoped that I wasn't; no matter how much you love your gay children, as a parent you realize their lives would be easier if they weren't gay. So, I felt loved, but at the same time, unworthy of being loved because I wasn't the 'expected’ son.

My sister, thankfully, thought differently and could say I love you so easily and simply, without force, that it made me realize that I was worth it.  And I thank her for that. After that conversation, and after my introspection, I listened to what she was saying: we all knew we were loved but she wanted us to hear it. And that made a huge difference.

Now, I didn’t change overnight and turn into one of those people that say I love you at the drop of a hat; it took time. I think the first time I said it back to her I probably choked on the words a little bit, as though they were somehow foreign to me, but it got easier and more natural.

I always knew my sister loved me, and I always will know it, it’s just that she made me realize I was worth it, and I could say it, and hear it and mean it and be it. That's just one of the lessons my sister taught me.

My sister, my big sister. My hero.

Why Does This Not Surprise Me?

If he had nothing to hide, why did he refuse to answer so many questions? Or dodge questions? Or, probably more likely, outright lie?

Dr. Ford answered everything because she has truth on her side.

The Funny Papers

Adam Zyglis, Mike Smith, Marc Murphy, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, Jim Morin, David Fitzsimmons, RJ Matson, Pat Bagley, Joel Pett, Clay Bennett