The Funny Papers

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

This Mariah Carey-Nick Cannon split seems to have been in the works for weeks, even though Nick just confirmed it last week. The lawyers were already involved and the financial stuff figured out. But no one's heard from Mimi and apparently that's how she wants it done ... SILENCE!! ... even from Nick.

Mariah knew that Nick wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut, so she hit him with a confidentially agreement.  It seems Nick and Mariah's lawyers hashed out the agreement as part of their divorce and ... as most things are were in their marriage ... it’s completely one-sided.

Nick is barred from saying anything about the split and if he does then he will pay, financially. Yes, Mama Mimi will cut off any monies Nick might receive in the settlement if he opens his yap. And now he's zipped up tighter than Mariah in an evening gown on the way to Mickey D's for lunch.

Sidenote: post-split annoncement, Nick has taken to dressing like a 12-year-old boy, while Mariah has begun to look like Joan Collins, circa 1983 Dynasty.

Seriously, Mimi? You look like the Dowager Countess.

Chris Brown was hosting a pre-VMAs party at 1Oak club in LA last weekend when, as happens when brown is around, Suge Knight, founder of Def Row Records, was shot repeatedly at the bash. 

Oh, he’ll be fine, but Chrissy is taking this time to complain about the gunfire at the 1Oak Corral by Tweeting:

"It's disappointing that we as a society can't have fun or enjoy ourselves without any altercations sometimes. Miss me with the bullshit."

So, disappointing, because usually it's Chris Brown throwing punches at his girlfriend's face ... or Chris Brown throwing a chair out the window at GMA ... or Chris brown beating up a fan in Washington DC ... or Chris Brown starting a fight with Frank Ocean over a parking space ... or Chris Brown braking the windows of his Mama's car because he wasn't being released from anger management rehab.

How.Disappointing.Indeed.

About a week ago, news came out that Ed Bernero, the showrunner of "brilliant" actress Katherine Heigl's craptastic new TV show, State of Affairs, was leaving the show. And everyone involved with the series made sure to spread the word that his “exit doesn’t have anything to do with the show’s star.” 

Seems like overkill, no? Especially in light of this Heigl Tale ... Mike Walker, of the National Enquirer ... hey, they broke the John Edwards story ... says he has a source on the State of Affairs set and claims that Heigl made producers reshoot an entire scene because she didn’t like the way her ass looked. And ALLEGEDLY her co-star, Alfre Woodard, suggested that Heigl hire herself a butt double to make sure her ass always looks good on-camera.

I knew she was a pain in the ass, but I never knew her ass was such a pain to photograph.

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez called it quits with her most-recent boy-toy, and backup dancer, Casper Smart, because he was ALLEGEDLY banging a couple of transsexual models and JLo likes to be the only one her beau's are banging.

So, out with Casper and in with Maksim, another dancer ... sigh. 

But, recently, when JLo appeared on Chelsea Lately, Handler asked her about her dating future and JLo said this ... with a serious face:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

Like she wasn't whoring around with Ojani Noa, Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Marc Anthony, Casper Smart and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Seven men in fourteen years ... so she basically whores around for two years at a stretch and then moves on.

Meanwhile, back at Mimi and Nick ... I've always thought Mariah was crazy, and growing crazier year by year. I mean, how else to explain her sense of, um, style, when she grows older but proceeds to dress more and more like a Bratz doll stuck in a Claire's store in real life?

Well, it seems as if Mimi's mental state is the reason behind her split with Nick, and not his ALLEGED cheating. Sources say Nick has made it clear to everyone that he's worried about Mariah’s emotional state and is ending the marriage for the well-being of their kids. He believes the environment around Mariah is toxic and fears for his children.

And the child support baggage they bring with them, I imagine.

Still, Nick believes his kids have already shown signs of emotional upset by living in Mimi's World'o'Crazy and he wants them raised in a more stable, less manic and sequined, environment. He also thinks her "people" don’t care about anything but her ability to make money and pay their salaries.

So, which is it? Nick cheating? Mariah crazy?

You know which side I fall on ...

Last Sunday’s VMAs were shockingly scandal free since there were no twenty-something girls backing their asses up on thirty-something men’s crotches and calling it “entertainment” so someone had to be daring and, well, it fell on Nicki Minaj to have an incident.

Or did she?

See, Nicki had a wardrobe malfunction during her song when she ran off stage to change clothes and then returned in a dress which appeared unzipped. She tried holding it together so that we could be spared a Janet Jackson moment, but was it real, or was it rehearsed?

