It's Snarkurday!

I’ve often called Helen Mirren the ‘British Meryl Streep’ …or, Streep is the ‘American Mirren.’ Now, however, we have an ‘American Hugh Grant’ in Owen Wilson, a confirmed bachelor who has fathered two sons with two different women.

A la Grant, who recently married one of his Baby Mama’s.

And now it appears Wilson has ALLEGEDLY fathered another child with a third woman and is undergoing a paternity test to see if he is the daddy.

Well, sperm donor. Wilson shares his 7-year-old son, Robert, with his ex-girlfriend Jade Duell, and is also the father of 4-year-old son Finn, with another ex, Caroline Lindqvist, and will no doubt be in this child’s life if Maury opens that envelope and proves he is the father.

But, um, Owen, howsabout not having a slew of children with a slew of women, because you cannot be a full-time daddy to three children by three different women. M’kay?

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Well, there is one anonymous Hollywood publicist who offers one piece of serious advice to his female clients: avoid John Mayer.

Sidenote: I think everyone should heed that advice.

Mayer, who’s dated Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry, is known to be “manipulative,” according to the mysterious PR flack.  Mayer once actually claimed that he didn’t sleep with women of color because his dick was racist and yet he still managed to get girls. The publicist says:

“I tell women in Hollywood to steer clear of him. He’s manipulative. He has a reputation … and it’s better to exercise caution dealing with anybody who kisses and tells.”

And tell and tell and tell and, a la Swifty, write songs about it. Mayer has said that he loved “sexual napalm” Jessica Simpson, has ridiculed Aniston for wanting him to pay as much attention to her as he did to his phone, and, yes, he’s a Taylor Swift song.

Like I said, the world should steer clear.

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Oh Madge, stop; just stop.

This week Madonna and her legal team were told to stop trying to obtain records from the neighbors in her Upper West Side co-op in NYC. It seems Madge stands accused of “harassing” her neighbors by continuing to seek records from the co-op board after losing a lawsuit.

Madonna sued her building, Harperley Hall in 2016 claiming that, because she’s always traveling the world, there was no way she could be in her condo all the time to satisfy the new rules against non-homeowners using the condo. The case got tossed because Madge filed too late and, since Madge doesn’t like being told what to do, so tried to dig up board records including voting information and annual meeting minutes to “investigate how her lease was changed” and “how her family may use Unit 7A without breaching the lease.”

Well, a judge has put the kibosh on Madge trying to harass her neighbors into getting that information:

 “Plaintiff [Madge] does not need those materials anymore to prove a case that, by law, she is no longer allowed to prove.”

In other words, Madge, we’re done.

Take a seat and follow the rules or, as Judge Judy would say:

"Uh, moooooove!”.

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Meanwhile onto other diva news, and by diva, I mean the weave and ass shaking, the lip-syncing, the sell your soul for coins loving, Beyoncé.

This week, while touring with current husband—you know this shiz won’t last—Jay-Z, the stage fucked up, and the only way for Bey to get down was from a ladder. And Bey doesn’t know how ladder works.

Seriously. The Carters were in Warsaw and one of the moving stages had clearly had enough of the gyrating while mouthing the words to her songs and took a break. And the only way for Bey to get down from the stage was if she hiked a leg and went down the ladder her assistants propped against the broken set piece.

And she wasn’t happy, though she pasted ion that trademarked Beyoncé smile™ and, after several minutes of people telling her she’d be fine, she finally hiked her leg up and descended the ladder held steady by about ten minions.

Seriously? Bitch doesn’t know how to use a ladder?

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We already mentioned her once, back in that John Mayer mess, so let’s dish on Jessica Simpson, who’s made a fortune selling shoes but understands her singing and acting career … and that makes me giggle … career …are all but over.

Word on the street is that Simpson has lost all motivation for life, along with husband Eric Johnson, stay home boozing and eating all the time. A source—and you know it’s Jessica herself—says:

“She feels like her acting career over, she’s aged out of Hollywood, and too fat. She doesn’t want to work out like she did before for roles … [She and Eric] rarely leave their huge mansion. And have everything delivered, no matter what it is!”

