Clearly, Republicans have no sense of humor; clearly, they can dish it out, but they cannot take it. Clearly, they have no sense of humor when it comes from a woman because, well, woman belong under the thumb of the GOP, not speaking, and joking, in public.
Women like Michelle Wolf:
“Good evening. Here we are, the White House correspondents' dinner: Like a porn star says when she's about to have sex with a _____, let's get this over with … I'm going to skip a lot of the normal pleasantries. We're at a Hilton; it's not nice. This is on C-SPAN; no one watches that. _____ is president; it's not ideal.”
“And just a reminder to everyone, I'm here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I'm not trying to get anything accomplished. So, everyone that's here from Congress, you should feel right at home.”
“A lot of you might not know who I am. I'm 32 years old, which is an odd age: 10 years too young to host this event and
"It's 2018, and I'm a woman so you cannot shut me up. Unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name, Reince Priebus."
“Now, people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree that this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say, “You've been subpoenaed. Thanks to _____, pink yarn sales are through the roof. After _____ got elected, women started knitting those p---y hats. When I first saw them, I was like, “That's a p---y?” I guess mine just has a lot more yarn on it.”
“Of course, _____ isn't here, if you haven't noticed … I would drag him here myself.
“Mr. President, I don’t think you’re very rich. I think you might be rich in Idaho, but in New York you’re doing fine. _____ is the only person that still watches “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” and thinks, “Me.” Although, I'm not sure you'd get very far. He'd get to, like, the third question and be, like, “I have to phone a 'Fox & Friend.'”
Wolf also played a game … “_____ is so broke” … and the audience responded accordingly … “How broke is he?” …
“He’s so broke, he has to fly failed business class.”
“He’s so broke, he looked for foreign oil in Don Jr.’s hair.”
“He’s so broke, Southwest used him as one of their engines. I know, it’s so soon. It’s so soon for that joke.”
“_____ is racist, though. He loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a ‘white nationalist’ is like calling a pedophile a ‘kid friend,’ or Harvey Weinstein a ‘ladies man,’ which isn’t really fair – he also likes plants.”
“A lot of people want _____p to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think _____ is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay. Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, “Mmm.” Mike Pence is also very anti-choice. He thinks abortion is murder, which, first of all, don't knock it till you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it. You know, you got to get that baby out of there. And, yes, sure, you can groan all you want. I know a lot of you are very antiabortion. You know, unless it's the one you got for your secret mistress. It's fun how values can waiver. But good for you.”
“I had a lot of jokes about Cabinet members,
“Mitch McConnell isn’t here tonight, he had a prior engagement. He’s finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel. Paul Ryan couldn't make it. Of course, he's already been circumcised. Unfortunately, while they were down there, they also took his balls.”
"We should definitely talk about the women in the _____ administration. There's Kellyanne Conway. Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does: Conway. It's like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small Tits. [But] you guys gotta stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don't give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. It's like that old saying: If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree? I'm not suggesting she gets hurt; just stuck. Stuck under a tree.”
“Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is Scott Pruitt's definition of porn. Yeah, we all have our kinks.”
“There's also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she's about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She's done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess, like father, like daughter … She does clean up nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. She's the Diaper Genie of the administration. On the outside, she looks sleek but the inside — it's still full of shit.”
Then she honed in on Press Secretary Liar to the Media, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, sitting stone-faced, well, melting stone-faced, a few feet away:
"We are graced with Sarah's presence tonight. I have to say I'm a little star struck. I love you as aunt Lydia in 'The Handmaid's Tale.' Mike Pence, if you haven’t seen it, you would love it."
"I actually really like Sarah. I think she's very resourceful. But she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye. Like, maybe she's born with it; maybe it's lies."
"Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I'm not really sure what we're going to get: you know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. “It's shirts and skins, and this time, don't be such a little b----,
"I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Is it Sarah Sanders, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what’s Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know, Aunt Coulter.”
Still, even Democrats weren’t off limits:
"Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don't do anything. People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You're somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile, Nazi Doctor."
“Al Franken was ousted. That one really hurt liberals. But I believe it was great Ted Kennedy who said ‘Wow! That’s crazy! I murdered a woman.’ Chappaquiddick, in theaters now.”
And the media, even the liberal media, wasn’t spared:
“Fox News is here, so you know what that means, ladies. Cover your drinks. People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that;
“Megyn Kelly got paid 23 million dollars by NBC, then NBC didn’t let Megyn go to the Winter Olympics. Why not? She’s so white, cold, and expensive, she might as well be the Winter Olympics … And by the way Megyn, Santa’s black. The weird old guy going through your chimney was Bill O’Reilly.”
“The most useful information at CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.”
Then she aimed at print media:
“There's a ton of you guys, but I'm not going to go after print media tonight because it's illegal to attack an endangered species.”
“There's a ton of news right now; a lot is going on, and we have all these 24-hour news networks, and we could be covering everything. But, instead, we're covering like three topics. Every hour, it's _____, Russia, Hillary and a panel of four people who remind you why you don't go home for Thanksgiving.”
“You guys are obsessed with _____. Did you used to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him, but I think you love him. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that _____ has helped all of you. He couldn't sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric, but he has helped you. He's helped you sell your papers and your books and your TV. You helped create this monster, and now you're profiting off of him. And if you're gonna profit off of _____, you should at least give him some money because he doesn't have any.”
“_____ is so broke.”
Audience: “How broke is he?”
“He grabs p---ies 'cause he thinks there might be loose change in them.”
“All right, like an immigrant who was brought here by his parents and didn't do anything wrong, I gotta get the f--- out of here. Good night.”