Nicki says it was an accident, and yet, during the dress rehearsal, the exact same thing happened; she returned to the stage with the front of her dress opened and then rehearsed how to dance around holding it closed. I think the ‘dress rehearsal’ was to see how Nicki could work the stage in an accidentally” unzipped dress and not be totally nude.

Uh huh.

Remember how Lindsay Lohan filed that crack-y lawsuit against the makers of Grand Theft Auto because, she said, the character “Lacey Jonas”, a cracked out has been actress with family issues and drug problems was based on her?

Well, the makers of GFA want the lawsuit thrown out of court and they want Lohan fined for, well, being Lohan and wasting everyone’s time. Lohan had sued manufacturer Take-Two Interactive saying they used her image — of a washed up actress — for the cartoon character of Lacey Jonas without her permission.

Now, Take-Two says the only physical similarity between Lindsay and Lacey is that they’re both young blondes and adds:

“The portrayal of a Hollywood figure being chased by paparazzi, of course, is hardly unique to Ms. Lohan. She also alleges that Grand Theft Auto V features a hotel similar to the Hotel Chateau Marmont of West Hollywood, where she once resided. This allegation underscores the thinness of Ms. Lohan’s claims: GTAV is a parody of Los Angeles, so it is unsurprising that it features similar buildings.”

I’ve a feeling this lawsuit will be tossed out faster than Lohan being tossed out of 1Oak in New York last year, and tossed out faster than the suit she filed against rapper Pitbull, claiming he improperly used her arrest in song lyrics.

Seriously, Lindsay, if you need money, get a job.

GET.A.JOB.

And let's end with good news ...

A lot of folks may not like them — well, they may not like her — but I love them both and, after nine years and six kids, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married.

While those Hollywood people were fawning over the Emmys and the VMAs Brad and Angie tied the knot in Chateau Miraval France, last weekend. It was a private affair, family and friends, and as Angelina has always said, their kids were a part of the couple’s big day. Angelina walked down the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax, while Zahara and Vivienne threw petals, and Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers.

In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Brad and Angelina obtained a marriage license from a local California judge who also conducted the ceremony in France.

Congratulations to the happy couple and the whole family.

PR 13 Ep 6: It Ought To Be A Shotgun Weddding

This episode opened with a WTF is happening moment as Amanda and Korina sit in their apartment in silence. We learn that, at some point, though it’s oddly not caught on camera, that Korina called Amanda a ‘phony.’ It was strange that we saw the aftermath of the call-out but not the actual call-out itself; makes me think the producers are trying to create some drama, even though Korina has been kind of nasty to other designtestants. Doe she hate Amanda because it’s her second time on the PR, or because Amanda’s won a couple of challenges while Korina usually languishes in the safe to bottom zone?

That’s all forgotten, for now, as the designtestants are taken to Webster Hall for what appears to be some kind of wedding. Enter Tim Gunn with Dita Von Teese, fabulous style icon, burlesque performer and lingerie designer to introduce the challenge: Create an alternative wedding dress and a dress for the reception on a budget of $00 for both looks and one day to do it. 

There are no rules to the challenge, but there is a twist: teams. Oy. Show of hands for those of you who knew instantly that Korina and Amanda would be paired together? Yeah, now that “forced drama” from earlier makes sense, I guess.

Let’s rip …

THE SAFES

KORINA and AMANDA

Even with all the “drama” about a riff between them, they basically worked well together, though Korina worked so long on the jacket that Amanda had to make the pants and make them too tight. Now, I am not a seamstress or fashion designer — though, apparently, I play one on this blog — but even I’ve heard of the designer’s using seam allowances to make sure their looks fit. You’d think that after being on two seasons of the PR, and creating a look for a model she’s never designed for, Amanda would have known that, too. She doesn’t … or it was an attempt to get Korina Auf’d should they land in the Bottom?

As for the clothes? Korina’s suit was awful. The lapels drooped and sagged and while the jacket bore more than a passing glance as a maternity coat, the pants were shiny and tight; never good.

Amanda said she was super happy with her super cute dress and I thought it was cute, minus the super. It was beige, not in color, but in feeling; neither here nor there.

THE TOPS

SEAN and KINI

These two seemed to have an affinity for what they wanted to design almost from the get-go and there was no stopping them; there’s never stopping Kini because he sews like a madman, so much sew, er, so, that he finished Sean’s top while Sean got stuck laboring the pants; a sticking point for later on. Their looks, they said, were for a lesbian wedding; a chic, not so plaid, lesbian wedding.

