It's Snarkurday!

Everyone knows that hookers and blow are expensive. Well, everyone except Charlie Sheen, apparently.

It seems that Charlie Sheen owes the IRS $4,967,376.41 in taxes from 2015 which is odd, because other than announcing he was HIV-positive, Sheen didn’t work at all in 2915; his old show Anger Management ran from 2012-2014, and his 9/11 movie didn’t bomb until 2017.  I guess maybe his Two and a Half Men residuals offered some mighty coins for him to owe the IRS 5 million.

Of course, Charlie does own a $10 million Beverly Hills manse, that is he could just unload, he could pay off the government and then party like … well … Charlie Sheen.

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It looks like grown-up Drew Barrymore is acting more like child star Drew Barrymore … meaning maybe she needs a rehab vacation.

Barrymore was on Watch What Happens Live recently with her Santa Clarita Diet costar … Husband-In-My-Head … Timothy Olyphant and was obviously drunk. And now it appears that her close friends are worried about her and want her to try rehab again, after her first stint at treatment back when she was just thirteen, an emancipated minor and addicted to drugs and alcohol.

But is she drinking or drugging again? Or, as happens on Watch What Happens Live, where Andy Cohen serves drinks to his guests, was Drew just taken in by the show?

We’ll have to wait and see …

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So, Miranda Lambert is kind of that girl, that husband stealing girl … though, yeah, I know, if a husband didn’t want to be stolen he wouldn’t go. But still, Lambert seems to seek out married men when she’s looking for a new conquest, so, yeah, there’s that.

Lambert ALLEGEDLY got with her current man, country singer Evan Felker, while he was still with his wife Staci and she was still with her post-Blake Shelton boyfriend Anderson East.  Evan and his band became Miranda’s opening act on tour in February, and shortly after joining the tour, he filed for divorce.

A source—Blake or Gwen? —reveals how Miranda and Evan came to be … beginning with texts shortly before his band Turnpike Troubadours joined her tour. At first the texts were professional with Miranda praising Evan’s music and saying she wanted to write songs with him, but then they turned flirty. Evan ALLEGEDLY told Staci about the flirty texts, but, you know, Miranda Lambert; this could mean big coins for the family, so he kept at it.

And then he joined her tour but made a point of calling home to talk with Staci every night … for the first two nights. On the third night it was all ::::crickets::: because he was supposed to fly home, but he didn’t; he told Staci he wouldn’t be home for another week and, well, that turned into d-i-v-o-r-c-e papers on February 16.

And that was the same time that Miranda posted a picture to Instagram of a message she wrote on a mirror:

Well, she’s not playing and clearly doesn’t care, but, as Blake said, karma is a bitch and what goes around …

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Two weeks ago, it was reported that Johnny Depp was dropped by his latest law firm, who ALLEGEDLY labeled him too big of a legal mess to deal with and, well, it seems like they were right.

This week two of Johnny’s former bodyguards Eugene Arreola and Miguel Sanchez have recently filed a lawsuit against Depp, accusing him of not paying wages, not paying overtime, wrongful termination, and unlawful business practices. Eugene and Miguel also ALLEGE that most of their work was spent on keeping Johnny from his, ahem, “vices”:

“Often times Plaintiffs were forced to protect Defendant Depp from himself and his vices while in public, becoming caretakers for him. An incident at a local nightclub involved Plaintiffs alerting Depp of illegal substances visible on his face and person while preventing onlookers from seeing Depp’s condition.”

Seriously? They had to remind Depp to wipe the substances from his face to keep prying eyes and cellphones from noticing?

Eugene and Miguel previously guarded Johnny through Premiere Group International until hired them directly as his in-house security. Now Eugene and Miguel ALLEGE that from May 2016 to January 2018, Johnny never paid them overtime pay, gave them any breaks or meals during their 12-hour shifts, and they also ALLEGE they were often instructed to drive vehicles containing “illegal substances, open containers, and minors” for him.