Now that may seem farfetched …especially the ‘aged out’ of Hollywood part because everyone knows she’s no actress, but what about that singing career? Simpson was ALLEGEDLY offered a Las Vegas residency, but would have had to lose weight for and she didn’t want to do that, so she declined.

And stayed home and ordered pizza.

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The Kardastrophe-Jenners have fired another influential behind-the-scenes person in their entourage: their longtime makeup artist Joyce Bonelli. A statement, no doubt released by That Woman, says:

“The family doesn’t speak to her anymore. She hasn’t worked for them for months. They just stopped working with her because they didn’t see it as a right fit anymore.”

And to make their point, every single Kardastrophe has stopped following Bonelli on Instagram.

The shock! But now the truth comes out … things turned sour last year, when Bonelli ALLEGEDLY “tried to go around them on a deal so the Kardastrophes wouldn’t make money off of it.”

Well, of course, it’s about the coins. How dare one of their employees make money off their name? I mean, they owe Satan a buttload of cash for making them famous. And by ‘Satan,’ I mean, That Woman.

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Mo’Nique has been battling with her Precious director Lee Daniels ever since that movie came out … almost ten years ago.

Damn, girl can hold a grudge. She famously claimed she was blackballed from Hollywood by Daniels for not “playing the game” by demanding to be paid for promoting the film for which she won an Oscar.

Daniels clapped back by saying Mo’Nique had too many “demands” and then Mo’Nique doubled down by adding Oprah and Tyler Perry to the list of people who treated her shabbily.

And now Daniels, who holds a grudge almost as tightly as Mo’Nique spoke again about their feud and asked Mo’Nique to stop blaming him, Oprah, and Tyler Perry for her career crash-and-burn, especially since Lee helped her win that Oscar:

“It breaks my heart that she feels that we blackballed her. No one blackballed her. Mo’Nique blackballed her. And for her to continue to talk about Oprah and myself and Tyler is disrespectful and, yeah, that hurt … I don’t understand her motive. I don’t get it. I really don’t … For her to think that I could do anything but, I don’t know, I don’t, like, it ain’t even worth the conversation. Like, she needs to shut up.”

Daniels oughta take his own advice and whenever Mo’Nique’s name comes up, simply say nothing. I mean, nothing ends a public feud faster than saying nothing. But Mo’Nique has already said she will never stop talking:

“The truth only goes away if we stop talking and y’all and I ain’t gonna stop talking and Lee Daniels, you shut up.”

Seriously? This has devolved into ‘You shut up!’ ‘No, you shut up.’?

Howsabout you both shut up?

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Guy Pearce is the latest person to spill the beans … twenty years later … about Kevin Spacey’s predilection for roaming groping hands.

If you recall, last year Gabriel Byrne revealed that Spacey caused shooting on The Usual Suspects to shut down because of his inappropriate sexual behavior and now Pearce says Spacey got “handsy” with him on the set of L.A. Confidential:

“Amazing actor; incredible actor. Mmm. Slightly difficult time with Kevin, yeah. He’s a handsy guy.”

Mild shade, until Pearce added:

“Thankfully, I was 29 and not 14.”

As a reminder, 14 is how old Anthony Rapp was when Kevin ALLEGEDLY molested him.

So, I’ll say it: I hope authorities come after Spacey with the same vengeance with which they’re gone after Weinstein because he deserves to be punished for being a sexual predator.

UPDATE:

Scotland Yard is investigating 3 more possible sexual assaults by Kevin Spacey:

“Between February and April of this year, police received allegations that the American actor sexually assaulted men in London and Gloucester. This brings the number of claims against Spacey being investigated by London police to six – five complaints of sexual assault and one of assault. The police have not confirmed the name of the person being investigated. Two of the latest allegations are said to have occurred in London – Westminster (1996) and Lambeth (2008) – and the third in Gloucester (2013).”

Perfect.

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Does Kristin Mink Have The Power?

