The Funny Papers

Gary  Huck, Ann Telnaes, Jack Ohman, Christopher Weyant, Dave Whamond, Randy Bish, John Cole, Mike Luckovich, Darrin Bell, Drew Sheneman, Steve Benson, Michael de Adder, Kevin Siers, Lalo Alcaraz

98 Things ...

I was perusing Voenix Rising, where there are some hot mens, some cool memes, and a pretty awesome take on politics, and saw that blogger Mark Alexander had written a list of things about who he was and how he lived a few years back and then recently revised to see if, and how, he changed. Now, I don’t have an original list, but here are 98 things about me …

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? With cats you either sleep with the closet doors open or be prepared to have a cat demanding the door be opened in the middle of the night.

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? Yes, I do.

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked in at the bottom always.

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? I have not but now the thought has crossed my mind.

5: Do you like to use post-it notes? I don’t think I’ve ever used post-it notes at work or otherwise.

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? I have but haven’t in a while since most stores give you the card that offers up discounts.

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? I don’t think the bees would attack me and eat me alive so … bees?

8: Do you have freckles? A few, on my shoulders.

9: Do you always smile for pictures? Not always; I smirk a lot.

10: What is your biggest pet peeve? Thoughtless people, either of the rude variety, or those who don’t think for themselves.

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? I have now that you mention it.

12: Have you ever peed in the woods? Of course.

13: What about pooped in the woods? No, I am not an animal.

14: Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? There’s always a song in my head so, yeah, sometimes I will bust a move.

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? I don’t.

16: How many people have you slept with this week? Just the one; Carlos.

I7: What size is your bed? King.

18: What is your Song of the week? Right this second, the song playing in my head, is ‘Walk Like An Egyptian,’ by The Bangles.

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Sure, except for my boss, who owns a pink shirt, but every time he comes in wearing it, he’s in a pissed off mood. No lie; he walks in and the staff shrieks, “Not the pink shirt!”

20: Do you still watch cartoons? No, unless I stumble upon old school The Flintstones or The Jetsons or Bugs really.

21: What’s your least favorite movie? A Tom Cruise movie, though I never watch them, so is that fair to say so? Yes, it is.

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? In my back yard?

23: If you're a girl, bra size? If you're a guy, pants size? 33

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? I have never had that type of nugget and don’t think I ever will so ….

25: What is your favorite food? Mexican. Thai. Asian. Indian. Anything that’s got some spice to it.

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? The Red Violin. Poltergeist. Sunset Blvd. Anything with Bette Davis or Daniel Day-Lewis. Lady Sings The Blues.

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Carlos.

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes, I was a Boy Scout; not my favorite thing.

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? I don’t think so and no one has asked.

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I think it was last century but I still send actual birthday and holiday cards.

31: Can you change the oil on a car? Yes; do I? No.

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Bitch please; of course.

33: Ever ran out of gas? Not yet; knocking on  wood.

34: Favorite kind of sandwich? Some kind of meaty sub sandwich.

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? An egg wrap with a scrambled egg, some andouille sausage, cheddar cheese and tomato.

36: What is your usual bedtime? Around 11 PM on work nights.

37: Are you lazy? I can be.

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Ghosts and goblins, mostly. I always liked the scary.

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Dog.

40: Are you horny? I am; not as much as my younger days, but yeah.

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? For some reason we get Out magazine and yet we don’t pay for it and have never subscribed, but it shows up every month.

42: Which are better Legos or Lincoln Logs? Lincoln Logs.

43: Are you stubborn? Yes, I am; it’s a family trait.

44: Who is better…Leno or Letterman? I was a Letterman man; Leno was, and is, too generic for my tastes.

45: Ever watch soap operas? Dark Shadows and One Life to Live.

46: Are you afraid of heights? Up high, nope; up high and looking down, yes.

47: Do you sing in the car? Always.

48: Do you sing in the shower? Always.

49: Do you dance in the car? And cause an accident? Nope.

50: Ever used a gun? Yes, I once went skeet shooting with friends.

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? High school, I’m guessing.

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? I most certainly do not! I adore a showtune.

53: Is Christmas stressful? It can be, but I don’t let it.

54: Ever eat a pierogi? Yes.

55: Favorite type of fruit pie? Blackberry.

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Architect.

57: Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes.

59: Take a vitamin daily? No.