Miguel also ALLEGES that he was the primary caregiver of Johnny’s son Jack; Miguel also claims he was instructed to “give in to every whim” of Johnny’s kids Jack and Lily-Rose unless he wanted to lose his job.

Eugene and Miguel claim that performing double duty as babysitters and drivers, combined with watching Johnny self-destruct, created a toxic and unsafe work environment, and they were forced to quit.

Sure, between babysitting the kids and babysitting Johnny, and cleaning up messes from all three, including those facial substances, would make anyone quit.

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She may never have married into that family, but Blac Chyna is as much a Kardastrophe as any of them because she’s all, always, and only, about the coins.

It seems that Chyna wants the money Kylie Jenner was paid for her former reality series, Life of Kylie, because Kylie’s show took her time slot on E! when Chyna's series Rob & Chyna was cancelled.

Seriously. Chyna’s show was cancelled because she and rob cancelled their made-for-TV “relationship: and now she thinks she deserves the money from the show that aired in place of her cancelled show?

Like I said, she’s a Kardastrophe… by injection.

Penis injection, if y’all get my drift.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Mitt Romney, comparing himself to _____:

“His first year is very similar to things I’d have done my first year. The things he’s actually done have been better than I expected.”

Mock the disabled? State that some racists are good people? Screw the environment? Incite world war?

Hey Mittsy? F**k off.

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Lance Bass, on why he never came out while NSYNC was together:

“The thing I want to say here today is something I’ve been trying to put into words maybe my whole life. Growing up in Mississippi and in a Southern Baptist church, in a town where everyone knows your business, I had a secret. I was gay. … And at the time, I thought that I would never be able to tell anyone because not only was I terrified of the lasting rejection … I was certain that that would happen … but more than that I didn’t want to jeopardize the careers of these guys up here, much less the hundreds of amazing people who worked tirelessly to bring NSYNC to the world. I thought if I had come out, NSYNC would be over. So I kept my secret. And our wildest dreams were coming true and we were so incredibly thankful. And I still am. But so many nights on stage, I’d see so many young, gay fans singing their hearts out and I wanted so badly to let you know, I was you. I just didn’t have the strength then. But I do today and so let me say loud and proud to all my LGBT brothers and sisters, who embrace me and show me the way to be who I am, thank you so much.”

No matter how famous you are, coming out is a personal journey and no one can take that first step for you.

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John McCain, on this current term being his last:

“This is my last term. If I hadn’t admitted that to myself before this summer, a stage 4 cancer diagnosis acts as ungentle persuasion. I’m freer than colleagues who will face the voters again. I can speak my mind without fearing the consequences much. And I can vote my conscience without worry. [_____] has declined to distinguish the actions of our government from the crimes of despotic ones. The appearance of toughness, or a reality show facsimile of toughness, seems to matter more than any of our values.”

Too bad McCain never thougt to speak up before his diagnosis, but he’s what’s wrong with career politicans: once elected all they worry about s being reelected and pandering to their base and the lobbyists who support them.

That’s why we need to vote them all out, every single time.

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Stephen Colbert, on the White House Correspondents Association after they dogged Michelle Wolf for her routine:

“Look, you didn’t like [it], you have that right. Don’t invite her back again, but grow a pair. This was a roast! And you’re the ones who hired Michelle Wolf! Being mad at her for doing her job is like accusing the valet of briefly stealing your car. And stop acting like you’re surprised. I thought news people did research! But you’re telling me you couldn’t spend 90 seconds on YouTube to find out what her act was like? As a great man once said, ‘Fake News.'”

True dat. You don’t ask Michelle Wolf to perform because you think she’ll be sweetness and light, you ask her to perform because she will bring it.

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Roseanne Barr, on the anger over her support for _____;

“Oh yeah, people are mad about that. But, you know, I don’t give a f**k …. Well everybody had to choose for themselves according to their own conscience who they thought was the lesser of two evils. You know, everybody chose that. So, I’m not gonna put anybody down who didn’t vote like me. This is America. It’s a free country. And, you know, when you weigh it all together, you know, I just felt like we needed a whole new thing, all the way, bottom to top.”

