A Golden Stream Of Consciousness

So, The Golden Globes….Oscar’s ugly stepsister…but still an awards show and I’m a whore for ‘em…..Saturday was all about football, I guess, and some team from Baltimore, I guess, but Sunday was Globes…and something I wanted to see.

I was kinda worried about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Both funny, but I thought they might be a little too safe and, well, I was one of ‘those people’ who loved Ricky Gervais and hiss sense of irreverence and, some say, nastiness. But, I couldn’t have been more wrong about Feyhler—I mean, if we can Bennifer and Brangelina, we can Feyhler, right?

Good line: “Only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television.”

Cut to rat-faced person of movies, Quentin Tarantino. 

Good Line:  “I haven’t been following the controversy of Zero Dark Thirty but when it comes to torture I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

Cut to Kathryn Bigelow, trying not to guffaw. Cut to still skin-and-bones Anne Hathaway in a truly boring gown.

Good Line: “Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.”

Cut to Mandy Patinkin, but, right behind him, the just adorable Hugh Dancy.  And then, Julianne Moore, a red-haired Meryl Streep in the same way Helen Mirren is the British Meryl, and Kate Winslet is the Younger British Meryl.

Daniel Day-Lewis. Please let him win so I can hear him speak. I does love a man with an accent.

Bradley Cooper….a most beautiful man. …if this was the 50s, I’d say he was just dreamy…..and some former star’s daughter….Kate? Hudson?....BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOVIE: Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained.

Kerry Washington….I.Love.Her….BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES/MINI-SERIES/TV MOVIE: Dame Maggie Smith, Downton Abby. Sadly, she ain’t there because Maggie does give good speech.

Don Cheadle….love him….and Eva Longoria ….in a God-awful dress and an even worse Angelina Jolie Leg-rip-off….BEST MINI-SERIES/TV MOVIE: Gamer Change. The Mama Grizzly Bore, MGB™, watching from her house in Alaska, is probably having a fit.

BEST ACTRESS MINI-SERIES/TV MOVIE: Please let it be Jessica Lange in AHS: Asylum….please….please….pl—Julianne Moore, Game Change. Oh, this is good, too, because you know MGB™ is livid.

Catherine Zeta Jones comes out to show off her new boobs and audition for the part of Fantine in Les Miz. Someone should tell her that the part has been cast and played better than she could ever hope, given her sadly of-key line-singing of I Dreamed A Dream.

Hollywood Foreign Press Association president, Dr. Aida Takla O’Reilly, wobbles out. Is this a joke? No Joke? Whatever it is, it was not good. Also not good was Rosario Dawson in a dress that would have better served her had it been at least a size larger.

Matt LeBlanc. I loathed Joey, but love Episodes, and, well, he seems to get hotter as he gets older.

Salma Hayek appears, cinched to within an inch of her life, alongside the adorkable Paul Rudd. BEST ACTOR TV DRAMA: Damian Lewis, Homeland. I always forget he’s British….BEST TV SERIES DRAMA: Homeland. One of the favorite shows at Casa Bob y Carlos. …though I would have been just as thrilled had our other favorite show, Downton Abby, taken the prize.

John Goodman and some CIA guy, Tony Mendez, so horribly out of place, introduce Argo,

JLo and JSta, acting together in some movie that will surely bomb, BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Mychael Danna, Life of Pi….followed by BEST ORIGINAL SONG: Adele, Skyfall. Love.Her.Love.The.Song.Love.Her.Speech. But then I mostly loved the nasty little smirk on loser Taylor Swift’s face, though I’m glad we didn’t have to endure another one of her Gee Whiz, Aw Shucks, Who Me wins. In case you’re missing the point, I loathe Taylor Swift.

Good Line: “Taylor Swift? Stay away from Sam Fox.”

Cut to: not Taylor Swift because I’m sure she wasn’t happy being portrayed as a serial dater.

BEST ACTOR MINI-SERIES/TV MOVIE: Kevin Costner who gave what sounded like a retirement speech, talking about what a good ride he’s had. Retirement? I can only hope,

Bill Clinton to intro Lincoln gets the biggest ovation of the night—until Jodie speaks.

Good Line: “That was Hilary Clinton’s husband.”

Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig were high-larious as they presented BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook.

Good Line: “Harvey [Weinstein]? Thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here.”

