I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I, like most rational human beings, live in fear of Anna Wintour. I heard she’s had women killed for wearing white after Labor Day; she once had a model’s feet removed because she was wearing a wedge when wedges were out; she hates Kim Kardashian — okay, that’s kinda sweet actually — but she is also the one who ALLEGEDLY told Oprah to lose weight before she’d put her on the cover of Vogue; and Oprah did it. And once, on 60 Minutes, she described a trip to Minnesota like this:

“I’d just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses.”

So, yeah, live in fear. But, imagine being her daughter? I know! Scary, right?

Wintour has two grown children—Charles and Bee—from her marriage to child psychiatrist David Shaffer, which ended in 1999. Charles lives in Minnesota, which must be why Mom went there and was horrified by the fat people, while Bee works as a segment producer for Seth Myers.

Anyway Bee recently Instagrammed photos of some bags and presents sitting on the floor with the caption:

“My mom threw out our tree before Christmas Day because ‘it was too messy’”

Like I said, live in fear, Anna Wintour can stop Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas ….

Justin Bieber’s latest documentary, Believe, was released in theaters and apparently he spends most of the time bemoaning how mean folks are to him because he spits on fans, pisses in mop buckets, bangs Brazilian hookers , drives like a lunatic and is high about 98% of the time.

So, on Christmas Day Miss Justine had just had it, and she Tweeted out the following message:

This is the best Christmas present EVER!

Except she’s joking, and just trying to make a play for sympathy. Or she was high as a kite and one of her handlers let her out of her room and near the internet.

Lindsay Lohan is writing a book y’all. I know, I’d be more surprised, too, if she’d read a book first but you can’t have everything.

Still, it seems the book will be a tell-all about Lindsay life and multiple arrests and fights and convictions and prison terms and rehab stays and her parents aren’t keen on the idea ... because they’re afraid they’ll come off looking bad.

Michael Lohan is already threatening to sue, not Lindsay, but Dina, because he says the book will be used by Dina to circumvent the terms of their divorce in that she not talk about him. So, his lawyer just sent a threatening letter to Dina, reminding her about the gag order which was imposed in their divorce:

”The wife shall not, directly or indirectly, publish, or cause to be published, any diary, memoir, letter, story” blibbety blah blay blue shut up! 

Wow, his daughter wants to talk about her issues with drugs and pills and cars and catfights and bad movies and rehab and arrests and court dates and lesbian flings and Michael thinks it’s gonna be about him?

Oh hell no.

Ain’t nobody got time to read that.

So, once again people are calling Britney Spears as dumb as a box of rocks.

Remember when her X Factor cohorts Simon Cowell and Adrienne Bailon confirmed that BritBrit was too dumb to function on the show? They said she had to have her remarks written down before she could speak?

Then, Good Morning America and Australia’s The Roula & Ryan Show basically said the same thing about Brit because they had to submit all their questions in advance, ask them on air in the same order, and not deviate at all from the “script” lest Brit get confused.

Chicago Tribune entertainment writer Luis Gomez asked a handful of colleagues to name their “least favorite interview of 2013″.

Jamar ‘J Niice’ McNeil of Chicago’s B96 The J Show:

“Least favorite interview this year was Britney Spears. She was not at all interested in her own new album, her new single or her Vegas residency show. She wasn’t interested in the interview. Why’d her label make her do this? Waste. I would’ve rather spent that time with a corpse. No, like really. A corpse ‘of gasses,’ might twitch, decomposes, bloats — pretty interesting stuff. Britney Spears? Two words: Nothing there.”

Christopher ‘Brotha Fred’ Frederick of 103.5 Kiss FM’s Fred + Angi In The Morning:

“While I wouldn’t say it was my least favorite, as we are always happy to talk to Britney Spears, she just seemed disconnected. It was difficult to get more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from her. But she did tell us she ‘never’ lip-syncs, and that surprised more than just us as it made national news.”

Michelle ‘Showbiz Shelly’ Menaker also of B96′s The J Show:

“The worst interview of the year had to be Britney Spears. While she has catchy songs and cool music videos, it was almost a struggle for her to form a sentence. She might have been nervous, but it was tough for her to elaborate on things as simple as her new Vegas Show.” 

She.Doesn’t.Lip.Sync.

Honey she lip-syncs interviews.

Mariah Carey has finally divulged the biggest regret of her career and it wasn’t sitting with Nikki on American Idol or performing for dictators and collecting massive paychecks:

“Honestly, it was always Glitter because I didn’t have somebody in control. I really needed a Hollywood legend to be in control. It was called the “G” word, we couldn’t bring it up … it was a horrible couple of years, but I had to get my momentum back for people to let it go.”

She may have called it ‘G’ while I heard it was more ‘WTF.’

Jennifer Lawrence, honey, I’m kinda getting’ tired of you.

First she used to love The Fashion police because nearly every week she made their Best Dressed list. But one time she was on the Fash-hole List and suddenly JLaw began saying what a hateful show it was and how demeaning to women it was; I guess by ‘women’ she meant her.

But listen to this quote from JLaw about how Jack Nicholson — who ALLEGEDLY hit on her after she won her Oscar — followed up his come-on with a gift:

“He’s sent me flowers and a bottle of Cristal and a note that said ‘Missing you already.’ Not to brag. I should’ve probably kept that a secret so it could just be between me and Jack.”

Yes, not to brag, and yet you did. It seems JLaw has mastered the fine art of the HumbleBrag.

So Kate Winslet and husband number three, the inexplicably named Ned Rocknroll recently had a baby and they named him …

Bear.

I’m wondering if Winslet is hoping her son will grow up to have a successful career as a gay porn star confined to a specific genre.

Oh, and his name is Bear Winslet, because Bear Rocknroll would be dumb.

Kanye West has a new enemy and her name is Katy Perry.

I’d pay to see that catfight, just to watch Kim and John Mayor purse their lips and pose from the sidelines.

It seems that Katy is comparing the recent music video she and her douche boyfriend John Mayor released to the completely insane music video for Bound 2 that Kim and Kanye Kartooned.

While appearing on  The Ellen DeGeneres Show and asked if her and Mayer’s video was a response to Bound 2, Katy joked:

 “Yes. I thought our response was a little bit more authentic because my hair was blowing in the right direction, though . . .”

Ellen concurred, “She was facing backwards, right? So her hair should have been [blowing the other direction].”

Well, maybe so, but I’ve heard Kim blows in all directions.

And speaking of Kimye .... what's the deal with this picture?

I mean, it's damn near impossible to tell which one is the drag queen and which one is the gay man.