Trouble is, you tool, you voted for a man who has never done one single thing to help anyone but himself, and never a thing to help the very character you play on TV.

And, since you’ve always played up your support of the LGBT community, how do you explain voting for this anti-LGBT idiot?

Oh yeah, you can’t, so why don’t you STFU.

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Kanye West, on his “breakdown” last year being caused by an opioid addiction after plastic surgery:

“Two days before [the onstage meltdown] I was in the hospital. I was on opioids. I was addicted to opioids. I had plastic surgery because I was trying to look good for y’all. I got liposuction because I didn’t want y’all to call me fat like y’all called Rob at the wedding and made him fly home before me and Kim got married. I was taking two pills a day at that time,” he said. “When I left the hospital how many pills do you think I was given? Seven. I went from taking two pills to taking seven. The reason why I dropped those tweets and everything is because I was drugged the f–k out bro, and I’m not drugged out … these pills that they want me to take three of a day, I take one a week maybe, two a week. Ya’ll had me scared of myself, of my vision, so I took some pills so I wouldn’t go the hospital and prove everyone right. We are drugged out. We are following other people’s opinions. We are controlled by the media and today it all changes.”

See? It’s your fault Kanye was addicted to drugs. Cuz you would have called him fat and he couldn’t handle it so he took drugs and had liposuction because of you.

Seriously. This ass acts the fool and takes zero responsibility.

But, then how do we explain his “slavery is a choice” lunacy now if he’s no longer an addict?

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Laura Ingraham, Fox News tool, on Giuliani contradicting her Hair Furor’s claims that he didn’t know about Michael Cohen’s payment to Stormy Daniels:

“Did Trump pay it after April 6th? The left is jumping all over that tonight, saying, ‘What the heck? He did know, he didn’t know? Rudy’s on TV?’ What’s going on here? You have the president on tape on Air Force One saying he did not know about the payment, and you’ll have to ask Michael Cohen about that. [Then] Rudy just goes on with Hannity and says ‘Oh no, he reimbursed them.’ I love Rudy, but they better have an explanation for that [because] that’s a problem.”

Y’think? Asshat.

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Camille Cosby, going cray after her husband’s guilty verdict in his sex abuse case:

“The overall media, with their frenzied, relentless demonization of him and unquestioning acceptance of accusers’ allegations without any attendant proof, have superseded the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments, which guarantee due process and equal protection, and thereby eliminated the possibility of a fair trial and unbiased jury. Bill Cosby was labelled as guilty because the media and accusers said so… period … Since when are all accusers truthful? History disproves that…for example, Emmett Till’s accuser immediately comes to mind. In 1955, she testified before a jury of white men in a Mississippi courtroom that a 14-year-old African American boy had sexually assaulted her, only to later admit several decades later in 2008 that her testimony was false."

Oh Camille, you knew all along this shiz was going down, so you need to close your mouth. It isn’t one woman, or two, or even three. It’s fifty-seven women telling the same story, and for you to compare your rapist husband to Emmett Till is disgusting.

You knew, but didn’t want your lifestyle to be disrupted so you carried his secrets and shame.

You’re just as guilty.

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Sandra Bullock, on foster care, adoption, and her two children:

“Look: I’m all for Republican, Democrat, whatever, but don’t talk to me about what I can or can’t do with my body until you’ve taken care of every child who doesn’t have a home or is neglected or abused … Let’s all just refer to these kids as ‘our kids.’ Don’t say ‘my adopted child.’ No one calls their kid their ‘IVF child’ or their ‘oh, sh-t, I went to a bar and got knocked-up child.’ Let just say, ‘our children.’ Lou is supersensitive. I call him my 78-year-old son. He’s like Shecky Greene, a Jewish Catskills comic. He’s wise and kind. I saw that when they handed him to me. There was a spiritual bigness to him. I was like, “I hope I don’t eff that up.” And Laila is just unafraid. She’s a fighter, and that’s the reason she’s here today. She fought to keep her spirit intact. Oh my god, what she is going to accomplish. She’s going to bring some real change.”

