Saturday, April 16, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Oh, it’s a Kardastrophe! Khloe Kardastrophe, that is. Her brilliantly awful talk show, Kocktails with Khloe has been Kanceled.  I know, Surprise! Not.

And, ALLEGEDLY, the show was canceled because it was Khloe Khaos up in there. While it ALLEGEDLY had been a ratings bonanza for the FYI network — not to be confused with the FML network — because it had more viewers than the test pattern it replaced, it was all such a hot mess that the plug was finally pulled.

But the biggest hot mess was Khloe herself who was used to being on a hit show and being kinda the boss, but suddenly finding that she wasn’t all that and a bag of chips.

Let me break it down like this: the Kardastrophes are big on E! because E! puts them everywhere and caters to their every whim, but when you take a Kardastrophe, That Woman or Khloe, and put them where they have no E! publicity machine, they tank because, wait for it, no one really cares.

It’s like a bad sequel to Back to the Future, Part Has-beenNicolas Cage and Vince Neil apparently got into a brawl outside the Aria Hotel in Las Vegas last week.

The fight started inside the hotel after a woman came up to Nicolas and Vince and asked Nicolas for an autograph. Then ALLEGEDLY, Vince Neil, apparently pissed the women didn’t know who he was, walked up behind the woman, yanked her hair and pulled her to the ground.

And so Nicolas Cage went all superhero on Neil’s ass, and the fight was taken outside where Cage tried to get Neil into a car … and that was all caught on tape.

Police were called and Vince Neil was cited for battery, but was not arrested. Odd, since he’s currently the subject of a criminal investigation for other Vegas brawls.

But it’s the video that’s kinda funny — Google it and you’ll see — because Nicolas Cage appears to be angling for another Oscar as his emotions run the gamut from screaming and shrieking at Vince Neil, to holding him close and whispering in his ear.

But maybe it’s just Nicolas Cage being insane … again.

So, we’ve heard about 50 Cent’s legal issues: he owes millions in damages for being a dick, and then tried to claim that he has no money, all the while posting pictures to social media of himself standing in front of piles of cash.

Well, Fiddy was in bankruptcy court again and the judge in the case was not amused at his lack of interest in the case.

Judge Ann Nevins wasn’t playing when she said she didn’t want to see anymore Instagram pictures of 50 Cent’s wads of cash pics. See, the last time Fiddy was in bankruptcy court to discuss those pictures, he took another picture of himself with thousands of dollars stuffed into his pants while he was eating M&Ms.

Cuz that’s what asshats do in bankruptcy court.

So when Judge Nevins saw that picture she took away Fiddy’s phone. Wow, how will Fiddy be able to mock the judicial system now that his iPhone is in contempt of court?

So Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe are engaged. How’s that gonna play out? Um, on TV ALLEGEDLY and soon, too, because Blac’n’Rob don’t want to draw it out.

Blac’n’Rob are hoping to negotiate some kind of TV deal which would show the wedding planning and the actual wedding — just like Kim’s nanosecond marriage to Kris Humphries — and That Woman, who doesn’t much care for Blac and thinks the engagement is all media hype, is now trying to negotiate the deal so she can get a few coins out of it, too.

No word on whether or not she’ll negotiate the Divorce Court episode where Blac’n’Rob untie their mess of a union about 72 days after tying the knot.

And while we’re on Kardastrophe’s and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent, did y’all hear this week when Kendall Jenner announced that she started the trend of wearing wigs and that no one else wore them until she did?

Marie Antoinette was last seen crawling from her crypt to bitch slap that child, and starting an army with RuPaul, Dolly Parton, Raquel Welch, George Washington, Patti LaBelle, Little Richard, King Louis XIV, Cher, and me, at age thirteen, wearing one of my Mom’s wigs on  Halloween.

Kendall, honey, sit down. For a long time please.

Now, due to a court order, newspapers in England and Wales can’t print any of the gritty details of this story, but thankfully we are not England and Wales …

Apparently David Furnish, the husband of Elton John — the subject of a sexual harassment lawsuit — has been named in a sex scandal across the pond.

