I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gwyneth Paltrow, professional snake oil salesman, if snake oil was really a jade vagina egg, is making the rounds of interviews touting her own superiority—again—and it’s amazing to read.

The Wall Street Journal is featuring Gwynnie and she wants you to know she’s a changed woman. Uh huh...

“I’m here one fucking time. I want an incredible life. I used to be in my trailer, smoking a cigarette and waiting for Ethan Hawke to open the door. Now look at me.”

Yes, look at you, with that enormous head. And then she wanders back to that whole “conscious uncoupling” thing which was really just another Hollywood divorce; still as she plays it in her head:

“It was so hard to be getting a divorce and letting go of this dream, and the public stuff was super painful. I wanted to see if we could check our pain and egos at the door and remember what we love about each other and be a family for these kids. What I didn’t understand at the time was, I think there’s a message in that, which is, ‘If you don’t do it this way, you’re hurting your kids.’ I think people take that as: ‘She thinks she is better than me.’”

Um, cuz you do, because then she actually says this:

“Forgive me if this comes out wrong, but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, ‘Have you ever done yoga before?’ And literally I turned to my friend, and I was like, ‘You have this job because I’ve done yoga before.’”

You know, she tries and tries to make herself out to be a decent person and then she opens her mouth and you instantly know exactly how much she thinks of herself.

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Speaking of annoying has-beens: Lindsay Lohan. She is also giving interviews to tout her new goals in life—which I think include avoiding rehab, car wrecks and not getting arrested—and is coming off as vain and vapid as Paltrow.

The full title of the Paper article is, and this is just precious, Princess Charming: Inside Lindsay Lohan’s Enduring Cult of Celebrity, but really it’s an article meant to promote the latest Lohan antics to keep her name out there …since that acting career is really over.

Lindsay talks about her, ahem, “family friendly” Mykonos beach resort, saying, “It’s not just a party thing; you can have a nice lunch” and her low-budget Vanderpump Rules reality show rip-off, Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. It is also noted in the interview—because Lindsay’s assistant, perhaps some rando she met at a club and gave a job to—that Lohan arrived on-time for a photo shoot.

Lindsay does a lot of whining about how she “could do 99 things right and one thing wrong, but it’s that one thing that will be focused on” and yet she still won’t discuss her ALLEGED attempt to kidnap a Syrian child from his parents one night in Moscow.

Yes, apparently Lohan was ready to talk about the kidnapping attempt but then she decided she wasn’t in the right “mood”. But the right mood finally hits days later when she emails the interviewer with her thoughts on the time she tried to steal a child:

“I read the situation wrong. I’ve learned from it. And that’s all I have to say.”

So many times I’ve read a situation wrong and tried to kidnap a child. But, as Lohan does, she wants to talk about her work, which is what she calls her non-existent acting career and how it was derailed by all the time she was court-ordered to jail or rehab.

“That was kind of taken away from me for a while, when I was going through a lot. I was spending money on going to treatment centers because the court was making me. It was hard for me to continue working, because when would I even find the time?”

Perhaps if you spent less time fighting in nightclubs, stealing necklaces from a jewelry store, crashing your car on the PCH, or being a drunken drug-addicted mess, you could have gotten some “work.”

But hey, she at least did one step out of twelve.

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Madonna’s long-running feud with Lady Gaga is heating up again perhaps because Gaga made a film that wasn’t an Evita-sized disaster, and because Gaga is being courted by the press to talk about her film debut.

The latest spat involves Gaga saying this on a press tour:

“There can be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don’t believe in you, but all it takes is one and it just changes your whole life.”

Some have noticed that the quote sounds similar to something Madonna burped up when she was relevant:

“If there are 100 people in a room and 99 say they liked it, I only remember the one person who didn’t.”

Yeah, Madge? The two statements are different. Gaga’s is about finding that one person who believes in you and wants to give you a chance, and yours is about finding the one person who hates you and wanting to take a hit out on them.

M’kay?

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Kanye is a tool. I could stop there, but, well, why?

Kanye and Kimye recently attended a performance of “The Cher Show” on Broadway, and apparently Kanye spent a great deal of time texting and Tweeting on his phone; it got so bad that one of the actors in the play, Jarrod Spector, who plays Sonny Bono, Tweeted at Kanye from backstage:

“Hey @kanyewest so cool that you’re here at @TheCherShow! If you look up from your cell phone you’ll see we’re doing a show up here. It’s opening night. Kind of a big deal for us. Thanks so much.”

Kanye tried to save face by Tweeting out:

“To Cher and the Cher show team, the dynamics of Cher and Sonny’s relationship made Kim and I grab each other’s hand and sing ‘I got you babe.’ Please pardon my lack of etiquette. We have so much appreciation for the energy you guys put into making this master piece.”

Then put your goddamned phone away asshat and enjoy the show, and let others enjoy it too, you narcissistic tool.

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Poor Shauna Sexton, the Playboy Playmate who dated Ben Affleck for about twenty minutes last summer. Sexton is claiming that dating  Affleck for 2-months “really scarred” her.  I know; two months of hell for the poor girl, who insists the two have broken up for good …this time.

Sexton now claims that Affleck, whom she dated right up until his last stint in rehab,  was moody and that he was always up and down”:

“Sometimes he [wanted] to go out, drink and get girls, and other times [he was] completely sober and going to church.”

Funny, because Shauna said last Summer that she and Ben “never drank together,” and that now that they are officially over—he’s clearly not taking her to prom—she can try “to be as normal as possible right now.”

I guess all her scars are on the inside, so that hasn’t hurt her nude modeling career … or her move to keep her Fifteen Minutes of Fame going.

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Oh Khloé … for a while I thought you might the be the smart Kardastrophe, but you’re as dumb, and media seeking, as the entire K-Klan.

Remember when Khloé was pregnant with Tristan Thompson’s child and he cheated on her while she was pregnant and after? Oh, and remember how he cheated on his last pregnant girlfriend with Khloé?

I guess Thompson must have a Magic Dick because Khloé Kardastrophe is ready to get knocked up by him again.

Of course, you must remember how much attention having a cheating Baby Daddy brought to their TV show, so, in the end, what does it matter if you bring another child into the world with a serial cheater, as long as the ratings go up and E! renews you for another year or two?

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