I remember years ago reading the obituary of George Burns, and it said he was survived by his daughter and adopted son. He adopted the boy as an infant and yet some sixty-odd years later he was still the “adopted” son.

I’m with Bullock on this one. Quit with the labels.

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Bobservations

Last week we took Ozzo to the vet to have a dental cleaning and a growth removed from his hind leg. During the initial examination, which occurred a few days before, we were told the dental would be $787.00 and the “tumor” removal would be a shade over $800; we were also told that if any teeth needed to be removed that would be an additional charge.

I asked the doctor if there was a way we could whore out Ozzo to defray some of the costs … perhaps use him as a blood donor for other dogs at $50 a pop? Perhaps use him in their dog training classes as the What Not To Do Dog? Sadly, no.

Well, we learned as the surgical day went on that he had several teeth removed—he’s an older dog now, no matter how tiny he looks—and so as I picked Carlos up after work and we went to get Ozzo, we both muttered something like:

“It’s gonna be two thousand dollars for this dog.”

I, however, was the only one who asked if maybe we could just not go get the dog and skip out on the bill, and Carlos reminded me that the office manager at the vet’s office is the daughter of my boss and, well … damn this small town!

But, when we got to the office, and I pushed Carlos, kicking and screaming toward the counter, we learned that the entire bill was … $985, because Ozzo handled the anesthesia so well, and his little heart is so strong, that they were able to do both procedures one after the other, saving us about $800.

Ozzo. Even in a cone hat I think we’ll keep him.

The Fat Bastard’s new lawyer, Rudy “Dial All Nines For Legal Advice” Giuliani says _____ repaid attorney Michael Cohen for that $130,000 payment to Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about their affair but … it was just last month that the Fat Bastard told reporters he knew nothing about the payment, he didn’t know why Cohen made the payment and didn’t know where Cohen had gotten the money.

And yet now it appears he did pay Cohen back, so, everyone’s lying about this mess and if ______ didn’t disclose this payout on his financial disclosure forms that could be trouble.

Still, the best part is that they are claiming that _____ paid back a loan for hush money to a porn star who claims she had sex with _____—sorry, I threw up in mouth a little—that ____ says never happened.

Yes, he paid off a porn star for not having sex with him and then not talking about the sex they didn’t have.

Speaking of hypocrites, Mike “I’m Not Gay” Pence was in Tempe, Arizona, to headline an event for the pro-____ group America First Policies. And, in his speech, Pence singled out former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio for praise:

"A great friend of this president, a tireless champion of strong borders and the rule of law. Sheriff Joe Arpaio, I'm honored to have you here."

Wow … I thought Good Christians don’t lie because, as far as that "tireless champion of strong borders and the rule of law " business:

In 2011, a federal judge ordered Arpaio to stop stopping anyone who was not directly suspected of having committed a state or federal crime. Arpaio never acknowledged that order and continued enforcing his own brand of immigration policy. He was found guilty of criminal contempt and was scheduled to be sentenced last fall—until the Fat Bastard pardoned him because, well, racists stick together.

Oh, and let’s not forget the time that Joe Arpaio once faked an assassination attempt, then framed a man for it — all to win sympathy for his reelection campaign. The innocent man spent 4 years in jail until the lie was revealed; Arizona taxpayers footed the $1 million settlement.

And that’s who Mike “I’m Not Gay” Pence thinks would be a good candidate for Senate because, again, racists stick together.

Ah, the Catholic Church, shaming women for centuries …. 

Divine Child High School in Dearborn, Michigan, has come up with a plan to keep their female students from attending prom in revealing outfits. If any girl shows up in a dress that school officials deem risqué, they will be given a … wait for it, it’s rich … “Modesty Poncho” to wear.

Yup.

