Be Gone Oprah

I don't know why I did it, but I watched the last three Oprah Shows. Perhaps it was out of fear that this was all some colossal joke and she wasn't leaving after all, i don't know. But there I was, watching a DVRd Oprah Finale.

Thank god for the DVR so I could fast forward through the awkward parts; and by awkward, I mean Tom Cruise, who always looks so ill-at-ease whenever he's being Tom Cruise and not some mortal-man-saving-the-planet.

Awkward.

And Steadman. Oprah even pulled Steadman out of the crate where she keeps him and he gave a speech; a great big rambling incoherent speech which proved he doesn't really know Oprah at all. The only one who truly knows Oprah is Gayle, and why she chose a fuchsia sausage casing as a dress is beyond me.

But Oprah was Oprah, always commenting on everything that was going on rather than sitting back and enjoying the salute. And repeating everything three or four times. i swear, if you could go back and re-edit all the tapes of the last 25 years and cut out every single time she repeats herself, you probably have about seven years of shows.

And, naturally, whenever she cried, which was often, she gave a look to one of the cameras so we could all feel her emotion.See, Oprah know her audience doesn't really feel anything until she tells them how to feel.

Then there was the last episode, where Oprah paced about the stage and talked about Oprah and the Oprah Show. Talk about awkward. She even said something about her father's single sperm making it to her mother's egg during that one time they had sex under the tree and the result being.......Oprah.

Awkward.

And, except for one brief moment where she reminded us that the Oprah Show wasn't always about doing better, being better, looking better, spiritual mumbo jumbo, but that it was one of those tacky tabloid shows where DNA tests were mentioned and adulterous husbands were outed, Oprah painted herself as our savior.

Thanks O, but no thanks.

But I think what galled me most was her incessant thanking of 'us' for letting her come into our lives and teach us. It made me think that, as my guests left the Cinco de Never party, I should have said, "Thank you for letting me do all of this for you."

As I've always said, the Oprah Show is about Oprah, and nothing else. And now millions of women, and a few men, I'm guessing, will be sitting in front of their TVs every afternoon wondering what they're gonna do with their days and their lives.

Now, before all you Oprah-nuts come out of the woodwork and rage at me because you have nothing to do now that she's gone, let me say this simply; Yes, Oprah did good things. She helped people in need. She told us it was okay to read, although some of us, like me, were reading long before Oprah say it was one of her Favorite Things. She gave money to worthy causes and built a school in Africa--though I wondered why she didn't want to build a "leadership academy' in, say, Chicago. See, Oprah was always about trying to do better and be better, but seemed to be missing the mark herself.

As someone much wiser than me [Hi Froggy] once said--and I'm paraphrasing: For someone who spends so much time telling people happy, she doesn't seem very happy.