Last week, a video in which Kristin Mink faced down asshatted EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt in a restaurant and told him to resign, went viral.

A few days later, Pruitt resigned.

Now, Kristin Mink took to Twitter to ask:

“Hey @realDonaldTrump where are you going to lunch tomorrow?”

Gosh, if only it was that easy, right?

I Didn't Say It ...

Barack Obama, telling us we are right to be concerned about this country:

“Do not wait for the perfect message, don’t wait to feel a tingle in your spine because you’re expecting politicians to be so inspiring and poetic and moving that somehow, ‘OK, I’ll get off my couch after all and go spend the 15-20 minutes it takes for me to vote,’ because that’s part of what happened in the last election. I heard that too much.”

You heard it from our last great president.

Cast.A.Goddmaned.Vote!

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Jon Stewart, returning to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert , and unleashing on _____’s policies:

“Hello, Donald. It’s me, the guy you made sure everyone knew was Jewish on Twitter. I know you’re upset about all the criticism you’ve been taking in the ‘fake news’ and the ‘fake late-night shows.’ It’s just we’re all still having a little trouble adjusting to your presidency as it goes into its … 500th year. Everything’s off its axis, it’s a little unusual. Apparently, Putin and Kim Jong Un are noble, intelligent role models, and Canada’s a bunch of giant assholes. That’s hard to get used to. You’re redoing the post-war alliances, but this time we’re with the axis powers. If there’s one hallmark to your presidency that I think we’re finding most difficult, it’s that, no matter what you do, it always comes with an extra layer of gleeful cruelty and dickishness. It’s not just that you don’t want people taking a knee, it’s that they’re sons of bitches if they do. It’s not just denying women who accuse you of sexual assault, it’s saying they were too ugly anyway. You can’t just be against the media, they’re ‘enemies of the people.’ Which brings us to immigration. Boy, you f**ked that up. It’s the seminal example of the _____ doctrine … Donald, you could have absolutely made a more stringent border policy that would have made your point about enforcement. But I guess it wouldn’t have felt right without a Dickensian level of villainy. You may be orange, you may like hamburgers, you may be a clown, but you are no Ronald McDonald. [So], let’s negotiate for an end to this gratuitous dickishness, what can we give you? You dig the dictator thing. How about a giant building with gold toilets and your name on it? Clearly, we’re not going to be able to negotiate or shame you into decency, but there is one place where I draw the line: I won’t allow you and your sycophants to turn your cruelty into virtue. You know, as the great Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘I am the least racist person you’ve ever met. The blacks, they love me.’ Sorry, that was you. [Lincoln actually said] ‘This and only this: cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right.’ It was on this point that Lincoln said the Union could not bend. And what _____ wants is for us to stop calling his cruelty and fear and divisiveness wrong, but to join him in calling it right. And this we cannot do. And I say, by not yielding, we will prevail!”

Word.

We.Will.Prevail.

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Darren Criss, on playing gay characters:

“Because that narrative is an interesting narrative. It’s a historically heroic narrative that involves resilient brave people and to be any kind of beacon for that story for any characterization of that element is fucking amazing…Like what a f**king privilege.”

And I imagine the roles are more fabulous!

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Ryan Murphy, Glee, American Horror Story, Pose, The Normal Heart, The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story, producer/director, receiving VH1’s Trailblazer Award:

“When I was first starting out in this business in the late 1990s, it was not easy for me. I was told not to follow my instinct, to be someone else. I was told I was too weird, I was too faggy, I was too unusual. My mannerisms and my voice were mocked by executives in note meetings … But honestly, it was very painful to be discriminated against because what I wanted to do with my life, with my career, was very simple. And that was to see myself and my experiences on television. Oprah Winfrey speaks very movingly about watching the Academy Awards and seeing herself and what she could possibly be when Sydney Poitier won an Oscar in 1964. As a gay man I never had that experience. I never saw triumphant, or at the very least, complicated gay people or gay characters on television. Where in the movies as a child or as a teenager, they were always marginalized punchlines at best, beaten for who they were most of the time, killed for who they were. I believe strongly in the power of television because I believe in the following: if you see yourself and some part of your human experiences reflected back at yourself, you will not feel alone. And people with hatred and bias in their hearts can often be converted if a character or situation they’re invested in feels like a friend.”