Donte Robinson and Rashon Nelson, the two black men arrested for sitting while black at a Philadelphia Starbucks settled with the world's biggest coffee-shop chain Wednesday for an undisclosed sum and be given the opportunity to complete their bachelor's degrees, their tuition fully covered, through a Starbucks partnership with Arizona State University. Also, the men will be given the chance to discuss their experience and share their recommendations for changes at Starbucks with former Attorney General Eric Holder.

But, better than that, the two men reached a deal with the city Philadelphia for $1 each and a promise from officials to set up a $200,000 program for young entrepreneurs:

"We thought long and hard about it, and we feel like this is the best way to see that change that we want to see. It’s not a right-now thing that's good for right now, but I feel like we will see the true change over time."— Donte Robinson

The men portrayed the twin settlements as an effort to make sure something positive came out of the April 12 incident.

Let’s hope.

Now, in Hate The Gays News, the Oklahoma House passed a bill that will allow adoption and foster care agencies to discriminate against parents whose lives violate the “sincerely held religious beliefs” of the agency.

I never knew an agency could have “sincerely held religious beliefs” but, still, the idiotically named “Adoption Protection Act” passed the GOP-controlled house in a 60-26 vote cuz, you know, Republicans hate The Gays.

Oklahoma Governor, and noted anti-LGBTQ bigot, Mary Fallin, a Republican because, of course, is expected to sign the bill.

So, Oklahoma would rather kids stay in foster care, in orphanages, in state care than be adopted by loving same-sex couples because, oh yeah, Hate The Gays.

In Good Gay News … 

After Zach Link, a Washington DC man who was brutally attacked in an anti-gay hate crime, is smiling again, now that DC dentist, Dr. Christopher Banks fixed his broken teeth for free.

When Dr Banks, also a member of the LGBTQ community,  learned of the attack on Link, he offered to help; he met with Zach and proceeded to restore his smile. Banks says:

“[The LGBTQ] community is beautiful in its resilience and desire to support each other. In a day and age wherein we shake our heads and proclaim hate and violence toward the LGBTQ is senseless and barbaric, we all know it still happens and all we can do is try to help each other pick up the pieces in the aftermath. Without knowing the depth, breadth and expense of Zach’s injuries, I reached out and offered full care because we are all members of a powerful loving LGBTQ community before anything else. It is through these acts of love in the face of hate that we will persist, thrive, and succeed in showing the world we want to be ‘one’.”

The march goes on, if we all stick together.

More Good Gays News … 

The New Zealand rugby team All Blacks and its sister team Black Ferns have amazing new jerseys to celebrate equality; the jerseys appear black when worn, but when stretched they reveal a rainbow:

“The result is a fabric that maintains its black appearance when at rest, but when stretched, reveals the deeper grooved portions of each rib and the colors underneath.”

LGBTQ supportive … and cool.

Jessica Farrar, a Texas Democratic … yes, Democratic … Representative has proposed a bill that would fine a man $100 each time he masturbates. The bill also imposes a 24-hour waiting period if a guy wants a colonoscopy or a vasectomy, or if he's in the market for some Viagra.

I first thought this was the height of stupidity, and thanked the goddess that I don’t live in Texas as I could not afford the Jerk Off Tax—I kid—but Farrar only introduced the bill to give male lawmakers a taste of their own medicine.

"Let's look at what Texas has done to women. What if men had to undergo the same intrusive procedures?"

Farrar's bill would penalize men for masturbation because … insert sarcasm … such behavior is a failure to preserve the sanctity of life and "an act against an unborn child."

I imagine Texas male lawmakers, though, don’t get the hypocrisy.

Pray Live, a division of the Maryland Prayer Center, has offered their response to the glut of gun violence in this country by giving concerned students and their families prayer wrist bands to wear. The organization’s founder, Wenda Royster, says God told her to do this:

“‘I need you to heal this nation by reminding school children and their parents that no matter what is going on around them, I am always there. Remember, only prayer changes behavior and things.' So, I created wristbands for mass distribution across the Country to remind our children that God is there with them, and that prayer changes things.”

Um, Wenda? Unless the wristbands are made from the same thing as Wonder Woman’s bracelets, which can actually stop bullets, you might wanna rethink this, because I can guarantee that at every mass shooting people are praying to stay alive as they are being shot to death, so your prayers are kinda useless.