WHAT THEY SAID

Kini: The volume of the ruffle looks perfect to me. The structure of her jacket fits her perfect.

Sean: The top flows and floats behind her beautifully and the pants are sharp, crisp, well-finished and expensive looking.

WHAT I SAID

Kini’s is a wow; it looks chic, urban, upscale bridal, while Sean’s is urban party, tastefully done. It was clear from almost the start of the show that these two would win.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Adorable Zac Posen™ called Sean and Kini the ‘Dream Team’ and said their work was the best of the best. While he loved Kini’s look, and the skill and speed with which Kini works, he went with Sean’s for the win.

Nina loved their play on masculine and feminine and called Sean’s look effortless; she loved the fluidity of the top and Nina loves a Tuxedo pant, y’all.  She did think that the flounce on Kini’s — she called it an appendage — looked a little too flamenco for her, though. She was definitely Team Sean.

Heidi loved Kini’s flounce — she was Team Kini all the way — and loved that it was clear that both looks were for the same girl; she called their designs impeccable.

Dita Von Teese said she would wear both; Kini’s out-and-about and Sean’s on any Tuesday.

Fellow guest judge, Italian style blogger Chiara Ferragni, called the looks timeless and chic, but she came down on Team Sean as well.

WHAT HAPPENED

Sean gets his second win and Kini gets the Sour Apple Award, complaining that he made his look, and made Sean’s top, while Sean only made the pant; more on that in MY TAKE.

THE UPPER MIDDLES

EMILY and FADE 

They, too, got along well, and, after urging from Emily, opted to go Goth in their alternative wedding universe. Emily does the gown—in lace and black, with cutouts, over a peach color fabric; peach? That doesn’t read Goth to me. But she did a lace hood which was cool and long lace sleeves as well.

Fade took on the reception dress and began creating his own fabric with the lace and some paint, a few paper clips, some wire and bits of hair that Korina pulled out of her head while she struggled with her jacket.

WHAT THEY SAID

Emily: I feel like my dress, in relation to the others, is a lot darker … but more artistic.

Fade: If you get a close-up look, you go, ‘Oh, it’s actually cotton and lace and painting.

WHAT I SAID

I loved Emily’s hood, and the reveal; very cool. I hated the skirt because that does not read Goth at all. Fade’s look was beautiful and cool, but is not at all Goth and so the two looks don’t work well together.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

The Adorable Zac Posen™, on Emily saying her model had finally met the man of her dreams, muttered, “You mean the corpse of her dreams.” He then says not even Elvira would wear that look.

Dita, who had her own Goth wedding, said Elvira keeps it simple and chic. And then she called Emily’s attempt at Goth a ‘parody’ and a ‘cliché’ ; she actually said it made her want to laugh, and she pointed out that, not only would these two looks not be worn by the same girl these two girls wouldn’t hang out together at a wedding.

Chiara doesn’t mind the long dress — says it might photograph well — but doesn’t see any cohesion between the two looks.

Heidi, though, liked the wedding look, though the Goth look was too funereal for her, and she loved the draping of the top; she did say that Fade’s look missed the sexy by an inch or so in the neckline.

Nina loved Fade’s textile, and called it beautiful, but hated the too-long sleeves on Emily’s dress, calling them overpowering; she did like the lace hood, though.

WHAT HAPPENED

They weren’t bad, but they weren’t good either. So, we’ll called them Upper Middle, and Safe.

THE LOWER MIDDLES

ALEXANDER and SAMANTHA 

It all went downhill at Mood with the choice of Oxblood lace; I mean, does oxblood sound like a good color on a wedding dress? On any dress?

When Tim stopped by he pointed out that the two dresses were actually quite similar and it was hard to say which was wedding and which was party. So, Samantha added oxblood colored feathers to hers and Alexander tacked grayish white appliqués to his.

WHAT THEY SAID

Alexander: I love the look. It’s something completely different from what I’ve done. I was concerned it might be top heavy, but it didn’t read that way at all.

Samantha: She looks good. The color is great. There’s nothing I see that I would want to change.

WHAT I SAID

There’s was an old movie, called Fantastic Voyage, in which a submarine filled with doctors was shrunk down to blood-cell size and injected into the body of a man who needed some kind of brain surgery. One of the doctors — Raquel Welch ... go figure — was “scuba diving” in the arteries when her body was mistaken for some alien form and attacked by the man’s immune system. These things attached themselves to her scuba suit to try and neutralize the threat.