Say what you will about Ryan Murphy, but he has made a conscious effort to bring LGBTQ people to television and film so we can finally see ourselves.

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Collin Martin, a midfielder for Minnesota United, coming out as gay and becoming the only openly gay professional athlete active in any of the five major sports leagues:

“I have been out as a gay man for many years to my family and friends, and this includes my teammates. Today, I’m proud that my entire team and the management of Minnesota United know that I am gay. I have received only kindness and acceptance from everyone in Major League Soccer and that has made my decision to come out publicly much easier. As we celebrate Pride night, I want to thank my teammates for their unconditional support for who I am. In light of my experience as a professional athlete, I want to take this moment to encourage others who play sports professionally or otherwise to have confidence that sport will welcome them wholeheartedly. June is Pride month, and I am proud to be playing for Pride, and to be playing as an out gay man.”

I always say that we are not so proud to be gay, but we are proud to be openly gay, in a world that sometimes wishes we weren’t.

Welcome out, Collin, and please accept, as our gift from HOMO HQ, a copy of the Gay Agenda and The Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™.

Welcome out.

PS He's hot.

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Michelle Wolf, White House Correspondents Dinner firebrand, on the civility debate:

“You have to insult them specifically. ‘You’re a c**t’ doesn’t hurt them. It’s on their vision board. If you see Ivanka on the street, first call her Tiffany. This will devastate her. Then, talk to her in terms she will understand. Say, ‘Ivanka, you’re like vaginal mesh. You were supposed to support women, but now you have blood all over you and you’re the center of a thousand lawsuits.’ … You’re like that birth control pill Yaz. At first it seemed like it’d be really cool and helpful, but you need to be immediately recalled.”

I’m liking the idea.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, explaining Democratic socialism:

“I believe that in a modern, moral and wealthy society, no person in America should be too poor to live. What that means to me is healthcare as a human right; it means that every child, no matter where you are born, should have access to a college or trade-school education, if they so choose it. I think that no person should be homeless if we have public structures or public policy to allow for people to have homes and food and lead a dignified life in the United States.”

Is that so wrong?

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Bobservations

Earlier this year, the neighbor behind us began clearing away all the overgrown shrubs and vines between our two yards. As he did so, we learned that out fence was in really bad shape and so we had it removed and are set to replace it later this month.

In the meanwhile, Carlos and the neighbor have become very chummy, chatting in the backyard, talking about this and that.

We had a bad storm come through about a week ago and a dead tree fell across our driveway. The neighbor has a chainsaw and offered to come over and cut the tree up for us—it was too big to simply move. Then he offered to haul away the pieces of the tree for us.

Very nice. But, as I am apt to do, I began calling the neighbor Carlos’ new boyfriend.

“Your boyfriend is outside.”

“Your boyfriend is working in his shed.”

Your boyfriend is mowing his yard.”

This week the neighbor was using a small tractor to grade his property for better water drainage and I said to Carlos:

“Your boyfriend is outside on a tractor. Maybe if you’re nice he’ll let you take a ride.”

“I don’t want to ride on a tractor.”

I smiled:

“I didn’t say anything about riding his 'tractor'.”

I’m fun.,

I am no fan of churches, but this one made me smile … the Christ Church Cathedral in Indianapolis is sending quite the message about our current immigration crisis by putting up a display on their lawn that has statues of Mary, Joseph and Jesus in a cage.

The church posted to its Twitter page:

“On our lawn tonight we placed The Holy Family … in #ICE detention.”

The church also posted two signs on their lawn; one says #EveryFamilyIsHoly and the other says the same thing in #CadaFamiliaEsSagrada.

Church officials suggest the display might stay up as long as families continue to be detained.

As I said, not a fan of churches, but this one is stepping up for children and immigrants, something big religious leaders—like Graham, Robertson and Osteen—have failed to do.