60: Wear slippers? In the winter if it’s really cold.

61: Wear a bath robe? Nope.

62: What do you wear to bed? T-shirt and shorts or nothing.

63: First concert? Rod Stewart.

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Forced to choose, I’d say Target.

65: Nike or Adidas? Neither; I don’t think I’ve ever owned either brand.

66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Fritos; Cheetos are gross.

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts.

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No.

69: Ever take dance lessons? No.

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Whatever makes him happy.

71: Can you curl your tongue? No.

72: Ever won a spelling bee? In the fourth grade: the winning word was photosynthesis.

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? My wedding day because I never thought I’d be allowed to get married.

74: Own any record albums? A few.

75: Own a record player? No. Now that doesn’t make sense.

76: Regularly burn incense? No.

77: Ever been in love? Yes; still.

78: Who would you like to see in concert? We’re seeing Itzhak Perlman in February; looking so forward to that.

79: What was the last concert you saw? Audra MacDonald.

80: Hot tea or cold tea? I like both.

82: Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles? Neither; Oatmeal Cranberry cookies or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for me.

83: Can you swim well? Yes, I can; I love swimming.

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Uh, yeah.

85: Are you patient? Not as much as I could be. Next!    

86: DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ, for the variety.

87: Ever won a contest? Yes; an art contest in school.

88: Ever have plastic surgery? No.

89: Which are better, black or green olives? Kalamata olives.

90: Can you knit or crochet? No.

91: Best room for a fireplace? The Living Room.

92: Do you want to get married? If married, how long have you been married? Together almost 23 years and married almost nine of them.

93: Who was your HS crush? An Australian exchange student named Ian; I think our entire class had a crush on him.

94: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No.

95: Do you have kids? No, we have pets.

96: Do you want kids? No, we have pets.

97: What’s your favorite color? Greens; moody greens.

98: Do you miss anyone right now? Several people and pets.

There you have me … some of me.

I Didn't Say It

Annette Bening, on the GOP and the conservatives’ efforts to stoke anti-transgender bigotry for political gain:

“They are trying to stir up all this fear in people about trans kids and parents, and they are trying to legislate that. This should not be scary to anybody else. This is a private, legitimate, complex, deep, spiritual, physical, psychological experience that has to be respected and honored. At the bottom line, life is about love. For me, the real transition has happened as the right wing in the country has become more and more mobilized on misinforming people about the LGBTQ community. They have been vilifying our community and creating problems that do not exist and creating and sowing hate and fear as a way of rallying their base. That’s obviously not new, and it’s happened in the campaigns of the past, especially against gay people. But now it’s transphobia, and it’s just rampant. They’re doing it at a time when there are more and more trans people who are living openly and who are our teachers, our writers, and our doctors … what I would wish is for every person to have someone who is trans in their family because once somebody you love is trans, then you get it. I am incredibly proud of [my son], and he has carved his own way. He’s someone I do admire, and I’ve learned a lot from when he first came out. I was very ignorant about what that meant to be a trans kid. I, like every other parent, want to protect my kids and make sure they’re OK, and I had a lot of learning to do. I didn’t always know what to do, and I didn’t always make the right choices because of my own ignorance, but we got through it [and] we all have a responsibility to protect and defend the rights of trans folks in our world. They’re precious parts of our community.”

The attacks on trans people are personal for Bening, whose son, writer Stephen Ira, is trans. The four-time Academy Award nominee and recently appointed chair of the board of the Entertainment Community Fund admitted to a certain hesitation in talking about her son publicly.

She also vowed to continue to use here platform to advocate for trans people.

Knowledge is power; love is love; the conservative right is wrong.

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Hillary Clinton, after the latest Thing 45 indictment:

“I don’t feel any satisfaction. I feel great profound sadness that we have a former president that has been indicted for so many charges that went right to the heart of whether or not our democracy would survive. I don’t know that anybody should be satisfied. This is a terrible moment for our country, to have a former president accused of these terribly important crimes. The only satisfaction is that the system is working. That all of the efforts by [Thing 45] and his allies and enablers to try and silence the truth and undermine democracy have been brought into the light. And justice is being pursued.”

She tried to warn us in 2016 and a lot of us didn’t listen.

I’m still with her.