Ass.

I’ve heard it said that you don’t make passes at boys who wear glasses. I beg to differ. 

Artyom Dubovik begs me to differ.

Architecture Wednesday: West Yard Farm

Y’all know I love a barn, and this one, a renovation of a 19th century country house and its granaries in the middle of Dartmoor National Park in southwest England is one of my favorites.

The entire property, the home and barn and outbuildings, were in need of repair and renovation, with the idea of creating a large family home by combining the main house, the barn via new, contemporary glass extension. The farmhouse now has 4 bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, and a spacious and bright kitchen within the attached glass space, while the old milking parlor is a self-contained guesthouse.

I love the old stone buildings combined with the sleek modern glass extensions and boxes, to create a rustic, open, bright space.

My mom always said I should have been born in a barn because I always leave the doors open and this would be the perfect barn for me.

Click to emBIGGERate ...

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The Gay Panic Defense Is Alive And Well In Texas ... and Forty-Seven Other States

James Miller was a police officer for the Austin Police Department, but then the 69-year-old man retired. He began playing guitar, playing at a local bar, and trying to put together a jazz band.  That’s when he met 32-year-old David Spencer, a recent transplant from LA, and a saxophone player also in search of a band.

The two men became friends, played music together and then, in September 2015, it went wrong. After a night of music and drinking at Spencer's house, Miller claims the younger man tried to kiss him:

“We were playing back and forth and everything, and I just let him know—Hey, I'm not gay. We been playing. We're musicians and all that kind of stuff, but I'm not a gay guy. Then it seemed like everything was all right, and everything was fine. When I got ready to go - it seemed like [expletive] just started happening."

James Miller, right, was eight inches shorter than Daniel Spencer; he weighed less than Daniel Spencer; he was a bit older than David Spencer. He claims Spencer became angry after Miller rejected his sexual advances and moved forward in an aggressive manner while holding a drinking glass.

Miller took out a knife and stabbed Spencer two times. A few hours later, hours later, he showed up at a police station, without so much as a scratch on him, and confessed:

“I think I killed someone … I stabbed him."

He was charged with murder, but three years later, at trial, James Miller claimed the killing was done in self-defense because he was in a "gay panic" after Spencer hit on him.

Yes, in 2018. The “gay panic” defense is still a legal defense in every single state in this country except California and Illinois. And in Miller's case it worked; he was found not guilty of murder or manslaughter—even though he stabbed a man to death—but was convicted of criminally negligent homicide.

Still, he will not spend a day in prison. He will spend six months in jail, complete 100 hours of community service, pay $11,000 in restitution to Spencer's family and use a portable alcohol monitoring service for at least a year. He will also be on probation for a decade.

And all because, he says, a gay man tried to kiss him. Sadly, we’ll never know if that was the case because David Spencer, left, is dead.

Spencer’s mother, Marsha Spencer told the jury:

“I have a huge hole in my heart. Something’s wrong in the world when you lose your child before you go. I’m tortured by the thought of how Daniel died and I’m tortured by the fact that he suffered and that he was alone when he died. It’s a loss that cuts deeply.”

But the jury didn’t care about Marsha Spencer, about the hole in her heart, about her murdered son, as much as they cared about the story of a gay man who may, may, have tried to kiss a straight man and was stabbed to death for it. To them, that’s deserving of death.

Here are some questions I would have asked had I been on that jury …

Why did a former police officer wait hours to report the crime?

And then why did he turn himself in to his former co-workers?

Why did Miller have a knife at a jam session with a friend?

Why, when a man hits on another man, is it okay to kill that man?

Lastly, if I, as a gay man, go out with a female friend and she makes a pass at me and tries to kiss me, can I stab her to death and then offer up a “straight panic” defense?

In America, in most of America, in 2018, you can still murder a gay man and get away with it simply by saying he tried to kiss you. And no one will question that or be able to question the victim.

Independent

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