After _____ called journalists and media the “enemy of the people”, several people were shot at the Capital Gazette offices last week and _____ said nothing about it.

When Annapolis Mayor Gavin Buckley asked _____ to lower American flags at the White House in honor those murdered, ____ said ‘No.’ Buckley said:

“Obviously, I’m disappointed, you know? … Is there a cutoff for tragedy? This was an attack on the press. It was an attack on freedom of speech. It’s just as important as any other tragedy.”

And if you think it’s just ____ ignoring gun shootings in this country at the urging of the NRA, please note that he did order flags lowered for previous mass shootings, such as the shootings at Santa Fe High School and at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland.

I guess he truly doesn’t feel journalists matter.

PS After mounting pressure the Fat Bastard did lower the flags, but kept up his "enemy of the people" mantra.

Angela Ponce, a trans woman was crowned as Miss Universe in Spain yesterday and will represent that country in the upcoming Miss Universe pageant at the end of the year.

The beauty pageant lifted the ban on trans women competing back in 2012 after urging from GLAAD.

Brava, Angela, brava!

Now, onto SCOTUS and the replacement for traitor Anthony Kennedy … _____ told his told advisers he is looking for three qualities in Kennedy’s replacement:

First: _____ wants his nominee not to be “weak,” and have independent judgment and the courage to buck “the political and social fashions of the day”.

Second: ______ wants a nominee who will “interpret the Constitution the way the framers meant it to be” even though no one knows how to do that given that the document is over two-hundred years old and the world has changed since then … unless _____ wants to go back to slavery, and women as second-class citizens.

Third: the nominee must have a superlative résumé; the nominee should come from an Ivy League university like Harvard or Yale; _____ wants the nominee to submit a portfolio of his or her writing, though _____ has said he won’t read it, he just wants to know it exists.

Seriously. The man cannot read.

Roseanne Barr, who was fired from her show for being a racist tool, only to see the show be rebooted as The Conners without her participation, either creatively or financially, now claims she’s fielded several offers for a new TV show.

Racist liar say what?

Yesterday was America’s birthday and for the first time in Gallup’s 18-year history asking Americans how proud they are to be Americans, fewer than a majority say they are “extremely proud.”

Wonder what caused that?

Oh. Yeah.

Pictures of Tess Thompson Talley of Kentucky showing her posing … posing … with the dead body of a “rare” black giraffe she murdered for sport have sparked outrage. The pictures emerged after they were posted on Twitter by the South Africa-based AfricLand Post website. Accompanying the post were the words:

“White American savage who is partly a Neanderthal comes to Africa and shoot down a very rare black giraffe courtesy of South Africa stupidity. Her name is Tess Thompson Talley. Please share”.

The photos were from a hunting trip Thompson Talley took in June 2017 and she proudly declared on Facebook:

“Prayers for my once in a lifetime dream hunt came true today! Spotted this rare black giraffe bull and stalked him for quite a while. I knew it was the one. He was over 18 years old, 4,000 lbs and was blessed to be able to get 2,000 lbs of meat from him.”

Pig. Interestingly enough, when the story broke and people began badgering Tess for being a vile human being, she actually defended her decision:

“The giraffe I hunted was the South African sub-species of giraffe. The numbers of this sub-species is actually increasing due, in part, to hunters and conservation efforts paid for in large part by big game hunting. The breed is not rare in any way other than it was very old. Giraffes get darker with age.”

Bitch, you called it rare in your bragging Facebook post.

Again, Pig, bitch vile human being. Spread her shame.

Oops. The _____ Foundation is being sued by New York’s attorney general, Barbara Underwood, for using the charity to enrich and benefit the ______ Klan.

This week lawyers for the _____ Foundation, which is run by _____ and his oldest children, Junior, the Dumb One and the Feckless C*nt requested in court that the execution of justice be rescheduled to accommodate the midterm elections. 

And the judge int the case, Judge Scarpulla actually laughed in response, did not change the trial date, and hinted that she is likely to require the President to testify.

Karma, baby, karma.