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Lara, speaking on Newsmax, whining about her Daddy-In-Law and playing another round of Whataboutism:

“What they accused our campaign and my father-in-law of doing in 2016, conspiring somehow with Russia to win an election. Hillary Clinton herself and the DNC actually did these things. And I think beyond that, this is what is frustrating to people, to see them throwing everything at the wall, to see anything that might stick for [Thing 45] because they don’t care in actuality how it is they prevent him from becoming president of the United States again. That is their angle. And they will try everything as evidenced now by this fourth ridiculous indictment. But to see Hillary Clinton out there talking about it, laughing about it, cackling about it, to know that the Biden family is basically getting away with selling out the United States of America, as far as all of us have seen with our own eyes, it is insane to see.”

He gets indicted and the GOP and the wingnut news people, and the family members on the payroll, or those looking to secure a spot in the will,  start squawking, Hillary!!! Hunter!!! Joe!!!

In the words of her criminal Daddy-in-Law, 'It's sad.'

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Brian Kemp, Georgia’s GOP Governor, on Thing 45’s claim that he will be “irrefutably exonerated” in a report to be released next week:

“The 2020 election in Georgia was not stolen. For nearly three years now, anyone with evidence of fraud has failed to come forward—under oath—and prove anything in a court of law. Our elections in Georgia are secure, accessible, and fair and will continue to be as long as I am governor. The future of our country is at stake in 2024 and that must be our focus.”

Good on Kemp for standing up against a traitor but, to be clear, Kemp is not all about fair elections.

Just ask people of color in his state.

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Eminem, on Thing 45 and his base … the MAGAts … the basket of deplorables:

“I just get flustered and frustrating watching him play to his base that thinks that he cares about them and it’s actually the people that he cares about the f**king least. If you’re talking about his core being, ya know, a majority white middle class, what I don’t understand is how in the f**k do you feel like you relate to a billionaire who has never known struggle his entire f**king life? I will say this, he talks a good one. And if you’re in his base, let’s say you’re going to the rallies or whatever, you watch him on TV, you hear him talking this s**t, there’s part of me that understands, like, Alright, he’s somehow still got them because he’s brainwashing them into thinking something great is going to happen. Nothing’s happening.”

For those MAGAts shrieking about Thing 45’s Freedom of Speech being used against him, that is exactly what you’re doing to Eminem because he dares speak out about the con artist who has his hands in your wallet.

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Trixie Mattel, drag queen, on the right’s fear of drag queens and children:

“We don’t think about your kids. We don’t hope they’re gay. We don’t hope they turn out trans. We don’t hope they become drag queens. What we hope is that, if they are trans or gay, they find a community faster than many of us did.”

We just want to show those kids who may be LGBTQ+ that there is a way to happiness and self-acceptance and if parents think that’s somehow wrong, perhaps they shouldn't be parents.

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Bobservations

While in Portland, we decided to use the MAX trains to get from our hotel into the downtown area. It would be easier than driving in, fighting the traffic, and then hunting for parking; plus, once in the city, you can hop on the light rail to get to different areas. It was perfect.

We were shuttled from the hotel to a transit center, found the correct line, and waited for the train. We easily found a seat when the train arrived and settled down for the short trip. At one stop, a young girl got on, walked by me and sat down two seats away. A young man was sitting across from her, his skateboard on the floor, when the young girl snorted a wad of phlegm into her throat and then spit it on the kid’s board.

The kid went nuts, screaming at her, and demanded that she use her shirt to wipe the loogie from his board. The two began screaming at one another and I turned to Carlos and whispered:

“At the next stop, run for the doors.”

“I can’t see the doors.”

“Run to your right, then right again, and through the doors.

“I can’t see the doors.”

“Okay then. I’m gonna run. Text me when you get to safety.”

Good times.

PS The girl cleaned the loogie and the boarder got off at the next stop.

This one goes back to March 2011. Shortly after the arrival of Consuelo:

“Consuelo Roca Jones: #11 of 1500

When we adopted Miss Jones, they gave us a small bag of cat food, and this toy. It has a ball that runs through a channel, and lights up as it does so, with a scratch pad in the center.

Little Miss Jones loves to bat the ball around and watch it light up.

We also bought another scratching tool for her, but Tuxedo has taken to it most of all. he loves to sit in it, play under, lay atop it, but, most of all, guard it from the other cats.

That's my boy!”