That’s what Alexander’s dress looked like to me.

Samantha’s dress was cute but nothing much; even the feathers couldn’t help it. Feathered Blah.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Nina said the only thing missing from these looks was rhinestones since Alexander and Samantha seemed to throw everything else on them.  She called them #ThrowbackThursday, the 80s are back, which can never be a good thing. Then she actually said the word “Ugh” and called them overwhelming, though she said Samantha’s was a little better.

Heidi hated the bulkiness of Alexander’s appliqués, saying it looked like one dress worn over another; she did, however, like the lace, though she called the look cheesy. She gave slight praise to Samantha’s bird look.

The Adorable Zac Posen™ pointed out the organic quality of the looks, and then the giant seam in Alexander’s skirt. His one compliment? The looks do seem like they come from the same world and are for the same girl. He then called them cheap—ow—and pointed out the badly done ombré effect on Samantha’s dress that look like A] spilled red wine or B] the girl walked into the pool. Ow. Again.

Chiara hated Samantha’s look; it was short and transparent and tight, while Dita hated Alexander’s use of white appliqués and red lace, and called Samantha’s something she’d already seen at a rock-and-roll wedding.

WHAT HAPPENED

There are worse things on the runway so Alexander and Samantha live to die another day.

THE VERY BOTTOMS

SANDHYA and CHAR 

Their problems started just before Mood, when, while designing their looks, Sandhya said she wanted to go bright yellow and Char, who hated the idea, kind of let that battle go.

Big mistake. Huge.  When  Tim checked in he called them out on the color, saying you could go bold yellow but then the looks have to be impeccably crafted; yeah that ship has already sailed when Char couldn’t work her leather into a top that didn’t look like torpedo breasts.

Torpedoed. That’s what happened to them. Self-torpedoed.

WHAT THEY SAID

Sandhya: I can see it’s a little unfinished. My draping is not one of my strengths.

Char: I didn’t get a chance to finish my look.

WHAT I SAID

Sandhya’s top was interesting. That’s all. The rest was a thruway. Please. Throw it away.

Char’s dress looked like leftover pieces of fabric discovered in a dumpster behind Parson’s that were tacked onto a badly made leather bodice, with a peek-a-boo ass show out back.

WHAT THE JUDGES SAID

Heidi calls it a shocker and an epic fail. Heidi agrees and goes on to call out the haphazard way the skirts on both looks were constructed. Char’s top was crooked, and Sandhya’s skirt looked like a bed sheet. On closer inspection, Heidi spotted the badly sewn, stapled, glued, pinned, tacked, tacky backside of Char’s skirt

The Adorable Zac Posen™ calls it Big Bird and Tweety Bird. He added that there were too many ideas and settled on both looks being a “toilet paper accident.” He also pointed out the dress under Sandhya’s bed sheet skirt that was so badly made that Dita said it looked like something a fiend would make at a Wild Party Craft Table.

Nina echoed Tim’s sentiment that better made looks, and perhaps simpler looks, would have been fine in that loud yellow fabric.

Dita thinks the girl looks like "a lemon heiress," which was a fabulous line, and may have worked had either look been worn with a lemon shaped headpiece.

Chiara didn’t hate the color — if you wore them to a wedding in a field somewhere … like a scarecrow wedding? But she agreed that both dresses were a mess.

WHAT HAPPENED

Sandhya, I guessed based on her two wins, is safe, and Char, based on never winning at all, is Auf’d.

Tim said that if it was later in the season, he would have used his Tim Gunn Save on Char. Char seemed pleased, but I thought it sounded like I would have saved you but your look is crap and had it been a few weeks down the road and you made blah blah blah.

MY TAKE

Best Line of the Night: Alexander, on Sandhya’s look: Sandhya’s dress looks like a corn cob…after you eat the corn.

I loathe Amanda, but she seems to be getting The Hate from the other designtestants. First, Korina ALLEGEDLY — since we didn’t see it — called her a phony, and then we learned that Char told Amanda to her face that she shouldn’t have been allowed back in the PR. Ouch.  

All that Kini nonsense about how he should have won because he helped Sean by making the top: let me make this perfectly queer, Kini: you sewed Sean’s design. You didn’t design it, you sewed it together. It’s like if Zac Posen had made a gown and everyone called it beautiful and then a seamstress stepped forward and claimed credit because she ran it through the Singer. Sean won for his design; you don’t win for sewing, or sewing fast.