On a recent stiflingly hot afternoon, sitting beneath a ceiling fan trying to keep cool, I opted to watch Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a classic story mixed with the walking dead. It was zombies only walk really slowly so how bad can they be, right?

But the film did feature some hot mens … even on a scorcher of a day, a hot man is a welcome treat … from the top … Douglas Booth, who portrayed the beautiful Mr. Bingley … to Sam Riley, the brooding Darcy …to Jack Huston, the evil zombie George Wickham.

Hot men on a hot day. All hot. All the time.

Tuesday Thought #4

Tuesday Thought #3

Tuesday Thought #2

Tuesday Thought #1

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden ... But Here It Is

The International Rose Test Garden sits above Portland in Washington Park and is home to more than 10,0000 rose bushes and over 600 varieties. It is the oldest continuously operating public rose test garden in the United States and exemplifies Portland's nickname, "City of Roses".

The roses bloom from April through October with the peak coming in June, which is when we were there, so it was a sight, and a scent, to behold.

In the early 1900s, over twenty miles of Portland's streets had been lined with rose bushes for the 1905 Lewis and Clark Centennial Exposition. Portland was already dubbed "The City of Roses" and so the idea of a test garden was a way to solidify the city’s reputation as a rose-growing center internationally.

In 1915 Jesse Currey, president of Portland's Rose Society and Sunday editor of the Oregon Journal, convinced city officials to institute a rose test garden to serve as a safe haven during World War I for hybrid roses grown in Europe. Rose lovers feared that these unique plants would be destroyed in the bombings. The Park Bureau approved the idea in 1917 and by early 1918, hybridists from England began sending roses.

In early 1918, the garden began receiving plants from growers in England and Ireland, as well as Los Angeles, Washington and the Eastern United States. In 1921 Florence Holmes Gerke, the landscape architect for the city of Portland, was charged with designing the International Rose Test Garden and the amphitheater. The amphitheater was designed with the original garden and still hosts many events throughout the year, predominantly classical music concerts and a few plays.

The garden was dedicated in June 1924 and Jesse Currey was appointed as its first rose curator, serving until his death in 1927. Since 1940, the rose garden has been one of the official testing gardens for what is now called the American Garden Rose Selections.

Originally, the garden occupied about a block, sandwiched between a playground and an elk corral and in 1928 the original garden was replaced by a parking lot and moved to its current location. In the 1950s, when Washington Park's zoo moved to its current location, the garden was expanded to its present size of 4.5 acres.

There are several gardens in the Rose Garden; the American Garden Rose Selection test garden covers two terraces of the garden.; the Gold Award Garden, dedicated in 1970, features award-winning roses from the AGRS Test Garden—its gazebo is a popular spot for weddings. The Royal Rosarian Garden displays roses honoring past Prime Ministers of the Royal Rosarians, a civic group which serves as the official greeters and goodwill ambassadors for the City of Portland who serve in the many Rose Festival events and features a stone bench honoring Jesse Currey; the roses in the Royal are no longer commercially available.

In 1975, the Miniature Rose Garden, a test ground to help determine what miniature roses will go to market, was established; it is one of only eight such miniature rose testing grounds for the American Rose Society. The Shakespeare Garden was donated by the Shakespeare Society in 1943 and originally featured botanicals mentioned in the works of William Shakespeare. Over time, the Shakespeare Garden has evolved, planted with summer annuals, tropical plants, year-round shrubs, and roses, all named after characters in Shakespeare's plays.

If you ever get out that way, this is a great spot to spend some time; the flowers are gorgeous, and the aromas are fabulous.

There, I did give you a rose garden.

We Know He Lies, And Here's Another One

He said that on June 27th, in ALL CAPS no less, and then three days later lied and said he never said it.

Pass it along to The Deplorables and see what they say about the Liar-in-Thief.

The Funny Papers

Darrin Bell, Drew Sheneman, Pedro X. Molina, Clay Bennett, Chris Britt, Jim Morin, Nick Anderson, Ed Hall, Adam Zyglis, David Fitzsimmons, Mike Luckovich