I love how Tuxedo is not using it as a scratching post, but is just sitting there daring Consuelo to try and come on it. It was, and still is in many ways, Tuxedo’s world.

This is what common sense looks like … students in Massachusetts will get free lunch and breakfast at school thanks to a new 4% tax on people who earn more than $1 million after voters passed a constitutional amendment for that additional 4% state income tax on wealthy people.

PS 4% is $40,000; a drop in the bucket to feed children.

After Jason Aldean released his bigoted, gun-toting anthem to hillbillies and toothless cousin fuckers—a song that roared to the top of the charts and then dropped just as quickly—fellow country singer Chris Houseman showed Aldean how it’s done with his song, “Blueneck”:

Grew up with cornfields in every direction

That's where I learned all of my lessons

About life and living without fences

In the land of the free to have opinions

 If you work a job, you oughta make a livin'

George Straight or George Gay, there's no difference

People need help and I think that we should listen

 Three chords and my truth is

I'm a good ole boy with a bleeding heart

Just a homegrown hick with a hybrid car

I think y'all means all and I know we all

Just wanna know that we belong

There's a lot more color in the mix

When you're loud and proud out in the sticks

I am what I am, you get what you get

 Yeah, I guess I'm a red state Blueneck

My American dream is wide open spaces

Plenty of room for us all to be safe in

Yeah, that's a future that I'm chasin'

So I'm gonna go make it

 And that’s the America I believe in …

As I said on Tuesday of this week, first thing in the morning:

“I wonder just how drunk Rudy Giuliani is right now.”

And I laughed. From America’s Mayor to America’s Drunk Criminally Indicted Uncle in twenty years.

Last January, Abigail Zwerner was shot in her classroom at Richneck Elementary  by a 6-year-old student and is now suing the school district for $40 million.

Now, I found that a bit excessive until I read that the school district is arguing that Zwerner is only entitled to file a worker’s compensation claim because the injury she sustained from the shooting is a “workplace injury,” and that the shooting was a hazard of the job.

Yes, they want to set a precedent that a teacher should expect that getting shot is one of the dangers of her job and therefore she cannot sue.

Now I want her to sue for $400 million.

Speaking of guns, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker, a Democrat of course, approved a measure that would allow firearm retailers or manufacturers to be sued for marketing guns to people under 18 and promoting other improper marketing ploys geared toward the sale of weapons.

The law also allows civil action against the firearms businesses if they’re found to have marketed guns for unlawful paramilitary or private militia-related activities.

Good first step. Now, ban all assault weapons.

Tomás González, a Chilean Olympic gymnast, a bendy little nugget, has come out in his autobiography, "Champion: Lessons, Triumphs and Talls of an Olympic Gymnast":

"I suppose it is no longer an issue, but yes, I am gay. And if it is about making it public, I prefer to do it in this book.”

González realized he was gay when he 24, but coming from a traditional family did not make it easy to be openly gay; it also didn’t help that he experienced abuse in the sport where “machismo and homophobia are problems that exist in society and in the gym as well."  But the better news is Tomás González has been in a relationship for six years and hopes to marry and have a family:

"We all work, pay taxes, have a role in society. So, I want to have the same rights as any citizen. Regardless of any sexual orientation, we all have to have the same rights."

Welcome Out, Tomás, and please accept as our gift, from HOMO HQ, the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven and a copy of The Gay Agenda.

Welcome Out.

And here we have dancer and model Josh Fine, also bendy, and maybe a little fine, too, but the real question is: Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Neo- Classical Mediterranean Villa

This home, designed and built in San Francisco by celebrated architect August Headman, over 100 years ago, looks as it was originally designed and constructed. It sits on the eastern edge of the Presidio Wall and enjoys Bay and City views to the north and east, and verdant forests of the Presidio to the west.

In just a hair over 4500 square feet, there are large formal public rooms, four bedrooms, three full and one-half bathrooms, office, media room, elevator—from the entry level to all three floors, panoramic view balconies and rooftop terrace—there is no yard, per se; in addition, there is a separate entrance to a finished lower-level room, perfect for use as a music room or meditation space.

Lyon Street has been home to families, both real and imagined—it was featured in The Princess Diaries—since the 1920s and can be yours for just $7,900,000.

Fit for a princess.

As always, click to emBIGGERate …

Dwell