English papers are calling the couple “AB” and “CD” while reporting the tale of a “well-known figure”, AKA David Furnish, who had a threesome with another couple more than four years ago.

The National Enquirer — and remember they broke the John Edwards cheater story — says “Elton John betrayed by cheating husband” though they also say John says he knew about the relationship. According to the Enquirer, Furnish had unprotected sex with a man at least twice—an allegation John’s lawyers deny—and that Furnish joined the man and his husband in a threesome that involved cavorting in a kiddie pool filled with olive oil.

Seriously … olive oil and kiddie pools. And since they have been banned from telling the tale, The Sun newspaper was left to simply publishing a picture of a small plastic pool and a glass jar of olive oil.

Just sayin’.

Last we heard from Megan Fox she was divorcing her husband Brian Austin Green after several years of marriage and two children.

Or, is it three children? See, Megan Fox is pregnant again — showing off a baby bump to promote the no-one-asked-for-this sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — and the baby daddy is  none other than her soon-to-be ex.

It seems that while separating and planning to divorce, Brian and Megan shared a house and a bed and the desire to have unprotected sex and now they’ll go on with the divorce and the baby.

Only in Hollywood.

It’s not exactly shaping up to be a great week for Kardastrophes, and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent.

Khloe’s show got the boot, and then she took out an ad, or just flapped her lips, that she’s done, again, with Lamar Odom. Kanye Kardastrophe also trotted out yet another excuse for his stealing the limelight from Taylor Swift—something he did almost twenty years ago … or at least it feels like it.

And now Tyga, the baby daddy to his girlfriend’s brother’s soon-to-be stepchild, might have to say goodbye to another one of his leased luxury cars. According to documents Tyga owes a whole lot of money to Choice Motor Credit and hasn’t made a single payment on his 2013 Lamborghini Aventador.

But this isn’t Tyga’s first run in with creditors who want their coins. Earlier this year, Choice Motor Credit repossessed Tyga’s 2014 Bentley Mulsanne — because he still owed $91,000 for that car — and last Summer it was revealed that Tyga owed two different landlords a combined total of $150,000 in unpaid rent. 

And now the repo man has a’calling … againLook for a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophe’s: Tyga Loses His Car … And His Shiz.

Oh Gwyneth Paltrow, you slay me with your snobbery.

Gwyneth has a new cookbook that someone wrote for her called It’s All Easy because Gwyneth is all about the simplistic of cooking … like asking the maid to rustle up some eggs … ordering the gardener to cut you a salad from the Back Forty … asking the driver to swing by Whole Foods for a bale of kale.

But it was this line that killed me, with Paltrow declaring her home a microwave free zone:
“I do not own a microwave. No. I believe in the old-fashioned way of heating things up.”
Gwyneth-speak for:
I have the servants heat it up with the flame from an old Bic lighter.
And one more thing Gwyneth will not tolerate: dill.
“It really offends me.”
Dill was last seen trying to score a dime bag on Skid Row to put itself out of Paltrow’s misery. 


Helen Lashbrook said...

The Sun must be running out of vile reproaches for Obama's support of the UK staying in the EU if they are reduced to showing pictures of paddling pools and bottles of olive oil. Let's just hope that after carousing in the olive oil AB and co didn't go out in the sun.

the dogs' mother said...

I am offended by green beans...

anne marie in philly said...

I am offended by everyone in this week's trash!

Raybeard said...

Well, so at last I now know (re; David Furnish). We've had the farcical situation for over a week now where people in Scotland have been informed (they having a separate legal system to the rest of the U.K.) while we've been kept in the dark. I was only mildly intrigued anyway, the shutters being pulled down on the story more interesting itself than knowing who was involved. However, now that I do know, it wasn't someone whom I would have suspected. But anyway, for all I'm aware, the marriage between him and E.J. may well have allowed for a bit of 'playing away' in any case. So (shrugging shoulders) who really cares? - or ought to care?

Blobby said...

"That Woman, who doesn’t much care for Blac and thinks the engagement is all media hype..."

Ummm.....isn't this what 'that woman' has built entire empire on?

mistress maddie said...

Were gonna need alot of cheese wire today. What a hot mess.