Cut to: not Harvey Weinstein, though, JLaw’s line was funny because it could happen; or, it could have already happened….’Memba when Paltrow won the Oscar for Shakespeare in Love? Just sayin’.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR TV SERIES/MINI-SERIES/TV MOVIE: Max Greenfield, who didn’t win, but is so delicious looking that I might have to find out what show he’s on just to watch it. Seriously. Beautiful. But the win goes to Ed Harris, Game Change.

Jamie Fox, all ego and self-congratulatory, intro’s Django Unchained.

Jonah hill and Megan Fox….only good because Hill tried to keep Fox quiet, which is good. BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables. Sadly, I am growing weary of Anne Hathaway and her Taylor-Swift-esque Aw Shucksness.  I did like that she gave a well-deserved shout-out to Sally Field, so brilliant in Lincoln.

Amanda Seyfried and Robert Pattinson. She seemed really drunk on the red carpet and still a bit wasted here, while he’s not all that. Seriously, I don’t get the fascination with a pasty faced Brit vampire. Not again. BEST SCREENPLAY MOTION PICTURE: Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained. I fast-forwarded, because I cannot stand to a) look at him, b0 listen to him, and c) do both of those things at the same time.

Jeremy irons intros Salmon Fishing In The Yemen which, I’m told, was a real movie and not just another joke from Feyhler.

Lucy Liu in a dress that people will love—I did—or dub Couch-esque, and Debra Messing in basic boring black. BEST ACTOR TV SERIES: Don Cheadle, House of Lies. Well-deserved.

Arnold and Sly. Retire already. Seriously, they look like Madame Tussauds figures come to life, or a facsimile of life. BEST FOREIGN LANGUGAE FILM: Amour.

Nathan Fillion—pasty—and Lea Michelle—overly spray-tanned—BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES: Claire Danes, Homeland. She is great as Crazy Spy Carrie.

Sasha Baron Cohen….funny…..not funny….then just plain rude….BEST ANIMATED FILM: Brave.

Liev Schreiber intros Life of Pi. I’d have rather been introduced to Liev Schreiber.

Jason Bateman and Aziz Ansari. Pot jokes. How 70s. Yawn. BEST ACTRESS IN A TV COMEDY: Lena Dunham, Girls. Girl needs to learn to walk in heels; or get shoes that don’t pinch.

Robert Downey Jr. gives Jodie Foster the Cecil B DeMille Award—see post below. 

Cut to a bored looking, and so desperately out-of-place, Mel Gibson.

Halle Berry also tries, and fails, to rock The Jolie Leg: BEST DIRECTOR: Ben Affleck, Argo.

Josh Brolin, looking like the love child of James Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones, intros Moonrise Kingdom.

Cut to: Bill Murray with really bad facial hair….unless his next film is about Teddy Roosevelt then it’s perfect.

Jimmy Fallon, funny and current, and Jay Leno, not funny and irrelevant, BEST TV COMEDY: Girls.

Jennifer Garner, who reminds us that she is Mrs. Ben Affleck because her career is basically over, comes out and finishes her husband's speech for him. 

BEST ACTOR MUSICAL OR COMEDY: Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman, Les Miserables. I can never, will never, get tired of looking at that Tall Drink Of Aussie Water.

Jeremy Renner…why is his voice so weird….intros Zero Dark Thirty.

Dustin Hoffman was dusted off and trotted out to present the BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY: Les Miserables.

George Clooney comes out and congratulates Ben Affleck, whose ego must need the strokes since the Oscars snubbed him, gives the BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA to Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty. Love her. Hate the dress. Bed sheet couture? Honey? No?

George then stays onstage because Meryl has the flu. BEST ACTOR INA MOTION PICTURE DRAMA: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln. I’ve waited nearly three hours to hear him speak and it was well worth it. So—back to the 50s—dreamy and so sweet and seemingly so humble.

Julia Roberts emerges because, well, she has nothing better to do I’m guessing. BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA: Argo.

The Hollywood Foreign Press loves them some AFLAC, er, Affleck, I guess. Halle Berry needs to stop channeling Angelina and get her life togetehr. Eva Longoria needs to stop channeling Angelina and get a job. Mel needs to go away, and take Stallone and Ah-nold with him. Jessica Chastain needs to fire her stylist. But....

....all in all, a good show. Feyhler was high-larious, and Jodie was fabulous, and DDL was adorable.

What more could I want?