That said, I think Kini will be in it for a while because he is very talented. He just needs to ratchet down the Pity party because no one’s coming.

Sandhya dodged a bullet because, when I saw that dress under her dress and how ridiculous it looked I thought she would be dragged from the runway and thrown onto 7th Avenue. Still, she’ll go soon. I think.

Sean and Kini seem destined to show at The Tents. Who else? Fade? Perhaps. Amanda? The editing seems to suggest it, but I hope it doesn’t turn out like Wretched Gretchen’s season and Amanda wins.

What did YOU think?

Would You Hit It?

Simon Baker's been around for a while. He had, er, maybe has, a TV show on CBS and he played Anne Hathaway's love interest in The Devil Wear Prada. Oh, and he's an Aussie.

That's all ... except one question:

Would.You.Hit.It?

Yes or No.

I Didn't Say It

Greg Berlanti, Arrow creator, on his relationship with soccer star Robbie Rogers:

“I’m absolutely crazy in love with him so I don’t think too much about all that stuff. I just try to live my life and I know he does too, like two people who are really happy and healthy and a relationship that we both feel really blessed about."

It’s really that simple, for any couple, gay or straight.

Bryan Cranston, accepting his Emmy for Breaking Bad, on how he came to acting:

“I would like to dedicate this award to all the Sneaky Petes of the world, who thought that settling for mediocrity was a good idea, because it was safe. Don’t do it. Take a chance. Take a risk. Find that passion. Rekindle it. Fall in love all over again. It’s really worth it.”

True words. Live a little; try something new.

Laverne Cox, on being harassed in the street for being gay or transgender … someone perceived as being different:

"I feel so often that our oppressors are in a lot of pain. When someone needs to call someone else out for who they are and make fun of them, it's because they don't feel comfortable with who they are. And so, if anyone ever has a problem with someone else, I ask you to look at yourselves first — what is it about you that you have a problem with?"

You gotta love her. 

People filled with so much hate have to be in pain, it just makes sense.

Michelangelo Signorile, on the news that Burger King might be moving to Canada to avoid US taxes:

“The fact that Burger King so publicly supports LGBT rights shouldn't matter. We should be past the point of being giddy over a nice wrapper. Corporations that dodge paying U.S. taxes while making billions from American consumers are wreaking havoc. We should all be sending a message to the fast-food giant that it is hurting America — gay America, straight America, all of America.”

American companies that try to dodge paying American taxes hurt all Americans, so when you hear of a company attempting this, let them know it’s unacceptable. And un-American.

Billy Crystal, on Robin Williams at the 2014 Emmy Awards:

"He made us laugh. Hard. Every time you saw him. On television and in movies, nightclubs, arenas, hospitals, homeless shelters, for our troops overseas and even in a dying girl's living room, to honor her last wish. He made us laugh.

"I spent many happy hours onstage with Robin. His brilliance was stunning; the relentless energy breathtaking. I felt like if I could throw a saddle on him and stay on for eight seconds, I was doing great.

"Robin, Whoopi, and I were in the broadcast booth on Comic Relief day at a New York Mets game with the great Tim McCarver. Robin knew nothing about baseball. I asked him who his favorite team was, and he said, 'The San Franciscos.'

"He was a little lost in the conversation, so I got an idea, turned to him and said, 'We have a Russian baseball player with us.' His eyes got all bright; his ears perked up. It was like he was a little dog that was inside all day and the master came and said, 'Hey, do you want to go for a walk?' I said, 'What's baseball like in Russia?' Without missing a beat, he said, 'We only have one team: The Reds.'

"The ball came screaming at us; we ducked down, it went screaming into the wall. The ball bounced back into Robin's hands. He yelled, 'I love America! I'm going to defect.'

"He could be funny anywhere. Often at my family functions, he would sit with my older immigrant relatives like he was one of the guys, and he would tell them about his journey from his little village in Poland to America. One uncle of mine said he came to America after World War II and hitchhiked. Robin said, 'I waited until there was a 747 and a kosher meal.'

"As genius as he was on stage, he was the greatest friend you could ever imagine: supportive, protective, loving. It's very hard to talk about him in the past because he was so present in our lives. For almost 40 years, he was the brightest star in the comedy galaxy. But while some of the brightest of celestial bodies are actually extinct, their molten energy long since cooled, miraculously, because they float in the heavens so far away from us now, their beautiful light will shine on us forever. And the glow will be so bright, it will warm your heart and make your eyes glisten, and you'll think to yourselves: Robin Williams… what a concept."

What a concept indeed.